Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:53 pm

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You can be the man of your house."

He stormed out to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to run me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands and tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:10 pm

There was a power outage in a shopping mall in (insert neighboring country of your choice here, for me its Belgium Wink

).
People were stuck for hours on the escalator.

Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 9:02 am

^^ Wijnegem Shopping I presume?

Posted: Tue Jan 11, 2011 4:15 pm

Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 7:33 pm

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

The girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 7:36 pm

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "

I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening." So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

Posted: Wed Jan 19, 2011 7:58 pm

"In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."

"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"

"What is your FIRST request???'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",

"But I will still kill you in two days."

"What is your SECOND request???"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But I will still kill you tomorrow."

"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ...... alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen Very Carefully!!!!

FOR... THE.... LAST... TIME...

I SAID ....

BRING POSSE"

Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:41 pm

Here is a true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.

The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated):
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale." Cola and burgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five hundred pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 7:48 pm

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her having sex with her new boyfriend's and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents

Posted: Mon Jan 24, 2011 8:51 pm

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.

"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you," said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I am 96", said the old man.

"I don't want an erection!"

"I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers!"

Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:52 pm

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes. The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this Way: 'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I Accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures... And I couldn't shut up. '

Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 8:11 pm

Sarah the sexy secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you"
"Sarah honey, why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You aren't sterile....."

Posted: Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:52 pm

This is annoying.

http://members.iinet.net.au/~pontipak/redsquare.html

Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 12:45 pm

^ 11.785 secs is the best I can do up to now (after trying 3-4 minutes).

Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 3:16 pm

It gets really tough at 15, when they speed up Sad

18.879 to beat!

Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:27 pm

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack goes next: "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better."

All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter.

The teacher asks him, "What does your dad do?"

Walter replies, "My dad's dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and sh*t on the living room carpet."

Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:37 pm

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”

She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, lamb and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, “Colonel Sanders”.

Guess where I am now…

Posted: Sat Jan 29, 2011 8:40 pm

Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:28 pm

Naval Lingo

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late again.
He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:39 pm

The teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
He wore it under his shirt and it was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest class in the school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
The classroom became a bit unruly and he admonished them.
This happened several times.
While working at his desk, the strong breeze from the window made his tie flap annoyingly.
He kept rearranging and rearranging the tie as the class become more and more unmanageable.
Finally, becoming disgusted with the wayward tie, he stood up and took a big stapler off his desk and stapled the tie to his chest in several places.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!!

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 7:45 pm

Next time you think you're having a bad day read these:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been
cut off.

3. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

4. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper...

5. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Posted: Sun Jan 30, 2011 10:47 pm

^ That list is an urban legend:

http://www.snopes.com/humor/lists/fakenews.asp

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2011 12:12 am

They're often the most fun!

In the wake of the Moscow airport bombings was a report that a New Year's Eve bombing was averted because the device exploded prematurely when a text message triggered it. The text was from the phone company wishing everyone a happy new year. Sadly the report didn't indicate the bombers were killed, but I'm sure the story will change.

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2011 9:25 pm

Best Golf Caddy Replies

# 10 -- Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

# 9 -- Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

# 8 -- Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

# 7 -- Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

# 6 -- Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

# 5 -- Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of A distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

# 4 -- Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

# 3 -- Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

# 2 -- Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 -- Best Caddy Comment Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Posted: Mon Jan 31, 2011 9:47 pm

No. 3 is great Very Happy

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