Albert inherits John Paul Getty's money

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Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:40 am

So in my RL account this turns up. I decide it's too good to pass up and send it on to my Albert Character. For those of you who don't know Albert, Albert Fish is based loosely on Elmer from" Crank Yankers". And he's named after a real life serial killer. Albert is 92 years old, and lives in a retirement home, he is also senile and goes off on tangents. This originally came to my gmail account, so no headers, hopefully he'll write back and we'll get some then. He sends this:

----- Original message -----
From: BARR. CHARLES RUSSELL LLP <snipped but totally unrelated email to the rest of the message>
Date: 2010/7/25
Subject: THIS IS MY THIRD AND FINAL MAIL TO YOU.
To: <yeah right>

Charles Russell LLP
London Office St James's (London)
8 - 10 New Fetter Lane,
London,
EC4A 1RS, United Kingdom.
Tel: +44 704 573 2489
Fax +44 844 774 5323
E-mail: <snipped wanky email addy>

SUB: LATE SIR. JOHN PAUL GETTY'S WILL

On behalf of the Trustees and Executors of the late British
Philanthropist, Sir John Paul Getty Jr., I once again try to notify
you as our email to you was returned as a failure delivery
(undelivered), hence I hereby attempt to reach you via your e-mail
address.

I wish to notify you that the late Sir J. Paul Getty Jr. made you one
of the beneficiaries to his (WILL), he bequeathed the sum of Nine
Million Seven Hundred and Eight Thousand Six Hundred and Ninety Two
Great British Pounds Sterlings Only (GBPЈ9,708,692.7) to you in the
codicil and last testament to his (WILL) which is eleven (11%) of his
total funds of GBPЈ88,260,443.00 (Eighty Eight Million Two Hundred and
Sixty Thousand Four Hundred and Forty Three Great British Pounds
Sterling deposited with one of UK's biggest financial institution.

This may sound very strange and unbelievable to you, but it is real
and true. Being a widely popular traveled man, he must have been in
contact with you in the past or simply you were nominated to him by
one of his numerous friends here or abroad who wished you well. Sir J.
Paul Getty Jr., the reclusive American-born philanthropist was the
third son of the first American oil billionaire, billionaire American
oilman Jean, Paul Getty.

According to him this money is to support religious and humanitarian
activities and to help the poor and the needy in our society. Please
if I reach you as I am hopeful, endeavor to get back to me as soon as
possible to enable me conclude my job. I hope to hear from you in no
distant time. Please forward your response to
<snipped but wanky email addy> for immediate attention.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours in services,
Barr. Charles Russell
Charles Russell LLP

Partners: Barr. Simon Gilbert, Barr. John Walters, Barr. Susan
McDonalds and Barr. Catherine Wright

Attorney at Law

Alert is SO relieved to get this:

Charlie,

I am so glad you kept trying to reach me! Here at the Dame Edna Everage Retirement Village have been complaining that mail isn't getting through, and at my age (Are you 92? I am!), you grasp onto any lteer from your children and grandchildren you may get.

I must confess that I don't remember partying with this getty man, but at 92 you find yourself forgetting more and more. Plus the sixties where kinda brutal, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

I look forward to my money

Albert

Let's see if he bites Wink

Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:32 am

haha immediate thoughts are "no 92 year old types English that well..." but do lads know that? I highly doubt it! Smile

Posted: Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:38 am

That's ok, he goes on all SORTS of rants as time goes by. with luck you'll see for yourself. He's already started mispelling his name, and it's the first email!

Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:44 am

I get a huge email all about John Paul Getty (stolen from somewhere, so I won't bore you with it), but the rest of thie email is this:

We want to use this medium to acknowledge the receipt. I know that this bequest news may be quite astonishing to you, sure we cannot outdo our God in His surprises: He is a God of Surprises. As I did said in my previous email massage Sir John Paul Getty must have been in contact with you in the past or you must have been nominated to him by one of his numerous friends here or aboard that wished you well. We want you to know that you have absolute right to reject this WILL as much as you have the right to accept it as well. If you wish to turn it down then let me know so I can send you a WILL rejection form to fill and revert back to this office. We are not going to impose it on you but to our job accordingly.

Be further informed that these funds will not be released to you without some proper identification. I have never met you before like I said and to be able to carry out our duties effectively as sole executors of the WILL of Late Sir John Paul Getty we must be convinced that you are who the testament says you are.

For further verification, you are required to please re-confirm to us through the via email; your full contact details to include your full name and address, telephone and fax number (if any), nationality and if you have moved to a new address then indicate both the new and old one. Any difference or discrepancies in the information provided by you will mean that I am contacting the wrong person and I will stop all communication with you out rightly.

Upon receipt of the above information, your information would be taken to the Probate Division (Registry) of the Royal Court of Justice, England for verification. After the confirmation, the probate division would now release your letter of administration (Probate Order) which will mandate the release of your inheritance (funds) to you. This document will also give you the legal backing to receiving these funds.

We sincerely hope that the above requirement be sent to us sooner than later for us to proceed with the documentation. “And note that we cannot send any document to you until we are fully convinced that we have the true beneficiary”.

Important Notice: We have been given a period of (14) working days by the Royal Court of Justice, England to conclude this transaction so that we can move on to the next beneficiary on the WILL of Sir John Paul Getty.

Your urgent response will be greatly appreciated.

I send him this back, under the heading of "I like children":

Charlie,

They're tasty! as for Johnny, I do remember him now! As i mentioned the sixties were kinda brutal for all of us. I was already in my forties back then (Are you 92? I am!) but he did help me out while I was in Marrakesh.

For further verification, you are required to please re-confirm to us through the via email; your full contact details to include your full name and address, telephone and fax number (if any), nationality and if you have moved to a new address then indicate both the new and old one. Any difference or discrepancies in the information provided by you will mean that I am contacting the wrong person and I will stop all communication with you out rightly.

So you want my name? Albert Tiberius Fish
Address: c/o The Dame Edna Everage retirement Centre, 67 Henry St Laura South Australia 5480
They don't let me use the phone
American born Australian
Boxer (retired)

I look forward to my money

Albert

Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:54 am

Oddly, I have seen that dollar amount many times. It is normally
9.8 million GBP but yours is close enough. Weird number, yet oft repeated

Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 1:41 am

Will edit in links soon, but I got me two PDF files, one of which is a will!!! Even though the man died back in 2003, it seems he included my character Albert in it. I also got a "probate order"

I'm chuffed to have it, the lad put in a bit of work, pity it looks ridiculous!

Still, it brought a smile to my dial Smile

edited to add links:

http://talesfromadesperatehousewife.webng.com/Probate%20Order%20Albert%20Tiberius%20Fish.pdf

http://talesfromadesperatehousewife.webng.com/Will%20Albert%20Tiberius%20Fish.pdf

IP Address: 82.128.55.199 Nigeria (Kano)*

Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 2:33 am

The previous bait with Albert was funny i hope to read more nice adventures from Albert and co

Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 5:28 am

Chuck sends this back. Seems he can't courier the cash, DIDDUMS!!!:

Chuck Russell LLP
London Office St James's (London)
8 - 10 New Fetter Lane
London
EC4A 1RS
Tel: +44 702 405 8588
Fax +44 702 403 8778

REF: LATE SIR. JOHN PAUL GETTY'S WILL

Attn: Albert Tiberius Fish,

Your email was received and content was acknowledged.

I was in contact with the bank in regards to your previous mail and they can only send you a cheque of the amount bequeathed to you as such amount can not be couriered in cash unless by diplomatic means as a consignment with all expenses liable to the beneficiary of the package.

They will like to know which bank you operate with and if your account can take the amount. More also you will be responsible for the, insurance and postage of the chequ to your address.

Let me know if you are in agreement with there demands so i can instruct them to issue the cheque on your name.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours in services,
Barr. Chuck Russell
Chuck Russell LLP

Unsurprisingly, Albert's not impressed. He smells a conspiracy theory:

Chuck chuck,

Maybe I'm not making myself clear. I am 92 after all (are you 92? I am). After my bank ripped me off out of my life savings, I no longer deal with banks. They are evil, the scum of the earth, satan's spawn if you will. I keep ALL of my money under my mattress in the retirement centre I have lived since I was 85. John knew that, it was his suggestion I put it there in the 1st place.

And what's with all this diplomatic crap? Just place my goddamn money in a courier's van and send it to me. People do it all the time! It's not like it's not real or anything, you sent me a copy of the will for God's sake, I believe in the copy of the will you sent, it says I have lots of money! Why won't you give it to me?

Should I get me one of those fancypants lawyering types as well? I like you Chuck I really do, but I should have gotten my money by now. You've got it stored in one of those bastard bank thingys haven't you? I TOLD you they can't be trusted and now the Goddamn asshole banks are screwing me outta millions of dollars (AGAIN!). chuck, help me out here, you're a lawyering type, do something about this!

I look forward to getting my money

Albert

Posted: Wed Aug 04, 2010 11:19 pm

It seems I'm getting it couriered... YAAAY!!!:

Attn: Albert Tiberius Fish,

Your email was received and content was acknowledged.

I wish to inform you that final arrangement has been made regarding the delivery of your funds to you. As I write to you now, your funds are safely bagged in two metallic trunks (consignments), deposited with the Banks affiliate Diplomatic Courier Service company in the United Kingdom [UK] as bank's offshore official documents will be off for delivery to you tomorrow.

The consignments has been insured and tagged as a Diplomatic Parcel with all necessary documents which makes it very safe for delivery . The consignment will be conveyed to you with the assistance of a Diplomatic Officer, Mr. Johnson Anderson of The Diplomatic Courier Service.

Mr. Johnson Anderson does not know the content of the consignments mind you, what he knows we have in them is the bank's offshore official documents to avoid him diverting the fund, am making this clear to you because he might ask you to confirm the content of the consignments.

He will be leaving for Australia by first flight tomorrow, and he's expected to arrive the next day. As soon as he arrives he will give you a call to notify you and please as soon as he does call you, call me too or keep me update via email immediately so I can be rest assured.

The diplomat will ask for your identity again probably via his email to make sure he won't be making a wrong routing of the consignments. Adhere by every instruction of him and PLEASE do not disclose the content of the consignments because all he knows we have in them are the bank's offshore official documents which have been already made clear to him.

We have your names on the consignments as the Sole owner and as such be ready to furnish him with your identity when he asks for it. He is to give you 24hours of inspection after delivery to make sure the consignments are intact and never have you inspected in his presence. Just put him in a good hotel during the 24hours of inspection after which he is expected to go back to Europe.

You are there for advised to make a payment of $2,200USD for the purchase of a security tag and an immune seal that will prevent customs checking the contents of the boxes.

You are advised to make the payment to via western Union Money transfer to the diploma's detail below for him to procure the security tag and the immunity seal to aid the delivery of your funds.

Receiver's Name: Johnson Anderson
Address: London, England
Amount: $2,200USD

Revert with the relevant payment details as soon as you make the payment as instructed above to enable him pick up the funds.

Your funds will only leave tomorrow if you make the payment today for the procurement of the above certificates.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

It's a pity there's no WU... Here's my reply, bolding is mine: Wink

Chuck, chuck,

You're breaking my balls, you're breaking my balls! (I couldn't resist quoting Team America yet again. One of my classmates suggested that several years from now someone should send said Lad a copy of the film on DVD. I won't do that, but I DO like the idea) Wink

Why won't you listen to me??? There's NO Western Union anywhere near the retirement village, I've told you that three times now! If you want this to happen, you must move a little to the left... a little more...

I'm glad you sent my money via courier though, I'll happily pay Mr Diplomat man the $2200 dollars when he gets here. Tomorrow you say? Finally, Chuck you are doing your job! what's Mr Diplomat's first name? Is it Ralph? Ralph Diplomat is such a nice name, I look forward to meeting him. (I love Ralph, I call everything Ralph, including all my PC's)

But I have to tell you chuck, here in Australia we use Aussie dollars NOT US ones. And I'm a patriot Chuck, not one of those goddamn foreign terrorists! I'll be paying in Aussie dollars

I look forward to receiving my money!

Albert

Posted: Fri Aug 06, 2010 3:41 pm

I get this back. If what I was reading was correct, sending anyone to the nearest WU to my character would constitute a safari!:

REF: LATE SIR. JOHN PAUL GETTY'S WILL

Attn: Albert Tiberius Fish,

I sincerely understood your email but I will strongly advice you to send any younger person to help go to a near by village or city and send the required money with the below information via western Union money transfer.

Receiver's Name: Johnson Anderson
Address: London, England
Amount: $2,200 Aussie dollars

As soon as we receive the $2,200 Aussie dollars we will be able to buy flight ticket for the diplomat to proceed with the delivery of your funds.

I am waiting to receive the western union payment information.

Enjoy your day.

Thanks Chuck, I'll get right on it! Wink

And here's my response:

Chuck,

I keep telling you, there IS no western Union near me, why won't you listen to me??? And I don't mean nearby, I mean AT ALL! I asked a nurse what this western Union is and she told the nearest is in Salisbury, that's several hundred miles away from here! WHEN will the courier get here, and I'll give him the cash on the spot

Don't let me down chuck

I look forward to my money

Albert

His response is kinda underwhelming:

The fee is compulsory, I know there are Banks in the vilage, I will sugest you pay the money into Bank account, reply so that I can give you a bank account to pay in the money.

Enjoy your day.

I write back. It's almost like he's FORCING me to chase up a piggy:

Chuck,

Laura doesn't have a bank and I would have to work out someway of setting up an account. I will speak to the nurses here at the retirement centre and see what they can come up with. But be careful Chuck banks will riop you off

I look forward to receiving my money

Albert

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