Monkey Magic

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Karla must have forgotten about my giraffes. Okay, I'll just have to introduce her to someone else:

Quote:

Hello,
my name is Magic Bob. Perhaps you have heard of me, for my fame usually precedes me. I used to go by the handle, "The Incredible Bob of Monkey Magic" but when I would perform under that name, the crowd would have difficulty chanting it in unison as they worked themselves up into a lather over my phenomenal feats of magic. So I shortened it to Magic Bob. You must understand this. And to clear up any further possible confusion, you need to understand that my real name is not Magic Bob, it's actually Dave. Bob is my stage name. I made it up. A person of my fame has no choice but to make up names for himelf. I am writing in regards to your ad for monkeys, for I am in need of a new one. Have you heard of my fame before? Looking forward to hearing from you,
Dave (aka Magic Bob)

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Hello magic Bob , you seems to be a famous guy but i dont seem to know too mush about you, maybe because i am not in the USA, but will like to know you better. well i have availble 2 females and a male baby capuchin monkey ready to go at this time. These baby capuchin monkeys are of exceptional quality.They are 5 and 6 months old.They have got winning personalities and might not only be the best monkeys I have come across but the best i have ever seen. They have turned out to be very strong. Thye are one of the best best eaters you will ever had as some babies don't take the bottle very well. Best of all, they are very sweet, loves Daddy, and has one of the most even temperaments of a monkeys. Even with pain from teething, they never cries or fusses and goes in and out of their box as they sees fit! These beautiful little babies likes to chew fingers, suck thumb, and play with toys! never cries when it is time for bed and doesn't tear things. loves to play, give kisses, and snuggle up for a quick nap. They are all a bona-fide cutie! and will each go for an adoption cost of $700 each, where are you located, i am in Turkey and i ship and deliver your monkey to you any where in the US and they come complete .
regards

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Quote:

Greetings my monkey selling friend from Turkey!!!
Thanks so much for getting back to me so soon. No doubt it was because I am so famous, and you probably have posters of me in your bedroom. I'll bet you've already told all of your friends that you are going to sell your monkey to Magic Bob, haven't you, you little vixen? Please don't tell them that my name is really Dave. That, my monkey selling vixen from Turkey is priveleged information. (If anybody calls me Dave, I'll know that you are the one who spilled the beans.)
About the monkey, I have certain requirements that absolutely must be met:
1. It needs to be a eunic. This is very important. It cannot be either a boy nor a girl. I'm not sure why this is so important, but I feel strongly about it. On a scale from one to ten, ten being greatest, I would say that the importance level on number 1 is an 8.

2)It needs to be exactly 2880 hours old. This too is very important for reasons I would rather not talk about. This one would rate at about a 3.

3)The monkey should have personal issues. Maybe a drinking problem. It helps the crowd to relate to the performers when they see that they are merely human. This one is about a 1.

4) The monkey should not be high quality, but rather, mediocre. This is extremely important. We'll say 7.

5)The monkey should be a whimp. I don't want a strong one because it might kick my ass. This is of utmost importance. 10.

6)The monkey must not eat. The bottle will do. Refer back to number three. This one is 2.

7)Needs to be sour, father figure hating, and oddly tempermental. 9.

8)Needs to cry incessantly. When I kick it, I want to hear it. This rates a 6.

9)Monkey must be one ugly little bastard. The uglier it looks, the better I look. This one's a 4.

10)Must tear things. I like my things to get ripped to shreds. It makes me feel giddy. This one is a 5.

So, a quick recap so there's no confusion: 1 is an8, 2 is a 3, 3 is a 1, 4 is a 7, 5 is a 10, 6 is a 2, 7 is a 9, 8 is a 6, 9 is a 4, and ten is a 5. Did you get all of that? I would very much like for you to repeat this to me so that I am completely satisfied that you and I are on the same page.

Can you please get back to me as soon as possible as to how we can resolve this matter so that we can finalise this transaction? Thank you very much and sorry for any inconvenience.

Yours truly,
Magic Bob, who is really Dave.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Hmm...no answer yet. Maybe I'm just a little impatient, but if I'm paying good money, I want fast service.

Quote:

Hello again my naughty little monkey selling vixen from Turkey! Hope you
are having either a nice day or nice evening, or whatever it is
where you are.
Haven't heard back from you yet concerning the last email I sent
you. I really need you to address the issues raised there and get
back to me asap! I have a big show planned in a couple of weeks and
I need to get that monkey coming so I can train it to perform all
the functions it will need to in order to pull off a fine show.
(things such as dish washing, ash tray emptying, toenail clipping,
sandwich making, beer fetching, doobie rolling and day stock
trading.) I have a lot to teach it in a relatively short time, so I
really need that monkey here quick!!
yours truly,
Magic Bob (who really is Dave)

ps: I was wondering if you could please refer to me by my middle
name from here on out? It's Nancy.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Hello bob, you must be a wonderfull magician, aint u? woa that great , your prescibtion of a monkey is really awesome, what do you intend to do with this monkey? u said
1 is an8, 2 is a 3, 3 is a 1, 4 is a 7, 5 is a 10, 6 is a 2, 7 is a 9, 8 is a 6, 9 is a 4,
and ten is a 5. right, so how soon do you want to have the monkey . and before i forget i wont tell any one you are Dave right, but if i tell how will you know?
regards

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Quote:

YOU DIDN'T CALL ME NANCY! Why are you still calling me Bob (not even "Magic" Bob!) when I clearly asked you to call me by my middle name in my last e-mail? You MUST refer to me as Nancy from here on out or we will not be able to do business any further. Do you understand this? I'm not trying to sound too harsh, or to be mean, I just really need you to comply with this order. This one rates a 4.5
Anyway, on to the body of your last letter: I don't know who you think you are kidding here, but you and I both know that you simply copied and pasted the list of numbers and their importance rates from my e-mail to you...as was clearly apparent by the handwriting. I submit exhibit A : Taken from my email
">1 is an8, 2 is a 3, 3 is a 1, 4 is a 7, 5 is a 10, 6 is a 2, 7 is
>a 9, 8 is a 6, 9 is a 4,
>and ten is a 5."

...and now I submit exhibit B: Taken from your e-mail:
">1 is n, 2 is 3, 3 is 1, 4 is 7, 5 is 10, 6 is 2, 7 is
> 9, 8 is 6, 9 is 4,
>and ten is 5."

...clearly, the handwriting is the same. Wouldn't you agree? BUT WAIT! Look again...notice that all the "a's" in your email quote were missing? Did you notice that? HA! I made them disappear! Now, I will make them appear again...

aaaaaaaaaa

Voila!! Now I think you can see what level of master illusionist you are dealing with here, and I'm sure you will agree that I'm no trifling matter. You should comply with my wishes or I might have to "reappear" myself to wherever you are and paddle your little hiney.
Perhaps you misunderstood me; I really need you to type the number list out by hand so that I can analyze the handwriting. (no offense but, but I have found that it helps me trust the person I'm dealing with more, because I can learn their every secret this way.)I am an expert handwriting analyst. You were probably wondering how I ascertained that you have posters of me in your bedroom. That's it. No magic. Don't tell anybody though, a magician NEVER reveals his secrets! So you can see how much I am trusting in you already by revealing these secrets to you, Karla. I think I love you.

Nancy

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Quote:

Greetings and salutations Karla!!!
I just realised that I didn't answer your questions from your last
email. Surely that made you question my trust for you...but don't
even think that. I trust you implicitly. even intimately.

You asked, "...what do you intend to do with this monkey?"

His duties will be many and varied. I posted a partial list in a
previous message; ie: beer fetching, meth lab operation etc. If you
would like, I could send you a detailed list.

and then you asked "If I tell anybody, how will you know?"
Referring to exposing my real name... well, I think after seeing my
minor performance with the dematerialization and rematerialization
of the "a's" in the last post, you now could answer that one
yourself. That was no illusion. Clearly, someone with keen
abilities such as my own would not find it difficult to know all
things at all times and all places, as is the case here. For
example:I know what color panties you're probably not wearing.

As far as our new budding relationship is concerned, do you feel we
are moving too fast? Please get back to me as soon as humanly
possible so we can finalize this transaction. Thank you again,

Bob

ps. I decided that Nancy just sounds too feminine, and I'm putting
the moves on here... I don't want our communications to sound
"lesbianesque", so go ahead and call me Engelbert. That's what my
chinese friend Randy used to call me.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 27 Dec 2007 Posts: 51

Quote:

Hello Karla,
do you have any balloons?

Englebert