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 The Foolish Loonie

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Hello I'm New here!

Joined: 06 Apr 2006
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 4:54 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

[This is the typical email from these 419 scammers sent to my primary hotmail account. So, I reply to it from my scam baiting hotmail account instead]

From: [email protected]
Subject: Urgent / Confidential Business Proposal !!!
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 2006 16:29:22 +0000

Contact me : [email protected]

Attention: President / C.E.O.

Dear Sir,

I have a proposal for you, this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honour against your will.

I am Dr.Christian Brown,The manager, Bills and Exchange at the Foreign Remittance Department of the A.U.D.B Bank of Nigeria Plc and work with African Union Development Bank Plc (one of the African leading banks in the West Coast).

Here in this bank existed dormant account for the past 5 years which belong to one of our customers(Mr.Andreas Schranner)who died long with his entire family of a wife Maria and two children in July 31st 2000 in a plane crash.

For further enquiry view the web-site for more details.

When I discovered that there had been no deposits nor withdrawals from this account for this long period, I decided to carry out a system investigation and discovered that non of the family member nor relations of the late person is aware of this account.

This is the story in a nutshell. Now I want an account overseas where thses fund will be transfer according to the due process of our bank in order to avoid voilation of any country and international Monetory law on fund transfer. Thereafter,I had planned to destroy all related documents for this account.

It is a careful network and for the past eleven months I have worked out everything to ensure a hitch-free operation.

The amount is not so much at the moment and plus all the accumulated interest the balance in this account stands at-(US$15.million US dollars). Now my questions are:-

1. Can you handle this project?

2. Can I give you this trust?

3. What will be your commission? If you can sponsor this transfer Consider this and get back to me as soon as possible.

To commence this transaction, we require you to immediately indicate your interest by a return e-mail and enclose (1) your private contact telephone number,(2) fax number(3) full name and address( 4) your designated bank coordinates( your bank account and swift code)and any form of identification like your international passport to enable us file letter of claim to the appropriate departments for necessary approvals before the transfer can be made.

Finally, it is our humble prayer that the information as contained herein be accorded the necessary attention, urgency as well as the secrecy it deserves.

I expect your urgent response if you can handle this project. Write to me at this direct contact email address: [email protected]

I am expecting your urgent response as soon as you receive my message.

I look forward to receiving your prompt response.

Respectfully yours,

Dr.Christian Brown.
The manager, Bills and Exchange at the Foreign
Remittance Department of the A.U.D.B Bank of Nigeria Plc.
email: [email protected]

Dear Doctor Christian Brown,

First of all many thank yous from me for your wonderful email message. I was most interested to hear about your proposal.

Luckily for me yours was the first email message I have received. I have just set up my first ever email address. Luckily, for me my user name hasn't already been taken. I'm trying to set up a website for my commestible manufacturing company.

So, please do elucidate further on your plan. I think the internet is wonderful. It's not every day that somebody as honest as you appear to be offers money.

Please write soon,

Mr John Wombles esq BA.
CEO Wombles of Wimbledon (Purveyors of Quality Biscuits)
London NW20 9LZ

[Blimey, he doesn’t half go on about it, does he?]

Dear Valued Friend Mr John Wombles,

Many thanks for your urgent reply and how is your family I hope fine.

Please understand that my major reason of contacting you for this transaction can not be describe by me as a person but I beleive that it is the hand of God that connected us together and wanted us to be a part of this opportunity that can bring changes to our lives and families at large after I have prayed fervently and wait upon the Lord for directions before approaching you for assistance.

Again, I advice that you have to consider our meeting as God arrangement and not by accident becuase it must be for a reason and we trust God that sooner or later the reason why he has linked us together as intending partners will soon be unfold to both of us and incase you want to know how I discover your email address well I got it from the internet while searching for a foreigner to assist me recover this fund .

Again I want you understand that the details of this transaction is all about the fund deposited in our bank by one of our late customer Mr.Andreas Schranner and after several years of no deposit and withdraw on this account number we then decide to conduct a routine investigation to find the actual course of this dormant account.

Upon our investigation we then discovered that the owner of the account is dead along with his entire family, and before his death he forgot to register with any of his relations as his next of kin, I beleive is for a special reason best known to him, but upon this discovery I therefore contact you with a view of making business with you and to recover these fund into your bank account for our mutual benefit.

In order to commence, all I require from you is your honest assistance to be able to recover this fund and you must promise me never to use this advantage to cheat on me or sit on the fund the moment it is transfered into your bank account.

Thereafter, I will appreciate to have your full name and address , Your telephone number / fax and your complete banking details this include your Bank account number / swift code or Routing Number and copy of your identification to enable me have the complete information before the fund can be transfered into your desiginated bank account, and be rest assure that the moment I able to get all this information from you, I will continue with every other arrangements to ensure we get neccessary approval from various qauters and most especailly our bank to enable you receive the fund as the next of kin.

Please understand that under this new arrangement there is absolutely no risk involved as me and my colleagues had perfected every arrangement to ensure we destroyed every related documents regarding the fund and the deceased the moment you inform us that the fund had been receive by your local bank account.

Furthermore, I promise to furnish you with every details of the deceased account information , but first , I must see your full commitment towards our effort to recover this fund into your bank account before taken any risk further to share this vital information with you which under normal circumstances, I am forbid to disclose to you as an out sider of the bank.

But to make things easy for both of us as a intending partner, I have enclose the copy of my pass-port to you which you will find from the attached profile to ensure I carry you along as we continue to rob mind shoulder together and recover this fund into your bank account and I beleive I am 100% safe in your hands since all this information that I am sharing with you is suppose to be a private .

Under our agreement, we had decided to offer you 20% of this fund and 5% as our expendicture as part of your effort to work with us to ensure we are very successful in this transaction while the remaining fund will be kept under your custody for preservation pending when we visit your country for the fund shearing , becuase we hope to put the remaining fund into any lucrative investment in your country recommended and manage by you while we remain as your partners.

Finally, I have also offer to visit you in your country for this important business transaction, but not untill we recover the fund into your account as I am currently in active service, but I promise resign from my active service to join you in your country the moment you inform me that the fund have been receive and confirm into your account by your local Bank at list to give the previllage to know you and at list travel abroad for the first time in my life.

This is all about this offer I will appreciate if you will show interest in collaborating with me , as this transaction will benefit both of us on joint venture partnership.

Furthermore I am ready to give you a good negotiable percentage cash reward for your
assistance. Detailed information on other proceedings will be made available to
you upon receiving your reply showing interest in collaborating with me by ensuring that you send all the requested information as stated hereafter as I
look forward to your urgent reply. I may need your personal mobile telephone numbers for more information.

Looking forward to hear from you urgently,

Dr.Christian Brown.

[And as he’s replied from a yahoo email address instead of the email address I sent my reply to, I now play the confused businessman trick….]

Dear Dr Christian Brown Brown,

I would love to take advantage of your offer but I am already corresponding with a Dr Christian Brown whose email address is different to yours, i.e. [email protected],

Are you the same person? I get very easily confused at my age, especially when it comes to these computational device things.

I'll trust that you did enclose a passport picture. I tried to open it but my McNorton Anti-Virus warned me that it was potentially a "nitrus trojan of classification puce", so I became nervous and didn't continue.

Anyway, your offer does seem similar to Dr Christian Brown's, so maybe I can take advantage of both offers.

Hope to hear from you very soon indeed.

Mr John Wombles esq BA.
CEO Wombles of Wimbledon (Purveyors of Quality Biscuits)
London NW20 9LZ

[Whoops, looks like I left the other name of John Sheridan – Commander of Babylon 5 – somewhere in the hotmail settings. Dr Brown hasn’t noticed that he’s replying to somebody else. I’d better correct it for my reply!]

Dear Prospective Partner Mr.John Sheridan,

Thanks for responding so fast to my mail and how about your family I hope fine.

Please understand that I am the same person who have contacted you from sify I.d address since I was finding a little more difficult to communicate to you using my first mail i.d {[email protected])

In attempt to ensure I promote good and quality mail communication, I hereby decided to write to you using my yahoo i.d just like you have observed so not to worry you are still dealing with the same person and there is no controversy, You only need to learn to always communicating to me using my yahoo mail i.d ( [email protected]) as from now on. or if you like you can also reach me in my sify id too, both id represent me but the only constrain in that is that I can not write back to you using the same sify id and you must please understand me.

All the same, I am not so comfortable with some of your moves which I have just observed from your mail saying as follows “Anyway, your offer does seem similar to Dr Christian Brown's, so maybe I can take advantage of both offers."

Sir, really would like you to explain how you mean by the above statement because to a literal mind like me it seems to me that you willing to consider any offer that comes on your way without being objectives at list settle for one.

For your information, this is a personal business transaction and apart from you I have never contacted any other person apart from you that I have contacted and will never contact any other person on the account of this deal because this suppose to be highly confidential due to its nature and I will be glad we reason the same way.

However, about my identification which I sent during my previous message to you I am not happy that you were not able to access it and I promise to resend it separately in attempt to enable you access it very well.

Incase you have settle in your mind to be part of this good fortune, I would recommend that you endeavor to respond to me as urgent as possible along side with the following information in attempt to enable us make some moves towards realizing this dream as urgent as we can.

Incase we share the same faith; please kindly send to me the following details.

1. Copy of your Personal Identification.

2. Your Mobile Telephone Number / Fax

3. Banking Account Details i.e. A/c Number / Swift Code.

4. Your Home/Office Address and your Banking Address.

The moment I am assured of these information, I promise to respond to you as quickly as possible and advice you on what next action to take towards the recovery of these fund into your account for our mutual benefit and future investment.

Waiting for your further notes in this regards,

Dr.Christian Brown.

[Hello there, here comes his passport picture. Hey, he looks familiar! I’ve seen that passport in a number of fantastic scam baitings on the web]

Dear Mr.John Sheridan,

I hereby enclose a copy of my personal Identification for your perusal and I look forwards towards receiving yours along with other vital information as refered to in my previous messages.

Thanks for your kind understanding.

Best Regards,

Dr.Christian Brown

[Thought I’d try and lure him with a bunch of “payments” for biscuit espionage…..]

Dear Dr Christian Brown

Many thanks for clearing up my befuddled state regarding your email addresses. Yes, I now realise that you were just acting on your client's best interest. Silly me.

My family is most likely quite well, however as the owner of a large and very successful biscuit manufacturing corporation I don't spend as much time as I would like with them. In fact, my son, Wellington, has apparently been kidnapped by Islamic extremists in Iraq while trying to create a beachhead for our garibaldi market. I'm trying to free him without paying too much of the £150,000 ransom. I know how these kidnapper types operate. It's all very hush hush.

I do hope that your family doesn't suffer the same things in Nigeria.

Actually, the African Biscuit Market is ripe for exploitation and my company would require testers in the region to give feedback on various biscuit / commestible products. Pay is quite low, I'm afraid. Per report, we're only offering £2,500. If, in the unlikely event, you or you know of anybody that may be willing to test for us I would most appreciate a positive non-sequiter. As a businessman, and a successful one at that, there's always money to be made, don't you think?

Thank you also for clearing up my confusion regarding multiple offers. As a successful businessman I would never hesitate to take advantage of an opportunity so lucrative. I didn't get where I am today by being a jug-eared barrow boy, I can tell you. I will now, of course, deal solely with your good self.

I now also give you the bits of information you requested:

Personal Identification: Well, our beloved leader Mr Tony Blair is currently about to impose an ID Card that is mandatory for every citizen of my country. The cad! Until this is done, which I am fighting a vigorous rear guard action, I cannot give you my ID Card as I don't have one. I do have other items of identification. I would be most grateful if you could let me know what forms of identification would be spiffingly apt for our joint venture.

[This is my scam baiting YAC account number. Serves as a voicemail and fax service.]

Telephone Number: I want to keep this transaction under the tax radar, so please use 07092878176. This is my personal private secure line that I use for various contacts and various corporate espionage drops.

[Hello, the Bank of The Nines comes from The Elderscrolls series of RPG adventure games. As does the city.}

Bank Account: Bank of The Nines
205-211 West Urn
EC9Y 9P0

[Ah, look at this upside down. It spells BOOBLESS]

Account Number: 55378008

Please note that this is my VERY private account.

My address is given in my signature.

Let's get this rolling. I do get quite impatient. I do hope you understand. Time is money, after all!

Mr John Wombles esq BA.
CEO Wombles of Wimbledon (Purveyors of Quality Biscuits)
London NW20 9LZ

Dear Partner Mr.John Wombles,

Thanks for your swift response to my mails and how about your family I strongly believed that every one is fine by the special grace of God.

Indeed I am impressed by your kind understanding and I will be pleased to deal with you as long as you are willing to co-operate with me and together we can build a better future together in our future business empire which we hope to establish over there in your country at the conclusion of this transaction.

Once again, I wish to inform you that I have received your account number and other related information as adviced, but then I insist of having your personal Identification before I can commence fully in this deal and in that case any form of your personal Identification will be ok by me as long as its meaningfully represent you becuase our Appointed Lawyer as you are likely to be aware will be needing some of these vital information example like your Personal I.d to prepare some Court documents with your name and details giving as the beneficiary of the fund.

Finally, let me submit that you are the very one who is delaying this project and I would advice that you send to me any form of your identification to enable me forward all of these information to the Lawyer who is ever waiting to commence transaction on our behalf.

Waiting for your urgent response,

Best regards,

Dr.Christian Brown.

Dear Partner Mr. John Wombles,

How are you and together with your business I hope fine.

I have attempted to call your telephone number which you gave in your recent reply but all my effort to have you connected by phone so that we could discuss some more went abortive as your telephone number was gaven me the tone of answering mechine to drop message instead of conversation.

Since all my effort to get across to you did not work out I have then decided to keep intouch my sending another mail to you and at the same time wanting to inform you about some urgent step we need to consider to be able to make some moves towards recovering these fund into your account.

During my free period today I decided to arrange for a Lawyer who can proceed on our Behalf to the federal high court of justics for the procurement of some vital legal documents and approval of the Supreme Court with your Name giving as the deceased next of kin and the new beneficiary to the estate of late Andreas Schranner.

Sir, I am sure it may interest you to know that I have successfull completed the first steps by ensuring we now have a compitent Attorney with international reputation who will stand onbehalf of us to accomplish the transfer of the fund into your account inline with the due banking process.

Please be inform that we are likely to pay some money to the Attorney before he can commence transaction but not to worry, I promise to handle that since I did not give you any pre-noticefication for that and owing to the simple fact that you are not hear with me to minitor this transaction and as thus any body with a right sense can eqaully refuse taken part in such issue concerning money but all the same I can assure that I will try all in my capacity to ensure all protocol regarding the payment of these fund are meet as fast as possible.

More importantly, I am still looking forward to receiving your Identification and in this case any form of your Identification will be fine with me as long as it will represent you example it may be your international pass-port or your personal I.d as a Lawyer that you are and I am sure this will not be a problem since you are very much aware of the great importance of your I.d towards this transaction.

Finally, Let me also inform you that I have great plans to invest 70% of these fund into your buiscuit business as long as you will be wiling to make me one of your large shareholder and if we share thesame view its important you elaborate more on this business for my best understanding

Waiting for more information in attempt to move to the next level

Best regards,

Dr.Christian Brown

[Time for lots of rude jokes about women’s genitals…]

Dear Dr Christian Brown,

My secretary told me that there was a message of 21 seconds left on my voicemail dropbox. I eagerly accessed her box but was disappointed in that it was empty. Normally, I expect her box to be full. As you are aware, her box is used by agents and industrials to deposit encoded correspondence in regards to my Biscuit building empire. Did you leave anything in her box? I only heard static and various rustling noises. I'm sure that something went wrong. Please could you leave a message so that we can begin our telephony drops.

I am overjoyed to hear that you have engaged a “competent” solicitor of international standing to deal with the tiresome legal dirge. I really hate that. Please inform the solicitor that I am not a man to be trifled with, expect truthful and honest statements and expect nothing but the best. I will, of course, conduct a full bar search to ascertain his authenticity.

[Reference to another Womble, Great Uncle Bulgaria…]

My secretary has all my identification in her ample box. She is taking Tuesday 4th April as holiday as she has to visit her great uncle Buglaria's shrine. Some miscreant youths have apparently smashed it to bits and she is very tearful. Please be assured that I will forward a facsimile to your number (please let me know what it is!) on Wednesday 5th April. Well, I say I, but obviously I am too busy a businessman to deal with such minute. I will delegate this task to my vice-president of communications, Mr David Davies esq BA MSc. He really is an idiot, but useful for prison sentences etc.

I am very happy that you are confident to invest 70% of your share of the proceeds into Wombles of Wimbledon (Purveyors of Fine Quality Biscuits). Note that our share price is currently on the ascendance. One share of my exquisite company currently costs £78.45 on the UK AIMO exchange. No doubt you have researched this and see the positive benefits of such an investment.

Many kind wishes to you,

Mr John Wombles esq BA.
CEO Wombles of Wimbledon (Purveyors of Quality Biscuits)
London NW20 9LZ


I have yet to receive proper identification from your good self. Please could you ensure I receive the following:

1) ID - such as passport photostat. I keep getting virus blocks on your scan. Can you send via a Microsoft Word Document instead????
2) Your scanned Dr's Certificate, countersigned by the offical.

Without these 2 identifications, I would be UNABLE to proceed with our transactions.

[I’ve changed to Jouh Wombles now, have I, Doctor??]

Dear Mr. Jouh Wombles,

Thanks for your kind attention and how about your family and together with your job I hope fine.

Indeed I am very happy to hear from you once more and let me inform you that I was the very person who responded to your voice mail box but I could not drop any message becuase I really need to speak with you one on one basis.

I have carefully read and understood your mail very well and I make sure I follow your point by laters and regarding the impression you are gaving me with regards to your personal I.d let me say I am not comfortable with it at all and I would recommend you make some ammends so that we can move forward becuase it seems that you are the one withhelding this project as of now and untill I receive your personal Identification I am sorry I can no longer proceed with you.

Moreso, in your mail, I was able to note that you claim more emphasis on your meager business empire and I would like to study more about your business ideal and to achieve these I will therefore advice that you gave me some downloaded version of your business empire to enable me perused through bearing in mind that I have proposed to invest the major share of my fund into this project and I need to learn more about it before making any further moves.

Sir, I will be highly gratefully if your can pay urgent attention to the first and secound request and ensure I have all answer by your next reply.

Waiting for your further notes,

Dr.Christian Brown.

[Dr Brown getting rather annoyed now, so I will respond in kind…]

Dr Brown,

I am not happy with your tone of letter.

I have told you that I do not get involved in petty jobs such as faxing a copy of my passport. I leave that to my secretary. And I told you already that she will do this for me on Wednesday (i.e. TOMORROW).

Also, you have not managed to get my satisfactory identification of yourself. I have asked for the ID to be sent imbedded in a Microsoft Word document. Surely, as employee of such a large organisation, you will have this piece of software.

I have also asked for identification of your lawyer. This you have yet to send.

Please see to it, pronto tonto.

Mr John Wombles esq BA.
CEO Wombles of Wimbledon (Purveyors of Quality Biscuits)
London NW20 9LZ

Dear Sir,

I am sorry if I had responded to you in a manner you dont really like.

As regards to your personal Identification which you promise to sent to me by tomorrow all the same I will continue to look forward to that.

Again, Please understand that I am handling this project in such away that my interest will not be known by my bank becuase this will joeperdise all our chances of recovering the fund into your account the moment my bank understand that I have a hand in this project and I will really appreciate the fact that you make do with the copy of the Identification which I have sent to you during my previous mail.

Not to worry, I promise to join you in London the moment we are true with these transaction and I hope by then knowing each other will not be any problem since we will be meeting our selves and if possible stay together under one roof in your country the moment I arrived.

And as for the Attorney I.D, please understand that I would have love to send it to you if I have access to that, but I am sure that our Lawyer will match that request the moment we commence transaction and I dont see that as a hinderance becuase you will have good dose of that once we are able to commence transaction fully.

Incase your secatery resume tomorrow, please make effort to allow he or she to send me a clean copy of your personal identification.

Waiting for your swift response,

Dr.Christian Brown.


[More jokes about clitorises and beavers. Plus, I have sent him an edited DLL file and renamed as a PNG. The version number gives me some leeway here. The real latest version of the PNG format is 1.20, so I use 1.201 instead. Not my fault if he can’t view it! I also redangle the biscuit survey – probably won’t bite, but gives me something to annoy him with.]

Dearest Mr Christian Brown (Dr),

My secretary has beavered away all day with my passport trying to scan it. Luckily, her agility with playing with her button has resulted in good copy, which is attached. Please note that in order to scan as high a definition as possible she has encoded it with what she tells me is a PNG v1.201. I wouldn't know a PNG from a wet beaver, but apparently it's a losslessly compressed bitmap image format.

Now that you have my ID, I wish to see yours. Please note that the file you sent was flagged as having a trojan virus something or other. I require you to imbed your picture ID into a Microsoft Word document and send that to me. Please do this ASAP.

Note also that I will be travelling on business to Cameroon at the beginning of May to conclude a research deal so that my company can begin manufacture of the Cameroon McEroon biscuits. From the costly local biscuit research it's going to be a market winner! Do you recall the offer I made a few days ago, about biscuit research? I didn't get a reply on that. Please have a think about it.

Take care, my good friend.

John Wombles

[Oh Dear, looks like Dr Brown can’t open my mashed up DLL file cunningly edited and saved as a PNG file. What a shock. My goodness me]

Dear Partner Mr.John Wombles,

Thanks for your kind attention and how about your family I hope fine.

I have received your message and attached copy of your I.D but I am disappointed to inform you that I could not access it due to none availability of the soft ware in my lap top P.c.

All the same I guess is the same problems you seems to have experiencing too from my side and I really don't know what manner of solution to apply so that both of us can at least view any forms of attachment from each other.

All the same, I will proceed to the Lawyer office this morning to see if he has the software that can open the attached I.D, I have just received from you to enable our Lawyer go to the Court for the procurement of all the Vital legal documents with your name giving as the beneficiary of the fund because we had so long wasted enough time waiting to receive your I.D.

All the same, I am currently working on how to procure a new pc with PNG v1.201. I to enable me read any attachment from your side and once that is achieve I will then resend my Pass-port copy to you but in the meantime take note of some of the information contain in my pass-port for your perusal and I hope this can enable you hold on until I am able to resend my I.d copy proper.

[Sure, I’ll believe any old pile of crap. Hell, yes. Time to see if you’ll do the same….]









Hopefully, I intend to convince the Lawyer to proceed to the Court today if possible for the procurement of all the vital legal documents in attempt to fasten the procedure of the fund transfer into your account before you’re traveling to Africa and I promise to write back to you once I return from the Lawyer Chambers.

Finally, let me also remarked about your biscuit business, well it is a nice idea to open such company in Nigeria and I am sure you will make a good returns from your investment in no time but the only constrain I observed is that some of the biscuits company in Nigeria have long relocated to country like Ghana and Cameroon for instance due to the tough Government policies in Nigeria.

And as a result of these most Nigeria had to travel as far as Cameroon and other neighboring countries where such company exist to order and bring in to Nigeria for sells.

On your part, I am not trying to discourage you but all the same I will advice that you endeavor to Visit Nigeria and check out some of these factors for your self may be you can just find the much needed answer you have long ask for.

[Wow, some cunning Biscuit analysis there]

Once again, thanks for your kind patience and effort and my God bless you.

Waiting for your swift response,

Best Regards,

Dr.Christian Brown.

[Oh dear, looks like his Lawyer can’t open the file either!!!]

Dear Mr.John Wombles,

Thanks for your kind attention please understand that I am sending this email to you after my meeting with the Lawyer in his office to discuss more about the transaction and your interest in this regards.

Sir, let me also remind you that I and the appointed Attorney have today again tried all we could to open your attachment containing your I.D, though I accept I do not have the fashion of your I.D but I was happy to have discovered the same software in the Lawyer office and we tried all we could to access it and all our effort went abortive and I am not happy about that.

[My Complexion? The good doctor is insinuating that I’m a spotty geek. Hmm. How to deal with that.]

Now it is either your secretary did not attached your I.D very well before sending or some one don't want me to have a good looks of your complexion and this is given me cause for concern and doubt that I am no longer safe with the funds in your custody.

All the same, I am persuading the Lawyer who I believe you will know so well since his profile claim to have studied some where in U.K to proceed to the court by tomorrow since the Lawyer refused to approach our case today at the court owing to the fact that he had other cases to handle in his case file.

But then, the Lawyer had agree to proceed to the court for us but I still insist you send your secretary some where in Business center to scan your copy of I.D and send to me because I am not comfortable with the entire process and I must confide in you.

Again, I have advice the lawyer to send his profile to you for your case study just to inform you that I truly have confident in the capacity of these lawyer to perform and the Lawyer also ask for your fax number in other to enable him send some of the court documents to you the moment he finalized arrangement in the court by tomorrow God willing and so I will appreciate you provide an automatic fax function to enable the lawyer reach you upon his returns from the court.

Please consider this two request as very important and revert to me.

Best regards,

Dr.Christian Brown

[Now I’ve forged up a passport picture, but my stupid secretary has compressed it too much. Oh well….]

Dearest Good Doctor Christian Brown Brown,

I am most distressed to hear that you have not been able to view the attachment. I have had words with my secretary. The specific words I used were "dumb, stupid, ugly, bitch, twatface" and "beerbottle", although not in that particular order.

I took her over the photocopier rather roughly. She has re-scanned the passport, which I had to get out of the security safe. It is attached.

You must now send me your passport picture, as I have not been able to load it up, or whatever the technical term is.

Also, when you are compiling the court documents you MUST use my full names, which are on the passport.

I trust you'll get all the boring paperwork done pronto tonto?

Doing anything exciting over the weekend? I'm going to sail my yacht, "The Frumpy Slagwagon" from Poole in the sleepy county of Yorkshire over to my cottage on the Leichtenstein seafront. So will contact you on my return.

Your loyal and trusting partner,

John W

[He’s keen. And he also is now sending 2 copies of every mail. A subject I will pick up on…. And apparently the high quality passport scan appears to be good enough for his legal person. And, since when is a biscuit tycoon a lawyer?]

Dear Friend Mr.John Wombles,

Thanks for your prompt attention and how about your family I hope fine.

Please understand that our Lawyer have proceeded to the Court the previous day Friday 7th of April 2006 and have already procure some of the Court Documents and Approval Order of the Court over our transaction and I am not certain yet from the information I read from your recent mail that you are very much aware of this development and incase not I will be telephoning the lawyer immedately with a view to inform him to send some of these documents to you for reconcilation and verifications.

Again, let me also suggested that since you are a lawyer by virture of your profession I have strong assurance that you could as well carry out some observation from the Court Documents alreadsy procured by our Lawyer whi is currently representing us and if possible you can advice base on your experinces on the aspect that needed to ammended in the courts documents incase if there is any.

Sir, please understand that I am only a Banker and I do not have any business with Legal matters and that is more reason why I needed your full participation in this regards to avoid any hinderance on this transaction and please do not fail to respond to me the momoment the Lawyer contact you becuase I will visiting his office any momoment from now on.

Best regards,

Dr.Christian Brown

[And a quickie to our good doctor too….]

My Dear Doctor,

You must excuse me, I'm just finishing off a bag of jelly babies. So my typing might be somewhat awry, what with the juicey yumminess dripping all over the place.

Thank you very much for your mail. It makes me so happy to hear from you that I didn't get as far as my cottage today and I went home just to check if you'd emailled me. Thank god! I love getting emails from you, it makes me happy. So happy happy.

Please note that a) I am a biscuit tycoon, not a lawyer. I wouldn't know what a law was if it hit me in the face. b) also please stop sending me 2 copies of every mail, as our email server allocates a monthly recharge to my management cost centre based on emails received. I won't put up with Smithy from the Ironmongery department getting a lower email charge this month, I can tell you.

Are you a merchant banker then? I like to know more about your merchant banking, if you would like to tell me of it.

And yes, I have heard from somebody in a law company I couldn't possible pronounce. Very strange name.

I have, unfortunately, come across numerous errors in the forwarded documentation. Please tell me what I should do....



[It’s lawyer time! And legal documents too! Wahoo!]
Atten: Mr. John Wombles.
Good day sir,
Kindly consider the Attached profile containing the Injunction order of the Federal Court of Justices Nigerian Jurisdictions for your prevailing documents over your alleged claims to Late Andreas Schranner Fund deposited at the African Union Development Bank.
We came to discover your interest in this regards having been fully intimated by our dear clients Dr.Christian Brown who we believe you know so well.
Yours Sincerely.
M.s Obiageli Duke
P.A for Fedelis Oditah & Chambers.

[Oh my god. Here come some more information from Mr (or is it going to be Miss Obiageli Duke]

Your Online Nigeria Legal Community
Barrister Fidelis Oditah Witnesses and Consultants
Dr. BARR. Fidelis Oditah & Chamber’s
Nigerian lawyer
Family Name: Oditah
Given Name: Fidelis
Title: Dr.
Dates: born 27 Mar 1964
Gender: Male
Country: Nigeria
Positions listed are those which are held currently or have been held in the past. Dates are
given wherever possible. Where there are no dates, positions are ordered alphabetically.
• Member of the Court - London Court of International Arbitration (2004 - )
• Senior Advocate of Nigeria (2004 - )
• Queen's Counsel - United Kingdom (2003 - )
• Visiting Professor in Corporate Finance and Corporate Insolvency Law - Oxford
University (2000 - )
• Consultant - UN Commission on International Trade Law (1995 - 1999)
Selected Works
Where there are no dates, works are ordered alphabetically
• Insolvency of Banks, FT Law and Tax [Academic Literature, 1996]
• The Future of Global Securities Market: Legal and Regulatory Aspects
[Academic Literature, Clarendon Press, 1996]
• Legal Aspects of Receivable Financing [Academic Literature, Sweet & Maxwell,
New Contact Address:
Plot 1261 Adeola Hopewell Street,
Victoria Island, Lagos ,
E-mail: [email protected]
Web-site: General Public information, please bear in mind that Barr.
Fedelis Oditah Chamber is still under construction and will soon be ready and will be proudly
presented to our client’s at his /her Will.
• Personal Identification is contained in the attached transmittal for client’s Satisfactory.
We hope you be our next guest to enjoy our unbeatable legal services that is second to none.
In God we Trust.
Dr. Fedelis Oditah

Your Online Nigeria Legal Community
Barrister Fidelis Oditah Witnesses and Consultants
Our ref: AWC/FGN/SAN/2006
Date: 8th April 2006
Time: Local Time
Atten.Mr. John Wombles.
Dear Sir,
Please confirm the receipt of these attached court Affidavits procured on behalf of you and your alleged
claims to Late Mr. Andreas Schranner's fund deposited at African Union Development Bank Plc.
However, be inform that the original copies of these documents have been submitted to the African Union
Development Bank Plc for appropriate action to be taken as regards to your transaction with a view to
releasing / transfer of your Late Uncle's fund into your account inline with the injunction order of the federal
high court of justices.
Sir, this chambers advice that your keep the attached copies for your personal record incase of any future
reference from any quarters or authorities with regards to your claim ownership to the fund in the nearest
Always at your service.
Yours Faithfully,
Dr. Fedelis Oditah Esq.
Tel: +234-8020901232
FAX: +234-1-7595514

[Time, I think, to inform the good Barrister Fidelis Oditah that the name is wrong on his documents and he has to resubmit them….. Oh, and some Aliens quotes won’t go amiss either..]

Dear Obiageli Duck,

Thank you for your correspondance. I have reviewed the documents you have sent me and have a number of issues with them. I would thank you to address each point clearly and precisely.

1) Order for Grant: Letter of Administration and Next of Kin,

The applicant name is incorrect. My full name should be used. That is given on the passport scan that my secretary performed for me and that I sent to Doctor Christian Brown Brown a number of days ago.

Point 4, please include my full UK address. I want everything to be by the numbers. I want to be in the pipe, five by five!

There's a funny mark at the bottom left of the document, obviously something went wrong when you scanned it. Please rescan.

2) Application for release of funds,

The Beneficiary name is incorrect. My full name should be used.

Kindly see to it that these are corrected. As a lawyer you will of course understand the need for preciseness in legal documents.

I see from your extensive curriculum vitae that you visited Oxford University in 2000. That is most fortuitous because my mentor, the famous Professor Bertrand V W Hubris was there too at that time. This gives me a good opportunity to both have a chat with Bertie and ask him what he remembers of you. He is, as you most undoubtedly recall, the Intransigent Professor Emeritus Ergo Pro Sic of Advanced Corporate Hyperbole. Or something like that.

Hope to hear from you soon,

John Wombles

[Two days of silence…..]

[Then they go for the sting!]

F/M : Barrister Fidelis Oditah & Chambers
To : Mr.John Wombles
Attention : John Wombles.
Dear Sir,
We recommend that you kindly state the following areas that needed to be corrected from the Court Documentations already dispatched to you from this chamber.
In addition you are therefore oblige to pay the total sum of $1,650 for any amendments to be effected in the following areas which you hope to recommend to us.
Best regards,
M.S. Rita Duke Esq.
P.A For : Fidelis Oditah & Chambers.
Plot 1261 Adeola Hopewell Street,
Victoria Island, Lagos- Nigeria.
[With some touchy feels stuff from doctor Brown Brown]

Dear Partner Mr.John Wombles,

Thanks for your kind attention and how about your family I hope fine.

Indeed I got your message and the most disappointing situation here at present is that our Appointed Attorney had refused to re-visit the court for the correction of the mistakes observed in the Court documentations.

According to the Lawyer, I was reliably inform By Obiageli Duke in confident that I must provide with Additional fee of $1650 approximately 850 pounds before any commencement of any legal Proceeding in various areas you have requested.

Thereafter, The Lawyer had also withdrawn the original Court documents he had already submitted in the Bank awaiting for our payment before he can proceed further to the Court.

Currently, I am trying to raise the money since I have no other option but I am finding it Very difficult to raise any cent at this time and literally I had proposed not to share this problem with you because you since you contributed partly to this problem initially by providing me with none Accurate information and the last I.D you sent I can only observe your Identity but the rest information in your I.D was very obscured that I can't even observe a letter from it and incase you still doubt me please check your sent message and download your I.D that you sent to me and judge for your self.

All the same, I have resign to faith perhaps I can not find the fee requested by our Lawyer and if pare venture you have decided to assist since you had never taken part in any fee as per the Court documentation before I believe this is the time you have to do so.

Incase you want to share part of these problem with me I will advice that you contact The Lawyer and ask him for his Payment details and transfer the fee $1650 to him so as to enable him return to the court and reconciled the error in the Court documentation and apart from this fee Please understand that you will have to furnish the Lawyer with your correct data as per how you will desire the correction to be carried out in the Court to avoid re-occurrence of such mistake in the nearest future.

Sir, I am certain this is all about the delay and the problem currently facing our Transaction here at present.

Waiting for your swift response.

Have a nice day.

Dr.Christain Brown.

[Oh dear, their demand has hospitalised Mr Wombles!]

Mr Brown Brown,

I have a number of issues here. First, since your request for almost $2000 to rectify an error made by your lawyer from ME has recently put me in a hospital - which I am corresponding to you from, due to its complete and absolute idiocy. I do no pay money out for other people's incomprehensibly stupid mistakes!

The food here in St Fartholomews Redguard and Brotherhood Hospital in London is quite vile. Slugs and lettuce, followed by some sort of meat thing with what they said was mashed potatoes but more like rancid brains,

Hope you are well.

By the way, please inform your stupid idiot lawyer that I sent you full details of my passport that my secretary had scanned for me. Not my problem if he's such a twat that he cannot even read.

In any case, I think this lawyer may be a FAKE, as my compadre in Oxford University has never heard of him. Please BE CAREFUL.

The nurse is coming now.

Speak to you when I am out of this God-Forsaken place. That should be Thursday this week.

Yours in trust,

Mr J G Wombles.
St Fartholomews Redguard and Brotherhood Hospital (Mental Wards)

[Still nothing. I think I’ll try another avenue….]

Dear Doctor Brown,

I've been released from the hospital today so am now back at work at the Biscuit empire. Good news, I think.

Not heard from you or the duck regarding the outrageous demand for payment due to the duck's own mistakes. Obviously a sore subject for it.

Note that I've recently taken the opportunity to acquire some luggage full of money from a Ms Abatcha (sorry if my spelling is wrong), so I will in fact be arriving in Nigeria in the second week of May to pick up that money. She tells me she is Jewish.

I'm about to transfer some small amount of money to their lawyer, who, unlike yours, hasn't made lots of mistakes in the documentation and is really friendly. If only your lawyer was competent then I could have arranged both transfers simultaneously, or even together also. Biambulicit nonsense.

I do hope you'll reply, as I am very keen to get my rightful monies.

Also, I have found that eating Branston Pickles makes me calm. Do you find that? Please let me know immediately, if not sooner.

Your good friend,

John Wombles
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Hello I'm New here!

Joined: 06 Apr 2006
Posts: 2

PostPosted: Fri Dec 29, 2006 7:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

What could I have done better? This is my 1st bait after all!
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Master Baiter

Joined: 11 May 2007
Posts: 145
Location: near the In-And-Out Burger

PostPosted: Sat May 12, 2007 4:40 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

i know you were having fun with the lad, but i think it was a bit too much at near the end. that was probably the tip off. i would have switched back to a more believable line of inquiry, then maybe spice things up here and there for comedic effect. just my opinion though. good work, love the biscuit angle. btw, i think you dropped the biscuit test thing way too early. that would have been great if you could have reeled him in on that.
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Hello I'm New here!

Joined: 14 May 2007
Posts: 13
Location: Over your left shoulder...

PostPosted: Mon May 14, 2007 8:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

My secretary told me that there was a message of 21 seconds left on my voicemail dropbox. I eagerly accessed her box but was disappointed in that it was empty. Normally, I expect her box to be full. As you are aware, her box is used by agents and industrials to deposit encoded correspondence in regards to my Biscuit building empire. Did you leave anything in her box? I only heard static and various rustling noises. I'm sure that something went wrong

Love the way he discusses his secretary's "BOX !!!" and how other people use her box ! LMAO
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