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 A burning bush finds a job

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Modalitator
Master Baiter


Joined: 12 Oct 2005
Posts: 199
Location: At the mountains of madness


PostPosted: Sun Apr 23, 2006 10:55 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A short but silly bait in which a burning bush is recruited by a Hong Kong scammer.

The orginal job offer seems to be lost.


From: Burning Bush
Subject: Tell me more

This sounds very interesting! Tell me more.



From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Attention Sir/Madam,
Thanks for your prompt email to our company. Our
company is a registered company and located here in
hong kong and our factory is located in china. And we
are in to production of electrical parts, for both
export and import.
We need to let you know that,money will be send to you
by our customers around you through the following
ways; bank transfer, diplomatic means. And you will be
expected to travel and meet our customers face to
face when collecting huge sum of funds.
Morever, for a start, you will be entitled to 10% of
any payment send to you by our customers around you.
And additional money will also be given to you to
cover any expenses you made during collection of any
payment. You will also be entitled to 5% travel
expenses.
Futhermore, all your informations has been fowarded to
the normal channel in our company for processing. And
a circular letter will be pass to all our customers
around you for payment. And as soon as i am through
with all, our customers will start contacting you for
payment. Good bye for now and i am looking foward to
hear from you.
Yours Sincerely,
Victor cheung James



From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Thank you for your mail. Your conditions sound very agreeable indeed, and I see no problems with your modalities. This comes at a good time. I've been planning to build some sort of a construction, a roof I think it's called, to keep the rain away so some extra money comes in handy. Being a burning bush it is no laughing matter to get wet, as I'm sure you understand.

I look forward to meeting with the customers face to face, or rather face to flame. I'm sure we will have a good business relationship. You can start sending the money as soon as you like.



From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliments of the season to you. And we are still working on your file for the representative position our company. We will get back to you as soon as your file is approve.
It is not our company that will be sending you the payment but our customer around your country. Please, you need to send us your complete house address and phone number for update of your representative file still under our processing.
Mr Victor Cheung James



From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Nice to hear from you again, James. Can I call you James? Sorry about the mixup. I'm looking forward to hearing from the customers.

You asked me about my address. Well, I tend to move around a lot so I don't really have a permanent address. Mostly I've been manifesting myself here in the Arizona desert lately. But I can give you an address for the shelter I told you about that I'll be building. I haven't built it yet. I tried to, but the wooden planks kept getting on fire and burning up, so it didn't work out. Guess I'll try using bricks next time.

The address is:

Long Cactus Row 37B
Gravel Sands
Arizona 85914
United States

I don't have a phone. I don't like them, really. It's not quite the same talking to people over the phone, it robs much of the effect, you see. Talking to a towering pillar of flame in the night is so much more imposing than hearing a distant voice in a phone, as I'm sure you agree.

Cheers.



From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliments of the season to you. You need to have phone with you before we ca proceed with you because, we can not expose our company funds to risk ok.
You are highly advice to have a phone now and send us the number for better working with our company.
Thanks
Mr Victor Cheung James




From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Dear Victor,

Now I don't understand you. What does a telephone have to do with "exposing company funds to risk"?

You didn't mention anything about phones in your initial mail. If this is now a problem, why didn't you say a phone was needed?

Please explain yourself.




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>


Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliments of the season to you. Please, i will like to inform you that, we do good business on phone and that is why, your house phone number is needed.
This email should be of good understanding to you. And we are looking forward to see you furnish us with the phone number in your next email to us.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James




From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Dear Cheung,

Your message was well read and understood, but as I told you before I don't own a telephone. Neither do I own a house, for that matter. I wander freely around the Arizona desert, passing divine messages to people I meet.

I've actually gotten somewhat bored with this desert. People here aren't quite receptive to my sermons. Things really aren't what they used to be, I'll tell you that! Oh, how it was back when I was living in the Sinai desert! Whenever I would appear before the people they would bow down in awe and listen raptly to what I would say.

Maybe I should move away. Are there any good deserts in Hong Kong? But it has to be dry there, I hate rain.

I'll see what I can do about the phone.



A couple of days pass with no reply.


From: Burning Bush
To: [email protected]
Subject: How's it hanging?

Dear James,

I haven't heard from you for a few days, is everything all right? I hope you haven't been bitten by a snake and gotten poisoned. I hate snakes. And sticks, which is pretty much the same thing, you know. Sticks to snakes, snakes to sticks...

Well, I have a phone now, so you can call me any time. The number is (001) xxx-xxx-xxx
(A random payphone number)

What happens now? I'm really excited about this deal, I haven't been this excited since I was a small, barely simmering twig! Will there be many customers each day or just one?




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>
Subject: letter of authourisation

Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliment of the season to you and we congratulate you for been successfull in our representative selection.
Morever, below in the attachment is the authourisation letter that stand as our memoradum of understanding between you and our company. Please you need to keep this authourisation safe because, some customer may request it from you before paying you any payment.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James



A 100% genuine letter of authourisation. Respect my authorita!


Image




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>


Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliments of the season to you. Please you need to get back to us wit your full names.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James



From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: letter of authourisation

Dear Victor,

Thanks for the authourisationing letter, I'll make sure to keep it safe. Sometimes I have difficulties with papers, they tend to burn up for no reason I can fathom. Strange thing.

My full name is Blaze Elohim Bush, but usually I'm just called Burning Bush.

Cheers.




Several days pass, but no customers.


From: Burning Bush
To: [email protected]
Date: Mar 31, 2006 1:52 PM
Subject: no customers yet

Dear Cheung,

I haven't seen any customers yet, do you think it's normal? I'm starting to get worried that something's wrong. I'd really like to get this started.

Last night I thought I had a customer come to me when this old fellow approached me, but he was only looking for the promised land. I showed him the way to Las Vegas. I often meet these kinds of people here in the desert. I don't know why. Maybe they like my flames.





From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>


Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliments of the season to you. Please you need to be close to your computer and phone because, we have started distribution of circular letters to our customers around you. So that, they can be sending paymet to you. Please contact me when you receive any information from our customers.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James




From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Dear Chung,
(The name starts to slowly mutate...)

Very nice to hear from you. I'm burning with excitement! Well, I'm burning all the time anyway, but I mean in a figurative way. A figure of speech you know, burning with excitement. Do you like figures of speech?

I like mulberries too.




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Attention Sir/Madam,
Compliments of the season to you. The content of your email was well read but not understood. Please you need to be serious in your writing.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James





From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Dear Cheng,

I'm very serious. After all, this is very serious business, isn't it? No playing matter.

I just meant to say that I'm very excited about this whole thing. Best thing that's happened to me for a long time. I'm a little short of cash you see, I tend to burn up all my money the moment I get it, it goes off just like that, vanishes in the thin air like smoke. So your proposal came in just the right moment.

Anyway, all the best to you and I look forward to hearing from the customers.




A customer appears! Yay!


From: mr roys smith <[email protected]>
Subject: Your Payment File


ATTENTION:
Sir/Madam,
In respect of the above subject, we hereby write to acknowledge receipt
of Disbursement Instructions in favor Mr victor Cheung James of
Vouchtec dev. ltd, who you are accredited to be representing. Several attempts
have been made to reach you without success, before the effort of this
email message.

After my telephone conversation of yesterday with Mr Victor Cheung
James, I did confirm, that of the three mentioned entitlements that are yet
unclaimed, the one due to vouchtec dev. ltd is us$17,500,000:00
(Seventeen Million, Five Hundred Thousand). As you are stated to be acting on
behalf of Mr Victor Cheung James , you must present to us, a letter of
authority from him.

To enable us process your file, in order to effect delivery of the
consignments, you are expected to meet our standard requirements, visit to
Holland

(a) Fill in the Foreign Beneficiaries' form attached herewith, and
submit to us immediately.

(b) Submit to us, photocopies of relevant pages of your international
travelers' passport, which is strictly for purpose of identification.
Any other valid proof of I.D. may suffice.

(c) Submit also, official evidence of payment of our
administrative/clearance fees, amounting to the sum of six hundred and fifty euro ( 650:00 euro), which can be paid in through the bank details of our
Accounts Department (available upon request)
,or through western union or in cash during your visit to the Holland.

Please note that your urgent response is advised, so that your file on
the pending payment, is not kept open for a period, longer than
necessary.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Roys Smith

Note: forwarded message attached.




Since he mentioned the bank stuff, I want to get the account details. WU sucks anyway.


From: Burning Bush
To: mr roys smith <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Your Payment File

Hullo there Mr. Smith! Very nice to hear from you. You're my first customer!

Sorry to hear about your troubles getting in touch with me. Have you been trying to visit me here in the desert? Sorry I wasn't around when you came. I move around a lot, manifesting myself here and there, passing spiritual advice to folks I meet.

I don't quite understand why you want me to travel, can you please explain? And why Holland especially? I don't like Holland, it's a terrible place. Wet and cold. Europe is really miserable, not a single good desert. I know, I've been there. Constantly raining, I almost got extinguished! Only country I could stand was Spain. Really, I don't want to go there again.

Besides, I don't have a passport, so it would be kind of hard to get there anyway. Which brings me to your request about the passport. Sorry, but since I don't have one I can't send you a photocopy. I attached here a picture of myself and a few mates taken a few months ago, I hope it's ok? The guy on the right is Mr. Moses, he's a very old friend of mine. It was a blast to see him again after all these years.

I'll send you the rest of the papers you wanted very soon, don't worry.

Bye!




A picture of me and three mates:


Image




From: Burning Bush
To: [email protected]
Subject: Got a customer! Yay!

Dear Chong,

Finally I got mail from a customer! I'm sooooooo excited! Mr. Roys Smith sent me a mail. He's got some modalities I need your help with.

He requested a letter authority from you. Can you please provide me with one? I know you sent it to me earlier, but I can't seem to find it now. I must have misplaced it somewhere. Maybe it caught fire. Sorry. I'm sometimes a bit careless with myself.

He also sent me this form. I don't know how to fill it. What's these voucher numbers and purposes of payment and such? Please fill it for me so I can send it to him. Thanks.

And he also asked me to send him a payment of 650 euros. What's with that? I thought it was supposed to be the other way around. That is, he would pay me instead of me paying him. I'm really confused now.

Hope you clear these matters for me. I await your urgent reply.




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>


Attention Sir,
Compliments of season to you.We thank you very much for your kind update. And the content of your email was well read and understood.
And below is the attachment is the letter of authourisation you requested and you have print and keep in your file. Morever, you are suppose to fill the form yourself and return it back to them by law as our representative. And i will give you guide lines to fill the form. Regarding the voucher number, you can leave the space. You are to write PAYMENT FOR GOODS SUPPLIED in the space where you have purpose of payment.
Furthermore, regarding the 650 euro they requested, it is their official administrative/clearance fees payable to European Clearing House to clear your payment file. So, you are not paying them but clearing your payment with the European Clearing Funds. And the cleraring house are aware of the untouchable amount involved on the transfer to you already and they dont have any right to touch the funds before it get to you. This should be of good understanding to you.

Yourss sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James




From: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Attention Sir/Madam,
Thanks for your message. Please follow up with our requirement and collect your funds in our custody. And we can not accept the kind of picture you sent to us. We need a valid ID with your photograph inside.
Your sincerely,
Mr Roys Smith




From: Burning Bush
To: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Dear Smithy,

What's wrong with my picture? I thought I look quite warm and friendly in that one. Well, here's another one, is it any better? I'm the one on the left. As I said I don't have a passport so I can't send you one. I'd like you to send me a picture of yourself, too.

Here's the rest of the papers now.

I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's a problem with the fees. The 650 euros you asked for. You see, we don't have any euros here. I'm in Arizona, we use only dollars. So I don't know if I'll be able to find any to send you. Sorry.



The requested form (in actual size Smile )

Image



And another picture of me and the gang jamming in the desert.



Image



From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Dear Ching,

Thanks for your explanatings. There's still one thing I don't understand. You wrote that the money is untouchable to them. How will they send it to me? They can't send it if they can't touch it, can they? This is quite perplexing.




From: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Attention Sir,
We acknowledged the receipt of the documents sent to our office by your.On behalf of provindent company,we regret to inform you that, we can not accept the pictures sent to us. I will like to inform you once again to send your identification document for processing of your payment. If you can not submit your traveler's passport, any of your valid identity card may be acceptable.
Futhermore, regarding the Clearing fees, since you can not send euro from Arizona, you can send it in equivalet in us dollars. The equivalet is us$875. You can send the us$875 to our account department accountant here in Holland (Mr Smith Clark) through western union or money gram with the address below:
Parkietendonk 22, 5467DS Veghel, Holland. And you will need to send us the money transfer informations as below:

(1) Sender's Names _____ ?

(2) Receiver's Names: Mr Smith Clark

(3) MTCN Number _________?

(4) Amount: us$875

(5) Country/state money sent from __?

Morever, as soon as we receive these remaining requirements and pay the fees to the European Clearing House for clearing of the funds, the funds will be wired to you without delay.We are looking foward to receive the remaining requirements.
Yours sincerely,




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>


Attention Mr Bush,
Compliments of the season to you. The content of your message was understood. And you are not getting me clear. I mean the provindent neither the European Clearing House does not have right to spend the funds or deduct any fees out the total funds. They are to send the funds to you through bank transfer.
This email should be of good understanding to you. I will be hoping to see you collect the payment soon.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James




From: Burning Bush
To: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Oh dear, I'm sorry but I forgot to tell you, but Western Union is out of the question. I can't use them. You see, there was a tiny little accident when I was in the Western Union place last time. I was a bit careless. Luckily there was a person washing store windows nearby with a bucket of water, so the fire didn't get out of hand. Pity the lovely lady got her hair all burned up. They said they don't want to see me there ever again. So I can't send the money that way.

Can I send it by bank transfer? Please provide me with your account number.

I've got the money ready now. I had to borrow some of it from my friend Josh. He didn't want to, but I threatened to send a plague of locusts on him if he didn't. So it's ok now. And I'll be able to pay him back soon afterall so all's well.

Cheers




From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>


Dear Chirg,

Okay, I think I undertand you now. The modalities are in good order. Mr. Smit will be transferring the money to me soon, what will I do then?



From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Attention Mr Bush,
Compliments of the season to you. Please, immediately you receive the funds, you will need to deduct your 10% representative fees from the total money and your 5% expenses fees. So, you will need to send the balance funds to our company bank account. I will furnish you with our bank account as soon as you receive the funds in your bank account.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung james





From: mr roys smith <[email protected]>
Subject: Your Are Advice To send The Fess To Mr Aaron Cooker Through Money Gram

Attention Sir,
The contents of your email message was well read but not well understood. And we will like to inform you at this point that, european Clearing House will be clossing your file in their desk within the next 72hours due to your delay in clearing the funds. And we will not be responsible for any loos of funds.
Futhermore, for you to be on a safer side, you are higly advice to send your identification document and the clearing fees as soon as possible. And if you can not send the fees through western union, you can send it through MONEY GRAM or have someone help you to go to western union office, if you can not go to western union yourself ok.. We dont receive such litle payment through bank transfer except through western union or money gram. And due to your lateness in complying with this proceedures, you are advice to send the fees directly to MR. AARON COOKER . So, you will need to send the money transfer informations.
Your sincerely,
Mr Roys Smith




From: Burning Bush
To: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Dear Rose,

What do you mean with closing files and desks? I don't quite understand you now. What do I have to do with your furniture? Please sir, I'm a burning bush, not a janitor, I don't know anything about desks. Could you explain what you mean with that?

There's nothing unclear about the funds. They're in clean, if slightly worn, bills. Nothing that needs any clearing. They're perfectly usable.

And what comes to the transfer, you said yourself in your first mail that I can send the fee with a bank transfer. So I'm very confused now.





From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Dear Chirp,

Seasons greetings! The modalities with the customer are going fine, although I'm a bit confused about some things in their last email. I'm waiting for them to clarify a bit.

Will there be more customers soon? I'm really starting to like this job! It's a lot more fun than the preaching and prophecies I usually do. And pays a lot more, too. I don't get a cent from my usual stuff. People don't really appreciate divine revelations very much these days.

I think I could easily handle many more customers. You can send me some, if you've got any. Cheers!




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>
Date: Apr 10, 2006 12:40 PM
Subject: Message

Attention Mr Bush,
Thanks for your email. You need to be expecting more customers because, more customers will contact you for more payment. Our company have customers in the USA, Europe and Africa . So, we have directed all the customers to be sending payment to you. Atleast, this should be of good understanding to you.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James





From: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Attention Sir,
If you are intrested in collecting the funds, simply send our requirements below :
(1) Your ID.
(2) The require fees through money gram.

Note: I will not entertain any unserious email from you again. Rolling Eyes

Yours sincerely,
Mr Roys Smith





From: Burning Bush
To: mr roys smith <[email protected]>


Hey, I get the feeling from your last email that you're upset with me. Why? I don't undertand you know. Sorry if I said something wrong, ok? I'm still new to this job.

Look, I need to send this fee via bank transfer. There's no way they'll let me in to the Western Union place. And Moneygram... well, let's just say that they don't like my kind there. Discrimination, I say! Won't serve bushes! Bah! One day we'll rise and show the world that being a bush, or a tree even, is nothing to be ashamed of! Yeah!

Sorry, I got a bit carried away. I just don't like them folks at Moneygram.


You suggested that I'd send one of my friends to send it via Western Union. Sorry, but that won't work either. If I'd put Luke or Mark on the matter, they'd just spend the money on booze and religious implements! Then they'd come back and say that they're really sorry, and try to placate me with a can of petrol. Trust me, I know these folks. And John is even worse, he's constantly high on peyote, he couldn't find his way to the Western Union if he wanted to.

So please give me your bank account details and I'll send the money to you right away, ok?




From: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Attention Sir,
You are advice to send the fees through western union or money gram. And if you can not send the money through this two means and send your ID, you will need to forget about the collection of the payment in our custody.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Roys Smith.





From: Burning Bush
To: mr roys smith <[email protected]>

Here's what YOU wrote on April 6:

Submit also, official evidence of payment of our
administrative/clearance fees, amounting to the sum of six hundred and fifty euro ( 650:00 euro), which can be paid in through the bank details of our
Accounts Department (available upon request),or through western union or in cash during your visit to the Holland.


So I don't understand your problem with giving the darned bank number to me. I have the money right here. Do you want me to send it to you or not?

I'll return the money to Josh unless you provide me with the bank numbers.





From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Message

Dear Chimp,

I'm having some difficulties with the customer fellow. He's not willing to provide me with his bank details, so I can't send him the fee!

Now he's saying to forget about the deal.

Can you send me another customer now?




From: james victor cheung <[email protected]>

Attention Mr Bush,
Compliments of the season to you. You need to follow up with the requirement of provindent company for collection of the funds. And i just leanrt from them that, you refused to send the fees through western union or money gram. Please send the fees to provindent company and get things done now.
Yours sincerely,
Mr Victor Cheung James




From: Burning Bush
To: james victor cheung <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: ??? Re: Message

Dear Chimp,

Seasonings to you too.

I'd love to send the money to him, but he won't tell me his bank account number! I can't send the money by Western Union or Money Gram. The people at those places won't allow me to use them! They're discriminating against me! Isn't it outrageous? At this day and age a bush, burning or not, really should be allowed to use any money transfer modality he likes. But no, they say that I set things on fire and yadda yadda. I know it's just that they think burning bushes are inferior to them. As if a bush didn't have any feelings too.

Sometimes I think it would be best if I just moved away from here. Maybe go back to Sinai. Or maybe the Gobi desert. Have you been to Gobi? Do they discriminate against bushes there, do you know?



No answer. Now I won't find out if bushes are discriminated against in the Gobi desert.

If he doesn't want to give his bank acc. info, why does he mention it in his script? Silly mugu.

_________________
YOU ARE VERY EVIL, NOTTING BUT A WITCH, YOU SHOULD BE BURNT ALIVE OR BURRIED ALIVE. SENDING ME FAKE MONEYGRAM NUMBER WAS VERY NICE OF YOU WITCH WOMAN.
Safari Safari "i ran out of cash and my phone was totally down so i had to sleep at the park in Abuja" "i can;t wait any more so i had to sell my mobile phone o get my transport fee back home"
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GeorgeBush
419Eater is my life


Joined: 05 May 2004
Posts: 378
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PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 5:34 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Nice work, enjoyable and very different. Amazing how the lads miss the artistry. Thanks for posting...

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WindyMiller
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 02 May 2006
Posts: 26


PostPosted: Fri May 05, 2006 10:58 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I swear this is one of their sketches, absolutely brilliant!!

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