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 Space, the final frontier.....

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BeauClaghorn
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 30 Nov 2005
Posts: 55
Location: Over here. Over there. I am everywhere.


PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 3:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The initial e-mail:

From: Osei Dennis

FROM MR.OSEI DENNIS
ZENITH TRUST BANK PLC
40 NKRUMAH ROAD
ACCRA- GHANA

Dear Friend,

I am Mr.Osei Dennis,Accountant to ZENITH TRUST BANK LIMITED,and close friend to
Late Mr.Mark Wallace,from your country.

First, I got your contact address through YOUR COUNTRY CHAMBER OF COMMERNCE
WEBSITE DIRECTORY.

In my files I discovered that my customer abandoned sum of(Eighteen million Five
Hundred Thousand United states Dollars) in our bank ZENITH TRUST BANK GHANA
LIMITED.

On a record before my department I was made to know that on the 1st of June 2003,
him and his family were involved in a car accident along Kumasi-Aburi Express road.
All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace your name as his
relatives because he is from same country with you. Since I got information about
his death, My office has been expecting his next of kin to come over and make claim
of this money which is currently deposited in our custody because the ZTB cannot
release it directly to me or any other person unless somebody applies for the
release of it as next of kin to the deceased as indicated in our mutual agreement
(Between THE DECEASED and the ZENITH TRUST BANK MANAGEMENT),unfortunately his
supposed nextof kin died along with him at the Fatal auto crash.

It therefore upon discovery the ugly news that I now decided to make business with
you to direct you on how to apply with this office (ZENITH TRUST BANK)to assist in
repatriating the money left behind by my friend before they get confiscated or
declared unserviceable by the bank. The request of a foreigner as next of kin in
this business is occasioned by the fact that my customer was a foreigner and the
next of kin died been the wife died alongside with him and also a citizen of Ghana
cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over two year now I
seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you are
from the same country so that the proceeds of this account valued at (Eighteen
million Five Hundred Thousand United states Dollars)can be paid to you and then you
and l can share the money. 60% to me and 40% to you, I have two necessary legal
documents that can be used to backup any claim we may make.

All require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. I
guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will
protect you from any breach of the law.

Expecting a positive response soonest.

Sincerely yours,
Mr.Osei Dennis.

The response from my character:

From: Dick Payne

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I am very interested in your proposal and would like to hear more about it. I could use the money as my retirement fund.

Please assure me that this will be a legal transaction. I am in a position of respect in my country and I desire not to do anything illegal.

I look forward to your reply,

Dick Payne
Major, U.S.A.F.


He responded with a typical script response, but added the line on the end to assure me that the transaction is legal.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Dick,

Thanks for your response and your kind wiliness to assist in this business.All I need from you is your trust and honest.

First i want you to send to me your full name, contact address and telephone/fax number for easily communications and understanding.

As soon as I receive those information I will send to you an application form which you will fill and send back to the Bank for urgent released of this fund Eighteen million Five Hundred Thousand United states Dollars($18.5) into your nominated account, and after this I will come over to your country for sharing and joint business between you and myself.

Mr. dick I am assured you this is legal transfer.

Awaiting your urgent response.

Regards,
Osei Dennis


In my response I ask for identification from him, which in retrospect was not a good idea to do it this soon. In the end, he ignored the request and I didn’t slap him for it…yet.

From: Dick Payne

Dear Mr. Dennis,

My full name is Dick Payne. My air force rank is Major, so my formal name would be Major Dick Payne. My address is 1060 West Addison Avenue, Houston, Texas 77001 U.S.A.

I cannot at this time provide you with a phone number, and here is the reason why. What I am about to tell you must be kept strictly confidential. I trust that you will keep it this way. Remember in my previous e-mail I told you I held a position of respect in my country? Well, I am an astronaut. I am currently onboard the International Space Station, and will be here for another three weeks. Therefore, I am unable to communicate to you by phone. I will be able to speak to you by phone upon my return to Earth.

I can receive faxes here on the space station, and I can provide you with that number. It is 360-283-9123. You may fax the application form to that number, and I can complete it and return it to you. Please do not give that fax number to any other person; NASA would not like it if we began to receive a lot of faxes.

Mr. Dennis, I have told you something very confidential about me, and that takes a lot of trust. I would like a token of trust returned from you. Could you provide me with some identification so I can see exactly with whom I am dealing with?


Well, he bought the idea that Maj. Payne is really in space:

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick Payne,

I receive your mail,

All you said shall remain top secret to me, major I have send to you an application via email so all you have to do is fill properly and send to the bank urgent.

Hope to hear from you as soon as you return from the space I wish you the best of luck.

Regards,
Dennis


In another e-mail he sends me the application form, which is to be sent back to Paul William, the managing director of Zenith Trust Bank in Accra, Ghana:

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick Payne ,

Thanks for your mail.Please kindly peruse through the below application and fill where applicable.

You should send immediately to the bank email after filling.

Thanks.
Osei Dennis.

=======================================================

ATTN:DR.PAUL WILLIAM
Managing Director,
Zenith Trust Bank Plc
40 Nkrumah Rd,
Accra Ghana.
Email: [email protected]

Dear Sir,

My name is ------------------------ I live in........(city and Country). I wish to notify you of my readiness to transfer the money($18.5M) deposited in your bank by my late Cousin Mr. -------------------in a fixed account no: 0042300345 three years ago before the untimely auto accident which occurred two years ago along Kumasi/Aburi highway which also claimed his wife and only son.

We have now finished our culturally demanded period of mourning.

I am the surviving next ofkin to.............. .......and wish that his fund is transferred to my account to take care of the problems that he left behind.

I am expecting your urgent acknowledgement of this request and Feel free to contact me for any additional information that you may require.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,
-------------
TEL: ---------------------Fax-----------------


I send the completed application to Paul William:

From: Dick Payne

ATTN:DR.PAUL WILLIAM
Managing Director,
Zenith Trust Bank Plc
40 Nkrumah Rd,
Accra Ghana.
Email: [email protected]

Dear Sir,

My name is Dick Payne I live in Houston, Texas, U.S.A I wish to notify you of my readiness to transfer the money($18.5M) deposited in your bank by my late Cousin Mr. Mark Wallace in a fixed account no: 0042300345 three years ago before the untimely auto accident which occurred two years ago along Kumasi/Aburi highway which also claimed his wife and only son.

We have now finished our culturally demanded period of mourning.

I am the surviving next ofkin to Mark Wallace and wish that his fund is transferred to my account to take care of the problems that he left behind.

I am expecting your urgent acknowledgement of this request and Feel free to contact me for any additional information that you may require.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Best Regards,
Major Dick Payne, U.S.A.F

Fax: XXX-XXX-XXXX


After sending the application to Paul William, I drop a little line to Osei Dennis. I want to bring my lawyer, Benjamin Matlock, to act as my middle man.

From: Dick Payne

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I have e-mailed the completed form to Zenith Bank.

I did not provide my phone number yet because 1.) I'm not home and won't be for three weeks; and 2.) I don't want my wife involved.

I do have a trused lawyer, whom I have known for many years who I can contact and have him serve as a liason on Earth for you. He was a law partner with my father, and I trust him completely to do what I ask of him.

Let me know if this is acceptable, and I can send you the contact details.

Maj. Dick Payne]


Osei Dennis doesn’t want my lawyer involved. I was tempted to slap him, but restrained myself…I knew sooner or later Mr. Matlock would come into the fun:

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

I appreciate your update; I prefer to co could this transaction personally with you remember we have to keep this fund transfer as a top secret to our self so I will wait.

Also major as soon as the bank response to you keeps me posted waiting to receive your response soonest.

Thanks,
Dennis


I then received an e-mail from Paul William of the Zenith Trust Bank. He wants some documents, which of course I’ll have to ask my new best friend Osei for:

From: Paul William
Dear Major Dick Payne,
Sir,
We hereby acknowledge receipt of your letter urging us to transfer your next of kingship claims.Before we can enbark on this transfer you are requested to send the following.
1.Letter from the hospital where the late Mark Wallace died.
2.Document from the court proving your next of kinship.
Your funds will be transfered upon the confirmation of these above stated documents.
Sincerely yours,
Dr.Paul William.

I fire off an e-mail to Osei Dennis asking about the documents. Again I ask about my lawyer, but he still doesn’t want him in:
From: Dick Payne
Dear Mr. Dennis,

I have received an e-mail from Zenith Bank demanding a letter from the hospital where Mark Wallace died and a court document proving that I am the next of kin. I hope that you are able to provide me with these.

I am still considering bringing my lawyer in on this. I do not feel comfortable not being on Earth and not having a representative for me there. I do not wish to be taken advantage of.

Maj. Dick Payne


His response:

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

I have receive your mail regards the required documents from the bank I will be at the high court of justice tomorrow to secure the affidavits of claim in your name I will also update as soon as possible.

Major you should not involve any person or group of person in this transaction we can handle this fund transfer without no problem. I will keep in touch soonest.

Thanks,
Dennis.


Osei Dennis goes to the High Court of Justice (ironic name) and SURPRISE! he can’t get all of the documents without paying a nice, fat fee.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

This is to notify you that I was enable to secure Mr. Mark Wallace death certificate this morning from the high court of justice Accra Ghana.

Regards the affidavits of claim in your name as the rightful beneficiary of this fund the high court made me to understand that before this is you are required to obtain form with sum of $1,200 dollars from the court first which qualify to sown oat that you are the beneficiary of $18.5m dollars left by late Mr. mark Wallace an America citizen who live here Ghana before his death.

All that worried me now is that you are not on earth now I have spent the little money I have with me regards the death certificates of late Mr. mark Wallace.

Hope to hear from you regards this urgent matter.

Dennis.


I decide to yank his chain a bit and make him explain himself better:

From: Dick Payne

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I am confused as to what you are trying to tell me. Are you saying that you were unable to get the death certificate? Or that you were able to pay the $1200 and did get the certificate? I just want to have a clear understanding of what you are telling me.

It was a long night on the station, and I didn't get much sleep. We had an oxygen leak and my fellow cosmonaut Profiri Yebenov and I were fixing it. I'm going to get some sleep now, and I await your reply.

Maj. Payne]


He explains himself better:

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

How are you doing?

What I am trying to explain to is that I have secure the death certificate of late Mr. mark Wallace from the high court with the money I have with me, but we need the sum of $1,200 dollars in order to secure the affidavit of claim in your name as the rightful beneficiary of this fund.

Hope to hear from you soonest regards this matter.

Thanks,
Dennis.


Ohhhhhhhh…….I understand now, mugu.

From: Dick Payne

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I understand now. Give me a day or two and let me see if I can work something out for you.

Maj. Payne

His reply:

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

I appreciates your effort toward this urgent matter regards the documents from the high court of justice Accra Ghana I will be looking to forward to hear from you as you said.

Dennis.


At this point I decided to bring in my lawyer even if Osei Dennis didn’t want me to. I introduce you to Benjamin Matlock.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dear Mr. Dennis,

My name is Benjamin Matlock, and I am the attorney representing Major Dick Payne, who is currently onboard the International Space Station. Major Payne has sent me a detailed e-mail outlining the business dealing he is currently conducting with you. I understand that at the moment there is an issue in regards to a fee to release some court documents to you. Please explain that further to me, and any proposals that you have to resolve the issue.

Major Payne will continue to contact you directly through e-mail, and I will be the one to conduct any dealings on his behalf here on Earth. This dealing will remain strictly confidential. If such a deal was to be revealed publicly, it would ruin Major Payne's career with NASA.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Sincerely,

Ben Matlock
Attorney-at-Law


Osei Dennis replies to Matlock with the whole spill.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Benjamin Matlock,

Sir,

Having receive your mail on behalf of major dick Payne I gland to inform you that this transaction strictly confidential so you don’t have to disclose it to any person or group of persons until you are instruct to do so. Major dick has told me about you.

Sir, right now major dick have ask by zenith trust bank Accra Ghana where this fund is be deposited to provide two documents proving that is the rightful beneficiary to late Mr. mark Wallace. In regards to this issue I have gone to the high court of justice Accra Ghana to seeking for these documents on behalf of major dick but I was enable to secure the death certificate of late Mr. mark Wallace, left with affidavits of claim which the court made to understand it attract a fee of $1,200 dollars in order to get this documents from high court of justice.

Sir, we need to provide this document to bank so that this fund could be transfer into major dick nominated account immediately, all major dick require to do is send the money so that I can secure this document urgently.

For further details you need feel free to contact me on telephone number +233 243 708 205 waiting to receive your call.

Regards,
Dennis.


Osei Dennis then fires off an e-mail to Major Payne, reminding him yet once again about the $1,200 fee.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

I just receive email from your attorney Benjamin Matlock whom I have explain every details regards this transfer to him major make every agreement with your attorney to see that this fee of $1,200 dollars is be send down here so that I can secure this affidavits of claim in your name to enable the bank release this fund into your account immediately. Like I told you early I have secure death certificates left only affidavits of claim which will bear your name as rightful beneficiary to late Mr. mark Wallace which high court are demanded for this fee before it can issue to you.

Waiting to receive your mail regards these urgent matters.

Thanks,
Dennis.


This is the point I decide to start having a little fun with Osei Dennis. In this e-mail, I have Matlock drop the hint that the astronauts onboard the station are starting to go a little insane. I also try to get some ID from Dennis, which will soon become a topic that will piss off Matlock.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I understand that you require $1,200 in order to obtain the affidavit from the High Court of Justice. I am awaiting instruction from Major Payne on when and how he desires me to send the money. He is very busy at the moment however running the space station on his own. His fellow cosmonaut, Capt. Profiri Yebenov, is getting a touch of the space madness and is very ill leaving Maj. Payne to do all of the work.

For my own files, I would like to request a scan of the death certificate for Mr. Wallace, as well as some identification of yourself. Please understand that I do trust you; this request is for legal reasons only.

I will let you know when I hear from Maj. Payne.


Osei Dennis wants Matlock to call him, which I do not want to do.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Benjamin Matlock,

I receive your mail, I am waiting to hear from as soon as you have instruct by major dick on what to do regards the documents from high court of justice Accra Ghana.

Mr. Benjamin waiting to receive your call soonest regards these matters.

Sincerely yours,

Dennis.


This is the e-mail where we see the first signs of insanity in Major Payne. He commits murder but Osei Dennis does not seem to notice.

From: Dick Payne

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I see that my lawyer, Mr. Benjamin Matlock, has contacted you. I know that you wanted to keep this dealing between us, but I am unable to do any transactions on Earth from here, so I it was required that I contact Mr. Matlock. He is a man to be trusted; he is an old friend of mine and has been a lawyer for over 30 years.

As far as the money goes, do not worry. Mr. Matlock will be sending it to you shortly.

It has been real busy for me here on the space station. My cosmonaut friend, Capt. Yebenov, has been suffering from the space madness and tried to kill me. I was forced to stick him into the airlock and release him out into space. He had no spacesuit on so his head exploded like a cherry bomb. It was very disturbing to see. So that leaves me running the whole station by myself, and that is no easy task. I am starting to feel the strain of it all, too, so I hope that I don't come down with the madness either.

I would like to write more but I have to go. These damn space possums keep eating through the insulation on the outside of the station, and I have to go out there and shoo them away. Take care, friend, and we will both soon be rich.

Your spacey pal,

Maj. Dick[/QUOTE]


Major Payne has approved the transfer of the $1,200. I try again to get some ID and documents out of Osei Dennis, but the guy doesn’t want to budge on that matter.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Mr. Dennis,

I have been instructed by Major Payne to send you the $1200 by direct transfer to your account. In order to do that, I will need to know which account you would like it sent to. However, for legal reasons I must have some sort of identification from you before I can release those funds. You have also stated that you have the death certificate for Mr. Wallace. As I sign of good faith I believe you should provide us with a scan or faxed copy of that document. Major Payne is eager to conclude this transaction, so if you can do these things we can proceed quickly.


As I expected Osei Dennis doesn’t want a direct account-to-account transfer of the money, and wants Western Union. He drops a line to Major Payne.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

I receive your mail and am well noted, I have communicated with Mr. Benjamin your lawyer twice and he is trustworthy person.

Major you have to instruct Mr. Benjamin to send the money in order to foster the securing of the affidavit of claim in your name so that we can finalize this transfer with bank.

Also take care of your self over there I believe in no distance time we will be a millions and go into a joint venture with you in your country.

Instruct Mr. Benjamin to send the money through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER to MR.AWESON DANNY ACCRA-GHANA and send me the information this will enable me secure this documents urgently.

Hope to hear from you as you instruct Mr. Benjamin.

Thanks for your cooperation.
Dennis.


He then sends an e-mail to Matlock. He still doesn’t want to send any documents or ID.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Mr. Benjamin,

Sir,

I receive your mail and also receive email from major dick regards this documents from high of justice.

In order foster this documents from the court I made major to understand that it is better to send the money through WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER to MR.AWESON DANNY Accra-Ghana this will enable me secure this document from the court in next 48 hours upon the receipt of this money.

Regards the death certificate of late Mr. Mark Wallace I will send it along with the affidavit of claim.

Waiting to hear from you soonest as you get in touch with major dick regards this urgent matter.

Sincerely yours,
Dennis.


Damn it! I want some ID. Time for Matlock to slap a mugu.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Mr. Dennis,

Major Payne has forwarded me your e-mail regarding the Western Union transfer. All is understood on my end, but you seem to misunderstand something on your end.

Right now, I have $1,200 US dollars in my office safe, withdrawn from Major Payne's account. I am responsible for that money. I value Major Payne's friendship very much. I cannot release those funds withot seeing some sort of identification from you. Please understand that in the state of Texas I cannot transfer funds to a second party without first verifying their identification. It is the law here. Second, the interests of Mr. Payne are my top priority. I will not release the funds without first seeing the death certificate and identification from you.

The only thing from making you a very rich man right now are scans of two documents. Please do not be a little boy about this. I require those scans urgently.

Sincerely,

Benjamin Matlock
Attorney-at-Law


Osei Dennis isn’t happy about Matlock being stubborn, so he tattles on him to Major Payne. Also, the dumb mugu doesn’t realize Capt. Yebenov is dead.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major Dick,

I receive mail from Mr, Benjamin urging me to send the death certificate of late Mr. Mark Wallace which I made him to understand that I will send along with the affidavit of claim as soon as it has been issued from the high court of justice. You can bear with me that only thing holding this fund now is just for you to prove to the bank that you rightful beneficiary to late Mr. mark Wallace by sending these required documents from you.

Major instruct Mr. Benjamin to send the money so that we can secure the affidavit of claim and I will send two documents to you in order for you to forward the documents to the bank for urgent release of this fund into your nominate account.

Also major I want you let Mr. Benjamin to understand there is understanding and trust between both of us, instruct him to send the money so that we can finalize this transfer with the bank. I understand you are not on earth but I here to protect you interest here in Ghana regard all the required documents that concern this transfer.

How is your friend captain yebenov hope he is getting better now regards his health.

Waiting to hear from you soonest as you instruct Mr. Benjamin.

Thanks,
Dennis.


Now Osei Dennis thinks an e-mail from Zenith Bank to Major Payne will speed up the transfer of the $1,200 a little.

From: Zenith Trust Bank

Dear Major Dick,

Sir,

We the management of Zenith Trust Bank are still waiting to receive the necessary documents required from you regards your kinship to late Mr. mark Wallace upon the receipt these documents your fund will be effected into your nominated bank account you wished.

Sincerely yours,

Dr.Paul William


Osei Dennis still doesn’t want to send his ID. This will get Matlock upset. He also wants me to call him. Sorry, pal. If you aren’t going to send me some ID, I’m sure as hell not going to call you..

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Mr. Benjamin,

Sir,

I receive your mail and I well understand you but first I want you to understand that I will send my identification along side with these document as soon as it has been issued from the high court of justice also I have email major dick regards this.

You have to understand that the only way this kinship fund could be transfer to major dick nominated account is by provided these required document from the zenith trust bank plc Accra Ghana.

I can never involve major dick in any thing that will go against the law of your country or mine I have my name to protected. Call me for understanding.

Waiting to hear from you soonest.

Sincerely yours,
Dennis.


Major Payne is really starting to lose it, and sends this random e-mail to Osei Dennis.

From: Dick Payne

Hey Dennis,

Since I am very lonely here on the station after the unfortunate death of Capt. Yebenov, I've started to write poetry. This is my first attempt. What do you think about it?

Just the good ol' boys,
Never meanin' no harm,
Beats all you've ever saw, been in trouble
With the law since the day they was born.

Straightnin' the curve,
Flatnin' the hills.
Someday the mountain might get 'em,
But the law never will.

Makin' their way,
The only way they know how,
That's just a little bit more
Than the law will allow.

Just good ol' boys,
Wouldn't change if they could,
Fightin' the system like
a true modern day Robin Hood.

You like Dick


Meanwhile, Matlock slaps the mugu again for not sending ID.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I do not understand why you cannot provide me with a simple form of identification before I send the $1200. Would you send money to someone that you have never even seen a photo of, and may not be who they say they are? Please understand that I trust you, but I cannot send the funds without first seeing identification. That is the law in the state of Texas. Neither of us have a choice in this matter.

I do not see a point in calling you. It costs a lot of money to call Africa. E-mailing each other costs nothing. There is no point is wasting Maj. Payne's money.

If you get a response from Maj. Payne to your e-mail, please let me know what he said. He seems to be suffering from the space madness terribly now, and his last e-mail to me seemed to make little sense. I am quite worried about him.

Sincerely,

Benjamin Matlock
Attorney-at-Law

Osei Dennis is still not happy with Matlock, and again tattles to Major Payne. He also has finally realized Capt. Yebenov has suffered an “unformatted” death.

Dear Major Dick,

I am very sorry for unformatted death of your friend captain yebenov it is very painful America have lost a great man but take it that it is god give and take and be your self till you are back on earth. Your poem is very nice.

Major we have little problem regards our transaction Mr. Benjamin want me to send my indemnification before he will send the money for affidavits of claim. Major time is not our side please instructs him to send the money so that by Monday I can secure this document and forward it to you in order to finalized this transfer with bank.

Hope to hear from you soonest.

Dennis.

Major Payne is slowly descending into madness, but manages to comprehend Osei Dennis’ e-mail.

From: Dick Payne

What's up Dennis???

I'll talk with Matlock and see what is going on and get back to you soon.

In the meantime, here is another poem:

I'm just a bill.
Yes, I'm only a bill.
And I'm sitting here on Capitol Hill.
Well, it's a long, long journey
To the capital city.
It's a long, long wait
While I'm sitting in committee,
But I know I'll be a law someday
At least I hope and pray that I will,
But today I am still just a bill.

Have a super weekend. I know I will. Weeeee!

You lick Dick


Yet once again Matlock is up for a mugu slap.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dear Mr. Dennis,

Maj. Payne has sent me an e-mail. Most of it was his damn poetry that he has been writing ever since he got the space madness, but he did tell me that you e-mailed him about the identification.

Now listen, I cannot be any more clear on this. I live in the state of Texas. It is the law in Texas that if I am sending money through Western Union on behalf of one person to another, I need some identification of both people. I have a copy of Maj. Payne's identification. All that I need now is a scan or fax of some sort of identification from you. Otherwise, the Western Union office here will not let me send the money.

If I could send you the money without identification, I would. But I cannot. It is the law, and I do not want to break the law. Stop being a little boy about this.

Now, please send me a scan or fax copy of a photo ID in order for me to legally send you funds.


Major Payne sends a message to Osei Dennis that everything is good with Matlock.

From: Dick Payne

Yo yo what's up Dennis???

I talked to Ben and he has everything sorted out. Listen, I know he can be a real hard-ass sometimes but he is a good lawyer and knows his stuff. I think it would be best to listen and follow his instructions. Anyway, if you have any more problems, tell me and I'll fix things up, okay???

We knew the world would not be the same. A few people laughed, a few people cried, most people were silent. I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad-Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and to impress him takes on his multi-armed form and says, 'Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.' I suppose we all thought that, one way or another.

Talk to you later dude.

You eat Dick


By this time Major Payne is a bumbling mess of insanity, and starts sending b.s. e-mails to Osei Dennis.

From: Dick Payne

I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

I'm Henry the eighth I am
Henry the eighth I am, I am
I got married to the widow next door
She's been married seven times before
And every one was an Henry (Henry)
She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam (no Sam)
I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry
Henry the eighth I am

H-E-N-R-Y
Henry (Henry)
Henry (Henry)
Henry the eighth I am, I am
Henry the eighth I am


FINALLY! Osei Dennis sends some ID. A real crappy passport.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Mr. Benjamin,

Sir,

Here is my identification as you demanded please go ahead and send the money in order to secure the affidavit of claim on behalf of major dick to finalize this transfer with the bank.

Sincerely yours,
Dennis.

PASSPORT: http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d65/beauclaghorn/crappypassport.jpg


After sending Matlock the passport, Osei Dennis sends a message to Major Payne. He is starting to seem concerned about the Major.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major,

I have sent my identification to Mr. Benjamin as he demanded so what I require from you is instruct him to send the money in order to secure this affidavit of claim in your name to finalize this transfer with the bank immediately.

Regards your friend late captain yebenov please you just have to take easy and committee every thing to hands of almighty god who is the creator of haven and earth. He will guide and keep you strong over there I will always put you in prayers.

Hope to receive your mail soonest.

Dennis.


Matlock is now a happy camper.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dennis,

Thank you for sending me a copy of your passport. Now that I have copies of both Maj. Payne's and your identification, I will be able to send the money to you via Western Union in the morning. I will send you an e-mail with all of the details so you will be able to pick the money up. I expect that you will be able to quickly secure the affidavit and send it as well as the death certificate to me.

Benjamin Matlock
Attorney-at-Law


Response from Osei Dennis.

From: Osei Dennis

Sir,

I receive your mail, I am waiting to receive your response regards the money so that I can secure the affidavit of claim in major dick name and send it to you immediately for urgent release of this fund by the bank to major dick nominate account.

Send the money to MR.AWESON DANNY Accra Ghana

Sincerely yours,
Dennis.

Meanwhile, Major Payne sends a message to Osei Dennis written in binary code.

From: Dick Payne

0100110101110010001011100010000001000100011001010110111001101
110011010010111001100101100010110010110111101110101001000000110000101110
01001001001000000110000100100000011100110111010
0111011101010010000001100001011011101100100001000000110000100100000011
01110111 and it goes on and on like this for about two pages.


Matlock has “sent” the money through Western Union.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Mr. Dennis,

I have sent the money via Western Union via special secure transfer and is now ready for Mr. Danny to pick up. The details are as follows:

Amount sent is $1,200 United States dollars
Sent to Mr. Aweson Danny
Accra, Ghana
MTCN 7390291610
Security question: Who are you?
Question answer: Henry the Eighth I am, I am

Please confirm with me by e-mail once the money has been collected. I expect the affidavit to be sent promptly.

Thank you,

Benjamin Matlock


Oh no! There seems to be a problem with the money. Who could have guessed?

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Mr. Benjamin,

Sir,

Mr.Aweson Danny could not pick up this money for the affidavit of claim he was made to understand that the MTCN number was not found in their system please go back from where you send this money to verify and send to me the proper information so that we can secure this document.

Waiting for your reconfirmation of the western union transfer MTCN number from you.

Sincerely yours,
Dennis.


Never fear, Dennis. Matlock is on the case, and he also screwed over Major Payne. The bastard!

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dear Mr. Dennis,

I have contacted Western Union and the details that I gave you were correct. They told me that over the weekend that there were problems were their transfer lines to Europe and Africa, and that the money should be there now. I suggest Mr. Danny pay you local WU office and collect the money.

I also have very distressing news about Major Payne. It seems that the space madness has completely taken over his mind. The doctors at NASA have declared him to be insane and will be launching a mission to return him to Earth within the next few days. I guess the death of Capt. Yebenov and the solitude of space drove him to madness.

I would like to step in and take Maj. Payne's place in this business transaction that he has been conducting with you. I took the liberty of withdrawing all of Major Payne's money from his accounts, and I now have $7.5 million U.S. dollars at my disposal. I am willing to travel to Africa soon and finish the deal in person. Let me know what you think.


Meanwhile, in orbit, Major Payne is still bonkers and sends this to Osei Dennis.

From: Dick Payne

Remember when you ran away
And I got on my knees
And begged you not to leave
Because I'd go berserk?
Well. . .

You left me anyhow
And then the days got worse and worse
And now you see I've gone
Completely out of my mind
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

You thought it was a joke
And so you laughed
You laughed when I had said
That losing you would make me flip my lid
Right. . .

You know you laughed, I heard you laugh
You laughed, you laughed and laughed
And then you left
But now you know I'm utterly mad!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

I cooked your food
I cleaned your house
And this is how you pay me back
For all my kind, unselfish loving deeds?!!
Hah. . .

Well you just wait
They'll find you yet
And when they do they'll
Put you in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!
And. . .

They're coming to take me away, HA HA
They're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HA
To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

To the happy home
With trees and flowers and chirping birds
And basket weavers who sit and smile
And twiddle their thumbs and toes
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!

To the funny farm
Where life is beautiful all the time
And I'll be happy to see
Those nice, young men
In their clean, white coats
And they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!


Uh oh. It looks like Osei Dennis is not happy.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Mr. Benjamin,

Sir,

I am not happy with development Mr. aweson Danny could not receive this money for the second time he was made to understand by the bank that the MTCN number can not be found in the system I suggest go to where you from send this money and find out what is really happening.

As soon as you verify this problem please kindly send the sender name and the MTCN number.

Mr. Benjamin sends to me your contact telephone number for easily communication regards this transaction.

In respect of you taking over major dick in this transaction first we need to secure this affidavit of claim either in your name or major dick.

Dennis


The lying, cheating bastard Matlock has really screwed poor Major Payne.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Mr. Dennis,

You may consider Maj. Payne out of the deal. He has gone totally insane and upon his return to Earth in a few days will be locked away at Area 51 for the rest of his life. There is no hope for him. I have cleaned out his bank accounts for a total of 7.5 million U.S. dollars, stolen his sexy wife, taken his sports car, and burned down his house. I am now going to retire and move to Europe. I may become a gigolo once I get there; I haven't decided yet. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Benjamin Matlock
Attorney-at-Law


Matlock also sends a scan of the Western Union receipt. Really, I sent an image of the bathing lady.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Mr. Dennis,

Here is a scan of the Western Union form I completed that clearly shows the MTCN number. I hope now that the little boy Danny can collect the money.

Sincerely,

Benjamin Matlock
Attorney-at-Law

ATTACHMENT: Bathing Lady


Osei Dennis is pretty pissed off at this point, and makes an appeal to Major Payne.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Major,

How are you, major when are you coming back on earth regards our transfer with the bank I am sick and tried of you Mr. Benjamin this is last email he sent to me below I don’t understand what is going on major please could you explain to me.

Dennis.


Major Payne responds to Osei Dennis in Morse code.

From: Dick Payne

-.-- --- ..- / .- .-. . / - .... . / -.. ..- -- -... . ... - / ..-. ..- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / -- ..- --. ..- / .. -. / .- .-.. .-.. / --- ..-. / .- ..-. .-. .. -.-. .- .-.-.-


This is the last e-mail I received from Osei Dennis.

From: Osei Dennis

Dear Benjamin,

Can you see that you are the one in sense do think that this transaction is just for fun I will get across your email to major dick and secondly I will also delete your contact as well.

Dennis.


But Matlock isn’t through with him yet. He makes an offer he thinks Osei Dennis cannot refuse.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Dennis,

I have decided to move to Europe and become a rich gigolo. How would you like to move there with me? I could use you for the bestiality calls. There are plenty of lonley goats in Europe that could use some man-action. You could make a lot of money man-whoring for me and fucking goats. What do you say??

Benny Matlock
Super Pimp


And one more insult for good measure.

From: Benjamin Matlock

Hey dumbass,

Do you think your mother would want to move to Europe and work for me as a whore? I think I may be able to get a few shillings in London for her. I bet she shags like a minx. There must be a lot of satisfied goats in Ghana thanks your mother!

Matlock - Super Pimp


And so concludes this bait. If you would like to send some goat porn to Osei, his e-mail is [email protected]

_________________
"It's a joke, son!" - Senator Beauregard Claghorn
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Jon G
Account closed at users request


Joined: 21 Dec 2005
Posts: 35
Location: Madam Suartes All Night Internet Café, Lagos Nigeria


PostPosted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 9:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Darn you... my sides hurt and I spit Scotch all over my keyboard.

Poor Major Payne.

This was quite funny, direct and effective!

@ thumbs up Sir

_________________
DEAR SWEETHEART,
WHAT IS GOING ON I AM NOW DISAPOINTED IN ALL THIS SHIT, PLS GO TO THE LOCATION AND WITHDRAWAL UR MONEY IF THE MONEY WAS REALLY SENT IT SHOULD BE "FUND NOT YET PICKED" NOT ALL THIS RUBBISH, PLS I HOPE ON U FOR THIS HELP SO BADLY, HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN, BYE FOR NOW.
JANET
-
The luve I have for you is reel and truse I sinserely say to you my dear, plese Western Union too send moneys and we will being to gether - xoxo--Linda
-
I WANT YOU TO CALL ME TODAY. IT IS IMPORTANT. THIS IS MY NUMBER +22508410434
YOURS SINCERELY
DR. D. GOBA
View user's profileSend private message
fcs
Hello I'm New here!


Joined: 06 Jan 2006
Posts: 10
Location: metallic trunk


PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 2:19 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Tommy likey, Tommy want wingy.

"the space modality" good stuff.

_________________
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HNBC
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 22 Jan 2006
Posts: 35
Location: Melbourne, Australia


PostPosted: Fri Feb 03, 2006 7:16 am Reply with quoteBack to top

All that worried me now is that you are not on earth now LOL Laughing

HNBC
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