Sid and Sarah

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Posted: Sun Mar 21, 2004 8:09 pm

Five weeks ago Sid Greenstreet was approached by Sarah Rowland ([email protected]). Poor thing has esophageal cancer. Knowing that her demise is approaching, she wanted Sid to take over her wealth and apply it to Christian charities.

Sid wasn't in the mood for Christians that day so he sent Miss Sarah to read Exodus 20:15-16. After reading these two important verses, Sarah still wanted Sid's help. This time Sid agreed, but not before providing Sarah with this rare autobiography. (Apologies to Mike Myers)

Quote:

Sarah,

Thank you so much for your personal testimony of the work our Lord Jesus Christ has done in your life. And now, more about me.

My father was a relentlessly self improving boulongerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise only the genius possess and the insane lament.

My childhood was typical: Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles.

But alas, I could no longer endure my father�s beatings. So at the age of 16, I ran away from home. The only work I could find was working for a circus. I worked as a roustabout moving equipment, setting up tents and cleaning the animal stalls. It was hard work and I almost never had a day off.

I befriended a clown named Ernie. He was loads of fun and always had beer in his trailer. So I would come around after my shift to drink beer and play cards. One night I dropped by Ernie�s trailer but he wasn�t there. I looked around, and found Ernie making love to a large dog that he had trained as a part of his act.

I was crushed. I couldn�t believe that Ernie could do such a despicable thing.

Later, Ernie told me that dogs crave that kind of attention. And that he did it only because it was a special reward for his animals when they performed well in the circus. I didn�t believe him. I worked most of that night, loading equipment for the circus� next move. The trucks were all loaded by sunrise and I had several hours off.

I still felt rotten for the way that Ernie was behaving, so I decided that I would walk downtown to buy some beer and get very drunk. I didn�t realize that this day was Sunday and that there were no bars or stores open that would sell me beer. I walked for several miles, and when I realized that I couldn�t get a beer, I just sat down on the sidewalk and began to cry.

A few minutes later, a man walked by who wanted to know why I was crying. I told him the whole story except for the part about Vilma. He had a worried look on his face, but he said �You come with me!� Having nothing better to do, I followed him across the street to church. We sat down in the church as the choir began singing their heavenly songs.

A few minute later, a preacher read from the Bible. That day�s scripture was John 3:16. If you don�t know this famous verse, please stop reading now and go read it. The preacher then gave his message about the love of God, and for the first time in my life, I felt loved. Right then I knelt down and prayed to the Lord to forgive me all my sins and I invited the Lord Jesus Christ into my heart.

I never returned to the circus. In fact, I didn�t even return to pick up my few clothes and possessions. I�ve been here in Toledo, Ohio for the last 15 years sharing the good news about Jesus Christ to anyone who will listen. I am now an ordained evangelist, and I take this God-given work very seriously.

Sarah, I am always interested in helping other Christians to get what they deserve. Please tell me more about this transaction, and how I may be of service.

Yours in the saviour,

---------------

Sid Greenstreet

This bait went on for another four weeks and 26 messages. Sarah refused to provide a trophy photo and after two trips to Western Union she quit writing.

Has anyone else baited Miss Sarah?