Oy, Vey! The Jewish Widow and the Mugu

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Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

Ah, it's my first bait, so be gentle and perhaps the veterans can guide me as we go.

I got an email from the marvelous German lottery, who I'm sure wants to make reparations for that nasty Holocaust business.

First, the protagonist of our little tale. I introduce to you:

Mrs. Emma Dyke: Mrs. Dyke is 66 years old, living in Northridge, California. She's a Jewish widow who kvetches constantly about her health problems and likes to pepper her emails with snatches of Yiddish, as she was born in Palestine (now Israel) and moved to this country in 1952. Was married to a Gentile and has a son, Moshe, who calls himself Bull. Emma is also somewhat senile, which should make this interesting.

Second, we have the Mugu:

Mr. Walters Richardson: Claims representative, claiming to represent the Bogus German Lottery. Blah, blah.

Mr. Joseph Goebbels: Mrs. Dyke's attorney, partner at the prestigious Himmler, Goebbels and Riefenstahl law firm.

To be appearing later in our tale, hopefully we will have:

Moshe "Bull" Dyke: The 35-year old son of Mrs. Dyke and her deceased husband. Moshe is brilliant, but a bit hot-tempered, and belongs to a Jewish paramilitary group called Haganah (a group that really operated in Palestine during the British occupation). Moshe is married to a shiksa (a non-Jew) and anything or anyone he doesn't like is automatically part of a "neo-Nazi conspiracy."

Tovah Greenberg: Representative of the Yad Vashem Holocaust Reparation Society. Ms. Greenberg is delighted to see that those lovely German folks at Suddeustche Klassenlotterie are willing to pay Mrs. Dyke so much in reparations.

Now for the obligatory spam:

Quote:

S�ddeutsche Klassenlotterie
SKL-Meierebert, Textorstrasse,6059
Frankfurt am Main, Fon
Germany.

Ref: EAASL/941OYI/02/STXN
Batch: 12/25/0034

We are pleased to inform you of the result of the S�ddeutsche
Klassenlotterie program. Your Email address attached to ticket number
025-11464992-750 with serial number 2113-05 drew the lucky numbers
4-18-24-30-31-35 which consequently won the lottery in the 1st category.

You have therefore been approved for a lump sum payout of �1,000,000.00
(One Million Euros) in cash credited to file EAASL/941OYI/02/STXN.
This is from a total cash prize of �50 Million Euros shared amongst the
first fifty (50) lucky winners in this category. All participants were
selected through a computer ballot system drawn from 25,000 names and
email addresses from all continent of the world as part of our
international promotions program which we conduct twice every year.

This year Lottery Program Jackpot is the largest ever for S�ddeutsche
Klassenlotterie . The estimated �50 million jackpot would be the
sixth-biggest in Europe history. The biggest was the �363 million jackpot that
went to two winners in a Febuary 2000 drawing of The Big Game Mega
Millions' predecessor.

Your fund is now deposited in an offshore bank insured in your name.
Due to the mix up of some numbers and names, we advice that you keep this
award from public notice until your claim has been processed and your
money remitted to your nominated bank account as this is part of our
security protocol to avoid double claiming or unwarranted taking advantage
of this program by the general public.

Please note that your lucky winning number falls within our European
booklet representative office in Europe as indicated. In view of this,
your �1,000,000.00 (One Million Euro) would be released to you by our
affiliate bank in Europe. Our agent will immediately commence the process
to facilitate the release of your funds to you as soon as you make
contact with him.

To begin your claim please contact your claims agent:

Mr.Walters Richardson
Foreign Services Manager,Payment and Release Order Dept.
De la rue Sistemas Inform�ticos GMBH Co.
Phone: +44-703-190-9501
Fax: +44-870-478-4369
Email: [email protected]

Your claims agent will assist you in the processing and remittance of
your prize funds into your designated bank account.

Note that all prize funds must be claimed not later than One month.
After this date all funds will be returned to the LOTTERY TREASURY as
unclaimed. In order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, please
endeavor to quote your Reference (EAASL/941OYI/02/STXN) and Batch
numbers (12/25/0034) in every correspondence with your agent. Furthermore,
should there be any change in your address, do inform your claims agent
as soon as possible.

Congratulations once again from all members of our staff and thanks for
being part of our promotions program.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs.Violleta Kclose.
Promotions Manager
S�ddeutsche Klassenlotterie.

Mrs. Dyke, feeling extremely woozy and verkempft at the horrible heat, is overwhelmed by this letter.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Richardson

What a strange email I just got in my mail today. I was sitting at home feeling terribly verkempft from all this heat and terribly lonely because my son Moshe never calls me, and all of a sudden I get this lovely surprise from you.

Did I really win a lottery? Oh, dear, I know I play the California Mega-Millions, and Super Lotto Plus and my own synagogue's Judenrat PowerBall, but I don't remember anything about an email lottery. Somehow I must have entered.

Is the name of your lottery German? It sure sounds German. Now usually I don't trust those people after they shafted us over the matter of our Warsaw Ghetto accommodations all those years ago, and then they managed to appropriate some funds that didn't belong to them, but I'm sure things are very different now in Germany. How nice of them to offer me so much money. My son Moshe will be very pleased. That shiksa wife of his is always taking most of his paycheck and he never has any money of his own to pursue his hobbies. He's a very active boy in his club.

Now I'm supposed to give you some numbers. I'm terribly bad with numbers. It's my 3rd grade education, you see, and then I've got cataracts in one eye and the other, it's glass, but I think I have it right: Reference (fake number) and Batch
number (totally fake number).

Sincerely,
Mrs. Emma Dyke

So as not to give offense, many of the details are mangled from my own family history. Mrs. Dyke's zip code belongs to California State University, Northridge. Those poor folks at the university don't know what's coming.

Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 10:27 pm

Nice opener.

You are of course aware of the "suggested guideline" that one NOT involve real third party folks in our baits right? Use Cal State Northridge's zip, but don't give them any real addresses... that way everyone gets to bait safe.

I'm a little scared that your "son" Moshe might turn out to be a surprise... especially given a name like Bull Dyke.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

Any mail will be routed to a non-existent part of the campus, which I know well since I used to work there. Of course, Mrs. Dyke is forgetful and can't remember her own address, which is actually next door to the campus.

91330 is CSUN's zip and none other, but there are thousands of places a mail could actually go; any DHS or FedEx would get stuck in mail limbo FOREVER.

Not to worry about Moshe. He belongs to the Jewish paramilitary group Haganah, and they see a Nazi conspiracy in everything.

Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 4:00 am

Good start. Keep us posted!

Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 9:09 am

I wish Mrs Dyke a long life Smile

Posted: Sun Jul 24, 2005 2:22 pm

A senile Jewish grandmother! I love it! Mavel Tov! Laughing

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

Am still trying to get my mugu to bite. The first one bounced, so we're trying a new mugu. And what do you know? A fake German lottery for a Holocaust survivor! What poetic justice is that?!

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

Okay, the dumb mugu bit:

Quote:

Ref: Fake Number
Batch No: Totally Fake Number

Dear Winner,

I am Mr Walters Richardson, the fiduciary agent assigned to your case to help you in the claims process of your funds. I wish to congratulate you and to say you are a lucky person to have won this lottery. All the winners in the Lottery were selected randomly through a computer ballot system from Email addresses and Names from the World Wide Web.

You are required to fill the attached form to facilitate the processing of your claims and certificate which will lead to the payment of your prize to you as required. You are also to send a copy of your International Passport or Drivers License along with the filled form. If you do not have any of these, you can send your National Identity Card or any other form of Identification.

You are to choose only One (1) from the Three (3) given options on how to claim your prize. For any option you choose, you are to fill in the necessary information for the option you choose.

1. You go to our paying agent to collect your prize of �1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) in cash.

2. Transfer of your funds to your local bank account by Telegraphic Bank transfer and your funds will be in your account within 48 hours.

3. You employ the services of our affiliate courier company to courier your Award Certificate and Certified Bank Cheque to you. (5 -14 Days)

If you choose option 2 or 3, you will be totally responsible for the Telegraphic Bank Transfer Charges OR Courier Charges. When we receive your Filled Form, we will send you more information about any option you choose.

Note that your funds have been insured and no deductions of any kind can be made on your funds.

You are to send your Filled Form and Identification by fax or as an email attachment.Once again I say congratulations and hope to hear from you soon.

Yours faithfully,
Mr.Walters Richardson.
Foreign Services Manager,Payment and Release Order Dept.
De La Rue Sistemas Inform�ticos GmbH & Co.
Phone: +44-703-190-9501
Fax: +44-870-478-4369

And now for Mrs. Dyke's response.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Waters Richardson:

How nice to hear from you. I am certainly looking forward to receiving my reparation money from those lovely Deutsche shysters.

You'll have to pardon a senile old widow, but I can't seem to find my CA driver's license; I think it expired sometime back in 1999. I've never been anywhere out of the country, so I don't have a passport and I don't think you'd accept my Blockbuster membership card. We don't have National IDs here in America because that extremely liberal-minded, intelligent man we have as President thinks making people carry one would be unConstitutional.

I've tried clicking that little file you sent, but I don't see how I can fill it in and send it. When I try to type anything I get this funny looking little hand. I really do want to send the information, but I don't see how. My live-in nurse Rifka says I should just print, fill it out and scan it, but she's so meshugah I don't listen to her. Everybody knows you can get gonad cancer from using scanners and fax machines, and brain cancer from phones. No wonder my shiksa daughter-in-law is so stupid, she always has her ear plastered to her cell phone.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Emma Dyke

Gee, what do you seasoned mugu-baiters think? How can I keep this lad going and still mess with his head?

Posted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 11:54 pm

I'm just wondering when your going to include "Kush meer in toches"(kiss my ass) in your emails.

Zay gezunt (stay healthy)

Edit: translations for non jews

Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 12:26 am

Remember some lads cannot read or understand what we write. And certain cultural phrases, names, etc. are meaningless to them. That's why Seymour Butts can reply to a lad as a realistic character.

I have a twist on the 'contact the bank and send them a WU transfer' modality. I tell the main baiter that I called the bank directly and gave them all the account information. They are going to wire me the money and not charge a dime for it!

One lad nearly had a stroke in email and another sent a message "Thank you and God Bless". Rolling Eyes

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

Our mugu is extremely slow to catch on:

Quote:

Attn: Mrs. Emma Dyke

I am in response to your e-mail.
Your are to print the form,fill then send by fax or scan and send as an e-mail attachment.

We accept any form of identification as it is very necessary you send that along with your claims form

Note that without these documents we cannot proceed with the claim process of your winnings.

I await your swift response in this regard.

Yours faithfully,
Mr.Walters Richardson.

Now did we not just say that we had no idea how to do this? That we were a senile Jewish widow? How in the world are we to keep this mugu happy? Perhaps we should introduce Mrs. Dyke's lawyer?

Quote:

Dear Mr. Waters Richardson:

You poor misguided thing! Don't you know that scanners and fax machines can give you brain cancer? That's why I don't have either at home. I certainly hope that you don't use them very often. You'll be in the ground by the time you're forty if you do. It's true, I saw it on Oprah. That lady might be a schwartze, but she's very smart and rich.

Perhaps I should ask my lawyer to help you with the matter. He's such a nice, Harvard-educated boy and knows all these technical things. His name is Mr. Joseph Goebbels and I will ask him to contact you.

I've been meaning to ask you, do you know Miss Violletta Kclose? Is she a German lady? Do I get to meet her?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Emma Dyke

I think I shall have Mr. Goebbels, who shall henceforth be represented in violet, bewilder our poor mugu about the complexities of US law.

Quote:

Mr. Richardson:

I am writing on behalf of my client, the underrepresented Mrs. Emma Dyke of Northridge, CA. She informs me that she has recently won a German Internet lottery, but is having considerable difficulty providing the necessary identification.

As Mrs. Dyke is extremely shy about these matters, I should explain that my client is a recluse who has not left her home in some 20 years. She does not drive and does not have a passport. Her birth certificate was lost when the Germans liquidated the Sosnowiec ghetto in 1944. Her one form of identification, which is a special form of ID used exclusively by invalids, mental patients and members of the Bush family, is by United States law not recognized as a valid identification overseas. At this time, I have power of attorney over Mrs. Dyke's funds and she receives an allowance from the late Mr. Dyke's considerably generous estate.

Mrs. Dyke does still possess her citizenship papers, which were issued in 1955, though the photograph of her is not a current one.

As I am leaving the office for the weekend, I will not be able to get the form back to you until Monday. In the meantime, I will do my best to see some form of valid identification is provided.

Sincerely,
Mr. Joseph Goebbels, Esq.
Attorney-at-Law
Himmler, Goebbels and Reifenstahl

Okay, people, anybody know who can provide me with some real-looking fake documents?

Posted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 11:05 pm

Attach a word doc titled emma_dyke.doc. In the body post:

Quote:

-Attachment: emma_dyke.doc/MIME/BASE 64--
*Attachment removed by the Department of Homeland Security*

Under the US Homeland Security Act 2002 (section 4 subsection AF1138 paragraph 11-9) and the Electronic Communications Act 223 (section 7 subsection C14 paragraph 41-9), it is illegal for US citizens to send copies of their identification (whether passport or driver's license or any other form of identification) via the internet. This was enacted to prevent terrorists and other criminal elements from making false identification.

Add the DHS emblem (don't know how to post it here) and words like: "Document removed by the Department of Homeland Security", in big and bold font.

Although when you introduce a character such as a lawyer into the picture, lads tend to run. Ill be interested to see his reaction to Mr. Goebbels.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

Okay, I now have a really nifty--and convincing--DHS logo if anyone wants to borrow it. Will email the DHS-intercepted document to our lad and see what happens.

Mr. Goebbels, Esq. has just emailed a phony attachment to our lad.

Quote:

Mr. Richardson:

On the way home from work, I was able to visit my client, the underrepresented Mrs. Emma Dyke, and get her information and signature on your requested document.

As I have a scanner in my home, I am now sending you the information. I hope that this will be of some use to you. Mrs. Dyke also wishes me to send her regards and her wishes that the blessings of Cthulhu will rain down upon you on this Sabbath.

Yours truly,
Joseph Goebbels, Esq.
Attorney-at-Law
Himmler, Goebbels and Riefenstahl

What a crying shame the Department of Homeland Security isn't going to let our lad see the document.

Quite possibly someone is eventually going to have to go to...wherever this lad is based and send him on a safari to some Godforsaken hotel somewhere. Not yet, though. Let's keep this lad going for a while on the ID.

But it certainly looks like a job for the hot-tempered Moshe "Bull" Dyke and his trigger-happy friends from the Jewish splinter group Haganah. Oy, vey!

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

dlamour wrote:

Remember some lads cannot read or understand what we write. And certain cultural phrases, names, etc. are meaningless to them. That's why Seymour Butts can reply to a lad as a realistic character.

And this is precisely why it's so much fun play upon these lads' ignorance of English and/or Western culture. I mean, the attorney's name is that of an infamous Nazi propogandist, and Mrs. Dyke's emails are full of Yiddish and World War II references, as well as digs at American culture.

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 2:07 pm

This is the most fun I've had without having to buy a ticket!

My Mugu thinks that "Zeyda Layda-Shiksa" is a Hindu. Hahahahahahaha!
And he called me a "murder f___er". I think not knowing the difference between "murder" and "mother" can be a serious liability. Very Happy

For your benefit, let me explain that "Zeyda Layda-Shiksa" is a combination of English and Yiddish: Zeyda = grandfather (Yiddish), and Shiksa = any non-Jewish female (also Yiddish, mildly derogatory). The English word in the name is "laid."
Hindu???? Hahahahahahahaha!

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 5:57 pm

Quote:

And this is precisely why it's so much fun play upon these lads' ignorance of English and/or Western culture. I mean, the attorney's name is that of an infamous Nazi propogandist, and Mrs. Dyke's emails are full of Yiddish and World War II references, as well as digs at American culture.

Looks like more effort than its worth. I was doing similar to that in the beginning and found it took time to come up with ideas, find photos/data to support my persona. I was getting a laugh but in reality, I was spending too much of my time prepping for my responses. But if this comes naturally to you, bait on.

I now do word replacements for effect like switching office for orifice.
"Where's your orifice at?" Most lads read office and respond accordingly.

Not quite a Newb Joined: 23 Jul 2005 Posts: 24

I come from a Jewish household in which Yiddish words are used daily, so it's completely effortless. I also teach the Holocaust to my students, so the names and IDs are effortless, too.

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 6:14 pm

I like your creativity.

Posted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 6:35 pm

The trouble with Jewish humour is that you really have to be Jewish to appreciate it's nuances.

It brings back memories of relatives' long gone laughter so I love this modality.

Twisted Evil

The nebech (unfortunate person or perpetual victim) fights back. Twisted Evil

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