What we did in 2000.

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I guess this is the appropriate forum to tell of this. Its a long but funny story, one I never expected to tell like this.

In 2000 we had an extended run in with a pair of Nigerian lads over the bogus oil exploration license scam through National Petroleum Investment Management Services (NAPIMS)

We managed to string them along for a while and eventually got them completely hooked when we told them we were involved in mineral exploration (which we are in a round-about way). The ways and means of the documentation part of the scam are not really the point here, but read on.

We got them to go look for "oil bearing shale" by sending instructions about geological formations. In short they had to urinate into mud, on roads, etc and if there was oil present it would combine with the ammonia in urine to form "petropissulphate", a compound that could be easily detected by touch, smell and sight.

We told them that vehicles often drove over oil bearing shale and that they should urinate on the tyres of as many vehicles as possible and then scrape up and test the mud that washed off the tyres. For secrecy (to avoid having to share the find with the vehicle owner) a quick test could also be done by waiting till the vehicle leaves and then doing a petropissulphate test on the road itself. Best performed by urinating on the spot, stirring with a finger and then examining and smelling the road surface. Shiny rainbows coupled with a metallic oily smell are 100% positive test results. I wish we had photos but this was before cheap digital cams abounded.

After lots of encouraging results we asked if they could do a formal assay (test) for petropissulphate using a very expensive computer we would send them. This would determine the grade of the oil and if the grade was very high we would immediately send them US$100,000.00 to be taken to the Ministry of Solid Mineral Development (it really exists) to buy a license. We rang the MSMD to establish bona-fides for Mr. Manuel Ronaldo Swipings (manuel r swipings - try saying it fast), the contact name used with "our lads". We don't know if they rang MSMD but they were very keen.

Anyway, we sent them the computer. What... I hear you asking. Yes, we sent a very special one of a kind computer! Read on...

In place of the regular internals we fitted an electric fence energiser and lightly sprayed the casing with nickel-silver paint. Additionally we filled the casing with some used (but still usable) ni-cad batteries to help run the electric fence energiser. We cut a trough in the top of the computer and glued in place a small metal dish out of an old soldering station and a piezo buzzer element. These were also attached to the output of the fence energiser. To top it off we soldered two dozen low voltage electrolytic capacitors in parallel across the output of a relay, with it all controlled by very simple circuitry. It was all made from junk we had in the workshop and I have obviously not given all the technical details.

The instructions sort of said:

1. Connect power supply to properly grounded outlet but do not switch on.
2. Place computer on wooden table or chair (important must not be on ground or metal furniture).
3. Place dry material for testing in metal tray.
4. Switch on power and wait for 10 seconds.
5. Add fresh warm urine to dry sample (must be very warm)
6. Read display

But what happens is the 'computer' green led turns on with the power until the urine is detected on the piezo in the metal tray. The urine thus activates the electric fence energiser and the whole computer is 'alive' with approx 12000 volts, including anything touching the case or delivering the urine (hopefully the lad's dick). Thirty seconds after the energiser kicks in the relay connects the capacitor bank across the batteries and the caps start randomly exploding with the associated smoke and stink that only a burned out electrolytic capacitor can produce.

At this stage we hoped they would be panicing and try to remove the power or switch it off because every time they touch it they get zapped via the nickel-silver paint. With the wall power supply off the batteries keep the fence energiser alive until they run out. When we tested it the power lasted an amazing 104 hours (nearly five days)!

Before shipping we 'tested' the concept on the apprentice electronics technician using only two small capacitors and getting him to spit into the tray. It performed as expected and we still laugh like lunatics at the memory of him alternately yelling "Oh Sh*T, Oh F*ck" over and over as the petropissulphate machine shat itself, and as he tried to turn it off while getting zapped every time he touched it.

To get back on topic, we sent it to the NAPIMS lads and five days later they faxed us saying the machine was broken and had exploded. They were very upset that they couldn't use it to do the test and could we send another! We asked what happened and they said it had gone 'smokey' and that it was 'electricity charging people' so we knew it had worked. We told them to wait and two days later Mr. Manuel R. Swiping told them the machine was overloaded by an excess of petropissulphate and that this must mean the sample was of amazing purity. Mr Swiping informed them to immediately go to MSMD and lodge a mining stakeholder claim for "Granulated Pyro-Pissammonium" in his name and they would receive 20% of the gross yearly revenue as commission. We had given them a disposable mobile number and told them to ring us from the MSMD office.

Two days later Mr. Uroduos from MSMD rang us and said they had a large mob of very excited people wanting to register a mining claim for "Petropissulphate and Granulated Pyro-Pissammonium" somewhere near Joss and could we please explain. Mr. Manuel R. Swipings was called to the phone and explained the people were part of a mining scam involving NAPIMS, whereupon he sent Mr. Uroduos a fax of the original scam letter. Nothing further was heard, but we do wonder if anyone has ever invested in a Pyro-Pissammonium plant.

Just for the record, the computer power supply was of the low voltage type and the fence engeriser is intended to cause pain but not injure (permanently). There was minimal risk of injury to anyone. I only wished I could have watched it.

By the way, this was all done by fax and phone - if only they had email.