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 Short, but amusing.

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Larry Flynt
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 521
Location: microwaving all the Peeps in your Easter basket

PostPosted: Wed Apr 06, 2005 7:43 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The following bait contains harsh language, insensitivity, political incorrectness and is pretty damn funny if I do say so myself.

This is an old, and short, bait from a couple of months ago that I never published. I consider it one of my B-sides, to draw a record store analogy. I was contacted by Chueng Pui. I lost his inital letter, but you can pretty much guess what it said.

Dear Mr. Hong Kong!

What great fortune that you should contact me about the dead Iraqi! My name is Larry Flynt, and I own a magazine redistributor that is quite profitable. I would of course be interested in the acquistion of your money, by all legitimate means, to further purchase investement capital balanced between long and short term leases. As you know, with the recent Iraq war, which I totally opposed on grounds of Saddam's proven track record as a leader, our stock which is traded on the fargo national exchange under the symbol FU (Flynt Underwriting) have shot up 52.3% over the past 30 years alone. I'd like to see George Bush get those kind of results!

Please, feel free to contact me as soon as possible so that we may get this money out of your bank.

Thank you,
Larry Flynt.

I didn't hear from him for a while. Time to knock on the door a little louder.

Dear Fung Shui:

I am writing to assure you that I am 100% reliable in all my transactions. As any of my friends can tell you, I am totally trustworthy and do not break my vows. Please let me know exactly what I can do to help.

You may be aware that I work for the NAMBLA organization, a non-profit group dedicated to turning young boys into young men. Any money I get by this transaction will be funneled directly to the group. I can put you on the mailing list if you like.

Much love,
Larry Flynt

I still await a reply.

Hey Ching Chong!

I havent heard from you in a week? What the fuck? Are you serious, or are you playing me?

Larry Flynt

Hang Seng Bank Ltd
Sai Wan Ho Branch
171 Shaukiwan Road
Hong Kong.
Reply to:[email protected]

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr. Cheung Pui director of
operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd,Sai Wan Ho Branch.I have a
obscured business suggestion for you.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Major Fadi Basem who was with
the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit
for 18 calendar months, with a value of Twenty Four millions Five
Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. Upon maturity
several notice was sent to him, even during the war early this year.
Again after the war another notification was s! ent and still no
response came from him. We later find out that the Major and his family
had been killed during the war in bomb blast that hit their home.
After further investigation it was also discovered that Major Fadi
Basem did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including
the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the
last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his
in my bank. So, Twenty Four millions Five Hundred Thousand United State
Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to
claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the to the laws of
my country at the expiration 4 years the funds will revert to the
ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the

Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as
a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Major Fadi Basem so that you
will be able to receive hi! s funds.


I want you to know that I ha ve had everything planned out so that we
shall come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will
prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin
to Major Fadi Basem , all that is required from you at this stage is
you to provide me with your Full Names and Address so that the
attorney can commence his job. After you have been made the next of
kin, the attorney will also fill in for claims on your behalf and
secure the necessary approval and letter of probate in your favor for
the move of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.
There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going adopt a
legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary
documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters
concerning this issue.

Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we
shall share in the ratio of 70% for me, 30% for yo! u . Should you be
interested please send me your full names and current esidential
address and I will prefers you to reach me on the email address below:
([email protected])

And finally after that i shall provide you with more details of this
Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards

Mr. Cheung Pui

WTF??!?! This is totally out of order! This is an outrage!

Dear Ching-Ching Chinaman:

I agree to your terms for this (INSENSITIVE TERM FOR AL-QAEDA MEMBERS)'s fund, but I must insist that my percentage be 35%. I can accept nothing less!

Larry Flynt

Larry Flynt,

Thank you for your responce to my proposal,I want to let you know that we would have all our dealings in this assistance to be within the dictates of law.You should not have anything to worry about. I will do everything legally required to ensure that
the project goes smoothly,it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking.
Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that, it needs your commitment and diligent follow up.
If you work seriously,the entire transaction should be over in a not more than five to seven working days.

Firstly,You should note that this project would have some capital commitment. This is why I have to be very careful. I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before,but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.Well as you will be asking for a higher %,it will be possible once you agree to assist with expences of the attorney over here.I hope you understand,all the same it will be what we can handle together.

I am now in contact with a foreign online bank. I now intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank.The money would be transfered to your account which you will open in the bank for both of
us, this is the best way for I have found that it will protect us from my bank. I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So you should
listen to my instructions and follow them religiously. Also You have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will
be aware that it is from me. This is where I need you.
As result of this,you will have to open an account in that bank which is a corresponding bank to my bank. I will send to you the certificate of deposit and with the help of the attorney who would be working for us in getting the necessary papers to back you up for the funds in my bank you will be seen as the bonafide owner of the funds. After this,the money will be banked
online according to your instruction for both of us. We can then instruct the bank to transfer our
various shares into our respective home bank accounts in the ratio we desire. I will also
perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.
Before I commence,I will need you to send me a copy of any form your identification (Driver's licence or International passport),along with your contact address,your full names and nationality and I will send to you my international passport for your perusal and trust.
I want to be sure that I am transacting with the
correct person. As soon as I get these from you,I will commence the paper work.
I hope you will understand why I need all these. The money in question is big and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence the project.
I will send the name and contact details of the bank and their website to you so that you can commence communication with them.
Ensure that you keep this project confidential, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.
Please reply soonest.
Cheung Pui.

Dear Ching Po

You ask for my address, it is:

386 Phuqstik Lane
Chicago, Texas 90210.
You can always call my phone at 206-495-6510.

In addition to your passport, I will need a photo of you. In this photo, you should be holding a sign that says "Sukee-Sukee". This is my wife's madien name and we should use it as a passcode in all future correspondence.

Larry Flynt

I think Ching Po is a teletubby.

As much as I would love to do business with you,I will
not be seen to do things that do not show business
wise,how do you expect me to hold a write up for a
postcard,this is unheard of in the right sence,please
if you really want to do business with me,then avail
me of your ID either international passport or
drivers licence,then I would acertain your seriousness
as I know you better.
Waiting to hear from you.


Chang Pui

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. Here is a copy of my passport and my photo. I asked for your photo becuase I am opening a new Vietnamese restaraunt named "Sukee-Sukee" and I wanted to use a picture of a real Asian in our promotional literature. So, if you don't mind, here is what I want you to do: Write "Sukee-Sukee" legibly on a sign and have a pciture taken of yourself holding the sign. It couldn't be easier. This way, not only do I have a real asian guy picture for our literature, but I know who you are and with whom I am doing business. There are many charlatans out there who are running scams thru email. this way, it will be proven totally to me that you are who you say you are.

Larry Flynt

Just give me my freaking sign!!!!

I am a very serious minded person and will not as said be subjected to Advarts.For as you know I am introduing a business of such magnitude to you and will not want to be see by those whom may want to joepadise my carear now or my ability to enjoy the proceeds of this transaction when concluded now or in the future.
Please note that I am a quite person and I intent to remain that way,if you cannot follow my instuctions,then let it be so ,for we will not be able to work as aware that I did not get your passport ,do resend if you are ready to follow my instuctions for you know as much as you are cautious likewise I am for I will not want to entrust all these money into your hand when your Identity is not fully know to me,even though I intend travelling at the end of this project to see you for disbustment and investment as the case will be.
Well if you act as I said I will likewise avail to you a copy of my international passport for your perrusal.

I will wait to hear from you,but note that time is of essence if we are to work together.


Ching Ping:

Sorry for the misunderstanding. I'n not trying to get you to do an "advart" (what is that? like an adverb and a fart?) or whatever. I want you to help me with an advertisement. Write "Sukee Sukee" on a sign and get a picture of you holding it. I'll send you $200 through Western Union if you can help me out with that. Also, I'll send you $200 per sign if you write some of our menu items on a sign and get a picture with it too: "Dine & Dash Bukkake", "Try the Hentai", "Sum Yung Poontang". All these are delightful pan-asain dishes that I hope you will try when you come to America.

Oh, sorry about the passport. I have included a different scan as an attachment

Larry Flynt

To any scammers reading this. Don't make your intended "victim" wait a week before replying. Be sure you stay at your email day and night, and the cost of the internet cafe be damned! You'll easily recoup your losses at Western Union!!

Dear Ching Chong:

I havent heard from you in over a week! Have you given any more thought to my request for photos? I am still very interested in your business proposal.

Larry Flynt

That's some pretty easy money, Ching-a-ling! What say he???

Dear Larry,
please note that I am a busy man who is not perty,you are making me sound perty hence my refusal to answer your email,how dear you say you would pay me $200 for writing any letter for you,well I have more than that to deal on,please you are not compelled to carryout this transaction with me if you are not ready to follow my instructions.Also my mname is not ching chong.


Poo Ching:

You are "perty"? What the fuck does that mean? Jesus Christ, Poo, I just wanted to see if you wanted to get some spare change from advertising work, not fucking offend your delicate (UNKIND TERM) sensibilities.

I am absolutely ready to carry out your instructions, Poo! (Can I call you Poo?) Lets get our modalities in order for this transaction!

Larry Flynt

Never heard from him again. Oh well, I soon had Tony Nkosi and Stella to keep me occupied after all this went down!

Banks I have hit in the groin with oranges... United Kingdom x1; Lads on safari Safari Safari Safari

Thanks Mr Larry, I dont need any kind of monkey. -Jurgen Sterk

...and moreover the name is Wesley Harry and not Hairy Weasel. -Barrister/Bannister Curtis Davis

Odium. Fallacia. Perfidia.
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Dr Hugh G Rection
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Joined: 02 May 2004
Posts: 996
Location: Rectum area

PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 9:19 am Reply with quoteBack to top

nice one!

AKA Mugu named Tony Ovie
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 11:32 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Laughing Yeah, short but amusing Wink It's really funny that the mugus these days decline to send any photos of themselves. Maybe the word has spread about our notorious Trophy Room...

PostPosted: Fri Apr 08, 2005 12:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Another goody!
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