Wed Mar 09, 2005 10:18 am
Believe it or not, I learned about this site via a friend in the US State Department.
I have been responding to the scammers for quite some time but always out of the sheer fun of screwing around.
Not until I found this site did I realize that I could take a more serious and damaging approach.
I just wanted to share with you one of my first responses to an email in which, sadly, the young ladies father, (a cocoa merchant), had been ambushed. (I am sure you have all seen that one).
Here is my response:
Your plight is a tragic one at best. Ironically, I too had a father who was assassinated. His was not the result of an ambush, however, but that of a single assassin. I remember it as if it were yesterday. He and my mother were being driven through the streets of Dallas Texas, USA, when several shots rang out. My mother was unhurt, however, my father was mortally wounded and died en route to the hospital. I remember his funeral. I stood and saluted his grave as they laid him to rest. Very sad.
In reference to your request, I am flattered that you sought my help. Being a very wealthy man already, I need nothing. My only hope would be to help you. I feel it only appropriate however, to first introduce myself and give you a little biography on my life so that we may conduct future business as friends rather than mere acquaintances.
I was born in Moscow, Russia in the year 1966. Shortly after my father’s assassination, I vowed that I would one day become a powerful leader and put an end to such acts of cruelty to humanity.
I attended primary and secondary school in Moscow, and joined the Soviet Air Force shortly thereafter. I flew Mig 23’s, ( fighter jets), throughout the next 10 years. While flying, I realized that, as much as I loved to soar high above the clouds, I wanted my financial future to soar high as well.
I left the Air Force and was fortunate enough to land a job at McDonalds of Moscow. While working there, a stranger gave me a link to an email that he had received, with winning numbers to a South American Lottery. I was lucky enough to claim my share of the 33 million dollar jackpot. I took my 5 million and quickly invested it through a good friend and real estate broker named Carleton Sheets. I quickly turned that 5 million into 25 million after investing in various properties with little or no money down.
It was after this, that I ran into another friend of mine named George Foreman. He had the idea to market a food grilling machine but lacked financial backing. I promptly commissioned him a check for 10 million dollars to start his company. I have since seen a return of nearly ten-fold and also shaved my head and learned to Box in the process..
During this time, I was approached by an up and coming recording group named N’sync. Although I am not much into American Radio music, I nonetheless took a chance on the group and invested money so that they would have the proper outfits for gyrating in. They quickly drew a large fan base where I cashed in once more by selling Signature Series Enema Bags with the bands image and logo. Yes, incredible but true, I made an additional 25 million.
It was not long after I arrived back from a meeting with the Pope, that I received news that I would indeed be accepted to Harvard Business School. I finished the program in record time and quickly started a software company based in Redmond Washington. I named the company Skin-So-Soft and soon found myself on the Forbes top 500 richest men in the world.
It was also during this time, that I attended a football game in Canada and found that my face had appeared on the big advertising screen that they use during the game. I was approached the next day by a Canadian Beer Company who asked me if I would like to model for one of their adds. Flattered, I accepted, and soon found myself in a whirlwind like fairy tale. I landed in Hollywood and started work on a television show called Gaywatch, where I became an international celebrity. I quit the show after several seasons due to another pressing offer.
A good friend and old school chum named Martha Stewart asked if I would be interested in investing in her company of Home Living Products. I could not turn down an old friend and quickly accepted. I did however, having had all of the experience on television, requested that I be allowed cameos on her show. When they started filming the show, I was billed as Peter Hustonoff, The Monkey Spanking Chef. Well, after dazzling America with my incredible recipies like: Waxing the Porpoise Pie or another favorite, Bopping Baloney Sandwiches, I left television all together to cash in on the internet.
I launched yet another company called AmazonWomen.com and an internet auction site called Egay. I also was part owner in another company called CourtesyFlush.com which specialized in hiring small primates like monkeys and lemurs, to flush toilets in public restrooms, while all the while, the people could sit in comfort, knowing that they would not be blamed for causing a nasal disturbance in the bathroom. Well, all went well for this company to with the exception of the time where a Ring Tailed Lemur named “Humpy” tried to molest one of our bathroom users. This quickly resulted in the loss of roughly 10.3 million which is just amazing because that is the same amount that you are willing to share.
I cannot promise you that the money that you give me will be invested in a successful business. Let’s be truthful – it is next to impossible to predict market trends and the like. The best that I can do is to provide you with some general ideas of what I may invest your money on:
A new American car company called Jupiter?
A Fast Food Restaurant Chain called Kentucky Fried Julius
A company that produces cheap and unregulated Halloween costumes which are made in factories filled to the brim with underage Chinese workers.
A soft drink company called Coca Zit A. (Soft drinks that will benefit teenagers with poor skin).
In the event that you have the need for money, I will gladly give out my account information so that it may make it easier on you , my new best friend.
Bank Name: United Colors of Bennelbank
Routing # 8675309
Account # 2112-5150-1984-OU812
If you have any problems whatsoever trying to gain access to my account, I will leave you with my name and the address where I may be contacted:
Mr. Rush Van Halen
United States Postal Inspection Service
INSPECTION SERVICE OPERATIONS SUPPORT GROUP
ATTN: MAIL FRAUD
222 S RIVERSIDE PLAZA
CHICAGO IL 60606-6100
After reading up on how to bait them, I received my first "official" email to which I posted a more serious reply. I guess I was just amazed that my alter-ego...Dack Rambo, just happened to share the same last name as "John's" client who was lost in the Tsunami.
Here is my first email to him......please let me know how this one sounds...I have not heard back yet:
First of all, let me just put your mind at ease. I am more than happy to receive emails from friends that are interested in promoting the good of mankind.
I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your client. The tsunami disaster affected so many across the world.
A few of my very close associates and fellow oil men from Saudi Arabia were also lost in the tsunami. I have since inherited a large share of their rights to drilling in the Persian Gulf.
As you can imagine, I have been very busy.
I am concerned with the proposition that you have set before me. My biggest concern is regarding what one might consider insurance fraud. I will need a day or two to think over your proposition.
I will actually be flying out to Anarctica to check on some current drilling projects that my company is involved with so I will use my time enroute to consider what you have presented me with.
I have to compliment you on your obvious committment to your client.
I was curious to find out where your law offices are locally. I have a good friend that you may know. He is a Los Angeles based attorney named F. Lee Bailey. He has since retired from active practice but we still find time every year to play a few rounds of golf nonetheless.
I would appreciate the opportunity to look over some of your client's information to ensure it's validity.
Not that I would question your integrity, however, I am a very sucessful businessman with many connections and I would hate to have one bad deal tarnish my stellar reputation.
Thank you for considering me and warmest regards,
Shortly thereafter, I received yet another email....this one regarding petroleum products. I was so honored that they would pick me to distribute and promote their products in the Western World.
Here is my response:
Wow. I am honored. I am however, a little confused as to how I can help you. At the current time, I am not involved in the oil or gas business.
I do however, sell propane and propane accessories.
My son Bobby and my wife Peggy were quite excited to receive your email. They have been telling me for many years now, that online communication is the way most will conduct business in the future.
My good friend Dale Gribble is weary of your proposition although Dale is weary of pretty much everything.
When I mentioned your correspondence to my neighbor Kahn, he just mumbled some Laotion jibber jabber and continued to throw potted meat at my fence.
We are a family steeped well in the tradition of the old west. Honor is of the utmost importance to me and my family.
Arlen Texas is the center of the universe as far as I am concerned. Although, being in the bedroom of any one of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders could also be considered the center of the universe for a short time.
Here in Arlen, we drink good beer and spend a lot of time standing around talking about nothing.
With that said, I suppose that I could help you if you still needed me. I am fairly busy trying to balance my schedule right now. Peggy is going back to school to re-learn Spanish all over again and my niece Louann is busy with beauty school.
Can you believe that that damn girl was using my beer as a home remedy "hair treatment" for her beauty school clients.
I said to her.... "Dammit Louann. Raping a man's beer supply for techniques that have yet to be proven should be a crime."
Anyway, please let me know if you still wish to use me to assist you.
I have several other friends who may be willing to help.
As I mentioned, there is Dale. Also, Bill, Boomhauer, and my father Cotton Hill are excited to help.
I also have some good friends that hail from the midwest that may be willing to help.
I will pass along this email to Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie to see if they are interested.
Please let me know if this is alright. It may take six months or so to get the info to them because they have to first create me asking the question and then create them answering.
Homer is a good hearted man although he has a bit of a temper. Often he can be found choking his son Bart. It is so funny to watch.
Arlen, TX USA
*** BANNED ***
Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Location: microwaving all the Peeps in your Easter basket
Wed Mar 09, 2005 8:50 pm
...God didn't create Rambo. I did.
...he can eat things that would make a billy-goat puke!
Me likey! I love all the Texas stuff there too. Remember that Lad-opolis USA is in Houston for some reason, with New Jersey a close second.
Banks I have hit in the groin with oranges... x1; Lads on safari
Thanks Mr Larry, I dont need any kind of monkey. -Jurgen Sterk
...and moreover the name is Wesley Harry and not Hairy Weasel. -Barrister/Bannister Curtis Davis
Odium. Fallacia. Perfidia.
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