Rope a Dope

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Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 5:37 pm

At last, after so many short attention span egg heads, I have been able
'to paraphrase the great Casius Clay' to Rope a Dope.

The scenario.
I am a rancher with a small 2 million acre spread in Drygulch Pass, Seattle

After 5 failed attempts to fax me the document which entitles me to claim
my inheritance from the Bank, he now attaches it as a Word Doc.

I write back and thank him.

Quote:

Dear Richard,
I got the application form in my mail, and I could see you tried to send it by fax
but the darn thing didn't work, God how I hate those machines.

You are a real fast worker Richard, I wish we had more like you out here on the Ranch. I like the
way you do things Son and I'm going to make you a present. The Circus came through here a
while back and it was good fun, but the sad part is my Wife ran off with a one-legged dwarf when
they left. Now the thing is I had just given her a new Toshiba Laptop, she won't need it now
and I can't use those new fangled things, so as soon as I have rounded up all those other
cows, I will parcel it up and send it to you son.

Best regards from the Big Bend.
Hugh Jarse.

Richard writes back.

Dear Mr. Hugh

You know that the time is not on our side, so the application must be
submitted
fast to stop any forfeiture proceeding on the deposit by the
bank/government
as abandoned/unclaimed funds.

Since this application is in now, we will wait for the reply from the
bank,
before we know how to proceed.

Thanks for sharing your experience on the Circus Event that came to
your
town. You should be very vigilant next time, so that your wife does not
run away with any member of the circus next time they come your town.

Extend my greeting to your wife.

Update me once the bank reply you.

Regards
Richards

I can forsee the unexpected return of the ex and the Dwarf getting in the
way of our smooth running transaction.[/quote]

Posted: Thu Feb 17, 2005 10:15 pm

They might only have one leg, but women can't resist dwarves Very Happy

_________________
economic stimulus package in detail

Posted: Fri Feb 18, 2005 4:09 pm

My Pet has handed me over to the Bank Legal Dept and I receive their
missive today on headed Bank notepaper, my fax having failed again.

It seems the only thing standing between me and my inhertiance are the
following items :-

1) A death certificate.
2) Affidavit of will.
3) Court Grant of probate right.

Up till now, my Pet has filled in all the forms required by the Bank, where
am I going to get this shit?.

I could offer to shoot the Dwarf and send his death certificate, dunno
about the rest though.

If I thought there was some fun involved I would google some Latin
Party of the first part shit the Lawyers speak but that seems like work.

No I think the Pet is going to have to come up with this, after all it was
his idea to begin with.

feel free to let your mind wander.

Posted: Sun Feb 20, 2005 1:03 am

I like this boy, he has a good work ethic, hell I might even hire him on
the Drygulch Ranch.

He's offering to get all the forms (and hopefully pay for them)

Quote:

Dear Richard,
I have some kind of trouble here Son. The mail came from the bank with an
official looking form which is Chinese to me Boy.

The Bank wants me to send them

1) A death Certificate
2) Affidavit of will
3) Court grant of Probate Right.

Well Son, I nearly needed a Death Certificate myself when I read that, where in the Hell am I
going to get all that shit, I thought you were goint to handle all that Richard.

Get back to me Son.

Hugh Jarse in Drygulch Pass without a paddle.

Richard get's right back.

Dear Mr. Hugh,

That is a surprise to me also.

It seems that we will have to tender these documents before they will
accept
you as the true beneficiary to the late Mr. Andrew Jarse.

I do have information about him with me. I will conduct a research on
how
to secure these documents from the agencies, that I think will be
responsible
for issuing them.

I will get back to you within by Monday, or latest Tuesday.

Have a wonderful weekend, and extend my greeting to your wife.

Regards
Richard

That's the wife who ran away with the one-legged Dwarf in the first chapter.

Posted: Mon Feb 21, 2005 5:13 pm

My Mugu decides it's time to hit me for the money.

[quote]I have the Certificate Of Deposit, issued to the late Mr. Andrew Jarse,
in his file with me. That I will make available to you soon.

So far, the documents will cost as follows:

1)Securing an Amended Affidavit of Will will cost = US$650.00
2)Obtaining Certificate of Cause of Death/Death Certificate from the
Hospital
cost: US$550
3) Court issuance of Probate Right fee is: US$1,500

All together, we will need: US$2,700.00

Can you been able to arrange for this so that I will proceed
immediately
and secure them. Send it by western union in the name of: PETER EZE.

Having more interesting things on my cooker, I decide to send him
My John Deere Letter.

Quote:

Dear Richard,
Your letter arrived this morning and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before.

In 1987 I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit. In 1989 the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.
In 1990 my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda, right enough, it had a nice lookin face, but I think he was going too far with the marriage.

A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.
In 1991 my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shonee and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the fucking eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after, he emigrated to Canada with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.
In 1992 my wife ran away with a one legged Dwarf from the Circus and left me with newborn twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children's welfare allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right I leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the fucking knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the fucker's funeral expenses. The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bollixed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time.
This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shonee flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.Then the other week you write to me a tell me my Uncle Andrew has died, leaving Millions and you will help me get my hands on the loot. I took you at your word Son and went out and bought a Deere John Tractor, $126,000 worth of machine on Credit.

It surprises me very much that you now want $2,700 for some paper. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog's arse with a red hot needle. I'm praying for a cloud of cat's shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.
And while I'm at it, send me a copy of that old Bastards Death Certificate so I can see what he died of, I bet it was laughing, and who the fuck is Peter Eze.

Hugh Jarse.

Up Drygulch Pass without a paddle.

Do you think we can still be friends?

Posted: Tue Feb 22, 2005 7:51 pm

After all that turmoil Richard holds out a ray of hope, a bit like the loan
companies who will roll up all your debt into one enourmous bundle,
ryky free. And he does feel for me.

Quote:

Dear HUgh

I read your length mail with interest. YOu must have been through a lot
of hardship, and misfortunes in life.

It was my Secretary that sent the documents after returning from the
bank,
and Peter Eze, is my account receivable clerk, who handles all
financial
dealings in my chamber.

I know you have been through a lot of problem in your life, but I think
that this is the opportunity to recover from all your expenses, and
have
a new life. You should not let that little miscellanous expenses stop
you
from receiving your inheritance.

You should know that it is normal requirements for bank to request for
such
documents before such an amount of funds to release to you. That
documents
will also assist you to proof the funds origin when you receive it in
your
account in US, so they will be of importance in future.

I expected you to ask for how we are to solve the problem, and not to
went
on a series of past ugly incidents in your life. There is nothing I can
do to change any of them, since they have happened in the past and are
now
history. You should face the future, since that is what we life for.

Let me know when you can been able to make the funds available, or what
to do.

Regards
Rickards

I suppose I can waste a lot more time by getting him to send copies of all
those valuable documents, so I can have my friend Sherrif Beuford T Justice
give them the once over.

Posted: Wed Feb 23, 2005 3:37 pm

Richard had that sinking feeling after the Deere John letter, so I thought
I would send a conciliatory note to cheer him up.

Quote:

Dear Richard,
Thank you for your encouraging words, I have given the matter some thought.
I would like you to send me copies of the papers I have to pay for. I will get my good friend
Sheriff Beuford T. Justice to look them over and if he gives the go ahead, then I will agree to
the money.

Now I want to tell you son, if anything goes wrong here, I will drive down there in my Deere John
Tractor and demolish every house your family owns, I will personally pluck your Mothers
crotch hair out one by one, your Genitals will be used to plug the hole in your head, after I
blow your brains out.

Now get that stuff sent before I forget my manners and say something I shouldn't.

Yours faithfully.
Hugh Jarse

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2005 5:10 pm

My Lad has gone all quiet after I asked him about the forms, which I know
don't exist. So I think it's time to introduce him to the rest of the family.

Quote:

Dear Mr. Adams,
You don't know me, my father Mr. Hugh Jarse may have mentioned me
to you in some of his messages. I am Peggy-Sue his daughter and I have been going through
all his papers trying to get in touch with everyone who knew him.

After his second wife left, that Cow who caught VD from the land Inspector, he has been
looking for another wife. The daughter of the man who owns the next Ranch has been making
eyes at him in Church and he took a liking to her after she showed him her's.

Now her Daddy has a very bad temper and threatned to shoot anyone who set foot on his
land, especially anyone from our Ranch. So my Daddy, being a pretty inventive guy, had to
figure out a way to get over there and see her, it's 50 miles away.

He went to the Hardware Store and bought some weather ballons, which he tied to a chair,
intending to float over there. Now everyone I have spoke to say's this should have worked.
He tied some jugs of water around the chair, to be poured out to make him lighter and rise
up un the air. To get down again, he took along an Air Rifle to shoot out the balloons one by
one.

The daughter say's she saw him, because they waved to each other. Unfortunately he got so
excited, that he dropped the Rifle.

The last report we have is from a Quantas Airline Pilot sending a Mayday report stating that
he had seen a man in a Deckchair, wearing only shorts and a T shirt, at 24,750 feet heading
due west over the Pacific Ocean.

If you can write to me telling me what your business was with my poor Father, I will see what
I can do to help you.

Yours ever.
Peggy-Sue

Posted: Mon Feb 28, 2005 11:26 pm

Richard enjoyed my story, but for some reason he thinks it may not be
true.

Dear Peggy-Sue

Thanks for writing. I took great pleasure to read your ferry tale. I
was
quite entertaining. You should present it to Jerry Springler show, I
hope
you will win an award.

Anyway, since you said you are the daughter of Mr. Hugh, and by writing
through his email, you should be able to read my correspondences with
him.
Or ask him what is the purpose of our business.

Thanks
Richard Adams
[/quote]