Maria Invests In My Lifestyle Brand (NSFW for language)

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Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 8:24 am

Hello! I'm a brand new baiter! I just started on this great journey a couple days ago, and this is one of the emails I've gotten:

Subject: hi frnd

Quote:

I am Maria Elisabeth-Schaeffler of the schaeffler foundation,i am German and 75 years of age,i have an offer that i believe will be of mutual benefit for both of us, it is a portion of my Wealth as a free-will financial donation for charitable purposes,please write back through my personal email: [email protected] if you are interested in other to partake thank you.

My characters are a couple of Southern Californian bros who want to start a lifestyle brand, but need some capital to get started. One of them--Chet--responds. Do excuse his language Embarassed

he's a bro, and sometimes they express their feelings through profanity:

Subject: you're [sic] offer

Quote:

'Sup Maria -

Thanks so much for reaching out to us. is a great brand, and once we get up and running we want to do all sorts of charitable stuff and free trade sh*t, but we're definitely looking for capital investment sh*t to make it like, become a thing. It's so cool of you to think of us, and we think is gonna be a real chill venture and maybe do some good for the world.

Anyway, a little more about us: is gonna be a lifestyle brand about SoCal for young people who wanna do their own thing. It'll have apparel, but it's gonna be more than apparel - it's going to be concerts, and like, lifestyle in general, and in addition to hats and t shirts and other bro stuff, we want to have some real artisanal sh*t from all over the world, but do it in a way that's not like, cultural appropriation-y, and that stuff is gonna be all hand made and local artisans from different places and maybe helping out local communities. My best friend Bret and I have been working on the idea since the beginning of this semester, and right now he's making the website, so that'll be up soon.

Anyway, let me know what you were thinking. If I'm not around, you can contact Bret. The real charitable aspects have sorta been his thing, so let me know if you need his email.

Peace!

Chet
Co-founder of
[email protected]

Apparently, Ms. Schaeffler is a real person! https://www.ft.com/content/f779abca-54e9-11dd-ae9c-000077b07658 She's a truly formidable businesswoman, with so much to teach our bros! And perhaps they may teach (the guy pretending to be) her as well...

Maria responds:

Quote:

Thank you for the response, as stated earlier don't be bothered as to
why you have been contacted for this and its genuineness as i have
done so from a pure motive, I am Maria Elisabeth Schaeffler, a German
citizen, wife of late Georg W Schaeffler,75 years old, you can see
here :forbes.com/profile/maria-elisabeth-schaeffler

The intention of this email is to be of immense blessing to
people,with my age, i can't continue to amass wealth without giving
out,i am indulging myself with such act that will be considered a
blessing to other, it is my hope that as you receive this money and
that it would be of great use to you and also that you can also assist
others from it.

I crave your indulgence to keep this offer discreet as i don't want to
make this a public affair, so if you are willing to accept the gift, I
will make you a bonafide beneficiary, As i send this message to you, I
have also sent to churches, orphanages and charitable organization.
now with all this being said, if you are ready to receive your part of
€1,700,000{one Million, Seven Hundred Thousand Euro}from my cede of
€50Million,kindly introduce yourself in full details,{Full Name,
Address, Occupation} thereafter i shall grant you a letter to
authorize the money to you from the bank, please my dear ,this is my
personal wealth as it doesn't need many formal procedure, and for the
sake that it might seem too easy for you to receive this gift don't
justify that life is easy, I would crave your indulgence not to refer
any person whatsoever to me so that i can have my peace. I am doing
this as a free-spirit gift and I made the contact myself to you,
therefore, don’t refer any person and don’t make a public/media show
of this as i would not like any publicity of any sort.

I will wait for your email to do further. Stay bless

Chet:

Quote:

Wow! You seem like a pretty chill lady! Ballbearings, huh?
For realz $1,700,000?? Daaaaaaymn!

Yeah we can totally keep this on the DL, you can be like, our Anonymous investor.

So I guess, about me, my names is Chet (it's pronounced sn-oo-fle, not sn-uh-fle, lol), I'm a senior in college, I'm from Miami, Florida, and I like sk8ting, dope-ass mexican food, and chillin' with my boys.

Peace!
Chet [etc.]

(Note: both bros are originally from Florida, but they went to college in Southern California, where they happen to fit right in with the culture, and where they met each other sophomore year. So, that's their viscerally-boring backstory, 'cus that's what makes a character almost painfully real Razz

)

Maria:

Quote:

Thank you for the email and the will to accept my offer,like i said
earlier the intention is to help the needy and do good will with the
money,i have received your details and will like to congratulate you
for choosing to do this and put smiles on the faces of those that will
benefit from this offer.

In my previous email,i had clarify to you the exact amount to start
with,the amount is €1,700,000{One Million, Seven Hundred Thousand
Euro}from my cede of €50Million at the Standard Chartered Bank,the
money has been there with the bank for this purpose only and when you
have received your part of the money,the way it was spent by you will
be judge before any further refunding,so if you choose to work
well,you stand the chance to help more through the refunding,in a
brief summary i will like to have an idea of your intention towards
this project in your next email once you have the money.

In securing this exact amount from the Standard Chartered Bank,the
bank and I have drawn out a smooth process for the beneficiary to
follow,this will involve you setting up an account with the exact
Standard Chartered Bank that the money is deposited and when your
account is opened,the transfer of the €1,700,000{one Million, Seven
Hundred Thousand Euro} to your account with them will start
immediately,i hope you understand the procedure as i will advise that
you write back to clarify your stand so that i can direct you to the
financier for the disbursement.have a blissful week and bless you.

I want you to kindly send me copy of your passport ID Card and attach
to the email is some of my pictures. .

Edit: the 4 stock photos our "Maria" sent of herself:
https://imgur.com/a/wyd8z

Chet's response is pending...

I was worried this character could be a bit much, but I figured go fun or go home, right?
Anyway, let me know if you have any tips, ideas, or know anyone who might be interested in investing in a totally chill lifestyle brand Wink

Posted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 10:14 pm

Chill lifestyle brand now has chill new website: https://chetsnufle.wixsite.com/bretchet
Yes, I am so proud of myself.

Elite Baiter Joined: 17 Jun 2015 Posts: 1942

Looks to me like the lad is still working through his copy and paste responses. I'd keep the off the wall stuff for down the road when actually has to read and respond to your emails, or when he passes you up the food chain to another lad or his boss.

Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 12:57 am

^^^ Thanks! That is a thing I have been learning DDX Damn these lads for not taking time to appreciate creative genius! lol

Anyway, Chet responded on the 22nd. Then we both took a few days off to celebrate Thanksgiving with the family Very Happy

Chet:

Quote:

Lookin' good! I like that german outfit in the second pic - what's that called, a lederhosen? You're really pullin' that thing off!

So, stuff we wanna do: we definitely wanna do that thing where we go in and hire those ladies from poor countries to make crafts and shit, and that like, brings those places employment and teaches people entrepreneurship and all that good stuff. I imagine we can commission some dope-ass accessories from them, or maybe they can make native textiles and we can get those made into apparel, and that will like, celebrate their culture. Then we want all our stuff to be super fair-trade and organic, so yeah. We're also gonna be sponsoring a lot of stuff 'cause part of having a lifestyle brand is putting your name on everything, and I think one of Bret's dad's friends is on the board of some music festival that does this thing for Africa so I'm thinking we can get on that, and once we're big we can sponsor real heavy-hitting causes like, the UN. Then of course some of the money gotta go to normal business stuff like having a website and like, post it notes or whatever the legit business people are using lol To be honest, I'm not completely up on all the different stuff brands like us are doing to help the world, so if you have like, suggestions of philanthropic stuff--'cause you seem to know about this stuff--that'd be super chill!

Anyway, so psyched to be working with you, you seem like a total boss and I think there's definitely a lot you can teach us! Hope us business n00bs don't get on your nerves too much with our n00bie-ness. Especially when you talk to Bret - he's a real cool dude and all, but he's what my mom refers to as "a doofus" lol

Here's a pic of me--it's the one we're gonna use for the website. Sorry it doesn't have my face or anything--we were going for like, an air of mystery--but it is the fanciest pic of myself I own lol (I attached the free Wix stock photo I used for him on the website.)

Maria, Nov 23:

Quote:

Thank you for the email please i want you to send me scan copy of your id card,

Maria .

Chet, Nov 27:

Quote:

Funny story about that--I'm sorta...in between photo IDs 😅 But I totally promise I'm a person who's real, and hereby certify that's admissible in court. If you swear something in an email and put that line in the end, it's legally binding. (No, this is not a real thing Razz

) I think its called a common-law promise or something? You have those in Germany?
If you need the ID for the bank, I think you can just forward them this email and it will be cool. 'Cause I think the penalty for lying here is the same kind as for proper big-boy perjury, so I presume real fraudsters wouldn't think it's worth it and the bank probably gets that.

Maria:

Quote:

Kindly send to me copy of your passport id card so that i can be able
to send you further details of receiving the funds.

Chet:

Quote:

Due to very stupid circumstances, in which I assure you I was totally in the right and nothing that could technically be consider illegal actually occurred, I do not have a photo ID at this time Sad

Talk to the bank about the common law promise, tho--it should be cool.

Maria:

Quote:

Take a picture of your self and your family and send to me .

Maria .

[/quote]

Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 12:11 am

Part 2: In which the lad makes his move, and stuff starts to go down!

Chet sends Maria a (stock) photo of his family. Maria sends him a "letter for your favour," and Chet was all good to contact the bank and get this transfer party started!
[img]https://imgur.com/tS1Bh4O[/img]

Chet:

Quote:

Yo! This Chet , Ms. Elisabeth-Scha3ffler's new favorite business friend. Let's get some mad stacks a-rollin'! Choo-choo! The Chet-ster and I have downed the ceremonial jäger shots in honor of the Scha3ffler-ster's heritage to celebrate, and invite you and yours to do the same and make this celebration internationale!
So, without further ado, we forwarding Ms. Elisabeth-Scha3ffler's letter to you, the bank.

Dolla-dolla bills, or dolla-dolla euros, to all,
Chet and Bret
Founders of

The bank asked for the usual "name, address, phone, and bank account details." Chet gave him the address of some open field in Florida, and just the name of a bank chain. But all was not right in the world...

Bank:

Quote:

Dear ,

We wish to inform you in person base on what we received from the revenue transfer department that as we tried to make Remittance/transfer to your bank account but your operations/transfer was Automatically stopped as you are required to pay for the (cost of transfer taxes),according to the revenue and the tax investigation service, authorised and regulated by the financial service authority.

The confirmation and transfer of your cash of €1,700,000{one Million, Seven Hundred Thousand Euro} to your bank is now on hold due to cost of transfer taxes, this is because the tax investigation service noticed that you have not paid for the Hugh amount tax, . In view of this, you are therefore required to make a tax payment of $750 (Seven Hundred and fifty United State Dollar), which you will pay to them before the funds can be transferred into your bank account successfully . (And so it begins... Twisted Evil

)

You are to pay the cost of transfer taxes directly to the account department to get a fast contact to the office of revenue board,This will ensure that your cash are not taxed again by any tax authority. The transfer can only be successful if you are cleared by the revenue tax and the only way you can be cleared is when you pay the cost of transfer taxes fees, your funds will be credited into your bank account after we have confirmed your payment by this department, there after your funds will be credited into your nominated bank account.

Furthermore, you are therefore obliged to remit payment of ($750) from your total sum being for the administrative/ procurement service action to effect process and obtain the fund transfer tax clearance from the CENTRAL REMITTANCE REVENUE immediately and appropriately and note that the payment is refundable.

Kindly the account details stated below to make the payment using western union or money gram branch office close to you.

Name. Kingsley.
Bank Address : Building, Off Road, Mombasa - Likoni, Mombasa, Kenya

Note you are require to send us the payment slip once you complete the payment to enable us confirm and transfer your funds as soon as possble and note that the payment is refundable and it can not be deducted and once you make the payment within 10 minutes the funds will be transfer into your bank account.

Chet:

Quote:

Whaaaaaaaaat. All I know is, my name's Chet , I bank at [Bank], and thats some solid intel--don't see how I coulda messed anything up at my end. Sounds like [Bank] is the one screwing with you. I'd go after their asses.
So yeah, go give 'em the ol' what-what, as my grandad always says.

Bank reiterates "send us money, blah blah etc."

Chet:

Quote:

So, [Bank]'s website says nothing about a "Hugh amount tax," and my dad says it's total BS and he knows everything about money, so I think the guy who contacted you is taking you for a ride. So yeah, track down whoever's actually in charge, tell them their guy has been scamming people and that's not cool and his ass needs to be fired, maybe demand a little extra sump'n-sump'n for all our emotional labor, and yeah. We should 'totes be good to get this dolla-dolla bill train rolling again, choo-choo!

Bank:

Quote:

You have to kindly complete the require payment which is 750$ using the details that was sent to you previously on the email and the reason why you are making this payment is to enable us bank set up a new account for you in our bank which will enable us complete he transfer of the funds so you do not get any future problem in receiving the funds so kindly make arrange and complete the require payment just as we have instructed you so that you can receive your funds as soon as possible we could had contacted you on the phone so that we can explain it to you more but you have not provided for us your phone no.

Chet:

Quote:

Dude. The "Huge amount tax" is not a thing. The guy who told you that is a dirty dirty cheat, and he's probably f*cking up the banks whole system, and doing this to a bunch of other innocent people too. We gotta get his ass apprehended or some shit. Until then, neither of us should give anyone a cent: this guy could be a l33t hax0r. (as all the hip young people say/spell)

Bank:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that is not a scam (aaah, okay Rolling Eyes

) or we are not transferring to take your money without we do not transfer your funds to you and is left for you to complete the payment so you can get your funds or you forget about receiving the funds the choice is yours .

Chet

Quote:

No no no, "this is not a scam" is exactly what a scammer would say. But yeah, do not try to transfer any money until we figure out what the fuck is going on. Who did you talk to at the bank? Was it the same guy? Was it over the phone, or email? 'Cus he could have 2 different email accounts. Yeah--just put everything on hold, and we'll get to the bottom of this. Stay calm.

Bank:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that we receive your email and note that you just have 24hours to complete the payment or we have the transfer cancelled (oh noooooo!) that is the policy from our bank in Kenya before transferring any amount worth over 1 million tax have to paid that is the only we can be able to transfer without having any problem from our side or the receiving customer having no problem with anti money laundry so now is up to you to follow the instruction or forget about it .
Um, excuse me? It's like they don't even care that there's wicked scammer after everyone's money!

Chet:

Quote:

For the love of Gosh cancel any payment you tried to make to these guys--they're so gonna try and steal it with their hax0r skillz, and your money will be stole. Don't trust a word they say. Did you talk to them over email? Forward me all the correspondents you had so I can see exactly what the fuck they're up to. I REPEAT. CANCEL ANY PAYMENTS YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE, AND WE'LL TRY AGAIN LATER ONCE WE'RE SURE WEASEL FACE AIN'T GONNA STEAL IT. SHOW ME EVERY F*CKING THING THEY SENT YOU WITH THEIR F*CKING WEASEL PAWS. SORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS, BUT THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT.

Bank:

Quote:

This bank receive your email and note that we have only your information and bank details just as you sent to us previously and all what you need to do now so we have the funds transfer your bank account is to kindly proceed and send 750$ through western union or money gram office close to you using the name and address stated below.

Name. Kingsley.
Bank Address : Building, Off Road, Mombasa - Likoni, Mombasa, Kenya

Note you require to send the payment immediately to the name and address above and please once you have the payment completed kindly send to us scan copy of the payment slip so that we can confirm your payment and transfer your funds to your bank account which is had to us previously and is stated below and please you should also have your account no send to us and once we receive your payment today we shall transfer your funds to you today .

Chet:

Quote:

FORWARD ME THE PHYSICAL EMAIL THEY SENT YOU. I NEED TO SEE IT WITH MY EYES.

Bank:

Quote:

We have not receive any email from anyone and we may ask who are you talking about as we have already give you the instruction to follow to enable you get your funds.
(This is the email where the lad truly begins his off-script adventure... Very Happy

)

Chet:

Quote:

THE GUY YOU TALKED TO AT THE BANK WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS SO-CALLED "HUGH AMOUNT TAX" IN THE FIRST PLACE

To be fair, they never did say that a person from the "tax investigation service" emailed or otherwise reached out to them about the "hugh amount tax," just that "the tax investigation service noticed that [he hadn't paid it]." But hey, the customer's always right Twisted Evil

...And then I realized it was my bedtime:

Quote:

IT'S 2AM HERE AND I GOT CLASS TOMORROW FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I'M GOING TO SLEEP, I'LL CHECK MY EMAIL IN EXACTLY 8 HOURS--THE GUY WHO FIST TOLD YOU ABOUT THE "HUGH AMOUNT TAX" BS? SEND ME THE EXACT EMAIL WHERE HE TOLD YOU THAT, DON'T JUST SUMMARIZE IT SEND ME THE LITERAL PHYSICAL EMAIL WITH THE [Bank] LOGO ON IT AND EVERYTHING!

FUCKING! STAY! CALM!

GOOD NIGHT!

Sent literally the second after Chet closed his laptop and went to sleep, from the bank:

Quote:

We have not been contacted by any guys but we had instruction from only who is the originally owner of the funds and should be made transfer to you for the use of charity donation and we can only be able to complete the transfer after you most have completed the require payment for the tax hope you can understand better now.

Two minutes later:

Quote:

Kindly send us a phone no that we can be able to use to call you so we can explain better to you on the phone .

Three hours after that:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that you should try your best and complete the payment before 9am your time today so that you can get your funds transferred into your bank account before 12 noon your time .

Hey, maybe if they'd actually taken time to listened to their customer's concerns, he wouldn't'a flew off the handle and done and acrobatic flip in the air Cool

To be continued...

Posted: Tue Dec 12, 2017 10:42 am

And we're back!

Chet, the next day:

Quote:

I'm fucking out of phone data... I told you that in like, my second ever email to you guys...

Chet:

Quote:

Look, General Manager dude? I think whatever lackey you had answering emails for you last night wasn't paying attention or needs more coffee or something. So I'm gonna spell the order of events so far, in terms even a baby can understand:

-I gave you my name and my bank's name.

-You tried to transfer money to my account, but somehow the money got stopped.

-Some guy claiming to be from the "tax investigation service" talked to you, and told you that he'd "noticed that I have not paid for the Hugh amount tax." YOU LITERALLY TOLD ME THIS IN YOUR EMAIL TO ME AT 11:03 LAST NIGHT. YES: YOU DID TALK TO A GUY.

-The "Hugh amount tax" IS NOT A THING. It is not on [Bank]'s website. My dad says it's BS, and he knows money. I fucking googled it and it is nowhere on the internet.

Which leads us to,

-Logical conclusion: YOU BEEN PLAYED. Some guy--maybe he really does work for [Bank] and they need to fire his ass, maybe he's just some elite hax0r guy--somehow fucking stopped the transfer from going through, MADE UP A FAKE TAX, and is holding your money hostage.

-And since he's a fucking criminal, THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE HE'LL TRY TO STEAL MARIA'S $1,000,000, TOO

In conclusion, I told you:

CANCEL THE TRANSACTION! WE'LL TRY AGAIN LATER WHEN IT'S SAFE! DON'T GIVE ANYONE A CENT UNTIL THEY FIND THIS GUY!!!

But noooooooo. You ignored everything I said and tried to go right on ahead like everything is hunky-dory. IT'S. NOT. HUNKY. DORY.

TELL ME YOU UNDERSTAND THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bank:

Quote:

are u making the payment or not

Chet tries one last time:

Quote:

You don't get it--
Neither of us should be moving any money! You need to CANCEL the transfer and tell [Bank] someone is holding your money hostage and making up a FAKE TAX!
FUCK! It's like you don't even CARE that someone's trying to steal a poor college student's $750, and maybe even YOUR OWN FUCKING CLIENT'S $1 MILLION! What the fuck would Maria say?? She's owns the second largest producer of ball-bearings in the world and you're fucking throwing around the safety of her hard earned $$$ like she's...IDK, you shouldn't be that cavalier with ANYONE'S money! But if she knew the sheer tom-fuckery that you've gone along with and had the nerve to blame on the innocent small business owner who was the fucking victim in all of this--well, she's the sweetest, most chill lady, but she'd FUCKING WRECK YOUR ASS and tell all her other billionaire lady friends not to bank with you! IS THAT WHAT YOU FUCKING WANT??????? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!

Bank:

Quote:

We already told you last night you got only 24 hours to complete the payment 750$ all we get the funds cancel so is only remaining 6 hours for you to complete the payment or the transfer will be
cancelled

Chet:

Quote:

I HAD IT! I'VE FUCKING HAD IT! I'M FUCKING TELLING MARIA ABOUT YOUR DANGEROUS UNPROFESSIONALISM, AND SHE'S NOT GOING TO BANK WITH YOU ANYMORE! HAPPY?!?!

I waited to see if "the bank" had anything to say for themselves, but nope Evil or Very Mad

So Chet told on them to Maria:

Quote:

Subject: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Maria!!!!! I think something super dodgy is going on at the bank, and your money is in trouble, and someone hacked their system and stopped the transfer and is trying to steal money from me, and the bank is just falling for their evil plan and completely giving him what he wants and they're being super uncool to me, and they won't cancel the transfer even though there's a hacker on the loose and he might wanna steal your money that you're sending to us, and their fucking both of us over and OH GOD PLEASE OH PLEASE DO SOMETHING I'M REALLY FREAKING OUT HERE

Ima just gonna forward you the whole email exchange so you can see the complete tom-fuckery that's happening, oh please I think something super fucked up is going on you gotta stop it, you gotta stop banking with these guys, you gotta tell all your billionaire lady friends not to bank with these guys, please stay calm.

Maria:

Quote:

Thank you for information and i have already made contact with the bank regarding the transfer and they and make me understand that you suppose to pay 750$ for the tax of the government to enable them register and transfer the funds to your bank account directly so i will advise you try your best and have the payment sent to the bank as soon as possible to enable the bank transfer the funds to you smoothly so make arrangement to send the payment to the bank as soon as possible .

Chet:

Quote:

No no no--you can't believe them. Something's going on, and they're trying to cover their asses, and I know you probably have trusted the peeps at this bank for years, but you can't take anything they say at face value right now. The "hugh amount tax" is not a that exists--No one I know has heard of it, no one on the internet has heard of it, I scoured every part of my bank's website and all the online banking forums and it is not a thing.

You're a tough business lady--heck, you pulled off the largest hostile takeover in modern European history before the other German mercantilist families could finish saying "wtf??"--and that bad-ass business lady would not let this stand! That bad-ass business lady with her red lipstick, sharp suits, and a passion for opera* would see right through their BS and be all, "aw, heeeeeell no!"
Go forth! Release the hounds of German automotive supplier mercantilist rage!
*(Source: https://www.ft.com/content/f779abca-54e9-11dd-ae9c-000077b07658 )

Maria:

Quote:

I have help you by sending sending 300$ to the bank today so kindly try your best and pay the balance 450 $ so that they can complete the transfer of the funds to your bank account.

Chet:

Quote:

WHAT????? Haha! Very funny! You billionaires have sure have a terrifying sense of humor! Now let's cut to the part where you tell me, "JK! I didn't send that hax0r mo-fo who probably doesn't even work for [Bank] a cent, his ass has been fired and/or thrown in jail, and me and the rest of my billionaire girl squad are giving that negligent, gullible-ass bank the ol' what-what!" Okay??
'Cus I know you didn't put $300 right into that weasle hax0r's weasle paws/hands 'cus that would mean EVERYTHING HAS GONE INSANE! HAHA!
(Seriously tho--you didn't give him money, right??)

Maria:

Quote:

I am in a very bad condition in the hospital am getting tried of your bull shirt mail as it is given me headache you have to balance payment send to the bank so they transfer the funds to you and if you know you are not serious about his better tell me so i fine someone else am as i am not here to wast my time .

Oh nooooooooooooooooooo! Is the lad gonna kill off Maria?? What's gonna happen to the global ballbearing and mechanical parts industry??

Chet:

Quote:

OMG you're in the hospital?? Fuck! I'm so sorry, are you okay??

Maria:

Quote:

I am not doing fine am in a very bad condition and i was in a shock when i got your email i had to use part of the money for my hospital bill to send to the bank which was the 300$ and it was even with the help of the doctor that i was able to send it through western union to the bank so just try your best and send the balance 450$ to the bank because i really want you to get the funds and use to help the charity please act fast and send this balance i do trust the bank and i know if you send the balance for sure the funds will be made transfer to you without wasting time

Chet:

Quote:

Fuck...
Look, don't worry about sending anyone any more money--you just focus on getting better. I know I sounded like I was flippin' the fuck out back there, but I got this--I'll stay strong for you. You just...chill and get better. I love you. Hey, enjoy those dope-ass pain meds they give you while you're there lol

Chet, a few minutes later:

Quote:

Look, I already have a mom, but I've come to think of you as, like...my business mom. Is that weird? Anyway, I want you to know that we've just met, and never even met in person, but I've already learned so much from you--haha, what? I'm not crying as I write this email! --and there's...still so much I want to learn from you. So what I'm saying is...please don't die. I need you not to die, and all the children and poor people you're gonna help need you not to die, and the global ballbearings industry needs you not to die. Okay? Cool.
Ugughsfhhh, fine, full disclosure: I'm totally crying my eyes out right now. Not gonna lie.

Maria:

Quote:

I so much appreciate your love and care , and i will like you to please have the balance send to the bank because is the way the bank can be able to transfer the funds to you , so let me know how long time it will take you to have the 450$ send to the bank.

Chet:

Quote:

Okay, Schaeffler-meister. You just rest now and enjoy those dope-ass pain killers, and I'll handle the bank. Ima tell Bret to pray for you extra hard, 'cus he's 'totes Christian and super good at that prayer shit. I love you. Good night.

True to his word, Chet handles the bank:

Quote:

Yo, Chattered Bank!

This Chet Snufle, and you done fucked up!
Did you know Maria is in the hospital? It sounds like it's really bad!
Oh--and while she was gonked-out on pain killers and in no state to understand WTF is going on, she sent you $300 out of the pure goodness of her totally chill heart to give to that scammer, and I think we both know
Yeah! You TOOK ADVANTAGE OF AN OLD LADY IN THE HOSPITAL, WHILE SHE WAS UNDER-THE-INFLUENCE OF PAINKILLERS AND IN NO STATE TO BE ABLE TO HANDLE THIS KIND OF THING, and that's like, against the hippocratic oath, and her family can for real sue you. You need to pay her back $300 + a little sump'n-sump'n for what she's been through RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!
She needs to rest so can't be here to stick up for herself, but you betta be damn-hell-sure Ima stick up for her, so go and STICK THAT UP YOURS!

MAKE THIS RIGHT!

D'aww, whatever did Maria do to deserve a business son like him? Cool

To be continued...

Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2017 11:02 am

Part 3: In which Chet defends Maria at all costs, and a mysterious hero gallops in to save the day...

Bank:

Quote:

This bank receive your email and the 300$ she sent was to even assist you now you need to pay the balance 450$ so that we can complete the transfer of the funds to your bank account .

Chet:

Quote:

Did you even know Maria was in the hospital?? It sounds bad, man!

Poked them a few hours later:

Quote:

Hello????
Have you given Maria her money back yet?

Bank:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that you should not send us any email again if you know you are not ready to complete the balance payment because we are contacting maria so we can have you cancelled from receiving funds and let Maria suggest another person who is more serious and ready to claim to the funds and not someone like you because you are not a serious person
*Ghasp!* Shocked

Chet:

Quote:

Don't you DARE contact Maria unless it's to apologize to her and give her her $300 back! She's an old lady in the hospital, and if she has a heart attack because you keep freaking her out, I will personally never forgive you!

Maria, an hour later:

Quote:

Good day to you my friend the bank have made contact with me that you are not been serious to pay the balance fee just as they have instructed you and they want me to ask someone else to claim the funds because you are not been serious to pay the balance so kindly let me know if you are paying the balance or not so i can fine someone else who can claim the funds .

Chet:

Quote:

Maria,
I want you to know that no matter wtf any fucktard at Chattered Bank tells you, I will always be serious about protecting you, and no one's gonna stop me. You might want to turn off your phone, because I know those fucktards are gonna keep harassing you, and you don't need that right now. Don't worry about a thing: the Chet-ster won't let those bastards get away with this...

Maria:

Quote:

This is not about what you are saying let me know if you are paying the balance or not and if not so i can ask someone else to receive the money because is enough of wasting time i need the job to get done as soon as possible.

Chet:

Quote:

Okay, I don't know how much of which painkiller they have you hopped up on--as I recall, they give you like, a lot so the docs don't have to deal with patient's whining but I don't know how it works at rich-people hospitals--but trust me: once you're back to yourself, you're gonna be soooo fuckin' pissed if you heard I gave them money, okay?

Do you have like, a finance guy, or personal assistant or someone, who can take care of this stuff for you while you're out of commission? 'Cus you really shouldn't be stressing about this shit right now, but I think there's something 'totes shady going on and you should have a professional check it out.

Get well soon,
Chet

Maria:

Quote:

I will not be pissed so just have the balance send to them and let me know once you do that .

Chet:

Quote:

You'll thank me when the meds wear off--promise.

Sorry Maria! Chet stops at nothing Razz

Chet, to the bank:

Quote:

C'mon guys: do I need to sic my dad on you? 'Cus he went to lawyer school, and he'll waste your asses.

A couple hours of silence.
And then, just as it seemed this would continue for ever, aaaaaand 'cus I might have kinda gotten bored, the bank receives a strange email...

Quote:

Subject: Tax Thingy
'Sup bank peeps,

Dis Bret, the other co-founder of . Heard we needed to do some customs tax shit, but Chet is totally flipping out? Chet is like, the coolest guy, but sometimes something he'll get stressed and his switch gets flipped and BAM! he does a fucking pirouette-ical acrobatical flip of the mother fuckin' handle, but that's just Chet being Chet.

I know you guys are cool peeps with good judgement because Maria is a real chill lady and she trusts you, so I know this all just normal bank stuff and Chet's just bein' Chet and going ballistic conspiracy theorist on your ass.

So yeah--I got $750, so I'ma just send it to you guys and we'll be chill.

But don't tell Chet or he'll freak. You're gonna wanna tell him some shit like that criminal he keeps going on about turned himself in and vowed to be a good boy forever or something like that.

Peace!
Bret
Co-founder of

Surprise!!! It's Chet's equally bro-some but even dumber business partner/best friend, Bret! And he's here to selflessly go behind his buddy's back and save the day! And he hadn't heard the thing about Maria putting in 300 bucks, so he's gonna pay the full $750! And nothing could possibly go wrong!

The bank responds:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that we got your email kindly use the information stated below to send the payment using western union money transfer or money gram money transfer to the name and address stated below.

Name. .
Address. Nairobi, Kenya .

Note that once you have send the payment kindly send to us copy of the payment slip so that we can be able to confirm your payment and proceed with the transfer of the funds to your bank account as soon as possible and please also send us your bank account details once again. note that once we receive your payment within maximum time of 10 minutes the funds will be transferred into your bank account without our bank not wasting time.

And one minute later, they also send the exact same email to Chet!

Bret:

Quote:

Wait, sorry, how do you send a western union money transfer or money gram? Confused

I've never done it before lol

Bank:

Quote:

All you need to do is go to any western union or money gram office close to you with copy of your any of your id card and take along the money and once you get to the there office tell them you are sending money to a friend with the name and address stated below.

Name: Mr.
Address. , Nairobi, 30003 , , Kenya,

After that they will give you a form to fill you do that and after then they shall give you a copy of the payment slip that for the confirmation and after you most have done that you shall send us the western payment receipt that was given to you that is what we shall use to confirm your payment and as soon as we confirm your payment we shall immdatly complete the transfer of your funds to your bank account . you can also have the payment send through online at https://www.westernunion.com/us/en/send-money/app/start and please make sure you send to us the western union receipt once you have the payment sent.

Bret:

Quote:

Will a student ID be okay?

Bank:

Quote:

Yes for sure it will do.

Bret:

Quote:

Cool.
Okay, don't freak out, is there a drug test of any sort? Like, I'm not saying I'm definitely high right now, but just in case..

.

Bank:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that there is no drug test or you need to do is to make the payment and get back to us once you complete the payment the payment receipt and your bank account details and immediately the funds worth 1.7 million United State dollar will be transferred into your bank account.

Bret:

Quote:

Aw, thank God! haha jk
Thank you so much for all your help.
One more question: do you happen to know how late they're open.

Bank:

Quote:

Kindly send to us your home address so that we can fine a location close to you and send to you.
(Aww, how sweet! Very Happy

)

Bret:

Quote:

Okay, my home address is 1214 Mill Rd, Perth
(Perth is a city in several different countries, and several different US states. If you just type that address into Google Earth, it gets kinda confused Wink

)

The lad struggled a bit, but came back with 3 different options in 2 states!

Bank:

Quote:

Stated below are some western union location that should be close to you and they are open from 7am to 11 pm your time so kindly visit any of the location at 7am and send the payment.

6271 Carolina Commons Dr
Fort Mill, SC 29707-5980
803-XXX-XXX

FOOD LION #2570
8175 Charlotte Hwy
Fort Mill, SC 29707-9658
803-XXX-XXX

HARRIS TEETER #182
8157 Kensington Dr
Waxhaw, NC 28173-0103
704-XXX-XXX

Bret:

Quote:

Thanks, bro!
I'll go right now! I'll see you with $750 in a few minutes [kiss emoji]

Now, Bret sent that email at 12:49 AM local time. From California. While he may or may not have been high as a kite. The addresses the lad sent him are in North and South Carolina. In reality, are no WUs open anywhere he can actually reach, at this hour. But he is still going...somewhere "right now."

...Welp, it sounds like everything's gonna be totally fine! Very Happy

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 15 Jan 2010 Posts: 953

Quote:

And one minute later, they also send the exact same email to Chet!

Quote:

I'll see you with $750 in a few minutes

Before Bret can get to WU, doesn't Chet flip out about Bret sending money to this bank?
Or does Bret make it to WU, but is reluctant to reveal the MTCN until Chet settles down? Twisted Evil

After all, it's ALWAYS the Lad's fault!

Posted: Thu Dec 14, 2017 10:10 pm

^^ @MB Brets plan is to use his own money, go behind Chet's back, and have the bank lie to Chet and say, "never mind! There was a l33t hax0r behind the 'Hugh amount tax' like you thought, but we caught them! Now you'll get your money and there'll be no problems!"

But noooooo, the lad just had to get greedy Twisted Evil

Posted: Fri Dec 15, 2017 1:22 am

The lad heard nothing for almost 24 hours.

He sent this email twice to Bret:

Quote:

Kindly let us know if you had completed the payment so that we can transfer the funds to your bank account immediately .

And this email twice to each bro:

Quote:

This bank is still waiting to hear from you regarding your payment.

Then at 7:40 PM, Chet sent a message:

Quote:

Subject: Bret

Question: did a Bret Bretterson contact you about sending money last night

Bank:

Quote:

Yes we got a contact from some Bret Bretterson and we are still expecting to receive your payment so that we can transfer the funds to your bank account.

Chet:

Quote:

What were his exact words?

Bank:

Quote:

We have not heard anything from him and if we mind ask how long will take for you to complete the payment.

Chet:

Quote:

Don't change the subject. At what time did he contact you last night?

Bank:

Quote:

We already told you and please stop asking us further questions and answer our question.

Chet:

Quote:

This is really, really important--what time did he contact you last night, and did he say anything about taking any drugs?

Bank:

Quote:

He did contact us same time 10pm your time (12:49, technically, not sure where he got that number...) and kindly let us know when you are making the payment.

Chet:

Quote:

Wait wait wait--what about the drugs. Did he imply that he was on anything or mention drugs at all?

Bank:

Quote:

He wants us to transfer the funds to him and if you do not act fast the payment if maybe Brat is able to send the payment before you we mind transfer the funds to him so that is the reason why you need to make the payment right away so we can have the funds transfer to you

Ooo, tryin' to turn the boys against each other! Twisted Evil

Chet:

Quote:

Answers first: DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT DRUGS. I NEED HIS EXACT WORDS, OR NOBODY GETS A CENT!

Bank:

Quote:

He never said any about drug did only thing he said was about making the payment of 750$ for him to get the funds transfer to him and we did told him we need to hear from you first . (Did ya Razz

)

Quote:

The western union shop is still open till 11pm your time so we request you go and send the payment right away so you can get the funds transfer to you immediately .
(Ooo! He did research!)

Chet:

Quote:

Look, I don't know how y'all's conversation went down, but I know for a fact that he said something about drugs to you, or you said something about drugs to him, for some reason, and I need to know exactly what that was.

Bank:

Quote:

Cool.
Okay, don't freak out, is there a drug test of any sort? Like, I'm not saying I'm definitely high right now, but just in case...

that was his message about drug and we are not concern about drug all you got to do is to pay the fee and allow us transfer the funds to you

Whooooa... Seeing that felt super eerie for some reason... Shocked

Chet:

Quote:

...fuck...

Quote:

What did you tell him?

Bank:

Quote:

We told him we not care about drug and all we are concern about is having the tax payment paid to enable us transfer the funds and you wast time in this we mind have the funds transfer to him if get the fee paid before you that why you got to hurry up and fix the payment to enable you get the funds.

Chet:

Quote:

But did you tell him there would be a drug test?

Bank:

Quote:

no drug test

Quote:

You have fast and make the payment so you can get your funds as soon as possible.

Chet:

Quote:

Yep... Well that would explain everything...

Bank:

Quote:

How long will take for you to send the payment ?

Chet:

Quote:

Okay bro, how'd you like to hear about my fucking day?

Bank:

Quote:

what about it

Chet:

Quote:

So nice of you to ask!
Let me tell you about The Day I've had...

Quote:

Last night, I finally got home from the south-campus library at 1 AM, after forwarding our entire fucking email exchange to my dad, who, if you'll remember, went to fucking lawyer school. And guess what: Bret wasn't there. And the place smelled really weird--like, it smelled like pot, but like, not normal pot, or something? So I'm like, "Whatever, he's probably hangin' with that group of stoner bros that I can't fucking stand so he only hangs out with them without me again," and a go to sleep. Then in the morning, Bret is not back, he doesn't show up to Geology class, and he does respond to one of my several text, but it's with some crackpot-shit about, quote: "ol' Carolina and the South," and like, every word is misspelled, like, I don't even know how u misspell some of those words, but he fucking did it, so I'm real weirded out, right? And just as me and the guys were about to swing by 'Benny's for food, I check my messages and see that Bret's sister Bethyl--fucking Bethyl--has been blowing up my phone. And like, not it's txts: it's actual shit's-goin'-down for real phone calls.

Okay: wanna guess why Bethyl called me?

Bank:

Quote:

Okay we are so sorry about that we like you to try your best and have the payment send in the morning because the western union should be close now or better still inform us on when you can have the payment send to enable us transfer your funds to you and close this transaction at once.

Chet:

Quote:

Uh-uh-uh! I'm not done:

Fucking Bethyl tells me that her mom's at that retreat in Sedona with her whole mature-lady squad, doing yoga wine-tasting or whatever the fuck mature-lady squads do in Sedona, so she was the who wound up getting the call--all the way at Bret's family's home in Florida--that the EMTs, or cops, or some shit found Bret tripping balls outside some Harris Teeter in the middle of the desert with like, a third-degree sunburn, and wearing--I fucking kid you not!--nothing but a woman's negligee and crocs, I dunno how, or why, or where the fuck he got them or what, but they have him, and they need someone to like, hang out with him at the hospital for legal reasons or whatever.
So I get there, Bret's just super sunburnt and tripping balls but he's not hurt--thank The Baby Jesus!--Apparently, they'd gotten a bunch of calls about him public-urinating outside like, three different grocery stores. Don't know why he chose grocery stores, specifically, but as he explained it, quote: "Those Chatter-Box Bank-Standard peeps told me there isn't a drug test at the thing, but like, I had to be really sure just in case, so I have an excuse and they won't be able to make me pee in a cup." After that, he started loudly gushing about how "truly woke" he felt now that he had "so many new black friends and they're even (his words, not mine, bro) 'real Africans,'" before belting out the most problematic and probably racist rendition of that Swahili part at the beginning of The Circle of Life from The Lion King, and making everyone in the hospital really uncomfortable. And he also wouldn't shut up "Ol' North and South Carolina and the South"--so, still no clue what that part was about--and making up these I guess, southern-twangy songs? about "all the pretty meadows in the south and rolling Grapes of Wrath" which obviously did not help with the whole everyone-around-us-being-incredibly-uncomfortable bit.
His tox-screen came back as normal cannabis, but cut with a shit-ton of "unknown hallucinogenic." So they have no idea what he took, no idea how long he's gonna be trippin', could be ten more minutes, could be like, a week.
Anyway, I put together the "Chatter-Box Standard-Bank peeps" references and the fact that he kept knowingly nudging everyone and going, "seven fi-ty, bro!" and now I know what you did.

This leaves only one question:
WHAT. THE ACTUAL. FUCK! YOU FUCKING FUCKS!

Sincerely,
Chet Snufle

Bank:

Quote:

Okay we are so sorry about that we like you to try your best and have the payment send in the morning because the western union should be close now or better still inform us on when you can have the payment send to enable us transfer your funds to you and close this transaction at once.
(Copy/pasted same damn email! Evil or Very Mad

)

Chet:

Quote:

Okay--just sorta...chill and think about it for a sec:

- You manipulated my best friend and business partner into going behind my back, and encouraged him to wander outside in the dead of night, after he had clearly insinuated to you that he might have been, I dunno, high as a fuckin' kite.

- You sent me this email at about 1 AM:

[Coppy/pasted email he sent to Chet after Bret had said he was going to WU]

...which is after the time you said that Bret left to find a Western Union. That's right, when you had reason to believe Bret was on his way, you not only distinctly neglected to tell me that "it's all good, don't worry about sending $400 anymore," through what must be some super-massive fuck-up, you continued to demand money from me.

-Oh! And lets not forget: you still took advantage of and also stole $300 from an old lady in the hospital.

In conclusion:
IF YOU WANT ME TO CONSIDER HAVING ANY MORE DEALINGS WITH YOU EVER AGAIN PERIOD, YOU WILL COMPOSE A GENUINE, HEAT-FELT APOLOGY TO MYSELF, TO BRET, AND OF COURSE, TO MARIA.

Got it?

Sincerely,
Chet Snufle

Quote:

Totally forgot--for a fuck-up this big, in my family at least, you have to do our apologies third grade style: hand written.
So to sum it up, hand written apologies to me, Bret, and Maria, single sheet of paper each, genuine and heartfelt.

I really, really wanted a 3rd grade style hand written apology from a lad, so I took a gamble... It did not work... Rolling Eyes

Bank:

Quote:

To hell with your apology and for your own good the bank is tried of your stupid messages and kindly stop sending us message we had your information cancel so we are not transferring the funds to you again we have chosen to have the funds transfer to brat(Aw, don't him "brat"!) or anyone else that could be suggested by maria and do not try to send us email again

Oh, the lad's gonna have sooo much fun with Bret, he has no idea Twisted Evil

I/the emotionally sorta rattled Chet emailed Maria. Wanted to see if the lad might try using her as the "good cop":

Quote:

Subject: Get Well Soon!

Hey Maria,

Just to say hi and see what's good. So...I drew you a picture! Yeah, it's pretty stupid. Also I for real draw like an actual baby in pre-kindergarten lol
But you know, like, that's what you do when someone you care about is in the hospital: you draw stupid-ass "get well" pictures for them!

Yeah. It's a bunch of sea urchins having a party, I dunno, 'cus they're an animal I can sorta draw, no idea why they're having a party. We wanna maybe use it as a T-shirt design for our lifestyle brand, but like, get someone who can actually draw to do the real thing lol

Oh yeah, Bret's here, he says hi. He like, started singing "Ave Maria" when he heard I was emailing you. But like, he can't actually sing, or speak latin or whatever that shit is, so...it's pretty funny. He's 'totes worried about you too.
So, how you been? You watch any good gameshows on hospital TV? Find any cute German doctor-chicks to set yo' boy Chet up with? What are rich-people hospitals like? 'Cus I've never been to one lol Do they have like, canopy hospital beds and shit?

Chet's drawing: https://imgur.com/6DKtqzE

Get well soon,
Chet Snufle
Co-founder of Bretchet

D'aww

Maria:

Quote:

Thank you for the respond the email bank have told me that you are not ready to pay off the balance so i have ask them to give you just 12 hours and if you do not send the balance fee they should have your file erase as i will suggest another person claim the funds thank you for your understanding and care

Chet:

Quote:

Did you like the sea urchins?

Bret will be back in his right mind in a day or so. Chet and the bank will go their separate ways for now. But do you know who's bankrolling a lot of the bros' operation? Chet's dad. And the only way to get to Chet's dad...is through Chet Wink

Hope to see you soon!

Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:04 am

Part 5: The Bret-venture begins!

A day later, the unknown hallucinogenic has worn off enough for Bret to send this email:

Quote:

'Sup bank peeps,
How's it hanging?
So...weird question, but, did I send you my $750 last night?

Thanks!

Co-founder of

Quote:

'Cus like, I think I sent it, but like...it's a long story, so...yeah.

Bank:

Quote:

Okay can you kindly send to us the payment information so that we can be able to confirm and transfer your funds to you as soon as possible

Bret:

Quote:

What'd ya mean by payment information? Razz

Quote:

'Cus I don't know what that would be... Confused

Bank:

Quote:

What we actually mean is that you take picture of the western union receipt and send to us so that we can be able to confirm your payment and transfer the funds to your bank account.

Bret:

Quote:

I don't think...I got one of those... Neutral

Is there another way to check?

Bank:

Quote:

You send us the MTCN no or the reference no that was given to you from the western union office.

Quote:

After you sent the payment the western union agent are suppose to give you a payment receipt that is what you suppose to send to us and if you don't have those we advise you to go back to the western union shop and collect the receipt that you are suppose to attach or scan and send to us so that we can be able to confirm your payment and transfer the funds to your bank account immediately .

Ten minutes later:

Quote:

This bank is still waiting to hear from you kindly keep us updated.

Bret:

Quote:

So, this might sound even weirder, but...I'm not entirely sure which one I would have gone to--another long story Neutral

Doesn't it like, say on your bank computer that someone sent you a Western Union thingy?

Bank:

Quote:

We need the western paper that was given to you from where you had the payment it and please have the receipt that was given to you send to us so that we can be able to confirm your payment and if you can do that we you should send us the MTCN NO on the receipt and if you had lost it you should go back to the same office where you had the payment sent they will print it and give it you again and you send it to us that is the only way we can be able to confirm your payment or better still you can send us your phone no so that we can call you and explain it to you better .

Bret:

Quote:

I'm real 'totes sorry, my compadres, but I don't think thats a...thing that's going to happen Crying or Very sad

I guess the best way to put it is, I wasn't in a position to hold onto a piece of paper, at the time? Haha it's a long story Rolling Eyes

But can't you do a thing on your bank computer to see if I sent it?

Bank:

Quote:

No there is nothing we can do from our computer and the only thing we can do for you now is that you call the western union on this no 513-774-0302 and inform them about it that you had lost your western receipt that you want them to give you the mtcn no once again and after they give it to you send to us the mtcn no thats the only thing we need .

Quote:

You can go this link and request for a new copy of money transfer receipt https://wucare.westernunion.com/care/s/copy-of-transfer-receipt-or-history?language=en_US. and please once you have it kindly have it send to us and the western union control no .

Bret:

Quote:

Will do, my home-brös! [sunglass face emoji]

Bank:

Quote:

what do you mean and how long time will take for you to send it to us

Bret, 30 min later:

Quote:

Lol I was on hold for literally 20 minutes Razz

But that Western Union lady is super sweet--u guys know Janelle?
But I got maybe good news, my brösephuses! Janelle is checking a thing real quick, so I'm on hold again, listening to this DEET-deet-DEET-DIT!-dit on-hold music (it's sooooo annoying what the fuck Surprised

) but yeah, I maybe got news for yous!

Bank:

Quote:

okay good have it send to us soon as you get it back from the western union so we can immodestly transfer the funds to your bank account

Bret:

Quote:

"immodestly" lol Laughing

Bank:

Quote:

okay good have it send to us soon as you get it back from the western union so we can immediately transfer the funds to your bank account .

I discovered @Frost's WU/MG modality in the toolbox and thought it would be a lovey way to keep the lad occupied after I'd gone to bed...

Bret, another 10 min later:

Quote:

'Kay I'm back!
I had to like, answer eight security questions it was pretty intense lol And one of them when I made the questions, I apparently insisted I had to answer it in the form of a song? And Janelle was like, "wtf! I'd had no idea that was a thing people could do for these, but okay! That's apparently what it says on my Western Union computer, so okay!" so yeah Razz

So, apparently she's pretty sure I sent a thing, but I set it up with this extra security pin thingy they offer, so she said what you guys are gonna wanna do is call the thingy's number and its [the phone number] and enter this super long pin (that's why I needed to answer all the questions Razz

): [randomly generated pin] And then they'll give you the MTCN thing and the day is saved! Yaaaaaaaaaay!
Anyway, goin' to bed now! 'Night guys [kiss emoji]

Bank, just as I was about to turn in:

Quote:

We just called and they make us understand you alone have access to get the MTCN NO which is the control no as the sender and you call the lady back and request she give you the MTCN and send it to us once you get it from her
(UGHGHHGGH No! Evil or Very Mad

Nnnno!)

Quote:

They are suppose to give it to you as the sender please call them again and request they send it to you and after you get that please have it send to us .

(You slippery lil' weasel-eel! You will call that number and spend the next six hours trying to talk to someone Evil or Very Mad

)

Bret:

Quote:

Weird. Did you call the number on the website or the one I gave you?

Bank:

Quote:

We called the both (riiiiiiiight...) are they did told us that you should called them again and request they send you the MTCN NO because you are the sender and they assure us that they going to have it given to you once you called them again because you are the sender so kindly call them again and get the MTCN no and once you got it have it send to us

Bret:

Quote:

Yeah, that's what I sorta tried to do when I talked to Janelle, and she said I had to call the number to get the MTCN and put in the pin because I'd gotten the extra security thingy Neutral

Bank:

Quote:

Okay you call the phone no and give them the pin so they can have the MTCN given to you i know is night time now over there and the western union shop is close so there is no way you can be able to go to office and get it from there that is the reason why you try and call the no that as given to you from Janelle and give them the pin for them to be able to give the MTCN No you and please do that fast .

Bret:

Quote:

Just tried calling it myself a few seconds ago--it keeps saying "call failed" for some reason? IDK, I think I remember getting a text about being low on minutes earlier, I dunno if that does that, but...yeah Crying or Very sad

But if it's working for you, could you please try that number I gave you one more time? Like I said, I dunno which Western Union I went to, and I don't think I'll get the chance to drive to...any of them for the next few days Neutral

Keep trying!
I'll be here believing in you!
Good night for real this time. Will be closing my lappy now and going to sleep.[sleep emoji] (Go! Go! I believe!)

Bank:

Quote:

Thats not a problem since you are low on calling card i ill advise you go to any western union shop close to you in the morning and get the MTCN from them it does not matter the western union shop you had it sent from all you need to do is go to any of the location close to you and they will have it fix for you and kindly send us your complete home address and phone no so that we can be able to suggest one that is very close to you that you can be able to walk to and not driving .

Is it just me, or is the lad being super patient with Bret and his aggressive lack of bureaucratic prowess? I think he's really grateful to be working with someone who's not Chet Cool

Bank, a little later:

Quote:

We just had communication with the western union agent and they make us understand that you have to go to the western union shop you had the money sent to get another receipt and the MTCN NO so kindly try your best and do that in the morning your time .
(Yup, no way that conflicting info is gonna confuse Bret Laughing

)

Perhaps someday we will learn the identity of that fateful WU office, but I fear it matters little. Unknown-Hallucinogenic Bret spent a long time wandering the California desert... Who knows the horrors he set in motion Wink

Posted: Sat Dec 16, 2017 5:46 am

The lad's patience with all of these delays is quite astounding. Maybe if Bret goes to the office again to reclaim his fund and send it properly, he's accused of being a scammer and trying to defraud the WU office. Obviously, the lad is to blame for giving bad advice, and the only option now is to proceed with the secure system.

Posted: Mon Dec 18, 2017 4:14 am

To tide us over before the next piece of action, here's the inane-ass conversation Bret had with a couple nights ago:

Quote:

Bret: Yo, any luck with that phone number thingy yet?

Bank: No as we already tried you have to call them again or go to any off the office close to you and get it your self or send us your complete home address and phone so we can fine the closest location close to you and send to you

Bret: Like, any office?

Bank: Yes just go to any of the western union and make complain and they shall give you the MTCN NO and also the western union receipt once you get it kindly forward it to us .

Bret: So like, a western union office?

Bank: Yes just go to western union and give them the information that use in sending it and request that you lost the former receipt that they should give you a new one and once they have it given to you kindly have it send to us so that we can be able to confirm your payment and transfer your funds to your bank account .

Bret: Lol I got confuse for a sec 😝
Bret: So, it doesn't have to be the same one, or it does?

Bank: It doesn't have to be the same one or if you can go to the same i think that will be better.

Bret: So...it doesn't?

Bank: Yes it doesn't and how long time is it going to take you go do that and send the information to us ?

Bret: Idk, it's night time nao 😴
Why did you say same would be better, tho?
Bret: Yeah, thinkin' I'll hit the ol' WU up tomorrow btw these two things i'm doin...

Bank: Yes it could be better because that was the same place you sent it from so am very sure the agent will still recognise you so try your best and do it early in the morning

Bret: So...I'll need my id, and what else...?

Bank: Only your id of course since you have sent the money already all you need to do is go to there office and request that you lost your former WU Paper which is receipt and you need a new one to send to the receiver and once they give it to you have copy of it send to us the email.

Bret: Cool...
Good night, my brösephinos
luv u guys 😘
Bret: Heyyy...
Bret: U luv me too? 😏
(the bank...did not answer...)

Think the lad's incredible patience with him is starting to wear... But I think he understand that Bret needs eternal babysitting, so he doesn't have much of a choice in the matter if he wants to get that $750 Wink

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:28 am

The next day, (Dec. 16) Bret reported in:

Quote:

So, I think I actually do need to got to the one I sent it from, 'cus I went to this I saw just walking down the street and was like, "OMG it's a Western Union thing right there in plain sight just on this street and I've never noticed stuff like that before!" and...it did not go well 😕
So yeah. And I have no earthly idea what the one I went to was, and now they say I do have a MTCN somewhere but I have to call this number, but the number won't get called, and I asked this one guy there "why won't it get called?" and he was like, "I dunno, it's supposed to get called..." and I was like, "but it won't!" And he was like, "Well u need to get it called for this to work and that's the only way to hear the MTCN 'cus you did this extra security thing," and I was like, "That's not gonna happen 'cus it can't," and he was like, "Sorry, bro!"

So i'm just 'totes bummed right not, and definitely not in the Christmas spirit 😞

Bank:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you as we had told you earlier kindly go to the same western union shop where you sent the payment from and get the WU receipt and the MTCN NO and once they have it given to you kindly send it to us so that we can proceed with the transfer of your funds to your bank account as soon as possible . (Nuh-uh Mister, you changed whether or not it had to be the same WU like, a million times. Dis your own damn fault Twisted Evil

)

Bret:

Quote:

Oh, I’m back home in Florida for the holidays for the week. Have u tried that number again, tho?

Bank:

Quote:

Yes we had and they told us to tell you to go to the location where you sent the money from and the MTCN and receipt will be given to you and you have it send it to us . (Did they say that... Rolling Eyes

)

Bret:

Quote:

Nnnnooooooooooo! 😥😥 I won't be back in California for a week, and I don't remember where the heck I went anyway, because tbh my memory of that night is both poor and incredibly inaccurate to physical reality because long story, and I don't know what to doooooooooooo 😖😭 (I told you, dummy, the events of that night are forever lost to time!)

Bank:

Quote:

I will sugest you go to any western union shop close to you and the[b] send another payment there in Florida and when you go back to California you try and fine the location and go back there and collect the money or you call that no and see if you can solve it out with them

Bret:

Quote:

But I don't have $750 more dollars 😥

Bret:

Quote:

Don't you know any other things? Is there a secret website with tips and tricks for this situation that only bank peeps know about? Are you friends with any WU peeps you can call in a favor with and get the thingy? I don't mean to get all up in your personal lives and make you reveal your professional secrets tho, so if you're not comfortable, that's okay, but if it's cool...

Bank:

Quote:

Okay then you try and call that no again or you go to any western union office close to you there and see if you can get the MTCN NO from them and i will also advise you to try and remember where you kept the former western union receipt after you sent it the last time

Bank:

Quote:

In fact we do have western union in our bank and we have already tried to explain things to them from our part and they make us understand that your money is still in tact the only thing you have to do is to try and go back to the same location you sent it from and they will have the information give to you there and if you can be able to tell me the location you sent it from and they will have the information given to you there or call the no they ask you to call this no (Dude. You can't just lie your way out of bureaucratic reality Razz

Yeah, it's made-up bureaucratic reality, but hey, what if it had been real...)

(A hella triggered) Bret:

Quote:

I don't know if I got a number or wtf happened to the receipt or why and the last time I went to a WU office after I went to the first one which I don't remember doing or maybe I do but it was like, all metaphorical and weird--long story--but that office I went to when you said to the other day it did not go well like, at all, like, they were not chill about me being there and I think maybe I accidentally did something that night to mess up their shit, 'cus I totally didn't do the payment from that place 'cus one chick said something like "we wouldn't serve you the other night, and you need to also gtfo today," and I was like "Whaaaaaaaaaat..." but they recognized me and were not chill with me being there and like, there was this security guard comin' over and I was like, "nope!" And I dunno if like, that means i'm on some list with all the WU offices that says "we don't like this guy" and if they like, talk to eachother and be like, "yeah, this dude messed shit up at our place, don't do western unions with him," 'cus like, that was not a fun experience and I don't wanna have to do that again.

Thanks for talking to your western union, tho, that's totes chill of you and i'm stoked to hear the monies are still in tackt.

Bank (with no friggin' clue how you respond to that Laughing

):

Quote:

I think you can also try and visit the western union shop there in Florida and i am sure they will be able to help you out once they know now that you are no longer in California and try and i call this no i am sure they could still be able to help out .

Bret:

Quote:

But i dunno if they talk to eachother and I think i'm hella triggered by WU offices now 'cuas that was a not chill experience and made me feel 'totes bad about myself, and I dunno if they talk to other places in the country or have like, a group text or a message board about customers they don't like

Bank:

Quote:

Yes sure they always have the information in there system (WHAAAAAAAAT??? Shocked

) so kindly go fast to a location close to you get it before they close today .

Bret:

Quote:

They do have like, a blacklist of shitty customers? 😨

Quote:

Bank: Then you collect your money back from them and go and send it through money gram

Bret:You can do that??

Bank: Yes you can do that just go any western union close to you and request for the MTCN NO and if they do not collect your money back and go to money gram and send it .

Bret: But how do you like, collect the money back?

Bank: Just go to any western union shop close to you and do that or go to the same shop you sent the money from .

Bret: But what do you need to do for them to like, give you back your money? Isn't it already like, in the wires or whatever?

Bank: You go there and complain and give them the same information you in sending it and request they give it back to you and they shall give it back to you

Bret: And you don't like, need a receipt to do that? 'Cus as we know, that thing's probably out in the desert somewhere being shit on by baby vultures or some shit, and ain't never getting found 😅

Bank: You need receipt is think is better you go and get the receipt first that will be more better just go and request that they give you a new receipt have you called the no i gave you previously . (Huh. Could Bret waltz in there and get a new receipt, IRL Confused

)

Bret: So...I go to an office, ask to get a receipt, show the receipt to them, and they give you the money back like at a store?
Bret: But like, you said that they do have a blacklist of shitty customers?

Bank:Yes (to which part?!! Shocked

) first try and collect and receipt and send to us after then we tell you what to do

Bret: Thanks. And you said they do have a blacklist of shitty customers?

Bank:No ( Confused

) just go there and give them correct information okay

Bret: So they don't? And you're positive?

Bank: Yes go there now and have it done i am positive about it . (Uh...kay?)

Bret: Awesome! There's a place open now near me?

Bank: Give me your address and phone so i can check if there is any open near you .

Bret: I'm in Gainsville, Florida

Bank: All this location are open from 7am to 10 pm to you can check it out when they are open.
(Once again, the lad nicely provided comprehensive information on 3 different locations nearby, 'cus he just takes such good care of bret Cool

)

Bret: Wow thnx! It's totes not 10pm right now, so Ima go sleepy timezz. 'Night! Love ya! Sweet bank dreamz or whatever

The next day...

Bret:

Quote:

Okay, I found a WU and talked to a guy even though I'm like, 'totes triggered by WU offices now, but the guy was super nice and I only had like, two panic attacks and so I think I'm makin' some real progress with my relationship to Western Union (we should all be so proud of my imaginary boi :') Hope the lad realized how truly strong Bret is being...). But he said in order to get a receipt like, maybe this is just a thing for FL, but you need to have the MTCN ( Laughing

) because otherwise people could steal someone's ID and ask for a receipt and their money back even though they're not that person, so they need the MTCN as like, extra verification, and I do not have that, and he said 'cus I'd done that extra security thing the only way was to call that number. Apparently my pin for that is expired tho, but 'cus he was a chill dude and a really nice guy he generated a new pin for me, so the pin is now, phone number is still +4XXXXXXXXXXX, but like, it still says "call failed on my phone when I try to call it so you're gonna wanna try and do that part 😀

Bank:

Quote:

You should had told me that the calling is failing (Bret did tellz ya, Dummy. Repeatedly Evil or Very Mad

) and they should help you called the no from there and get it done with the pin so that they can give you the MTCN No

Quote:

Bret: Lol yeah that would have been a good idea 😅

Bank: Kindly send to us the payment details which include as soon as the the agent give you the MTCN NO thank you for your understanding .

(I decided to take a break from this one for the holidays, so...)
Bret: Oh, I'm sorta camping in the everglades right now 😅

Bank: Okay good and once you finish your camping you go get it done so that you can receive your funds today . (Yeah, camping...doesn't work like that Laughing

)

(A few hours later... Laughing

)

Bank:This bank wish to inform you that you should try send us the details as soon as as you complete the mtcn no and receipt to enable us confirm your payment and transfer your funds to your bank account .

(The bank then proceeded to send Bret a similar message every couple days... Cool

)

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 1:23 pm

Love the california bro modality. I imagine Chet and Bret looks something like this?

Posted: Sat Dec 30, 2017 11:25 pm

^^Thank you!
My inspiration was actually SNL's "Inside Socal" sketch: http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/inside-socal/n45580?snl=1

Posted: Sun Dec 31, 2017 12:11 am

Part 7: The Prodigal Bret Returns from the Everglades. With a New Modality...

On Christmas, Bret finally wrote:

Quote:

Merry Christmas! We back from the everglades, and guess what, I found a baby snake that some ass-hole douche-wipe prolly left abandoned there as like, an invasive species, so I took it home and now I have a new lil' friend! I'm asking everybody, so you got any naming ideas? Don't know whether it's a boy or a girl 'cus like, idk where the fuck the parts are or if snakes like, have them? So smthing gender neutral would be chill. So, ideas?

I 'totes got time before Christmas dinner to slip to the WU and do the thing. You know if any are open rn? I'm back in Gainesville, Florida btw

Bank (next day):

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that we are in receipt of your email and stated below are the western union location at Gainesville and they are open from 7am to 10 pm so kindly go to any of the location and request they give you the MTCN NO or the payment receipt. and once they have it given to you kindly send to copy of it to enable us confirm your payment and transfer your funds to your bank account .
[Lad provided comprehensive info about 4 WU locations this time! Very Happy

]
(No snake name ideas though Crying or Very sad

Hmm, maybe I'll name it "Maria" to make things confusing...)

And later that day:

Quote:

This bank wish to inform you that we are still waiting to hear from you .

Bret (next day):

Quote:

Hella bad news, my höme-brös, remember how the first pin expired but that hella nice WU man gave me a new one? Well apparently, that pin is expired now, 'cus they only last like, three days 🙁 And like, the WU guy I talked to today says he's never seen this wiggidy-wack-ass security fuck-job I'm apparently signed up for, it's like, a super obscure thing that like some douche-nozzel came up with in like, 2002 or whatever and only got half implemented and they didn't even tell their people that this was a thing 'cept apparently whatever-the-fuck mystery WU I went to when I first sent the monies, but the system won't let them generate a new pin 'cus you "only get 2 failed attempts" and they tried stuff for like, a friggin' hour but the only way to hear wtf my MTCN is is to call the number, but you can't do that without a pin, and I don't get any more pins, so yeah...
There is one way apparently we might be able to get that number and shit, but I sorta...hate it 😳
Like, I'll 'totes tell you what the guy said if you want, but it suuuuuuucks 😩 so... yeah.

Bank:

Quote:

You go and send a new payment through any western union office close to you using the name and address stated below and note that make you send us the payment receipt after you must have completed this payment for us to be able to confirm the payment all you need to do once you complete the payment you take picture of the western union receipt and send to us through our email and make sure you do that for us to be able to confirm the payment and after we must have confirm your payment your funds will be credited inside your bank account .

Name .
Address .121 Building, Off Road, Mombasa - , Mombasa, Kenya

Thank for your understanding and note that once you back from Florida you locate the former office where you sent the previous payment and collect it back from them so kindly act fast with the new payment to enable us complete the payment of your funds transfer to your bank account as soon as possible.

Bret:

Quote:

Dudes? The only way to learn the MTCN is through that phone number. They checked like, super thoroughly for a hecking long time, and that's literally like, the only way to do it. And now we can't even do that since the pin is expired, and I can't get another one because "you only get 2 failed attempts" 😥
Now I think we're gonna have to like, take it of the money you woulda sent me and pay it that way, or the guy says there's this form thing that we could both fill out (both sender and recipient need to do it) that'll make it all okay, but omfg filling out forms suuuuuuuuuuucks 😥😥😥

Bank:

Quote:

It can not be done like that you have to complete the payment and the only help i can do for you now because i know how you really feel i will help you with $250 that it the only money i have with me at the moment (You'd...d-do that? Crying or Very sad

) so you hurry up and pay $500 for the balance using the information that was sent to you you go to money gram shop or any western union shop and stated below s money gram shop details

[Followed by the addresses of 3 WUs in Gainesville, FL]

Bret:

Quote:

Damn, bröe, that's like, the kindest Christmas miracle anyone's ever done for me! Like, OMFG fuuuuuck... That's such a big, kind thing I don't even know wtf, and Christmas might be over, but damn, man! When someone just like, opens their heart like that it really makes Christmas happen any time, and it's beautiful.

So you know what? Keep your money...because if can be good and selfless enough to give a person you've never even met in person before $250 whole dollars, then I can put on my big-boy pants and fill out the stupid form that'll let the WU security-thingy know we're not thieves and give us the MTCN without needing that phone number and pin!

Ima go do that right now.

Peace!

Bret:

Quote:

Oh yeah--since the people on both ends, like, both the sender and the recipient need to fill our different forms, here's the specially form for the recipient (you) that the guy sent me that the recipient (you) needs to fill out, and when you're done just email it to me--'cus like, the sender has to turn-in physical hard-copies of the forms to a WU. 'Cus that's the way they roll, I guess? 😅
[I attached this form: http://www.scambaitingtools.com/forms_archive/WU_AT2009.pdf]

After I sent that email, I noticed that the bank had sent this:

Quote:

You can forget about it if you are not serious i was only helping you to pay me back after you most have receive your funds funds and do it because i see you as young boy and the age of my son and so if you are willing to help your self i will help you out ( Crying or Very sad

) or better still go sort your self out with the western union and get the MTCN or send a new payment.

Then I guess the lad actually took the time to properly read Bret's last couple emails, and said:

Quote:

send us the form

weeeell, not that properly Razz

I resent the form...

Bank:

Quote:

That form have to be filled by you and not us (um, no? Rolling Eyes

) because you are the sender or better still you can forget about the owe things and and go send a new payment.

Bret:

Quote:

I got a slightly different form to fill out, as the sender 🙂 I sent you the one for the recipient, pretty positive about that 'cus when the WU guy sent it to my email, the subject line was "form for recipient" lol
Yeah, both of us got to fill out a form, so they're super sure everyone involved is a super secure person or some shit 😊
Alright, Ima go-get-em-tiger and fill mine out. Then Ima go to bed 'cus it's laaaaaaate. C u in the morning! This form is 'totes gonna be a total pinch for you I'm sure, 'cus you're a bank and banks are like, physically made out of forms and paper work so dis little scrap of a scrap ain't gonna be nuthin' for you lol 😜
See you in the morrow! G'night!

Bank (probably starting to panic Laughing

):

Quote:

Go and collect back your money and go and send it through the money gram .

Bret (the next morning):

Quote:

Trust me, if I coulda gone back and collected my monies, I woulda loooooong ago 😝

Bret:

Quote:

It's cool tho, we gonna fill out these forms and fix everything now 😃 I already started on mine and it doesn't suck as much as I thought it would, so you can just do yours and well be done finally forever 😊

Bank (using zero punctuation Laughing

):

Quote:

This is a bank and that form can not be filled you go back to whatever place you had sent the money from and collect back your money and go send a new payment through money gram.

Bret:

Quote:

Oh no, it's cool, they said the form should work for any recipient.

That's all for now!

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 6:41 am

Bret ignored the bank's subsequent plea to just forget about this and send another $750 through money gram, and sent this:

Quote:

Hey, does your version of the form have that question that just says "red or blue?"

Think it might be one of those test questions, like, when I got checked for learning disabilities back in middle school you filled out a questionnaire and it had a few like, weird questions, stuff like "true or false: I take a cross-country flight from New York to Chicago twice a week," and those weren't to test whether you had a learning disability, but to see whether you were paying attention, 'cus if the person was just filling it out at random and half-assing it, then it wouldn't be accurate and that's something the doc needs to know or it'd screw up the diagnosis, so if someone answered "true" to that weird question the doc would be like, "okay, this guy was just filling it out randomly and this test doesn't reflect whether or not he has a learning disability and shit, so we gotta make him do it again," so I'm thinking that "red or blue" question might be something similar?

But just incase 'cus I don't wanna fuck it up, what did you put for that "red or blue?" question? 'Cus idk what da fuq they want you to say for that 😝

Bank:

Quote:

You fill the form on our behalf and and go give it to the western union and collect your money back and go send the payment in money gram .

Bret:

Quote:

No can do, you gotta be the one to do it. Otherwise that'd be forgery, and I got too many midterm exams to cram for to go to jail 😕

Bank:

Quote:

Your crazy as we do not understand what you are talking about you are not first payemnt to send western union and with all your problem and if you are not ready do as we have instructed you then better still forget about your funds your funds

Bret:

Quote:

Hey, it ain't me that's crazy, it's Western Union lol

It's real simple tho: I can't get my money back without that number, and I can't get that number unless we both fill out this lame-ass form. I already did mine, so if you can get some bank intern or whatever to fill out yours real quick, then I can take 'em into any WU office, learn the number, and we good to go 😊

Bank:

Quote:

You fill it from your side and use the same information you use in sending the funds to fill it out. (Dude! Mad

a) the sender and recipient each have a different form, and b) you was literally just told that was forgery, brö!)

Bret:

Quote:

Told you brö, we got different forms, and each got to do them ourselves 😕

Bank:

Quote:

There is nothing we can do about that and the only thing we can do now is that you go and send a different payment through money gram and get back to us so that we can transfer your funds to your bank account.

Bret:

Quote:

Dang. You sure? 'Cus I don't have $750 more dollars, and you said you talked to the WU in your building and they said the money was still good. So if you could like, put one of your interns or boring-grunt-work people on it tomorrow and fill out the form, that'd like, literally fix everything! Then we'll know the MTCN number and you can go pick up the money right there at the WU in your building! (Remember back during that ungodly long entry where the lad said there was a WU attached to his imaginary bank, and it imaginarily told him that "the funds were intact"? Well, Bret remembered that tidbit Wink

)

And then...
A great miracle happened...
Shocked

Bank:

Quote:

attach is the copy and you should complete it if there is some that was not done well.
Attached were these 6 images:
https://imgur.com/a/gfr1k

Yeah, that was like, the second or third least amount of effort you could put into filling out a form, but it's my first real, earned trophy and I'm happy Very Happy

Bret:

Quote:

Sweet thanks! That looks beautiful! I'll bring 'em on down to WU tomorrow!

...But an entire page left blank? No ID taped to the last page so WU can identify the person picking up the funds? A signature, but no printed name, and no witness signature? WU sure as heck ain't gonna be happy Wink

Posted: Mon Jan 08, 2018 3:45 pm

I love that form! I agree that bad things may happen at the WU office because of the lad's laziness. Maybe Bret could be charged an additional fee for wasting the office's time, further ensuring that the only option for sending the money is to correctly fill out the forms.

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