Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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*** BANNED *** Joined: 26 Jul 2012 Posts: 1123

Like a boss.

Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2015 6:30 pm

Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't, they're not bright enough.

Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell.

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 906

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. There are our rules:-
Please note.... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! strong hints do not work! obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. you can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. if we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing’, we will act like nothings wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics and Sex, Sport, or Cars.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, its like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education.

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 906

One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to make me a new Ark".
Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss".
But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other".
"20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"
"Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers.
"Fish?" Queries Noah.
"Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!"
Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"
"Check".
"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".
"Check".
"And you want it full of Carp?".
"Check"
"But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether.
"Well...." says God,
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"I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 906

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.
2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I wake up screaming.
3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not..
4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
5. I thought that I could love no other, That is until I met your brother.
6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
7. I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face.
8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes, Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Posted: Sun Jan 10, 2016 4:21 pm

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men. Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free! After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking how the trip was. 72% of them gave the same reply, "What trip?”

Laughing

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 906

A homeowner in Alberta wakes up one morning to find a bear on her roof. She looks in the yellow pages and finds an ad for an "Alberta Bear Remover."
So she calls the number and a man says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a12-bore shotgun and a mean looking pit bull dog.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof. Then I'm going to go up and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. Then the bear will become subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the bloody dog!"

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 906

For those of my generation who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.
And it works just like Facebook. I already have four people following me:

Two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 2:08 am

^^^

Posted: Wed Jan 13, 2016 3:08 pm

A Woman And A Man Are Involved In A Car Accident

It’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, ‘Wow, just look at our cars!

There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.’

The man replies, ‘I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!’

The woman continues, ‘And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.’

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and extends it back to the woman.

Politely, the woman refuses to accept the bottle.

The man asks, ‘Aren’t you having any?’

The woman replies, ‘No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…’

Posted: Sat Jan 16, 2016 6:16 am

Posted: Tue Jan 19, 2016 7:24 pm

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.’

His wife rolls over and says, ‘What in the world was that?’ The old man replied, ‘its fart football.’

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, ‘Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.’

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score.’

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, ‘Field goal,

I lead 17 to 14.’ Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, ‘What the hell was that?’

The old man says, ‘Half time, switch sides".

Posted: Fri Jan 22, 2016 5:53 am

Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2016 1:36 am

I'm not sure this exactly counts as a joke, but, having read it, if anyone has a cure for my headache, PM me.

http://loweringthebar.net/2015/02/utah-court-says-woman-can-sue-herself.html

Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2016 8:03 am

^^^^^

You have way too much spare time ....lol

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

t he guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'

Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 2:08 pm

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,

so he asks the biker his name. ‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.

I was born Fred Johnson.

I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.

I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.’

‘After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD,

so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.’

‘Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Posted: Tue Jan 26, 2016 6:09 pm

I went to my nearby pharmacy, straight to the back, where the
Pharmacists’ high counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing. When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I can never go back to that pharmacy again, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!

Something the mods dream up Joined: 22 Apr 2014 Posts: 906

This was sent from Thomas Cook Holidays – listing some of the guests' complaints during the season. (Survey by Thomas Cook and ABTA)
(If any of the following relates to a complaint you made – very sorry you had such a bad time)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned."

"On my holiday to Goa in India , I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."

"We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a waterhole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight
of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

"The beach was too sandy."

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

"We bought 'Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

"No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

"The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

"There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners."

"We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

"I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

"My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact
that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Posted: Wed Feb 03, 2016 8:02 pm

For all of you who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you were not married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona, when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred. "What in bag?" asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: "Good trade!"

Posted: Thu Feb 04, 2016 1:27 am

^^^

2 wishes

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please".

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something; but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

2The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big rear and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 6:45 pm

[

Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 6:48 pm

Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 6:49 pm

Posted: Fri Feb 05, 2016 10:14 pm

Not a great example of safe baiting, but funny.

http://imgur.com/gallery/zgCQd

Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2016 8:57 pm

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