Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

By joining our community you will have the ability to post topics and access other forums reserved for members. Registration is quick, simple and absolutely free. Join our community today by clicking here.

Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2014 10:54 pm

The purpose of this Joke of the Day thread is to provide a place to post jokes and random funny items of interest. It is not the place to post videos. Please post videos in the *** FUNNY / INTERESTING VIDEOS THREAD ***

The rules of this thread are:

* Don't post links to anything which is indecent, illegal, in bad taste or offensive. A sentence that briefly describes it in a decent way is fine.

* Please keep those "Picture which screams at you" links to a minimum. They are obnoxious and get tiring quickly.

* Comments on the previous link may be made if short and if accompanied by another new link. No post should be without a link. Jokes can also be posted in text form, but must include a link to the source.

* Please remember that many people read this thread from work, and links to questionable images could cause them trouble with an employer.

This thread will be culled and restarted each time it reaches 25 pages.

If you'd like to see previous threads you'll find them here:

Original Joke of the Day Thread

Last Joke thread

Have fun! Very Happy

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:42 pm

World Cup refund

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pins to complete the transaction.

Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 5:46 pm

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 6:11 pm

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 21 Jul 2014 Posts: 6

Ok WillEater asked that the post be moved here:
so here goes:

New Dating Site..

Link removed here, too - bware419ers

At least it wasn't a goat or a wheely bin.

Hope ya'll ENJOY - and as I said in my New Member post if anyone has any ideas on site content (like what kinda scam would you expect on a site like this, lol???) I am open to suggestions!
Thanks

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 7:46 am

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 7:49 am

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 8:44 pm

Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 8:46 pm

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:30 pm

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:34 pm

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:36 pm

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:37 pm

Posted: Fri Jul 25, 2014 7:39 pm

Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:28 pm

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

8. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, OR the store will stop selling it!!

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:31 pm

As I have grown older.....I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore….. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Lance Armstrong.....I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By.....A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bastard!

The Agony of Aging On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended.....I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his private part with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".

Video Scam.....Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute.....Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"; "Hey dumb ass, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart

Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2014 6:39 pm

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”

“Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.

My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?

Posted: Tue Jul 29, 2014 8:15 pm

Posted: Fri Aug 08, 2014 5:33 pm

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 13 Jan 2014 Posts: 698

From a book entitled "Out of The Mouths of Babes...", by Helen Lynas.

Groups of small children were asked a series of questions Here are a few of the answers

If you could be anything in the World, what would you be?

Gemma, aged 8 - A shire horse
Louis, aged 4 - A granddad
JL, aged 6 - A snake so I could bite my sisters
Hayley, aged 6 - I would like to be a rabbit, so people could stroke me

What's the best thing about Mums and Dads?

Posie, aged 7 - Dads get rid of mums' head lice
Hannah, aged 6 - They give you baths
Catherine, aged 5 - My Dad gives piggie-backs

What does your Mum or Dad do that annoys you most?

Sara, aged 11 - They are OK, but the things that annoy me are my Mum singing and my Dad going to the toilet too long
Tim, aged 10 - When they say I'm not allowed to swing from the shed roof
Tom, aged 10 - My Dad annoys me when he eats. His jaw clicks like mad
Harry, aged 7 - They ask questions

What do you like, or dislike about sisters and brothers?

Edward, aged 5 - Her nappy smells
Gwilym, aged 7 - I'd love to have a sister so I can rip up all her barbies

She is ugly and bossy and gets everything she wants (Name withheld to save the writer from a bashing)

Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2014 3:36 am

Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2014 3:42 am

Posted: Tue Aug 12, 2014 9:10 pm

http://members.419eater.com/~agnomen/LieDetector.tiff

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 8:37 am

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2014 8:47 am

Billy Conolly was giving a performance in Brisbane many years ago. His languae as usual was somewhat colorful.

A man in the front row took offence to it and said,

"I did not bring my wife here to be insulted like that'.

To which Billy replied,
'Where do you normally take her then'

He was banned from Brisbane and did not go there again for over 20 years

Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day	View next topic View previous topic