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 The Bank Job

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redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 7:42 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Tragically, my real life job is taking me from my new favorite hobby (for a few months at least). This is my longest running bait so far, and the one I think has been most fun. Names are hashed to protect the guilty. IPs track to Accra, Ghana.

The Characters:
H0ward J0hns0n, famous but paranoid director of Thund3r F1lms, Hollywood - Me
Xu3 Ch0ng, shady banker at CITIC Bank International Ltd, Hong Kong - Lad
Arn0ld [email protected], the clueless but helpful banking contact at Inv3st3c Private Bank, United Kingdom - Lad
[email protected] Sm1th, heroic auditor here to save us from the scammers - Lad


The initial email from Xu3 was a whopping 18 paragraphs/2300 words long. Confuse them with verbosity, perhaps? In spite of that, there was nothing in the original email that stood out. It's a basic bank scam, with a shady banker working with me to "liberate" abandoned funds to the tune of $13,991,674. If anything stood out about the letter, it was the proper use of the English language.

Notable quotes:

Xu3 Ch0ng said:
Quote:
It is necessary to inform you that under no condition should you contact me via official channels; I will simply deny knowing you and about this project. I repeat, I do not want you contacting me through our official lines neither do I want you contacting me through my official email account. Contact me only through this email address above; I do not want any direct link between you and me. My official lines are not secure lines as they are periodically monitored to assess our level of customer care in line with our Total Quality Management policy, please observe this instruction religiously.

(Which makes me wonder if the ID Xu3 sent belongs to a real person.)

Quote:
Please, again, note I am a happily married woman with kids

(More sympathetic? Prefers no unwanted advances? Seemed odd in the context of the letter.)

She's in luck! H0ward J0hns0n is looking for a way to break out in Hollywood.

H0ward J0hns0n said:
Quote:
I am, of course, interested in helping you liberate these funds. They would be of great benefit to my movie.

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***

Last edited by redo on Fri Jul 12, 2013 5:53 pm; edited 2 times in total
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redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 7:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A series of pointless exchanges follow. Xu3 sends H0ward several follow-up emails, again needlessly long and verbose, essentially asking "are you sure?" to which H0ward essentially replies, "yes, get on with it."

Finally, H0ward loses his short temper with the pointless emails and replies:
Quote:
Of course I'm serious. Are you going to send me another email asking if I'm really really sure? Let's get this started.


This elicits another painfully dense letter (11 paragraphs), but we're finally getting somewhere.

Xu3 said:
Quote:
Before we commence all this things, I will need to do the paper work that will place you as the beneficiary of the fund so I will need you to send me a copy of any form of your identification (Driver's license, work ID or International passport), your current residential address and your phone number, I will give them to the attorney who will do the paper work and it will also prove me that I am transacting with the correct person and as soon as I get these from you I will commence the paper work that will place you as the beneficiary.


H0ward has no problem sending a copy of a renamed .SYS file...ahem...driver's license and a phone number. But an address? He's a famous director! If his address gets out, he'll be hounded mercilessly by paparazzi. He demands Xu3 promise not to reveal his address.

Xu3 misses the demand entirely (and apparently the fact that the ID won't open), because she merrily proceeds with the script, another 7 paragraph whopper of an email. H0ward is having none of that. He refuses to proceed unless she pinky swears not to release his home address or talk to his secretary.

Ah, she paid attention this time!

Xu3 said:
Quote:
Firstly, i want to assure you that i will never contact Thund3r F1lms directly about any of these conversations, and i will never mention any details of this transaction to your secretary if she answers the phone, you can be assure of utmost confidentiality on my part as my husband here is even not aware of this transaction, because i intend to keep the details secret until the funds are in our full possession.


Reassured, H0ward agrees to contact the banker in the UK and open an account for the funds.

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***

Last edited by redo on Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 8:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Enter Arn0ld [email protected], Xu3's contact in the UK. He shares Xu3's pointless verbosity. The amount of work the lads put in on this script is impressive.

Arn0ld [email protected] said:
Quote:
Tick boldly your desire type of account you wish to operate with us.


H0ward has no idea what kind of account he needs. Could they explain again? In greater detail? After more pointless exchanges, the three of us determine the correct account for the job will require a $950 initial deposit.

They send H0ward an account application to fill out. Horrors, they're asking for his home address again! One person in China might be fine, but a whole bank having access to such sensitive information? Preposterous. The only thing for it is to demand a Non-Disclosure Agreement.

The first attempt is signed, but they didn't initial next to each paragraph. It simply won't do. They have to do it over. Unfortunately, our lads aren't the brightest bulbs and have no idea what "initial" means. Always a bit of a bigot, H0ward takes the opportunity to point out how much better Yanks are than Brits:

H0ward said:
Quote:
You mean you limeys don't initial contracts in the UK? Good heavens, no wonder I live in the US.


H0ward explains it to them in excruciating (and possibly confusing) detail. After several days of emails, the dim bulbs light up, and the "content is well notes and understood." I receive a second scan of my NDA.

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***
View user's profileSend private message
redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 8:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Tragedy strikes! H0ward's secretary was trying to scan her boobs and broke the scanner. He can't submit the application. Will a few randomly generated facts in an email work? And then H0ward promptly leaves for a yachting holiday over the weekend.

Xu3 is not happy:
Quote:
I have not heard from you after four days and this is not proper for a transaction of such magnitude, personally I have had a tight schedule for the past few days but I expected you to have had the account processed during this period, and to my surprise I am yet to get feedback from you regarding the status of your account.

I want to know the present situation, have you contacted them, do you have the account ready. I believe the delay could be as a result of certain administrative procedures, but by now it ought to have been activated.As soon as you have this account active, I will like to have the correct details of this account.

I shall still be expecting to get a confirmation from you, but the transfer will not take effect until I have an affirmative word from you after it has been activated.If eventually we do the transfer tomorrow morning, the money will hit your account after about 8-10 hours, and you will give me a confirmation of your balance.

If I don't get this confirmation from you today before closing hours here in Hong Kong then no action will be taken, I will have wait for you.

Please before informed that all arrangements have been set in place to effect the transfer tomorrow morning Hong Kong time, but not until I have solid a word from you.

I shall be expecting a positive feedback from you.


Such an attitude from someone H0ward is going out of his way to help. Tsk. We can't have that.

The following Monday, H0ward said:
Quote:
Calm down please. The bank did not complete the NDA until Friday afternoon. Weekends are very busy for a man like me. Most of my work is done by making connections with important and famous people.


And because dearest Arn0ld is such an accommodating chappy, the account is all ready to go. All that he needs is the initial deposit...into a piggy Closed lad accounts x1 The piggy is in the US and a quick search on Whitepages shows the owner is a real person, so I message Rooted (my mentor) the contact information. Hopefully if the account owner is a victim, she can be warned.

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***
View user's profileSend private message
redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 8:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The lads go silent. I suspect they've twigged somehow. H0ward sends a couple ranty emails about their unprofessional behavior, and then I archive them.

Then, three days later, they're back, apologizing profusely for their lack of communication.

Xu3 said:
Quote:
I sincerely apologize for the delay in responding to your emails, I have had a very busy schedule for the past week, we are at the end of the fiscal year in my bank and I was extremely busy preparing the financial report which will be submitted to our headquarters on Monday 9th, the annual general meeting of our board of directors is in less than three weeks.Please do not feel offended,this transaction would be executed according to our arrangements,I am happy for your diligent commitment.


H0ward lets Xu3 know exactly what he thinks of her excuses:
Quote:
I am not accustomed to be kept waiting. Your reports are not my concern. My confidence in your ability to complete this transaction has been SEVERELY shaken. If you can't balance creating a report with replying to a simple email, are you truly capable of following through on this transfer of funds?


But he's a forgiving fellow for all his rough words.

Quote:
That said, I am continuing to move forward with bank account. I received the information I needed in order to transfer the initial deposit money, and I will take care of that this afternoon.


H0ward initiates the transfer and then leaves for the weekend for his award presentation in Canada, confident that nothing could possibly go wrong with the bank.

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***
View user's profileSend private message
redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 10, 2013 9:00 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

H0ward returns to find annoyed emails from Arn0ld, who never received the initial deposit. How strange!

H0ward looks into it and discovers the problem, taking the opportunity to deeducate the lads:
Quote:
The bank account you gave me will not work for the transfer. Federal-level banks like mine do not perform transfers to tiny state-level banks like Waukesha. My banker informs me that they are on completely different systems under different regulatory agencies. I will need an account from a federal bank to perform a transfer.


Once again, Arn0ld is highly accommodating. Along comes Closed lad accounts x 2, this time from a federal bank in California, again tied to a real person. I file the proper reports, and H0ward leaves early for a business dinner.

The next morning, H0ward finds something terrible in his Inbox. It's a threat on his life from Sp1ke [email protected], the international assassin! And the cur has his address.

Where else would such a lowlife get H0ward's address except from those two-faced liars at the bank?

H0ward gives Arn0ld a piece of his mind, replete with capped words and misspellings:
Quote:
LOOK WHAT I RECEIVED THIS MORNING!!! SOmeone hired a killer and gave them my address. you signed an NDA, don't try to tell me it was someone else, its no coincidence that the week after I send you my information i have a hired KILLER coming after me

If I live through this I will SUE YOU FOR EVERY LAST PENNY. You are dirty and dishonest and untrustworthy, you are in league with my enemies, youll be hearing form my LAWYER!!!!!1!


And then shares the love with Xu3 as well:
Quote:
Xue the bank you sent me to has DOUBLE CORSSED ME!!! I got an email from a hired KILLER This motning, my enemies have my address and they are coming after me, DO SOMETHING THIS IS YOUR FAULT

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***

Last edited by redo on Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:19 am; edited 1 time in total
View user's profileSend private message
redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:18 am Reply with quoteBack to top

The lads go quiet. I guess they aren't equipped to deal with a certified assassin Laughing H0ward sends Xu3 a message on Friday, indicating he has paid off the assassin and is ready to resume the deal, as long as it isn't done through the evil Arn0ld and his bank.

Sunday, a new character enters the picture. Meet [email protected] Sm1th, auditor from London! He caught some suspicious activity in Arn0ld's accounts and wanted to warn me. My hero Rolling Eyes

[email protected] Sm1th said:
Quote:

ARE YOU DEAD OR ALIVE

In the course of our General Auditing and Account revision of this quarter of the year 2013, we discovered that the Bank Accounts belonging to some Benefactors have been changed on the basis that the owners have died some time last year or have given out an authorization note of change of data.

After the investigations however, it was revealed that there are Foreigners who are collaborating with Retired Staffs to make these changes illegally without the knowledge of the Bonafide Benefactors and one traced to your own change is this Mr. Arn0ld [email protected] who said you are dead, hence they have forwarded some documents of funeral service held for you so as to divert your fund.

They have also forwarded this bank account below as the new account that will receive this money.
<bank account snipped>

But we wanted to confirm if actually this is true and hence decided to write to your email address which after 2 days from now and there is no response, we will then know that you are dead indeed and go on with the transfer. If proved otherwise by you that you did not die, please forward to us all the related Benefactors particulars including your Telephone number, contact address. Copy of your ID these details from you will help to assist us reach a conclusion that you are not dead.

Anything contrary to this claim will help us charge this man to court and prosecute him while your fund will be paid to you immediately without any further delay. You have to get back to us on time for us to commence legal proceedings against this Mr. Arn0ld [email protected] and his Associates and his accomplices.

Note: to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, and also stop what ever you are doing with them it is for your own good Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks

Yours in Service,
M1ke Sm1th (Head Auditor) [He signs his email with the wrong name Smile ]
Rh0unda [email protected] (secretary)


I have no idea whether this bank account is real, but I reported it to Alan just in case.

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***
View user's profileSend private message
oscarpiles
Custard Kitty Cat


Joined: 13 Apr 2012
Posts: 5904
Location: Getting Buff for Pikey Swimsuit Season


PostPosted: Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:49 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I love this:

Quote:
Note: to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body,


Great Fun and Congrats on the Swine!

_________________
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redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:07 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^ Thanks! Having a great time with these lads. They sent me another "fishy" email today.

[email protected] Sm1th said:

Quote:
Good Day Sir we are sorry for the late responds top your mail, We have watched with a lot of concern regarding the incredible approach to your payment by the parties concerned. Indeed, an international payment of such magnitude is not rigorously handled the way these self styled parties are handling your payment project. The world bank regional auditors here in London are of the opinion that the parties handling this payment are trying to subject you to endless upfront payment exercise in order to frustrate you. [the lads are educating me now?] These men are also known for their international links with some fund diversion mafias from Lebanon.

Our basic concern is to instigate a transparent World bank payment processes which are not obtainable the way these men are handling your payment project. From all indications, your payment is supposed to be concluded even before now but these men are applying rules that are bound to frustrate you out of this payment.

Your payment has been programmed for transfer through certified banking ethics by HSBC Bank here in London which has been working with the World bank as an affiliate since 1978. The world bank is working very hard to protect innocent beneficiaries like you from organized rip off by corrupt cartel of this fools. The world Bank would not tolerate any divergence of this piece of information to this same men who are now under the security surveillance of the DEBT RECONCILIATION and World Bank . A form has been carefully attached to this mail, Carefully fill in the required information and return back via- attachment to the address and names stated below to enable the HSBC consultants commence the process of direct wire transfer of your fund to your designated bank account.

We sincerely apologize for this change but if you choose to go otherwise, the risk is at your peril. for you to get your fund paid to you stop what ever you are dealing with this people or another groups. I will help you to make sure you get your fund only if you can comply with this office and follow my advice

This so called Mr. Arn0ld [email protected] and his group wanted to divert your fund for their own personal use. this issued has been reported to the Scotland Yard Police and the Interpol here, so right now Mr. Arn0ld [email protected] has been declare wanted so be very carefully what ever you are doing with any body, remember We told you not to release this information to Mr. Arn0ld [email protected] and his groups or to another people, the British government has taking this case of yours very serious the only thing we need from you is to keep your mouth shot so we can fish all this people any where they are, be rest assure that you fund most be transfer to you once you comply with this office and follow the Right Due Process of the British Government Law.

Also we need a copy of Your ID to confirmed we are dealing with the right person. Also I promise to make sure you receive your Fund. once you comply with this commission and follow my advice

Waiting to hear from you fast.


Thanks
Regards

Yours in Service,
[email protected] Sm1th (Head Auditor) [He fixed his sig]
Rh0unda [email protected] (secretary)

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***
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mimicat
Baiting Guru


Joined: 21 Nov 2010
Posts: 2200


PostPosted: Tue Jun 18, 2013 1:06 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^ You actually read what they say?? Laughing
Keep them piggies coming. Wink

_________________
Closed lad accounts X-285
X-154
Easter Egg 2013
View user's profileSend private message
redo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 20 May 2013
Posts: 687
Location: Pushing lads' buttons


PostPosted: Fri Jul 12, 2013 5:53 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

They twigged and moved on. Ah well, I left the door open for them in case they ever come crawling back. Because I'm nice like that Smile

_________________
Porky, Petunia, & progeny:
Closed lad accounts Closed lad accounts
Closed lad accounts x23

Ghana

Safari Mr. Cheater, Lagos to SH Accra

"to help us fish this people out any where they are this massage should not be forwarded to them or any body, Be very carefully what ever you are doing with these crocks" - Mark Smith
"Please proceed immediately and stop playing on yourself. Am i understood!!!??" - Barr. David
"Now i know you need to visit Rehab. Simple English you can't understand and you keep playing games, I regret having you here, please stop sending me emails." - Barr. David again
"I am sorry to say you lack gurts" - Bernard Hill

***Pimp Your Ride***
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