Meet Harvey Colon

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Hello I'm New here! Joined: 24 Apr 2013 Posts: 2

I've been running spammers in circles for a couple years. I had no idea there was a forum dedicated to this! I feel like I've come home <3

I created an alter ego for this task. Harvey is a slovenly, neurotic, womanizing New Yorker. Thankfully, spammers don't seem to mind this as long as they think they'll be getting his money!

This was the first really successful bait I've done.

I got this email from a lovely lady in the UK named Theresa:

Quote:

Subject: Need A PlaceTo Stay.
From: [email protected]
Date: Sun, 21 Aug 2011 19:06:23 +0200

Hello,
Please tell me if this is still available. I Got your message concerning the room and I will really appreciate it if i can get the room from you. Am 27 years old female presently in the UK. Let me know the bills per month and also to know the method of payment you would prefer.
Try to get me the pictures of the room so I can know what it looks like and kindly tell me little about your self. I will await for your response later today .

Hope to hear from you soon.
Teresa

Harvey loves young women in the UK! He wasted no time in replying:

Quote:

Hello Teresa,

Thanks for your quick reply! You are the only person I've heard back from, I was beginning to worry that I wouldn't find a roommate.

You are 27 and female you say? That's perfect. I trust your face is symmetrical. This is very important.

Your share of the rent would be $795 per month. I know this place is expensive but it is really beautiful, trust me. You can submit your payment by check.

Attached are pictures of the shared living room and what will be your room. I hope you will find them sufficient.

I'm SO glad you asked me to tell about myself. I would love to, and also because I need to lay down some rules before you get here.

-I am 4 feet 9 inches tall and weigh 500 pounds.
-I am very athletic and spend at least 10 minutes on the rowing machine every week.
-My favorite foods are: Beef tallow and flour.
-I have luxurious brown hair and I am balding just a little. Luckily I have luxurious brown hair all over the rest of my body too. Not balding there!
-I like sexy beautiful women from the UK with symmetrical faces.

Here are some rules:

-If your face is not symmetrical you must cover half of it with half a paper bag whenever you are in my presence. Please draw symmetrical features on the bag.

- You are not allowed to complain about my 'smell'. I have a natural masculine odor that I think is appealing but some people can't appreciate it. I hope you are not one of those people.

- Don't touch the pile of jelly on top of the dishwasher. I'd prefer if you didn't look at it either. It's my private jelly.

-There is not enough space in your room for a bed so you will have to share my bed with me at night. I hope this is ok with you. I promise I will keep you warm. I have a rash that may or may not be contagious so just fyi. You might want to wear long pants and sleeves. Also, you aren't afraid of bugs are you?

-You may wake up partially or fully unclothed. This is because something is wrong with my bed. It happens to me too so don't worry.

-You are not allowed to speak unless invited to.

-The refrigerator does not open. It works, it just won't open.

-The toilet has not flushed in over a year. It is still usable but you may need to "hover" because there's somewhat of a "collection" that's leaving the confines of the bowl. I still sit on it to pack it down and make more room. But I know ladies like to stay clean.

I can't wait to meet you! Smile

-Harvey

For the photos, I googled the most horrific hoarder's shitholes I could find and lovingly tacked them onto the message:

[img]http://i.imgur.com/e1aP3vU[/img] [img]http://imgur.com/R0bmvMV[/img]

Surely she would be totally disgusted and run for the hills, right?
But no, Theresa must be awfully desperate! I'd hate to see the places she turned down!

Quote:

Hello Harvey,
Thanks for the mail,concerning the payment for the apartment my Boss can pay you via credit card transfer. Since he will be making payment for the 1st & 2nd months rent with other fee. He`s touring Europe presently & said sending the funds via credit card transfer is secured,faster & reliable. Since i am coming over to Canada 1st week in September i was thinking that he can pay you via credit card transfer since it`s instant payment & stress free...
So i urge you to let`s get the transaction possible so that he can complete it & you can get the apartment ready for me to pack in it soonest.

Thanks alot i look forward to hear back from you.

SCORE. Harvey wasted no time in replying:

[url]Hi Teresa!! Wow, I'm glad you are so eager to come live with me! I just know we will be best of friends and be together forever. Forever and ever.

Before anything transpires though, can you send me a photo of your face? I can tolerate some dysymmetry (with a bag like I mentioned), but if your features are too uneven this just won't work out. So if you can kindly send me a photo of your face (including neck) this will be wonderful. I have attached a photo of myself. I've been told I'm handsome...what do you think? Wink

[/url]

I then googled the most unfortunate-looking man I could find and slipped that into an attachment to assault her eyes with (censored because holy shit that is a serious case of moobs):

[img]http://imgur.com/wSG0PYi[/img]

Not weak of constitution, Theresa replied again:

Quote:

Hello Harvey,
Thanks alot for help out with the room i know we gonna be best of friends also & we staying together will be fun! I attached a picture of mine to this email i am getting ready to come over i got only few more days to come over to Canada so my boss is ready to make payment for the room & other fee charges.... Since he`s making payment via credit card transfer he will be needing the details below to enable him make the payment.

Credit Credit Issuing Bank :
Name On Credit Card:
Credit Card Number :
Credit Card Limit :

Thanks.
Teresa Wardlaw.

The scammer then attached this photo of "her"self. When I saw it I just about died laughing. I seriously had to run to the can so I didn't piss myself.

[img]http://imgur.com/WVs9feb[/img]

Be still Harvey's heart! It was love at first sight! He pounded the keyboard with his ham fists in reply:

Quote:

My goodness, Teresa, you're lovely! I like the fact that you are slim. You'll need to be to navigate through my collections of valuable items in my house. Some of the hallways are a tiny bit narrower than others.
Although you've got your head tilted at a slight angle, making it hard to see you straight on, your face appears to have pleasing symmetry. This is good. Please start applying lotion to your face nightly so that it will be supple for when the "time comes".

One small problem now...I don't currently have a credit card. I used to, but I went far over my limit at http://www.gloryholedoughnuts.com/. I love donuts. I have at least one at every meal. By the way, you are allowed to watch me eating them but you are not allowed to have any.
So, is there another form of payment your boss could use to submit to me? Sorry for the inconvenience.

Talk again soon, sweetie! Wink

Harvey

Uh oh! I don't think Theresa liked the fact that he doesn't have the ability to quickly transfer payment to her. Harvey waited patiently for a couple weeks, then emailed her again:

Quote:

Heyyyyy Teresa, I haven't heard from you in awhile. Are you all right? Are you still coming to stay with me? I miss our conversations. Let me know what the plans for the move are!

Your bestest (BOY!)friend in the whole wide world,
Harvey

This email sadly returned this error:

Quote:

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently:

[email protected]

Technical details of permanent failure:
Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 554 554 delivery error: dd This user doesn't have a yahoo.com account ([email protected]) [-5] - mta1247.mail.ac4.yahoo.com (state 1 Cool

.

I'm sure poor Harvey cried himself to sleep that night.

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 24 Apr 2013 Posts: 2

After a period of mourning, Harvey was contacted by a nice lady by the name of Christy Walton. Gasp! None other than one of the heiresses to the Wal-Mart franchise! What could she want?

Quote:

From: "Mrs.Christy Walton" <[email protected]>
Date: March 5, 2013, 2:13:37 AM EST
To: Recipients <[email protected]>
Subject: [SPAM detected by EngUSM] please keep this confidential
Reply-To: [email protected]

My Dearest,

Greeting to you my dear Brothers and Sisters the good people of this
planet earth i am writing you this e-mail not to disturb you but to ask
for your assistant based on my personality, and my present condition in
life and in particular what i intend doing for CHARITY.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton a widow and businesswoman, an American Citizen.
The intention of this email is to employ the expertise of a Charity minded
individual, who can identify a viable and guarantee reasonable
distribution of my wealth to the needy i worth $ 22.5 billion Dollars
which rated me as the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.
As the going says Money is not everything on earth, is painful now to let
the world now know my present condition as a cry for help I have been
suffering from a Heart disease for the passed 22 years, and just few weeks
ago my Doctors in America told me I have few months to live. and my WILL
been with my Lawyer which my Family is aware about, but no body is aware
about the 40% of my Bank Worth which is $9,000,000,000 (Nine Billion
United State Dollars).

I intend to give to CHARITY because have not seen anybody from my Family,
Relations and Friends which i trust can help me out, because i always have
this DREAM to help CHARITY and i have always promise my self that i most
do this very big at my end time to CHARITY, can i please trust you to help
me Donating to CHARITY Organization this heavy amount of Money because i
have just 2 Months left to die, and as I am writing you this email i am
full of Tears as I await my calling from God.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further
and please keep this confidential.

NAME......................
ADDRESSES..................
COUNTRY:....................
NUMBER.....................
OCCUPATION.................
AGE........................

God Bless You.
Mrs.Christy Walton

She didn't seem to be interested in romance, but Harvey didn't care. He was starved for human interaction at this point.

Quote:

Hello Christy! I am indeed a good person of planet earth! When I was a kid I used to believe I was from Saturn but my mom beat that belief out of me. You haven't disturbed me at all. I was just sitting around in my underwear watching reruns of Three's Company, like I do every day. I think your personality is fantastic so far! Where'd you buy it?

Wow, I just happen to be a charity minded individual! It's all I can think of! Charity charity charity! I had to go to the doctor to get special medicine because I started losing my mind thinking about charity!

22.5 BILLION?? Wow!! That's a lot of money! How did you get it all? I invented robotic underwear which I thought would make a lot of money, but nobody wants them. I don't understand why! Who wouldn't want a pair of underwear that can put itself on for you? I mean yeah there is the risk of "crotch mangling" and slight "forceful hair depillation" in the area, but that's only 46% of the time. And I bet you each of those times was because the test group didn't follow all 10 directions for use on the label. I mean come on they're in large print, it's not rocket science.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear you have heart disease. My doctor warned me that I could get it too if I don't stop eating deep-fried pork rind donutwiches for every meal. He doesn't understand how good they taste, so I can't be too angry at him for bugging me about it. Plus, you know what? If my heart can't handle a man's meal like that, then I've got a wimp heart, and I'd rather be dead than live with a sissy wimp heart.

Listen, Christy. I want to help you give all your heavy money to charity. Can I pick the charity? I was thinking about "Brine Shrimp Saddlers of America", "National Association for Donating Slippers" (or NADS for short, heh heh, NADS), or "Bingo Token Refurbishers of the South Pole". All reputable charities, I can assure you.

A couple weeks ago, I was also full of tears. It made me dizzy. No wait, beers. I was full of beers. I was drunk, Christy.

Here's all my details! Please protect them from identity thieves and scammers!!

NAME......................Harvey Colon
ADDRESSES..................143 5th St., New York, NY 300056
COUNTRY:....................USA
NUMBER.....................2 ( at least I think that's my favorite, it used to be 5)
OCCUPATION.................Cheese technician
AGE......................47 1/2

No, God bless YOU!

Love, Harvey

Christy must have been happy to hear from him! She sent a veritable novel in response.

Quote:

Hello,

I received your mail, and the content therein. I will be so happy and appreciative if you will help me achieve the goal of this project. You see as a matter of fact I will first of all like you to view my photographs and international passport which I have attached with this e-mail for you to get a proper view of me and also a photograph with the FIBI Bank Plc United Kingdom Branch Manager Mr. M.M Bergman.

Thanks for kind your response to my email and am so happy that a man of God is willing to help me. You see life is what we all will live behind on a very good day, meaning we all on this earth are going to die one after the other but the important thing is that we should live a good remarkable life while still on earth.

If you know you are ready to help me in giving to Charity my 40% Bank Worth which is $9,000,000,000 (Nine Billion United State Dollars) to Charity due to my present health condition, you can have to yourself 20% of the funds which is $1,800,000,000 (One Billion, Eight Hundred Million Dollars ) after it is been transfer to you.

Please kindly use your Godly mind in assisting me for you will have no problem whatsoever till the end of this transfer.

I really like you to have an understand why am going this, id because of the news I got from my Doctor here in London, he told me that my health problem is becoming something else and I only need the grace of God to serve it. So because this I have chosen to give all that I have to God own lovely people who can't avoid so many thing to them self as a result of poverty.

Now I will await your swift response to enable us proceed further,
Thanks.

Mrs. Christy Walton.

I especially enjoyed the poorly photoshopped passport.

Well! Harvey was only too eager to reply!

Quote:

Hi Christy! You received both my email AND the content therein?? Great! Usually people only get one or the other from me. Glad to see Gmail came through for once am I right?

Whoa, Christy! You are a stunning lady! You have such glorious curly locks! Okay, spill it - is it a perm or is it natural? I tried to get a perm once, but they kicked me out of the salon and threatened to call the police! Can you believe that? They said they "don't do below-the-belt perms". I don't know why since all that hair was plenty long enough, plus it was freshly washed just that week. Anyway I went and got a home kit and did it myself. Christy, did you know that those chemicals burn like the fire of a thousand angry suns?

Let me have a closer look at those pictures there! Hey, I know that guy in the background in the first once! His name is Joey Joe Joe Junior Shabadoo. It's the worst name I've ever heard but he's a nice guy. Where'd you meet him? I met him in a seedy area of Manhattan, kinda ran into him in an alley, he said he was "friends" with some "guys" and needed "help" hiding a "body". He did the air quotes for all those things I quoted so I can only assume that he actually meant something else by them. I helped him dump his "body" in the river (I just did the air quotes myself for reals when I typed that) and he joked afterwards that if I told anyone he'd have to kill me. That Joey, what a card!

Now looking at the second pictu---AHH LOOK OUT THAT PLANT IS GOING TO GET YOU!! Hahaha. Made you jump, didn't I? That joke never gets old.

Nice passport. That eagle looks totally happy. Most pictures of eagles I see they look kind of mad, like someone keeps playing practical jokes like I just did, like for instance some other bird sneaks up behind the eagle while it's eating a fish or something and yells "AHHH LOOK OUT THAT FISH IS STILL ALIVE AND IS GOING TO GET YOU!" and then the eagle jumps and is all scared and then realizes that the fish is really dead and that other bird is a jerk, and then his face looks permanently mad because this happens all the time. I moonlight as a biologist so I know this kind of stuff.

That last picture, I don't know that guy but, uhhh...sorry that you lost your arm. Was it painful? I've lost at least 4 arms to weasel attacks when I was a kid. It really, really, really, really hurt. YES before you ask I can regenerate limbs. I happen to be one of the few people who can do so. Doctors tried to transplant my cells into amputees but they all died horrible thrashing deaths a few minutes later, so they stopped trying. Plus I don't think this is a "gift" (air quotes IRL again) that anyone else would want. When it's in the middle of the regeneration stage my arm looks like a slimy red flipper. I used to chase the girls around at school with my flipper and they ran and screamed like a rabid hellhound was on their tail. Plus it is really hard to hold a pencil.

Anyway, enough about me! How did you know I was a man of God? I used to be a priest back in the day. I was excommunicated after a couple months. Totally wrongfully if you ask me. Nowhere in the bible does it say that you can't bless people with a solid knee to the face. It's not my fault all those elderly ladies had glass jaws.

Wow, really? I can have $1,800,000,000? Wow! Thanks! I could absolutely use all that! I could afford to use Krispy Kreme donuts in my deep-fried pork rind donutwiches!! I currently use Dunkin' Donuts which really miss the mark. "America Runs on Dunkin'" is their slogan. More like "Dunkin gives me the runs".

I will do my best to use my Godly mind to help you! Do you need a knee in the face?

Oh no, your heart condition is becoming something else? What is it? I once ate some weird-looking mushrooms that some stranger gave me and EVERYTHING became something else. My feet became giant slugs, I saw cars turn into giant sausages (that was pretty funny but also kind of scary, especially when they honked at me), I saw my entire existence become an eternal sphere, in harmony with every living thing on Earth. Did you know that we are all connected, Christy? I love you.

I look forward to hearing more from you!

Love, Harvey

Will post the remainder later on!

Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 5:02 pm

Could you fakemark the pictures, please?