The Benefits of the ASEM & A Couple of Other Tricks.....

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Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 9:43 am

This is from a post that I had made a few months ago, and since I have mastered the art of cutting and pasting (thanks you mugus!), I have decided to post it here instead of re-opening the thread itself. As a matter of fact, I won't even link it.

I am putting this here to help the nOObies see the benefits of the Accidentally Sent Email Trick so they can see it in action. The ASEM appears courtesy of J. Dog Studios, and should not be used without permission. Violation of this will result in a severe punishment from J. Dog and his noble henchmen. Myself, CommanderKiller, Eatyo Urgreens and theFAILURE are a few that should be mentioned.
Twisted Evil

The Cast:
John Steemer & Billy Lumberg
Tony Kojo
Clifford Chukwu

Okay, so I can't even recall when and where this bait began. I've done so damn many that I sometimes foget who I am in my baits, so that says enough.

So I'll start it with the letter below from the originating mugu in the bait, Mr. Tony Kojo:
DEAR JOHN,
HAVE YOU SENT THE APPLICATION FORM TO THE BANK?I HAVE ALSO DECIDED TO SEND YOU MY BANK'S ID CARD AND MY PERSONAL AND AND MY FAMILY PICTURE. THIS IS TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE TRUSTED YOU AND WANTS TO MAKE THIS DEAL WITH YOU ON TRUST.

WHO IS THIS LAWYER YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT WILL HE BE THE ONE TO COME AND SIGN THE PAPERS FOR YOU IF YOU SO LET ME HAVE HIS CONTACT IMMEDIATELY.WHY HAVE NOT GIVEN ME YOUR MOBILE PHONE NUMBER AND YET WHEN I CALL YOU IT ENTERS VOICE MAIL.
PLEASE AS SOON AS YOU CONTACT THE BANK LET ME KNOW IMMEDIATELY.IN YOUR LAST MAIL YOU MENTIONED OUR CODE AS 1937 BUT IT IS WRONG SO I DONT KNOW IF YOU ARE NOW THE RIGHT PERSON IM TALKING TO. ANOTHER QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY YOU JUNK OF MAN.WE HAVE TO BE VERY FAST TO CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION BECAUSE WE DONT HAVE MUCH TIME WHICH YOU KNOW.THE PROBLEM THAT WILL BEFALL US IS THE ISSUE OF THE ATTORNEY SO IF YOU DONT HAVE ONE LET ME GIVE YOU THE CONTACT OF THE ONE HERE THAT I AM SURE WILL HELP US GET THIS PAPERS FOR THE TRANSFER.
MR ANTHONY KOJOAE.
IN YOUR REPLY TRY AND INCLUDE OUR CODE.

So I reply to him, a light SLAP included:
Dear Tony,
I sent you the application, completed and signed last night. Are you retarded? Our code is 1973. Please don't ever write me again in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. That is very rude on your part, and it hurts my eyes. I Am trying my hardest to make us both very rich individuals. What the Hell are you doing? It took you how long to send me your pictures, which, I might add are horrible scans. Don't try to use the excuse that you had to just get them taken, the dates are already printed on there. They are very old. I want a current picture, or else I am going to walk on this deal, as well as report you to your bank for your illegal practices.

Now, let's get one thing straight. I am in charge. I am calling the shots because I am willing to back this entire project with my money. As far as our code, maybe I typed it wrong, I am sorry for that. That was my mistake. I did not call you A JUNK OF MAN, but I called you A HUNK OF MAN. Don't get mad at me for mistyping, you do it all of the time. Not only do you need a typing lesson, but an English lesson as well. You asked about my Lawyer. His name is Billy Lumberg, and he is a real shyster. Do you remember the trials of Reverand Dwayne E. Looper? He got him off on charges of Public Masturbation, and Rev. Looper snapped a seed on an Undercover Cop in a prostitution sting in the middle of a Denny's Restaurant. So, as you can plainly see, he's the man. If you double cross him or try to rip him off in any way, he'll have you drawn and quartered in your own home, while your wife and children watch. He'll be in contact with you shortly. So don't you dare come at me the way that you have in your last email, or I will not hesitate to drop you like a sack of potatoes. Get it? Got it? Good. Now, I'll get in contact with Billy, and he'll be more than happy to contact you. Lastly, I have not given you my cell phone number because I don't want you to have it. It is not a secure line, so just stick to the number that I gave to you, okay rubberneck? 1973197319731973197319731973197319731973197319731973197319731973179197319731973!
Love Ya!
-John

At this point, I decided to fire off an ASEM at this bastard. Quick, and to the point:
Dear Cliffy,
Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I am very sorry. I have just been approved for a $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD loan from The Best Western Bank of California. They have agreed to wire transfer it to you in Lagos, although it just occurred to me that I don't have your account number. So Clifford, please send me your account number and I'll wire you the money. Hopefully, our transaction will be completed from there. I also have high hopes that there will be no more drawbacks in our transaction because I have already sent you more than $15,000.00 (Fifteen Thousand) USD, without yet to see a return. Please get back to me at your earliest convenience. Please remember not to tell anyone about this transaction. Oh, and remember our code: GONAD. Give everyone in your family my love.
Sincerely,
John Steemer

Did you all see how I used a different name as well as installing a code word? This helps the lads believe that the role that they are about to assume has already been established. Thus, they are not starting from square one, They are beyond that. This letter was sent out to about 15 or 20 mugus, Tony Kojo included. But since this was my first time toying with this trick, I decided to send it out to more than my one intended target: TONY KOJO. I recall getting quite a few replies, about 9 besides Tony.

Sure enough, Tony Kojo replied as "Clifford Chukwu", all the while thinking that John "Cleveland" Steemer was as dumb as a rock:
Dear John,
I am giving you a new account number for you to wire this money so that we can conclude this transaction immediately.Dont ever reply to that email box for security reasons, someone has disclosed my password and dont ever read or reply mails to that box exept this new one i am sending this mail from. code GONAD
Remember not to answer any telephone calls until after you wire this 50 thousand usd to the new account number that i will send to you today.
Thanks.
Clifford.

I then sent a reply to "Clifford" not only pressuring him send me the account number, but also implicating Tony Kojo, the originating mugu as the thief:
Dear Clifford,
I hope that I am replying to the real Clifford Chukwu at the present time. It seems that not only have you had your password disclosed, but mine as well. I am thinking that a gentleman named Anthony Kojo has hacked into another email address of mine and routed all of those emails to his. I have had some correspondence with him, but I have not sent him any money to him like I have to you. I am still waiting for you to send me the account number to give to my bank so that they can wire the $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD to you for our transaction. I also have more good news for you. I have decided to sell my car and buy something a little more economical due to the rise in the gas prices. Since I currently am driving a 2003 Jaguar XK8, the asking price is $75,000.00 (Seventy Five Thousand) USD. The car that I have decided to buy is a 1987 Yugo, which gets about 37 miles per gallon. The asking price for the Yugo is only $250.00 (Two Hundred Fifty) USD. So, after all is said and done, I will have about $74,750.00 (Seventy Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD in additional monies for our transaction. Please send the account number as soon as possible, I have a lot of money in my bank account right now, and I can be an impulsive spender. I obtained the loan only for our transaction, not for my own pleasure, and Las Vegas is only about a 6 hour drive from here, and I am a recovering gambling addict. Please send me the information soon so that I don't spend all of this money. Thanks, I look forward to your reply. GONAD.
-John Steemer

So now, "Clifford" replies. But, he is not your average mugu. He knows how to test his participants. He sent this email from a different email address, and without a code word. He's testing John:
hello John,

Make sure you are sending this money to me and no one else i will give the account number tommorrow.

Chukwu

So, just to prove that he is as dumb and greesy as "Clifford" thinks, John replies, and discloses some information:
Dear Chukwu,
I don't know if this is you. This is a different email address than the one that you had yesterday. What happened to your other email address? Was it stolen like our passwords? Do you need me to send the money another way besides wire transfer?

In America, we can buy new email addresses, I don't know how it is there, though. Would you like me to buy you a new email address and email you the new email address? I believe that I can do that after I sell my Jaguar XK8 to The Man in the Yellow Hat. He's the nice man that is buying my old car. He even has a pet monkey named Curious George. I have already bought myself the new Yugo that I spoke of yesterday. I will attach a picture of it for you. It is white, but not too fast. People honk at me while I drive it and yell, "Hey Yugo! Yugo too fucking slow!" I will get those people back in due time.

I need to get the account number from you, and I mean pronto. I was on the internet just last night and I saw some wonderful deals on bulk rate prices at The Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Las Vegas, and I am tempted to jump into my new wonderful Yugo, spend the $12 (Twelve) USD in gas, and drop about $25,000 (Twenty Five Thousand) USD on some fine prostitutes. Does it normally take three days to set up a new account? In America, you can walk into a bank and set up an account without any problems. At some banks you will even get a gift like a toaster or subscription to a nice magazine like Boy's Life for setting up a new checking or savings account. So I must get that account number from you immediately. I hope to receive your reply soon. Thanks. GONAD.
-John Steemer

Woops! Another trick revealed to twist your lad's neck that much more. Always reply, and always act clueless., but NEVER let down your guard. Show the lads that you are ready, but not willing to go down without a fight.

So now the "Clifford" replies from each of his different email addresses, and still testing John's honesty. His first one was this:
Dear sir,

Please send the money on this trust fund account and this an agent who will pay the money .

Below is the account detail

BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100723002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

After remittance please scan and send the receipt of payment.

Thanks

Clifford

Notice how he didn't write 'Dear John', but 'Dear Sir' instead, and he made certain not to include any code information. However, 30 minutes later that day, the following email graced my inbox:
Dear John,

I am very happy that you have replied this mail,please for you kind information do not contact me with anyother email apart from this one and make sure you pay to any account that did not come from this email address,today i will be travelling to Accra Ghana a neighbouring west African country to obtain some document for this transaction,because of the problems down here i have decided to travell donw to accra to enable me recieve this money without any problems.

I think it will be better that you send the money bit by bit through western union money transfer as all account numbers here are been monitored by the interpol here that is why i have to travell to recieve this money,i am so happy for your efforts so far and hope we are coming to the concluding part of this bussiness i wil send you mail when i arrive Accra Ghana later in the day today,and please make sure you don`t reply to any other box or rather close this your box and open a new one to reply me as many unwanted people hijacked your email address please take note of this as it is very important at this time.

Get a new email address and mail me from it never you reply any mail that comes to this your box again from now on use this my new email address and make sure you open a new one before replying me this mail.

I await your mail as soon as possible also discontinue the use of you mail box as i have stated above.

When you have the money in your pocket kindly mail me with the new email address you will open so that i can give you the name you will use to send the western union today.

Thanks for your efforts so far and please do keep in touch.

Chukwu.(GONAD)

Well lookie there! He used all of the pertinent information on that one. So John replies, and lets him know what's going on:
Dear Clifford,
I am happy to say that I have successfully transferred the $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD onto the account number that you provided in your prior email:

BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100723002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

I am hoping that this will suffice, I am now very excited that I have gotten rid of that money, for I found myself thinking about going on alcohol, gambling, prostitution and drug binges, and $50k can do some serious damage to not only my noodle, but my ticker, too!

So, I guess my next question would be when I will see a return on my investment. I have already dropped $65,000.00 (Sixty Five Thousand) USD into this deal, and it started in January. So when? Next, I will begin sending the remaining $74,750.00 (Seventy Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD via Western Union on Monday because all Western Unions are closed in America for Independence Day weekend. It's America's birthday, and also a great excuse to be a total beligerent lush. I will send it "bit by bit" as you put it, but in America we say "increments". That means bit. You say bit. We say increments. It may take me about two days or so because that's a lot of cash to be sending through Western Union. So please be patient with me, I am very new at this and you are obviously a very experienced individual with such large amounts of money. I am looking forward to your response. Thanks. You GONAD.
-John

Hehehehehe. He thinks that all of this money just fell out of the fucking sky and into his mugu claws. What a fool.

So, the silly bastard replies............... A few times:
Mr John,

I arrived Accra Ghana safely at the early hours of today.

I told you to wait untill i arrive accra ghana before you can send any money the account you have sent the money to is a ghost account and i advise you to please STOP THE PAYMENT as quickly as you can because it will never get to me the account was not from me but from some individual that have hijacked my password as i told you this earlier.

Any mail that did not come from this box is not from me i told you this if you did not stop the payment this means you have paid to unknown people and not me Clifford Chukwu,confirm the receipt of this mail and i will give you the name you will use in sending this money to me by western union money transfer,i will like you to reply me this mail as soon as you read it,i will be in this country till wednesday the 7th of july 2004 and i believe you will complete the sending of the money by then.

Please i will not like you to make a mistake we will regret later for the sake of this bussiness kindly stop the money you paid to
BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100723002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

This account i don`t know anything about it so if you are making payment ot it it is very risky for you and me so please stop the payment now and wait for my instructions for the western union on monday,i told you to open a new email addres which you have failed to do could you please do that today and reply this mail from the new email you will open.

I hope you will not make this mistake again i purposely travelled down here to recieve this payment to avoid any mistakes,i have you will make the very neccesary changes and amendments quickly and get back to me today.

This is our new code for this transaction JOHNCLIFF.if you did not see this in any mail i sent then the mail is not from me please make sure you do not reply such mails ok.

Thank you for your efforts and God bless you,

Clifford Chukwu.

And the next email:
CODE:JOHNCLIFF

John,

Will it be possible you buy an email account for me there in the us and send it with the password to me you sugessted this earlier if you can do this it will be nice and will make us have our confidentiality that we so much require.REMEBER TO STOP THE PAYMENT.

I await your response,

Clifford.

Third time is a charm, or so they say:
JOHNCLIFF.

Dear John,

I have just opened this new email for our top secrets kindly reply me here from now on i arrived accra ghana today safely,have you stoped the payment into the ghost account?please do that immediately if you have not done it.

Get back to me on monday remeber you have to send the money through western union in bits and remeber western union can only transfer 10,000 dollars at once so you have to do it in bit.

chukwu.

So John replies, and he's not happy:
Clifford-
Please tell me that you are kidding. This is not funny.

Can I buy you a new email address? Sure, but that will cost you. How much? $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD please.

I tried to stop the payment, but the transfer has already gone through and the money has been withdrawn. Are you telling me that I am out $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD? If that is the case, I am going to sue you for not having a firewall on your computer and leaving yourself succeptable to computer hackers. This is bullshit Cliff.

I demand to know what the Hell is going on. I am busting my ass to pay you more money, and you are off in Accra Ghana chasing zebras and blowing darts into trees. I am absolutely devastated, as I never earned that money, I borrowed it from the bank. It was a loan!!!! I am going to have to take the remaining $74,750.00 (Seventy Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD and pay at least $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD back to the bank. So now that will only leave us with $24,750.00 (Twenty Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD. But will this amount be enough to proceed with the transaction, because you informed me that we would need at least $100,000.00 (One Hundred Thousand) USD to free up the rest of the money. Anyway, I am tired of talking about money. I am going to drink myself retarded and maybe jump out of a window for losing $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD. Bye for now, maybe forever. JOHNCLIF.
-John Steemer

Just to show my excitement, I quote myself from the original thread Smile

:

Quote:

I think that this is going the exact way as intended. J. Dog, you're a fucking genius!!!!!!!! I am amazed at how great that this is going, hijacked mail accounts, code word usage, email address changes daily...... I love it!

As it stands, "Clifford" strictly instructed John NOT to respond a certain email address. However, since John is on a binder and not of sound mind, he throws all of this out the window, and decides to reply to the email anyway, and throw in a few more tricks that he still has up his sleeve.

The following email awaited a reply:
Dear John,
I am very sorry for the delay because we have to be very sure of what we are doing.
Please send the money on this trust fund account and this an agent who will pay the money .The existing accounts you are supposed to wire this morning is undergoing a little problem so i suggest you pay it through this account. remember i told you not to listen to anybody and who is that man anthony koyo,please be very careful.
bye

Below is the account detail

BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100723002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

After remittance please scan and send the receipt of payment.

GONAD
Thanks

Clifford

So John, being a wasted and suicidal lush at this point, decides to respond because he can't wait any longer and needs guidance. But John altered the email that he was replying to. That's another trick that I love oh so much. You simply alter the email that you're replying to. No big deal, 20 seconds and you're done, but it takes the lads right off of the script.

This is the version of the last email that "Clifford" sent, and that John replied to:
Dear John,
I am very sorry for the delay because we have to be very sure of what we are doing.
Please send the money on this trust fund account and this an agent who will pay the money .YOU COCKSUCKING FUCK ASSHOLE. The existing accounts you are supposed to wire this morning is undergoing a little problem so i suggest you pay it through this account. remember i told you not to listen to anybody and who is that man anthony koyo,please be very careful.
bye I WILL PUNCH YOU IN HEAD WHEN WE MEET. I GUT YOU LIKE CATTLE.

Below is the account detail

BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100723002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

After remittance please scan and send the receipt of payment.

GONAD
Thanks

Clifford

Notice the changes? This works like a charm. So John replies, and is still not doing to well:
Dear Clifford,
I am not of sound mind at the moment. In America, it is Independence Day, our great nation's birthday. While I should be setting off firecrackers, eating watermelon, doing beer bongs, and barbecueing several pounds of meat, I am doing the exact opposite of all of those. I am currently sitting in my room typing an email to a man that I have never spoken to, seen, or met, and that man is you. I am still at a loss for words for the losing of the $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD. How in God's name could this happen? Tell me, I need to know.

I am sure that after my last email to you received the attachment that I had sent you of the transfer receipt, and I don't have it anymore. I burned it, in a drunken rage last night in effigy. I did this while cursing your name. How is it that I have given you $65,000.00 (Sixty Five Thousand) USD and you have not even asked me how my day is going. I have been very generous throughout our entire transaction, and you have been nothing short of a selfish prick. I need that money back, Clifford!!!! I emailed the bank today, and I have yet to receive a reply. Yesterday when I got your first email, I was so excited, and now I am contemplating pouring gasoline all over my body and setting myself ablaze. I don't want to live right now, Clifford. I can payback the bank the $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD with some of the money from the sale of my last car, the Jaguar XK8, but that will not give us enough to proceed. That will only leave us with $24,750.00 (Twenty Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD, and I hope this will work.

Next on my list of depression, in this email to which I am replying to, why are you calling me names? You must apologize for this at once. Like I said, I am not of sound mind, and I have a Norelco electric shaver with my wrist's names all over it. Why do you want to punch me? I don't believe in fighting, I am a 100% pasifist, and an animal rights activist. So that part about gutting me like cattle did not settle. Yes I eat meat, but I don't want to be gutted. Please say that you are sorry for this verbal onslaught that you have unleashed upon a drunken lush such as myself.

Last, I am not sure if maybe you just forgot, or are testing me, but you changed the code word yesterday. Don't you remember? It's not GONAD anymore, but the new one that you created is JOHNCLIF. I like the new one better, our names look good together. I plan on naming my first child Johnclif, if I don't take my own life or get killed by you anytime soon. Good day.
-John Steemer

With that letter comes the old "kill them with kindness, and smear them in guilt" trick. Not to say that it works, but it's always worth a shot Wink

.

You can only assume that at this point the mugu is furious because not only did John reply to the, "forbidden email address", but he also disclosed the new password that "Clifford" appointed. Damn it, John just doesn't pay attention!

Now John is showing his passive/aggressive true colors with this last sent email to the only email address that Clifford instructed to respond to. John realizes that he's made some mistakes, so hopefully this letter will reach out and yank on Clifford's chain......
Dear Clifford,
I have done a bad thing. I was severely depressed for losing $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD. I got very drunk, attempted to slit my wrists with an electric shaver, and inadvertently emailed the wrong person. I sent an email to the man claiming to be you, and disclosed our new password. So I am changing it, once again. Our new password will be STEEMCHUK.

Upon receiving this letter, I hope that you can forgive me. As we approach success in this transaction, I want you to know that I am willing to go to any lengths possible to ensure our financial freedom. If that means me going and getting another loan, I can do that because I have paid off the prexisting loan with $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD out of the $74,750.00 (Seventy Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD from the sale of my Jaguar XK8. So if I need to go and get another loan, just let me know for exactly how much, and when we need it by. My credit with my bank is very good, so there should be no problems whatsoever. I can also assure you that this will be the only email address that I will reply to, no matter what. Please accept my apology, and I hope that this letter finds you in good spirits. Thanks again. STEEMCHUK.
-John

Hahahaha! Of course he replied! This email came from "The Forbidden Email Address":
Dear John,
I could not undrestand what is going on, you said that you sent this money but you couldnt send the slip.please go and reconfirm from your bank and let conclude this transaction.This is the only thing holding us John.
I am sorry i never called you any bad name may be that information was attached by virus,i was suprised that you sent me that and i tell you i never wrote that why should i ?
Did you send this money with this account i gave you?
GONAD
Clifford

BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100723002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

After remittance please scan and send the receipt of payment.

Uh oh..................... I feel a SLAP coming on....................................
Dear Clifford,
Why do insist to keep avoiding getting your prescription filled for your "I'm Not A Complete Dunce" pills?

I am at the point that I am convinced that you have reached the state of RETARDED CONSCIOUSNESS. How is it in the land of moron? Is it really like "Eternal Bliss" there? Is life easier at the pace of slow? I am pleasantly surprised that you can read and write, let alone communicate with other life forms on this planet. You don't pay attention very well, do you. What part of, "I am sure that after my last email to you received the attachment that I had sent you of the transfer receipt, and I don't have it anymore. I burned it, in a drunken rage last night in effigy. I did this while cursing your name" didn't you understand, Mr. Smartypants? Are my words too big for you? Do you need me to slow down so that you have time to look up the meaning of the word, 'effigy'? You are really starting to annoy the Holy Hell out of me, as well as piss me off.

I also am noticing that you are having some serious trouble woth our codeword. You keep saying GONAD. The only gonad here right now, on this Earth, is you. Now let me ask you this. What was so hard to comprehend about me taking it upon myself to change the password to JOHNCLIF? My Lord, you are dumber than a sack full of elephant dung, and you're as queer as a tennis helmet, too. Would it be easier if we changed the password to something a little easier for you to remember? Would it be easier if we used a passnumber instead? Maybe something like, '1'? Or better yet, maybe we'll just appoint one another code names.That could make things a little easier for you to digest. If you'd like, your new codename could be 1 Finger. Yes!!!! That's perfect for you, and our further communications. This is because it incorporates how you type, a word of some sort, and a passnumber, and hopefully all at a new level that you, and your basic 3 year old child can remember. And remember to do this in all further communication, as well. As for my codename, it is God. I don't really give a hyena's testicle if this offends you or not. You put us here, and due to your constant barrage of idiocy, it is our last option. I am God, and you are 1 Finger. You are now to address me as God, and I will address you as 1 Finger.

Next on my list, how the Hell could you send me a virus, 1 Finger? This angers me greatly!!!!!! A virus? Is that why I had to go out and buy a new computer today? I spent $3,500.00 (Three Thousand Five Hundred) USD on a new computer today, and it's all your fault, 1 Finger! You owe me, you owe God $3,500.00 (Three Thousand Five Hundred) USD now. I will expect to have that reimbursed to me when our transaction is complete. I can't believe that you could be so careless to send a virus to a man that has sent you so much money. I have made several sacrifices for us, and you send me a virus. You have a rectal cranium inversion, 1 Finger.

Lastly, you have asked me, and more than once I might add, if I have sent the money. The answer is YES. Did you receive the money? I am assuming NO because you constantly ask me if I sent it yet or not. Does that answer your question?

In closing, you claim that the only thing holding the progression of our transaction is me. I beg to differ, 1 Finger. It is you, and the stupidity that you choose to display with so much effort. If you put as much effort into being smart as you do into being retarded, you just might learn to communicate with adults at a more 13 to 15 year old pace, because as it stands now, your moronic actions have showed me that you are more fit to blow up balloons than to handle a transaction of this magnitude. Good day, 1 Finger.
-God

I sent the email to the "Official Email Address" of Clifford Chukwu, and not the "Forbidden Email Address" that I sent the last slap letter to. I also went into detail about how the ball is in Clifford's court at the moment, and how he needs to call the shots. This letter was sent to the "Official Email Address" of Clifford Chukwu:
Dear Brother Clifford,

JOHNCLIF. I am a bit worried about you. You have not responded to me as of late, and I am now afraid that either you are angry with me, or a hyena ate you during your travels in Accra Ghana. I am hoping that all is okay, and all is forgiven. Why have you decided to discontinue in your responses?

My next quandry is should I go and get another loan, or should I remain stationary and await your further instructions? You have told me to go the Western Union, and I have, but I did not know what to do from there. I stood around in the Western Union for about 4 hours, hoping that you might give me some sort of a sign as to what to do next. I think that I looked pretty stupid, asking the employees if they knew you or knew of you, and if so, how you like to receive it when you get paid for it. I sure am glad that I went though, the man at the counter was quite friendly. His name is Lamar Latrell, and he has invited me to his private bungalow in Compton, which is somewhere near me. I don't really know where, but he has invited me. I will go, and I will make sure not to tell him of our transaction. He was very friendly when I informed him that I was going to send a large amount of cash to a, "Friend in need". He told me that I should, "Roll out strapped. Make sure you got your gat, loc. These dogs, they bite" because I would be carrying such a large amount of money. Do you know what any of what Lamar said means? It all sounds like pidgin to me. Did you know that some kids have been beaten severely because of the bicycles that they ride? Lamar told me all about it, and I can quite honestly say that I was shocked and appauled! I played along like I totally knew what he meant, and I'm pretty sure that I got away with it. From there, we exchanged phone numbers, and have decided to go bowling tomorrow night.

So please Clifford, I need to know what to do next. Getting another $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD loan will not be a problem. Will that be enough, and what do I do next? I am so darn confused right now that I could just cfry. I feel like I have done everything so wrong, and that I have let you down, the man who wants to make me rich. I would love a response from you, I hope that you're not too mad at me. If you are, please at least reply to this email and let me know what it is that I did to anger and upset you so very, very much. I hope to hear from you very soon. I await any and all further instructions from you.

Sincerely,
John Steemer

In fear of the bait being over, I send out another ASEM to Tony, Clifford (the same motherfiucker) as another of my baiting characters, Mr. Billy Lumberg:
Dear Mr. Morton,

I have been waiting for a respopnse from you, and as it stood just this past Friday, I was to meet with you in London to claim my reward. I was standing at the base of Big Ben for nearly 6 hours, and then I just decided to leave because I couldn't wait any longer.

I have just returned home to Texas, USA and I have yet to hear from you. Why did you stand me up? I would like to know please.

I am ready to claim my winnings, and I have made the funds available to pay any incurring expenses that may arise. I look forward to your letter. Thank you so much.

From,
Billy Lumberg

Anyway, Clifford answered Billy Lumberg's Lotto themed ASEM as surprise-- Mr. Morton, and is ready to receive some money:
Mr.William Lumberg,

I am currently in Accra Ghana west Africa to attend to our african winners i will be here for two weeks so you can send your money by western union with this names SOLOMON ONYIA address SPINTEX ROAD ACCRA GHANA country GHANA.

Make sure you include the text question and answer and the senders names also.

As soon as you have done this i will instruct our head office to effect your payment.

Thanks,

Morton.

So Billy replies, in typical fashion:
Dear Mr. Morton,

Why in the Hell are you in Accra Ghana? Where in the Hell is that, anyway? I have to admit sir that I am not happy. I not only paid quite a large sum of money for a plane ticket to London, but I have sacrificed my time, too. It took me a lot of time to save up enough money to get a plane ticket to Europe, and you stood me up. Where I come from, a man's word is his bond, and you left me hanging like a whore at a truckstop.

Now why is it that you promised me over 1 month ago that we would conclude this fiasco within 10 days, and it has been over 30? And then you have the balls to stand me up? Damn, I'm so mad that I could fart fire right now, but I am not a violent man, and I desperately need this money to pay for my wife's herpes simplex q45+ operation, so lets ske-daddle and begin. One more thing, though. I need to be present to accept my winnings as you stated in your letter about 2 weeks ago because I can't afford an Attorney. You have just stated in your last letter that I need to send the money to Accra Ghana now? I'm not too sure what you mean. You were in the same place 1 week ago taking care of your African winners. How many people in Africa won? Will there be enough money left in the pot to pay me my $10,000,000.00? I am so confused right now, it's very late here, and I have been drinking coffee to stay awake to see if you would reply to my email. Please let me know what to do. I would rather meet you in person to sign the paperwork than to send any more money. Thanks.

Thank You,

Billy Lumberg

But now Clifford is ready to play with John again:
John Steemer,

JOHNCLIFF.

I am sorry for not responding to your mail i have been in this country just because of this deal this is the only place i can recieve the money then i will go back to please if you have the fund let me know so that i can give you the name you will use for the western union.

Are you still intrested to conclude this deal if yes please pay attention and follow my instruction carefully if you reply to anyother email box you are at your own risk.

Please get back to me quickly so that we can proceed,and can you send to me the payment slip of the 50,000 you said you paid can i have the slip.

I will not like to waste more time here so you should act fast now.

My kindest regards,

Clifford.

So now John has to explain himself all over again to the "Official Email Address" Clifford. The reply is as follows:
Dear Clifford,
JOHNCLIF. I thought that you were to return from vacation on Monday. Why did you lie about this to me? I have not lied to you.

As far as the transfer receipt goes, I did have it, but since you lost the $50,000.00 (Ffty Thousand) USD to a hacker, I set it on fire, along with all of the other gifts that you have sent me, such as the the giant stuffed panda bear (which I named Mr. Elegant), the picture of you and Ed McMahon after your Star Search audition, and the essay that you wrote about pickling ham. I burned all of the aformentioned items and cursed your name while I danced around the fire. I have contacted the bank that I sent the money to, but when i called the number, a funny little Chinese man answered the phone and yelled at me for about 4 (Four) minutes straight. I cried my eyes out, started a fire, and used your gifts as the kindling.

So my credit did not get ruined, I paid back the bank the $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD out of the $74,750.00 (Seventy Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD that the Man In The Yellow Hat gave me after he bought my Jaguar XK8. So, that leaves us with a remaining balance of $24,750.00 (Twenty Four Thousand Seven Hundred Fifty) USD to work with. I can get another loan from my bank, but I need to know exactly how much. You told me when we began that we may need in excess of $100,000.00 (One Hundred Thousand) USD, so I am not sure what to do here. Please, guide me. Guide me like only you can, Clifford. I look forward to your response.
-John

And the replies keep rolling in for Billy from a Mr. Morton:
Dear Mr Billy,
i am so sorry for all the delays or any iconviniences this might of coursed you it was due to the work load of activites i had on that paticlar day and yet i a still very busy.
pleas i would love you to send this fund to london for further processing and to make things easier so please send this fund toMr Firth Jon Ross,he is the man incharge and will make things go smoothlly.this chnges came up as a result of the urgentcy needed.
please do reach me only through this mail box and also send me the details of the western union control for my documentations.
Trully yours Mr Morton

So Billy sends his reply, and likes what he sees:
Dear Mr. Morton,
I am hoping that everything is still going as planned, even without the meeting that was scheduled between myself and you in London. I can appreciate a busy man, but I can not appreciate a man that stands me up. I am willing to accept your apology, and I am willing to come back to London, however I will need some verification for my own personal well being from your end. Is it possible for you to hand write a letter telling me that you're sorry, and scan it into the computer? I hope that it will be okay, you see, this just goes back to how I was raised. I believe that a man's word is his bond, and the only thing that can break that word is the almighty God himself.

I think that by you hand writing me a letter telling me that you're sorry, I can and will do all that is asked of me. You have to see where I am coming from, Mr. Morton. I have just returned from a trip to London where my sole purpose of the trip was to meet you at Big Ben, sign some documents, and pay for the release of my lottery winnings. I did all that was asked of me, and then some. What my trip turned into was an incredibly lousy flight to and from, waiting for you at Big Ben, signing Police Reports after being mugged while waiting for you at Big Ben, and losing all of the money that I brought with me to pay for the lottery winnings after being mugged. Now do you see where I am coming from? I am quite apprehensive at this point. However, I must comment on the Bobbies in London. They give great reach arounds while frisking you. But do they normally have to frisk you naked like they did me? They frisked me a total of 14 times in about two hours. They took turns.

So please Mr. Morton, send me a letter, signed by you, and telling me that you're sorry. This will go a long way with me. I am ending this email now and looking for available flights into London, once again. London, the home of Big Ben and the Bobbies that frisk shamelessly. Have a teriffic day, sir.
-Billy Lumberg

A reply to the SLAP comes in from "The Forbidden Email Address" which Clifford has informed me that I reply to at my own risk. I figure what the fuck, I'm a big boy, I wipe my own ass and I wear pull ups, so.........
Dear John,

I know from every idication in your last mail that you sent this money but i have not receved it.i thank you for your efforts so far but i dont know the reason why you talk like this every time.please which account did you send the money?i avised you to go back and request for the slip again and the bank will reissue it to you.I did not send you any virus rather i said that the information which i was suprised to be sent by me was may pictured with virus which is common in every computer this days.we have already concluded this deal as soon as you confirm this money sent.i did not get attachment so plaese send the information again sir it is no lie.

Thank you so far and you will have your reward as soon as you confirm this money.

GOD

Clifford

In reply, John feels it warranted a SLAP. I'm pretty ceratain that whoever is reading this can figure out what's next:
Dear 1 Finger,
I am not quite sure at this point what lies in that head of yours. My first assumption is excrement, but not too sure if it's human or or animal, though. My last assumption is a brain, and be it a very small and non-functioning one, it is a brain nonetheless. You should turn on your brain and pay some attention.

First off, don't call me John. As you can see, I am not addressing you as Clifford, but 1 Finger, as in regards to several issues that you have. Maybe I should just change your name to "Shit-4-Brains", but I assume that may be harder for you to understand at this point in time. I do like the ring, though.

Okay, I have talked it over with the voices in my head and we have come to a decision. Your new nickname is Shit-4-Brains, and mine is still God. We no longer have any passwords, so we now are using codenames. This works for us on many levels.

You have chosen to constantly ask me if I have sent the money, and obviously my story has not penetrated through your thick skull. By the way, do you like it when I tell you how stupid you are? Did your parents start dropping you on your head intentionally at one point in your childhood to prove a point or something? They must have lost a bet with someone or something, and your well being was sacrificed. Whoever or whatever spawned you pulled no punches and made you about as idiotic as they come. Well Shit-4-Brains, since you reading and storing information is not your thing, here's the account information all over again:

BANK OF CHINA
SWIFT CODE:BKCHCNBJ92D
A/CNO:018100733002
BENEF:SHAOXING WUYANG INDUSTRIAL CO.LTD

Look at it closely, print it out, and go and find my $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD, Shit-4-Brains!!!! I have sent this money, and I am done messing around. The money is not there, at was withdrawn already. The bank phone number that I called was a wrong number. I thought that I told you this in my last email. When I called it, a little Chinese man answered the phone and yelled at me for 4 minutes straight, and I cried tears of pain, and then I burned the gifts that you had sent me. If you have anymore irrelevant questions, ask the bank. I don't speak Chinese. Do you? Probably not, you have enough trouble typing and speaking English. I know this from the letters that you have typed, and the conversation that we had on the phone about 1 week ago when you sang me to sleep with your rendition of the Neil Diamond classic, 'Love On The Rocks'. You have a pleasant voice, but your English is very poor. Work on your English accent a little more, Shit-4-Brains. Well I must be going now. I am taking my Yugo off-roading. There is a nice dirt road where the pavement ends on this street, and I will conquer it. Now go out and find my money, Shit-4-Brains. See ya.
-God

In the above letter, I decided to alter one number in the bank account. This works in my favor because evidently, Clifford doesn't pay too much attention to his emails that I send to him. He has no concerns that John is sucidal, and he also doesn't care to call himself stupid, so I will. As far as I am concerned, Clifford fucked up the account number when he sent it to John.

Due to lack of response on Clifford's part, John sent Clifford a very big SLAP letter to reach out and grab his attention:
Dear Clifford,
JOHNCLIFF.

What the Hell are you doing, man? We need to complete this at once!!!! I have been to the bank, I have obtained another $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD loan from my bank, and you are just SITTING ON YOUR ASS. What the fuck will it take for you to GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND GET SERIOUS. I have $50,000.00 (Fifty Thousand) USD ready to be wired to you, and you are floundering. I have NEVER seen a person so INCREDIBLY STUPID when it comes to getting paid. Do I have to hold your hand YOU STUPID SCHMUCK?

I don't give a fuck if you are still in Accra Ghana. Don't leave me hanging on like you have been you PRICK BASTARD. I will not hesitate to walk out on this deal and report you to the respective authorities. I have been very patient and gracious with you, and you TREAT ME LIKE SHIT. I am very upset and angry with you, Clifford. Get back to me immediately. If you don't. consider this transaction a wash. Bye
-John

And Clifford replied, albeit not too happily:
JOHNCLIFF.

John,

This will be the last mail am writing you if you can not follow my instructions as it come then i am already looking for some Italian company to help me get over this deal.

For the last time send this money to me in bits to Accra Ghana or you go to hell and perish if you can not do this stop and the italians are very ready to continue from where you stoped YOU ARE THE GREATEST LIER I HAVE SEEN THIS YEAR.

Please don`t worry to reply if you are not ready to do as i have told you and mind how you talk to me i am never your mate and will never be you talk to me without respect i wonder what have come over you.

Cliff.

Oooooooh! Clifford is one pissed guyman. So John responds to Clifford's letter, ready to comply. But Clifford won't get off that easy.

He is right about one thing, though. John lies like a fucking rug!

WARNING: The following letter is not very nice. It has profanity, and references to Satan worship. Bear in mind that this is only a letter and does not describe any sort of lifestyle that I practice. I have my strong opinions about religion, and I am sure that there are some people who if I voiced it, would be thinking that I was inciting a holy war.

This letter is most likely NOT WORK SAFE. There are no pictures.

John Steemer's reply:
Dear Clifford,
JOHNCLIFF

Where do you get off you flea infested meatslinger? How dare you speak yo me in the manner that you have chosen to. Let's get this straight, queerboy. You came to me with a proposal, and I obliged. You have been nothing but a son of a bitch throughout our entire transaction.

If I were in Accra right now, I would show you the true meaning of the word pain by ripping out your heart and showing it to you before you dropped dead at my feet. Be careful of who you fuck with. I have a lot more money than you do, and I will not hesitate to come to your neck of the woods and hold your fly and tick infested carcass high in the sky for the beast of the air to feast on for a snack.

The way that I see it, you to can go to Hell and rot with Satan, for he is waiting for you. He told me today during worship where we decided to sacrifice a goat. All the while, I was with one hand clenching a fist, and holding your picture in the other. You will not get the best of me, Clifford. This, I vow.

The only reason that I have sent $10,000.00 (Ten Thousand) USD increments (or as you call them bits- your English sucks, fuckface) to each of the following 5 Western Unions is because once I collect my share of the money, I will not only report you, but pay off 10 hungry Nigerians to hunt you down, steal your money, and break every bone in your body. After they are done with you, I will find you in your wheelchair, and roll you to the hyenas to feed on. Go to the following Western Unions to collect your money:

1. AGRIC DEV BANK
RING ROAD
ACCRA ,
Passcode: 3553571124
Question: What is on my bum?
Answer: Thigh welts

2. AGRICULTURAL DEVELOPMENT BANK
DAMSOMAN BRANCH
ACCRA ,
Passcode: 3698115441
Question: Where does it hurt?
Answer: My colon

3. GHANA POST COMPANY
AKIM ODA POST OFFICE
AKIM ODA ELR GHANA
AKIM ODA , GH
Passcode: 7225344682
Question: What do I do best?
Answer: Smoke pole

4. ECOBANK GHANA LTD
MARKET CIRCLE
TAKORADI , WESTERN REGION
Passcode: 5253446989
Question: Mommy calles me what?
Answer: The best kisser in the world

5. GHANA POST COMPANY LTD
WINNEBA
WINNEBA ,
Passcode: 4554005274
Question: Why do I smell?
Answer: I shat in my pants

After we have achieved our fortune, I refuse to be your friend. I hate you, Clifford. You have disgraced the human race with your existence alone. Besides, I don't want you. I want your mom. Now.

I expect your prompt reply.
-John

Sorry folks, that's all there is. Evil or Very Mad

Thanks for reading, and I hope that you can better see the benefits of trickery in baiting.
-Rookie303

Posted: Mon Oct 18, 2004 12:32 pm

Rookie!!! Another fine job!

You are an evil twisted force of nature that the mugu cannot possibly fathom. I feel sorry for them... NOT!

Thumbs up

Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2004 10:30 am

Excellent, very funny Laughing

The Slap Machine in full flow.

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