Too Many James Bond Movies

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Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 8:54 am

Received this from assassin Spike Dwaggin...AKA Dai Teatime...he didn't seem to be too sure which it was.

Quote:

As I sit here sipping a martini it is my regretful duty to inform you that you have been selected for assassination.

I am a professional assassin (I enclose my certificate of assassination as proof) and SMERSH have contracted me to assassinate you and have specifically paid extra for a particularly nasty death which makes it look like you died in a particularly bizarre sex game gone wrong; I had already bought the shire horse stallion (he's called Henry - picture attached), the lard and the dragon dildo (from Bad Dragon of course, I only use the very best tools) when I found out that you are innocent of the accuse, so I make out this time to contact you. Unfortunately international crime syndicates won't admit to mistakes and cancel the hit so I will be forced to carry out the assassination on you. Sorry about that old chap but rules are rules.

There is an option for me to help you in other for you to know who had paid SMERSH for your DEATH and don't forget my men had been monitoring you for the past few days and daily record of your activities is been sent to me but I have refuse to order your DEATH.

Get back to me if you value your LIFE with all due speed or else I regret I will have to carry out my original contract to assassinate you and although he is quite charming for a horse I don't think Henry is the most sensitive of lovers.

Toodle Pip!

Dai Teatime
International Assassin

My character writes back, terrified...

Quote:

Mr Teatime
Please don't kill me! And for God's sake don't let Henry loose on me, I'm an 83 year old who never married, so if your horse gets to me he'll rip me wide open. Please Sir, No!
What do I have to do to make you go away!

Minnie Bannister (Spinster)

The following morning...this

Quote:

You have been betrayed!!! It’s a pity that this how your life is going to come to an end as your death had already been paid for and this person is someone who is very close to you from all my investigations. I have ordered 3 of my men to monitor every move of you and make sure you are not out of reach until the day of your death. According to the report I gets, you seem to be innocent about what you accuse but I have no business with that, so that’s why am contacting you to know if truly you are innocent and how much you value your life. Get back to me if you sure want to live on, ignore this mail only if you feel it’s a joke or you been smart. Don’t forget your days on earth are numbered, so you have the chance to live if only you will comply with me.

WARNING: Tell no one about this mail to you because he or she might just be the person who wants you dead, and if that happens, I will be aware and am going to make sure you DIE instantly. I will give you every detail of where to be and how to take any actions be it legal or illegal, that’s only when I read from you. You need to stay calm and act as if you are not aware of what is about to happen to you and also act fast because any move you make that is suspicious, you will DIE as your days are numbered.

Lucky You

Toodle Pip!

Spike Dwaggin Dai .T
International Assassin

I question him...

Quote:

Mr Spike
What do you want me to do?

Minnie Bannister

But he's a bit too quick off the mark. He replies with this 15 seconds later and Minnie rumbles him...

Quote:

It's someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations She leveled against you .Do not contact the police or try to send

Now listen, I will arrange for us to see face to face, but before that, I need $15,000. To pay off cover, I will come to your home or you determine where you wish we meet; I repeat, do not arrange for the cops and if you play hard to get, it will be extends to your family members. Do not set any camera to cover us or set up any tape to record our conversation; my employer is in my control now. Payment details will be provided for you to make a part payment of $6,000.00 first, which will serve as guarantee that you are ready to co-operate, then I will post a copy of the video tape that contains his request for me to terminate you which will be enough evidence for you to take any legal action against him before he employs another person for the job. You will pay the balance of $9,000.00 once you receive the tape.

FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY:-

SEND THE MONEY VIA WESTERN UNION TO THE INFO BELOW:

RECEIVER’S NAME: DAI TEATIME.
ADDRESS: LONDON, UNITED KINGDOM.
TOTAL AMOUNT TO BE PAID $6,000.00 ONLY

Do not contact the police, make sure you stay indoors once it is 7.30pm until this whole thing is sorted out, if you neglect any of these warning, you will have yourself to blame. You do not have much time, so get back to me immediately

Note: I will advise you keep this to yourself alone, not even a friend or a family member should know about it because it could be one of them trust no one not even your co-worker. Get back to me right now...

Get back to me right now

NIKITA (Who's Nikita I wonder?)
Toodle Pip!

Dai Teatime
International Assassin

Quote:

Hello Mr Dai
That was a bit too quick. You couldn't have written all that in the time you took to reply to me. You've sent me a prepared script. This is a prank.

Minnie Bannister

And this is where it descends into hilarious farce.

Quote:

Hello

In my line of work it's best not to ask questions of a man with a dueling scar and a white cat. we know where you are in the state There is an option for me to help you in other for you to know who had paid SMERSH for your DEATH and don't forget my men had been monitoring you for the past few days and daily record of your activities is been sent to me but I have refuse to order your DEATH.

Lucky You

Toodle Pip!

Spike Dwaggin Dai .T
International Assassin

Now THAT'S a sig line if ever there was one!!

However, Minnie feels she's on the case...

Quote:

You've made a fatal error, Mr.Teatime. I now know your real name..it's Donald Pleasance. He works for SMERSH.

Minnie Bannister

I don't know if he'll get back to me now, but I just couldn't resist that! Laughing

PS...

Quote:

What's the matter Mr. Pleasance, cat got your tongue?

Minnie

Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 12:49 pm

Wow,someone has done some serious de-eduaction there Laughing

Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 4:59 pm

Your lad sounds like more like Dr Evil than Blofeld. Laughing

Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 6:15 pm

I liked

Quote:

I enclose my certificate of assassination as proof

Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 6:20 pm

Quote:

In my line of work it's best not to ask questions of a man with a dueling scar and a white cat.

The cat was a nice touch! How can he not be evil when he's holding a cat?! *Laughing*

Elite Baiter Joined: 10 Oct 2010 Posts: 1506

yes, that script is all sunshines fault Twisted Evil

and our hitlad shared it with other lads... Very Happy

Posted: Sat Jun 09, 2012 11:03 pm

excellent, is the fee for $1000000 by any chance, where's Mr Bigglesworth also hahahaha

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 1:09 am

So we meet again Mr Bond...................

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 11:05 am

doc holliday wrote:

Wow,someone has done some serious de-eduaction there Laughing

Guilty as charged Embarassed

With any luck if you ask him to prove he's really an assassin you'll get his Certificate of Guild Membership.

Kiwi Fruitcake Joined: 02 Jul 2009 Posts: 2304

sunshine wrote:

doc holliday wrote:

Wow,someone has done some serious de-eduaction there Laughing

Guilty as charged Embarassed

With any luck if you ask him to prove he's really an assassin you'll get his Certificate of Guild Membership.

You rock!

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 12:46 pm

sunshine, I am in awe and admiration. Not only did you de-educate a lad, he saw fit to sell that script to his lad-land buddies. Smile

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 1:31 pm

Well duelling scars and cats don't scare me.

Sharks with lasers attached to their fins on the other hand. Shocked

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 5:44 pm

I'm trying him again with another character using a new tack.
Enter Finola LaDoudle, former international prostitute and bon viveur.

Quote:

Mr Teatime
Whatever SMERSH are paying you, I will pay you double if you will come and work for me. Your threat to me has little meaning. I am 82 and have had more men than you've had hot dinners (I have also been known to "play" with the odd horse) as I was a well known courtesan in post war Paris. I have had a good run so if you want to kill me that would be of little consequence as I have grown tired of life and it no longer has any sparkle for me. If you come and work for me however, I will make you a rich man and at the same time some of my enemies will meet with their deserved ends.
I hope my proposition excites your interest.

Cordially

Finola LaDoudle

Kiwi Fruitcake Joined: 02 Jul 2009 Posts: 2304

Captain Pugwash wrote:

Well duelling scars and cats don't scare me.

Sharks with lasers attached to their fins on the other hand. Shocked

^ The picture is clickable so the author gets the credit he deserves. I recommend

Posted: Sun Jun 10, 2012 10:05 pm

Quote:

I had already bought the shire horse stallion

That's impressive. Shires tend to be even larger than Clydesdales.

Quote:

In my line of work it's best not to ask questions of a man with a dueling scar and a white cat.

That's out of From Russia With Love, right?

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 7:58 am

^^^^

You Only Live Twice.

Incidentally I found out when I was putting the script together for the lad that there really was an organisation called SMERSH. They were a wartime counter-espionage department of the KGB

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 8:24 am

I've managed to get Dai Teatime, AKA Spike Dwaggin, off-script.
For Finola LaDoudle, his threat was tiresome...

Quote:

Mr Teatime
Whatever SMERSH are paying you, I will pay you double if you will come and work for me. Your threat to me has little meaning. I am 82 and have had more men than you've had hot dinners (I have also been known to "play" with the odd horse) as I was a well known courtesan in post war Paris. I have had a good run so if you want to kill me that would be of little consequence as I have grown tired of life and it no longer has any sparkle for me. However, If you come and work for me, I will make you a rich man and at the same time some of my enemies will meet with their deserved ends.
I hope my proposition excites your interest.

Cordially

Finola LaDoudle

But he wrote back with the same old stuff as before...

Quote:

It's someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now.............

blah, blah, blah...

So Finola slapped him.

Quote:

Mr Teatime
You didn't read what I sent you, did you? READ IT NOW!
Work for me and you can have DOUBLE what you've asked for here.
Do yourself a favour and stop acting like small fry.

Finola LaDoudle

Now she's got his interest...

Quote:

Okay you said I should work for you and you will pay me and my men's double? What kind of job did you want us to do for you and how much
are you willing to pay us?

Toodle Pip!

Dai Teatime
International Assassin

...but Finola wants some proof!

Quote:

Hello Mr Teatime
Thank you for reading my message to you and yes, I will pay you and your men double whatever SMERSH is paying you now. But first things first. You said that you had a certificate of assassination but it was not attached to your original email to me. Please send it to me as proof that you are an assassin. Forgive my saying this Mr. Teatime, but anyone can write a threatening email. I need to know for sure that you are indeed an international assassin and are up to the jobs I have in mind. A resumé of the jobs you have undertaken in the past would also be useful.
As a taster, and to kindle your interest. I am willing to pay you and each of your men $30,000 per job. In my days as a high end call girl in the fifties and sixties, I met a great many very important men who were willing to pay handsomely to keep their activities with me private and out of the public gaze. I also married and divorced one of them. Consequently I am a very wealthy woman. Please therefore have no doubt that, as far as you are concerned, money is no object.
I look forward to hearing from you.

Finola LaDoudle

Can't WAIT to see that certificate!! Razz

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:13 am

@ Mortal

@ Jimlad, forgot to mention before. I think this is the Nikita your hitman is referring to.

I think a it was remade a few years ago.

Talking of which. I do hope we are going to get the full set of characters in this bait. Goldfinger, Pussy Galore, Jaws etc?...

And don't forget Léon Laughing

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:22 am

I hope I can string him along for a while, but I may need some help with this one. I'm winging it at the moment! Neutral

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 9:27 am

Jimlad wrote:

but I may need some help with this one.

Lasers, jet-pack and a submarine that packs down into a crocodile skin attaché case??? Confused

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 4:21 pm

Finola LaDoudle managed to get Hitlad Spike's credentials. Beautiful, aren't they!?

Now he wants $6,000 before he does anything else. I don't think Mme. LaDoudle will accept that....

Posted: Mon Jun 11, 2012 7:10 pm

Except they are only valid for one year from the exam date. It's long expired. Rolling Eyes

Tsk... tsk... He'll just have to retake so he's up to date with the latest murder methods and has health and safety at work compliance. Wink

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 3:27 am

Pfft, I can't respect any assassin who hasn't reached at least reached the rank of Metallica.

Posted: Tue Jun 12, 2012 3:44 am

^^^ For me, they have to reach the rank of Megadeth before I even consider being scared... Laughing

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 9:24 am

Mme LaDoudle was indignant about his demand for money with nothing in return...

Quote:

Mr Teatime
I did not get where I am today by paying for services I did not receive. What I will do is ask you to tell me which country you are in. This will give me an idea of which enemy I can have in mind for termination...I have enemies all over the world. I will then send you $6,000 via Moneygram and when you have done a little something for me, not a hit at this stage, just, say a photograph of my intended victim, I will give you the registration number (MTCN) and you will be able to get the money immediately. From then on we can do business on a more serious level.
Sound fair?

Finola LaDoudle

This request makes my lad a bit peeved.

Quote:

Sorry but no need to know where I'm, Are you willing to co-operate or not?????????? no further corresponding until you do what i said. before i will
listen to what you are saying, that is my word.

NIKITA

Toodle Pip!

Dai Teatime
International Assassin

Finola hammers home the point, unfazed by his anger.

Quote:

Mr Teatime

If you think I am paying you $6,000 before you've done anything for me you are not living in the real world. If you think you know where I am, you are welcome to try and kill me, but I can assure you Mr Teatime, that as a pupil of the great Pussy Galore, I know how to disappear. You will not find me if I do not want to be found. My offer stands however, if you change your mind and choose to see sense.

Finola LaDoudle

Nearly a week went by with no response. Then it seems he did change his mind. Times must be hard in Muguland and this boi is obviously a glutton for punishment. Smile

Quote:

Listen to me, this is exactly what happened to the other person because he did not Act according to my instruction and know He has lost his life. I will advice you for the last time to go ahead and make the payment or else you have your self to balm. I will wipe all your family away including the animal. Do you know if the person given you this advice not to make the payment want you out of the world,

NIKITA

Toodle Pip!

Dai Teatime
International Assassin

So Mme LaDoudle decides to wind him up a bit with a few slaps and goading questioning of his credentials...

Quote:

Mr Teatime
The reason I'm not taking you very seriously is because of that certificate you sent me. Not all that convincing, is it? I even suspect that you made it up yourself. For a start the word privileges is misspelt, you clearly have no idea what a 'protuberance' is and if you knew what felching was, and believe me I do, you wouldn't be claiming to be in its brotherhood...particularly if it involved goats! Aside from all that, the rank of slayer really isn't all that impressive. It makes you about as dangerous as a feather duster. I've known teenagers who were further up the food chain than that. Is that it? You're a teenager pretending to be an assassin and you just don't know any better??
Let me ask you this Mr Teatime (even your name doesn't exactly strike the correct note of fear does it?) If you are even a half decent hitman, you'll know where I am. Just the country will do. I know where I am so it's not really giving much of your secrecy away if you merely confirm it. You see I don't think you have a clue because you have threatened my family and my "animal" when I have neither. So. Where am I Mr Teatime? Tell me that much at least and I'll send you your $15,000 right away, if only because it sounds like you need it you poor thing.
I look forward to your answer.

I've used the stick but dangled the carrot. Will he bite like a good lad?

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