Pointless Letters

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** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to complain about all the pointless letters on this website being written on this message board.

All too often I see people writing letters on here that have no reason to exist and no point (and that goes for the people as well).

If this situation does not cease immediately I shall be forced to declare war on pebbles, small rubber hammers, Mrs BJ Smegma and anyone else who know me.

If people should feel the need to write more pointless letters they should do below at their earliest convenience.

Up Yours Sincerely,

Ima Looney
47 Nuthouse Crescent
Slough

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:35 am

Dear Sir/Madam,

I would like to complain about the pointless letter about all the pointless letters being written on this message board.

All things have points, like my Imperial Japanese Army sword bayonet, and the thing I use to scratch that bit between the shoulder blades that I can never reach, and that toenail that I always forget to cut. As someone who has been killed in six wars for my country, I have the right to hold forth on any topic that I know nothing about.

If this Looney chappy/bint does not immediately withdraw his insinuations, tergiservations, accusations, and other words some bastards always use to beat me at scrabble, I will be obliged to charge my clients a higher rate.

If anyone else wishes to write pointful letters at once, I suggest they do so in the comfort of their own conveniences. I certainly did.

Bust washers,

Yora Burke
69, Dontstandtoo Close
Beccles

P.S. I did not kiss the editor of the Radio Times, though I did fondle his bottom, as I thought he was Hungarian.

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 11:55 am

Dear Sir/Madam

I would like to complain. Thank you.

Yours irreverently.

Ms A. Nal
Snottnose Crescent
Twisted-in-the-Marsh

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:07 pm

Dear sir/madam

I would like to complain about the number of pointless threads in general chat. I have to read all of them and it is taking away from time I could spend in the mod lounge. I believe now that you have been informed of this the posts will be only of the highest quality.

thank you for your time,

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 1:18 pm

Dear Mods,

I am completely disgusted with the pointlessness of the this pointless thread about pointless letters. They are pointless and redundant.

I am completely disgusted with the pointlessness of the this pointless thread about pointless letters. They are pointless and redundant.

I am completely disgusted with the pointlessness of the this pointless thread about pointless letters. They are pointless and redundant.

I am completely disgusted with the pointlessness of the this pointless thread about pointless letters. They are pointless and redundant.

Sincerely,

Cabeza Grande
Hencho en Mexico

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 2:07 pm

Is nobody listening to friday3, he doesn't like pointless letters and/or threads. Anyway here is a pointless letter O

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

Letters are pointless
Why post them at all for us
Wind in the tree, brisk

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

Dear Sir/Madam/Hermaphrodyte,

I think you should know that these pointless letters have had an undue effluence caused by Mr Jeremy Hunt.

I expect your resignation and a free years subscription to Sky TV by the end of the week.

Your screwed,

R. Murdoch,
Hacker Crescent,
Much Breaking-of-the-Law

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 4:34 pm

#1:

The larch

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 5:15 pm

in this image there are 47 people, none of them can be seen.

OP will you stand up please?

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

Dear All,

Not only have we got pointless letters, we now have pointless pictures as well!

I demand a shrubbery!

Yours sincerely,

William Knickers

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 7:17 pm

ur wish iz r kommand

da ratz

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

Dear Fruitbat,

That shrubbery is no good and I am no longer a Knight who says Ni!

Now suck this small sulpher and liquorice bomb!

Regards,

Major Denis Bloodnock of the 3rd Mounted Cash Registers

Posted: Wed Apr 25, 2012 9:58 pm

Dear assorted persons

I am sick and tired of people telling me that I'm sick and tired. I'm not - and I'm sick and tired of people saying that I am.

Yours sincerely
B. A. Mann
13, Filletsof Place
Chipping Sodbury

PS I wish to point out that Major Dennis Bloodnok only served three weeks with the Third Mounted Cash Registers; the bulk of his career (except for the time in the glasshouse, which was considerable), was with the Third Disgusting Fusiliers (see I Marched Him In by A. Minor-Character, price 10/6).

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 2:33 am

"Chicago" is a French variant of a Miami-Illini word that means "wild garlic." English reformer Sir Edwin Chadwick once designed a machine he said could bathe a man against his will in five minutes, a woman in four minutes, and a child in three. High levels of menthol cigarette advertising have been noted near California high schools. German police were disappointed with a cadaver vulture named Sherlock Holmes, who confused animal for human remains. Las Vegas has the highest number of churches per capita of any American city. Cell phones can cause bees to act erratically. The US Congress once funded a study to determine why prison inmates want to escape. The world's oldest panda died in 2011 at the age of thirty four. A hunter in Yorkshire was fined for shooting a swan he thought was a goose. Economic recession has caused birth rates in Europe to stagnate.

Members of on line forums tend to loathe pointless pedantry.

You have no complaint.

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 5:47 am

Dear friday3

When things get you down

When life just seems to too much

Just close your eyes

And sing

*Ying tong
Ying tong
Ying tong
Ying tong iddle i po
Ying tong iddle i po
Ying tong iddle i po* (repeat from *)

Yours
Eccles

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 6:22 am

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

TheDane wrote:

Dear Sir,

Will you please return my foot as soon as possible. I am missing it and require it to get about.

Yours at sea,

Captain Ahab

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 10:58 am

Dear members,

Friday3 really enjoys pictures, I find them much easier to read. I would like to thank those members for their concern regarding my previous concerns. There are actually 48 people you missed the guy in green. I'm sooo happy Lotta is back, she better be staying. I have a cow at home. Or do I? Good question.

Once again, all concerns and pointless posts show be directed to tsnerd.

regards
friday3

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 12:48 pm

Dear Sir,

The consignments of women arriving from England are not up to War Office standards. As it is, we are returning two crates of them which went off during the voyage.
As you know, we soldiers consider women to be a sacred animal.
Please expedite.

Yours sincerely,
Major Dennis Bloodnok
OBE, MT, MT, MT, and MT

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 7:12 pm

Mr. Snerd,

I could write a very angry letter right now about Maj. Dennis Bloodnok, but I decided instead merely to express some constructive criticism. The full truth of my conclusion I shall develop in the course of this letter but the conclusion's general outline is that Maj. Bloodnok has been eating our nation to its bones. It's time to even the score. I suggest that we begin by notifying people of the fact that disgraceful, money-grubbing anarchists often take earthworms or similar small animals and impale them on a pin to enjoy watching them twist and writhe as they slowly die. Similarly, Maj. Bloodnok enjoys watching respectable people twist and writhe whenever he threatens to create an unwelcome climate for those of us who are striving to rally good-hearted people to the side of our cause.

Unlike everyone else in the world, Maj. Bloodnok seriously believes that advertising is the most veridical form of human communication. Woo woooo! Here comes the clue train. Last stop: Maj. Bloodnok.

I'm not the first to mention that Maj. Bloodnok's reprehensible, rambunctious declamations compromise the free and open nature of public discourse. Maj. Bloodnok then blames us for that. Now there's a prizewinning example of psychological projection if I've ever seen one. He doesn't want us to know about his plans to sucker us into buying a lot of junk we don't need. Otherwise, we might do something about that. Although I can no more change the past than see the future, it's safe to say that Maj. Bloodnok once tried to convince a bunch of us that newspapers should report only on items he agrees with. Fortunately, calmer heads prevailed, and a number of people informed the rest of the gang that an armed revolt against Maj. Bloodnok is morally justified. However, I maintain that it is not yet strategically justified. In summary, it is my prayer that people everywhere will join me in my quest to tear down Maj. Dennis Bloodnok's fortress of egotism.

Alister Chav Esq.

Boondocks, NH

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

^^^

Dear Sir,

I'd sue you for libel and slander (but libel is what you put on a suitcase and slander is a sort of lizard).

I currently share my fortress of egotism with Ms Rita Plague of Lewisham. Tear it down at your peril!

I shall challenge you to a duel. Swords or pistols!

Major Denis Bloodnock
3rd Disgusting Fusiliers
Afghanistan

Posted: Thu Apr 26, 2012 8:24 pm

Dearest Major,

I will face you with a strawberry. Nothing less!

Cheers,

Alister Chav Esq.

bcc: TSnerd

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 06 Mar 2012 Posts: 173

Dear Mr Chav,

Your strawberry does not frighten me!

(I am writing this letter inside a suit of armour and sitting in a sherman tank).

Thank you for your bucket.

D Bloodnock (Mrs)

Posted: Fri Apr 27, 2012 12:30 pm

Dear D Bloodnock (Mrs)

I would just like to iterate that I have in fact seen Alister Chav Esq's strawberry and it should indeed fill you with fear. I'd never seen one that colour before.

Yours faithfully,
A Chav's girl, DipHE, KGB, MFI