Don't mention the war!

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Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 9:55 am

But I did...

(Be informed that Mal's views are not necessarily my own)

General Um4r Y4kubu, one of the Generals in the Ghanaian Army with nothing better to do than shift trunkboxes, and whom I've been sparring with on and off for just over seven months, was trying to reassure Mal that all was well:

Quote:

SIR HOW IS YOUR HEALTH AND HOW IS YOUR FAMILY, HOPE FINE WITH YOU ALL OVER THERE, IF SO THANKS TO ALLAH ALMIGHTY.
SIR I WRITE TO INFORM YOU THAT I HAVE NOW BE ARRANGING THINGS WITH THE SAFE SHIPMENT OF THE CONSIGNMENTS BOXES TO YOU THIS WEEK, SO BE HAPPY NOW AND GET READY TO RECEIVE THIS WEEK.
ALSO DO WELL TO SEND TO ME AS URGENT YOUR COMPLETE DELIVERY DETAILS.
I AWAIT YOUR URGENT RESPONSE SIR.
BE HAPPY NOW FOR YOU WILL RECEIVE THIS WEEK.

But this must have come as a surprise:

Quote:

I don't think Allah, if he exists, would do anything for me, as I've killed quite a few Moslems in my time.

His fury was a joy to see:

Quote:

LISTEN CAREFULLY TO ME.
YOU ARE A VERY STUPID MAN TO TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE KILLED SO MANY OF MY MUSLEM BROTHERS.
INDEED YOU ARE A VERY BIG FOOL.
HOW ARE WHICH I AM WITH YOU, I WILL PROOVE IT TO YOU THAT I AM A MUSLEM MAN AND A MILITARY MAN.
YOU ARE A VERY BIG FOOL AND FOR THIS, I WILL MAKE YOPU NEVER TO RECEIVE ANY OF YOUR CONSIGNMENTS HERE IN GHANA.
SO STOP ALL YOUR DEALS HERE IN GHANA FOR YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE FROM GHANA AGAIN.
I ASSURE AND PROMISE YOU.
SINCERELY.
REGARDS.

Time-stamped twenty minutes later was this:

Quote:

DEAR SIR.
YOU WILL RUN BACK TO ME.
YOU WILL CRY AND BEG ME TO HELP YOU.
I TELL YOU THIS TODAY BECAUSE YOU REAL CONSIGNMENTS BOXES ARE THE BOXES HERE WITH ME.
FUCK YOU.
REGARDS.

A quick response to the first:

Quote:

Payback for 9/11, asshole - my only regret is that I didn't get more in my sights in Iraq.

Parts of my reply to the second emiail aren't exactly original:

Quote:

Oh, and another thing - I'm pretty sure by now that you, like all the other Ghanaian generals, are a gorram liar, thief, and maggot.
In Fallujah in 2003 the company I commanded surprised thirty Saddamite terrorists in a bomb factory. I confronted one terrorist who dropped his AK-47 and smiled at me – he believed I'd spare his life. He was wrong.
I was carrying an M-4 Masterkey, an assault carbine with an underslung shotgun barrel that’s normally used to blow open locked doors. I shot him in the face with the shotgun and destroyed his head completely; painted the wall behind him with blood, bone and brain tissue.
Pray that we never meet. If we ever do, and I have the means, I will do that to you, without hesitation because you don't deserve to live.

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 10:10 am

^^ Wow, you're in a good mood Laughing

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:07 am

Quote:

I was carrying an M-4 Masterkey, an assault carbine with an underslung shotgun barrel that’s normally used to blow open locked doors. I shot him in the face with the shotgun and destroyed his head completely; painted the wall behind him with blood, bone and brain tissue.

- Written and directed by Quentin Tarantino

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:19 am

^The weapon is actually derived from the Delta Force III FPS game. The rest is my own (and often used).

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:58 pm

http://www.knightarmco.com/m203_12ga.html

One of these?
An interesting alternative to my present weaponry.
Where can I pick one up?
My regular salesguy at Sephora couldn't find it in their catalogue.

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:17 pm

Lad fury is fun to see. Nice.

I am more of a fan C7a2 with underslung grenade launcher, or an old FN-FAL, but M4's are fun Very Happy

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:59 am

The lad rant was so awesome. and I prefer the laser targeted Rocket Launcher in Saints Row2

Posted: Fri Sep 30, 2011 12:05 pm

The Lad has more to say:

Quote:

I THINK YOU ARE OVER STEPPING NOW.
WELL I DO NOT BLAME YOU BECAUSE I AM FAR FROM YOU.
HOW ARE WHICH I AM THERE WITH YOU, I BELIEVE BY NOW YOU WOULD HAVE NO WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF.
WELL THANKS TO ALLAH THAT I AM FAR FROM YOU.
YOU ARE VERY LUCKY.
INSHA ALLAH, YOU ARE VERY LUCKY.
I WOULD HAVE PROVE IT TO YOU THAT I AM A MUSLEM AND ALSO A MILITARY MAN.
A REAL MUSLEM MILITARY MAN WITHOUT FEAR OF ANYONE.
YOU ARE LUCKY.
FUCK YOU.
REGARDS.
GENERAL UMAR Y4KUBU.

Mal was breezy in response:

Quote:

Overstepping, maybe, but pretty much nailing it. As for what you're capable of... you might make me laugh, but that's about all.
I killed a number of Moslem military men as well as terrorists - count your blessings, big-time loser.

But hark, a turn away!

Quote:

DEAR MALCOLM.
I REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU BECAUSE WE ARE FAR FROM EACH OTHER.
I THINK ITS A WASTE OF TIME TALKING TO YOU.
BUT BE WELL INFORM THAT I ONLY WANTED TO HELP YOU AND DELIVER TO YOU YOUR CONSIGNMENTS.
I KNOW THAT YOU WILL SURELY THANK ME IF ONLY YOU GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO DELIVER TO YOU.
I WILL NOT WANT US TO BE QUARRELING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO DELIVER TO YOU.
SO IF YOU REALLY NEED ME TO DELIVER TO YOU, THEN LETS STOP ARGUING AND QUARRELING WITH EACH OTHER FOR YOU AND I WILL CELEBRATE AND SMILE TOGETHER AS SOON AS I DELIVER TO YOU.
REGARDS.
GENERAL UM4R Y4KUBU.

This more or less is where it all began.

Quote:

Why should I believe a word that you say?

And then...

Quote:

DEAR M4LCOLM.
GOOD DAY TO YOU AND THANKS FOR YOUR EMAIL RESPONSE.
MALCOLM I REALLY WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THAT I WILL DELIVER TO YOU.
I KNOW THAT ITS HARD FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND OR BELIEVE ME BUT I WANT YOU TO TRY TO GIVE ME A CHANCE TO PROVE IT TO YOU.
I HAVE ALSO DELIVERED TO OTHERS LIKE YOU AND WITH MY LEGAL AUTHORITY, SO GIVE A CHANCE FOR I WILL DELIVER TO YOU TOO.
ALL WE JUST NEEDED A CLEARANCE DOCUMENT THAT WILL BACKUP THE SAFE SHIPMENT AND DELIVERY TO YOU THERE IN YOUR COUNTRY.
I ALREADY HAVE ALL DELIVERY LICENSE AND PERMIT, SO FEE FREE FOR I WILL DELIVER SAFELY/SUCCESSFULLY AND POSITIVELY TO YOU.
AS SOON AS WE GET THE CLEARANCE DOCUMENTS, THEN I WILL IMMEDIATELY DEPART TO DELIVER TO YOU YOUR CONSIGNMENTS.
SO RIGHT NOW I WANT YOU TO GET TO ME WITH YOUR COMPLETE DELIVERY ADDRESS, ANY FORM OF YOUR IDENTITY.
I PROMISE TO DELIVER TO YOU.
INSHA ALLAH, I PROMISE YOU WITH ALLAH THE GREAT.
GET BACK TO ME AS URGENT.
REGARDS.
GENERAL UM4R Y4KUBU.

Quote:

DEAR SIR.
I KNOW THAT YOU AND I WILL CELEBRATE TOGETHER AS SOON AS I ARRIVE AND DELIVER TO YOU, SO PLEASE LETS STOP QUARRELING OR ARGUING FOR WE WILL BOTH SMILE AND CELEBRATE TOGETHER AS SOON AS I ARRIVE AND HANDOVER TO YOU.
I PROMISE YOU M4LCOLM,
ALL WE JUST NEEDED IS THE CLEARANCE DOCUMENTS THAT WILL BACKUP THE SAFE SHIPMENT AND DELIVERY TO YOU, THESE ARE THE DOCUMENTS THAT I HAVE OBTAINED THAT ENABLE TO ME TO DELIVER TO OTHERS TOO.
AND AS A MILITARY MAN, THERE WILL BE NO DIFFICULTIES, SO TRUST ME FOR I WILL DELIVER SUCCESSFULLY TO YOU AS SOON AS I GET THIS CLEARANCE DOCUMENTS.
GET BACK TO ME AS URGENT MY DEAR FRIEND MR MALCOLM.
REGARDS.
GENERAL UM4R Y4KUBU.

Baiting Guru Joined: 10 Oct 2003 Posts: 4747

So a “REAL MUSLEM MILITARY MAN” says fuck repeatedly?