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 Emily insults Pope - enter Monty Python, Clouseau and more

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Gold Hat
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 1:20 am Reply with quoteBack to top

My latest completed bait:

Emily sends a request to help her and a son get money from the security company and you know the rest. As the bait develops so does Emily's attitude and that of her lawyer. Instead of the usual slap I try the soft and delicate approach with Sister Conny always acquiescing until the hook is set. The fatal mistake is when they insult the Pope! Then I lash out with insult after insult and some taunts (borrowing heavily from Monty Python and Inspector Clouseau) and finally finishing with a death curse from an African witch doctor chief.

Strangely, she never wrote back?

The Cast:
Emily and her lawyer Franklin Oko
Sister Conny Lingus and Father Ivan Oflcokitch
My comments in [Brackets and Bold] with interesting stuff underlined


August 25----------From : emmilyguret
To : connylingus----------Subject : CONFIDENTIAL PLEASE Conny

In brief introduction, I'm Mrs.Emily Guret from Sierra-Leone. My husband Mr Jonhson Guret was the
former operations manager of the Sierra Leone Gold and Diamond cooperation during the tenure of the
democratically elected head of state president Ahmed Tijan Kabbah who was forced out of office by the rebels led by major Paul Koromah.As a result of the overthrow, top government officials and top civil servants who the rebel soldiers captured at the miningtown of Bangashi district where he was in charge, where all killed, may his gentle soul rest in peace. After the assassination of my late husband JohnsonGuret of Blessed Memory. I was busy ransacking his book sheeves, incidentally, I found a key to his underground safe in his family villa. Upon my opening to his undergroud safe, I was surprised to notice among other things (1) Big trunk box which contained the sum of US$65m. Dollars (Sixty Five Million Dollars)
[the usual crap - security company - money - box - etc]
Mrs.Emily Guret & Son


Date: Thu, 26 Aug----------From: emmily
To: conny----------Subject: moral support.

Dear Sir,
Thank you for your prompt reply to my mail.Iappreciate your thoughts and your interest in
assisting me in my present problems. First of all, before I proceed in undertaking any of
your instructions, I will like you to forward to me first
1.Your international passport copy.
2. A picture of you and your family.
I do not need your money and I will not like you to spend your money in assisting me.
What I need from you, is your moral support.
Mrs. Guret,


Sent : August 28----------From :emmily
To : Conny----------Subject : THANK YOU
Dear Sir,
I have my estate which is the stated consignment in the security company.I have contacted you for your assistance which is up to you to decide if you are going to assist me or not.I cannot withhold your
conscience.You are free to take the decision you like.
I have to give you condition, and you do not have any right to give me any condition whatsoever on mypersonal property.What are you?
If you do not wish to further this, you are free tofurther your job in your office.
I am proud of what I have and I am not a fool.
Mrs. Guret


Sent: Aug 31----------From: Conny
To: Emily----------Subject: Please Accept Our Sincere Apology
Dear Mrs. Guret -
I have just today returned from a Threesome Breeding Retreat at Icybuns Bay and read your email.
May I begin by saying how upset I am that you think we have taken you for a fool. Please believe me when I say that, after receiving your tragic letter, we know exactly what you are. Please accept our sincerest apology for any misunderstanding regarding our request for proof of identification. As a result of my mistake Mother Superior Jenny Tulls has administered a strict course of purification and self-flagellation to ensure that I do not make this type of error again.

You see dear Emily, our group has had some bad experiences in the past. The Christ Union Mission (C. U. M.) has helped many people in Africa in many ways. And we will continue to do everything we can to alleviate suffering in that fetid and squalid quagmire. But recently we lost one of our dear Sisters near Batkanu, Sierra Leone. She had replied to a letter asking for assistance from a destitute Christian family of members of C.U.M.. She traveled to the area with food and clothing but never arrived. She was kidnapped by RUF rebels, led by some terrible person by the name of Fokay Sankoh. She was then turned over to a group of aliens who anally probed her for weeks. Ultimately falling victim to the Stockholm syndrome, she has joined the aliens and was last seen skipping commando through the underbrush near Kabala. We are hoping to send a rescue unit later in the year.

That is why in most cases we ask for photographic identification to be sure that nothing bad will happen. In your case it obviously was not needed. Again we apologize for hurting your feelings. We guarantee you will be dealt with in a much different manner in the future.

If we can still be of any assistance in helping with the consignment please let us know. We also have a fund of money that can be used to help you in this matter if you need financial assistance before receiving the consignment.

God Bless You,
Sister Conny Lingus
Christ Union Mission, Fokitscold, Iqaluit, Canada


[ She is somewhat mystified by Conny's contrite response]

Sent : August 31----------From : emmily
To : Conny Lingus----------Subject : mail!!
Dear Conny
If you are genuine and authentic, forward to me your telephone, fax coordinates and contact address so thatmy lawyer can speak with you. Mrs. Guret -


Sent: Aug 31----------From: Conny
To: Emily----------Subject: Please call us soon
Dearest Mrs. Guret -
Your email had made my heart sing with joy and laxative relief. You have obviously forgiven us for the earlier transgression. Trust me Emily, it will not happen again - you are in charge of this operation.

I hope that we can be personal here and you don't mind if I call you Emily. Please call me Sister Conny Lingus, NOT Conny. Using only one name in our order is an insult - so watch it!
[ you bitch]

Iqaluit is the capital of Nunavut but the city and suburbs only have about 6,000 people so C.U.M has to share phones. That's okay because anybody who answers will get the person you want to talk to. Also please remember that for most of the people who answer the phones, English is their second language, so speak slowly.

I have asked Father Ivan Oflcokitch and Father Mike O'Kurtz to be available when you call. This is a busy time of the year for me as the annual Muskox breeding rut is taking place and I will be working with Major Estrus to assist the animals. It may be difficult to reach me during some times. But please call, we would love to talk to you. Try all 3 numbers, you are bound to get somebody.

[b][ The following are real phone numbers to municipal offices. I know, shouldn't bother the nice people but hey! - they may find it funny too. The lawyer really did call and I would have given anything to see the look on the face of the person answering when they heard "father ivan oflcokitch" I can only guess at the response]

Here are the details you requested:
Regular Mailing Address:
Christ Union Mission, Building 69
007 Stretch Bearanus Way
Fokitscold, Iqualuit, Canada, Postal Code: X0A 0H0

Telephone Numbers:

1 - Father Ivan - (867) 979-xxxx - Robert may answer. If he does, speak slowly and just say "Father Ivan Oflcokitch". He is just in the next building and Robert will get him straight away.

2 - Father Mike - (867) 979-xxxx - Kevin may answer. Again speak slowly and just say "Father Mike O'Kurtz. He is usually upstairs in the Sisters' drawers and will cum quickly.

3 - Sister Conny - (867) 979-xxxx - Sister Tess Steckles (my assistant) may answer. She speaks very little English. Just say "SMEGMA" - that means "get the boss" in the local language.

Fax Number

We don't uses a fax anymore because it is old technology. But the good people in the next building will be happy to receive and send faxes if this helps. When you send a fax, address the cover page to "Mike O'Kurtz and Ivan Oflcokitch with C.U.M". Do NOT, repeat do NOT use the title "Father" on the cover sheet as the office is run by a band of Lakota Sioux and this word means "crushed gonads", so be careful please.

The FAX number is (867) 979-xxxx.

I hope all this simplifies things. We are so looking forward to hear from you so that we can begin to assist you in your noble and majestic quest for the realignment of your modalities in the form of pecuniary and financial matters that have heretofore escaped the grotty grasp of linguosity. [?]

One other thing, please note that we are located just south of the Arctic Circle so our time zone is plus 9 hours GMT if you are calling from the Northern Hemisphere. If however, you are south of the Equator add an extra 2 hours for Monday to Friday during regular business hours. If you are south of the Mason-Dixon Line you may be out of luck because it may be Republican time. And of course, as it is written in the Book of Larry, we do not accept calls from Belgium or Manchester United.

Please call, email or fax real soon.

Regards from your new CUM friends,

Sister Conny Lingus, Christ Union Mission, Fokitscold, Nunavut, Canada


Sent : September 2----------From :emmily
To : Conny Lingus----------Subject : Response!!

Dear Sister Conny Lingus,

My lawyer Mr Franklin Amechi Okoh told me that he has called your number, somebody picked it and
dropped.He called again and it was on answeringmachine.If you wish to proceed further, you should call myattorney on his phone or with the following contacts.
TELEPHONE: +228-915xxxx
EMAIL:[email protected]

Thank you and God Bless you. - Mrs Emily

[Hmmmm . . .all the way from Nigeria - must have been expensive!]


Sent: Sept 3 ----------From: Conny
To: Emily----------Subject: This is not good!

Dearest Emily -
I was quite distressed when I received your latest email. Please extend my sincere apology to Mr. Okoh, your attorney for his inconvenience.

I have spoken to all the people who use these phones and no one seems to remember a call from Africa. Which number did he call? Only Father Ivan's phone has a machine and that is only used at night. Of course after hours he sometimes gets it up with one of the sisters for a wee tipple and a game of hide the salami. So he may have been interrupted.

Please have your attorney call again during regular business hours and I am sure he will get through. We are all looking forward to helping you.

Sister Conny at C.U.M.


Sent : September 6 ----------From : emmily
To : Conny Lingus----------Subject : Re: This is not good!

Dear Conny Lingus

I was with my lawyer few munites ago and he calledyour number and it was on answering machine.He has called the number more than 10times and it was still on answering machine, there is no way to reach you. The number called was 001-867-979-xxxx.

So, I do not know what else to do. God Bless you. Emily.

[Oh No! - called more that 10 times - must be pissed]


Sent: Sept 7----------From: Connny
To: Emily----------Subject: What a to do . . . .!

Dearest Emily -
I must apologize once again for your difficulty. Trust me I feel bad that you and your lawyer have wasted this time and money.

Are you calling during business hours? Also when it is storming and we cannot get to the offices, all of the phones in the complex are automatically switched to the answering machine. This is a precautionary measure given our experience of last year when Mungo Lipshitz nearly died trying to call his girlfriend Molly Sixfeathers. He survived but lost most of his right gonad.

The best idea for now is to send a FAX to Father Ivan Oflcokitch and Father Mike O'Kurtz at the number provided earlier (867) 979-xxxx. There is no real need to talk to me as the good Fathers look after all the business stuff and they have agreed to help you. They have also said that if any money is needed to help you, the funds can be taken from the Mission Account. I hope this might help.

We truly want to help - let's solve this communication problem today.

Sister Conny


[ Oh! Oh! - Emily is pissed and so is her lawyer. In fact, they go so far as to INSULT THE POPE]

From : emmily----------Sent : September 7
To : Conny Lingus ----------Subject : No fax!!!

dear Sister Conny Lingus,

My lawyer has said that he will not send any fax to unkown person, be him an archbishop, BISHOP OR POPEJOHN PAUL 11.He insisted that one of you should make a call to him, if that is not applicable, I should look for another person.
God Bless You. Bye Emily.


Sent: Sept 7----------From: Conny
To: Emily----------Subject: What is the number?

Dearest Emily -

I regret that you are unable to send the FAX. Notwithstanding, I will have one of the Fathers call your lawyer when you provide the number. I can assume that the call should be made during regular business hours in Togo or the United Kingdom? [the latter location is a subtle hint that I know where she is located]

I must say that your lawyer is very rude to comment such as that. We are only trying to help! I strongly suggest that he not use that tone when speaking to one of the Fathers. They will not put up with such insolence. I take it that in his tribe it is acceptable to insult friends who are people of the church?

Just this morning we had a discussion on how we could assist you financially until you managed to obtain the big trunk box from the security company in Lome. We have an emergency fund for contingencies such as this, so if you require some assistance, please let me know.

Waiting to help. Sister Conny


Sent : September 7----------From : emmily guret
To : Conny Lingus ----------Subject : Re: What is the number? +228-915-xxxxx

Dear Sister Conny Lingus
The number has been provided for you .I am repeating
it again.+228-915xxx.TOGO COUNTRY CODE:+228CITY CODE: 915TELEPHONE NUMBER:xx

My lawyer is not rude, and he will not be. Emily.

[Okay, let the battle begin]

Sent: Sept 8 ----------From: Conny
To: Emily----------Subject: You are correct

Dearest Emily -
Thank you for correcting me. I did have the number in a previous email. I also note that I have the email address of the lawyer.

But I am still upset about the insulting comments from Mr. Okoh. Furthermore, I find your terse comment that he "is not rude" to be unacceptable. You do not seem to care about respecting His Holiness John Paul or our beliefs even though we have done everything to assist you. Just yesterday out committee approved funds to help you before the money is transferred. But you still allow an incompetent lawyer, who is unable to place a simple call, to insult the Christ Union Mission. This is unacceptable.

Father Ivan has taken it upon himself to demand an apology from this lawyer. We await his response.

Sister Conny Lingus


Sent: Sept 8 ----------From: Father Ivan Oflcokitch
To: Emily's Lawyer - Franklin Okoh----------Subject: Attention: Franklin Amechi Okoh

Sir -
In the matter of Mrs. Emily Guret, it has come to my attention that you have made insulting comments regarding His Holiness Pope John Paul. We find this to be reprehensible. How dare you take the name of this serene and magnanimous holy person in vain? You should be ashamed of yourself.

We at the Christ Union Mission will no longer deal with you until we receive a written apology sent by email to my address. We are also notifying your client of our position.

Should you choose not to apologize we will take our complaint to the Law Society and have you reprimanded.

We await your reply.

Father Ivan Oflcokitch, Christ Union Mission, Fokitscold, Canada


[Yeh! - Emily is genuinely pissed off - she lashes back at Father Ivan]

Sent : September 8----------From : Franklin Okoh
To : Fathr Ivan----------Subject : Did You Say Holy?

To whom it may concern.

Your inabilty to contact me via my telephone has completely made your mail and you very stupid.

What kind of Rev. Father are you? Fraternity Father? If Pope John Paul is Holy, I do not know and my chambers cannot confirm that.

I made several attempts to reach you on your EFAX NUMBERS but all was to no avail.
What my client has, cannot be placed any condition onit.

You are free to go ahead and worship your Idol or Satan, whatever you may call it.

I am expecting you to write a comprehensive letter of appology to me by not respecting my position and my time wasted on your foolish contact.

If you are whom you say you are, send me a mail with your mission ISP and not HOTMAIL ACCOUNT.

Help yourself with the funds your commision hasapproved.
Mr Franklin A.Okoh Es

[Them's fightin' words Frank]


[Father Ivan sets out to destroy the insulting lawyer, employing an investigation and some very famous people]
[Enter Monty Python's French Knight . . . a knniggett !!!!!!]
[And yes, the taunting and insults below are very old jokes but I just LUV 'em!]

Sent: Sept 9----------From: Father Ivan
To: Lawyer Okoh ----------Subject: AHA! . . . . THE TRUTH COMES OUT

We have this morning contacted the Offices of Dxx Bxxx xxx, Boulevard du 13 Janvier in Lome, Togo (tel.221 5xxxxx).

It appears that you do NOT exist. In fact we asked that a check be made in Nigeria, Burkino Faso, Niger, Benin and Ghana. You do NOT exist anywhere. You are a myth !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In reality you are a cheat, liar, thief, criminal - a mendacious Togo pig-dog! You are definitely NOT a lawyer!

Go and boil your bottom, son of a silly person! We wave our private parts at you, you tiny-brained wiper of other people's bottoms.

How dare you try to steal from poor Mrs. Emily Guret.

God will punish you and so will we. You have the brain of a duck, you know.

Be afraid - be very afraid! You had better pray for forgiveness!

Father Ivan Oflcokitch


[Okay - at this point I realize the bait is almost over. What I want is for the mugu to read some truly insulting and viscous comments, some of which I have researched on the net (love that google)]

From: Conny----------Sent:Sept 9
To: Emily----------Subject: WARNING - MRS. GURET !!!!!

Dearest Emily -

I write today with some shocking news. As a result of an insulting letter from the supposed lawyer, we enlisted the services of a local legal consultant in Lome to investigate this person. It is clear now that he is not who he says is, but rather, an evil criminal-type person who is trying to steal from you and C.U.M. He is not a legitimate legal person. Please be very careful because he may be psychotically dangerous.

We have enlisted the help of Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the Paris Sureté, a top international investigator. Through the criminal's cell phone number the inspector learned that his real name is Ibekwe, the son of an Nigerian criminal [a real famous Nigerian criminal] who paid his mother less than 1 Naira of his conception. He is described by local police as a useless element, and a post dated idiot of 2003[real Nigerian insults]. As a child he was taunted by local children with the phrase " ya mama toto yamama toto" [your mother's pussy stinks]. He was recently arrested for his involvement in the wife-swapping in the northern Nigerian state of Kebbi which is strange considering he is married to a bush pig. Not a nice person at all!

Tomorrow we hope to hear from the Knights who say Ni! and an old friend of C.U.M., Chief Wakatunga Mukabumbo, a man with special powers with the black powder. They will help to investigate and punish this dastardly dude.

Stay safe and keep in touch until we deal with this man. Sister Conny


[Enter Inspector Closeau of the Paris Sureté and the moron John Ashcroft]

From: Sister Conny----------Sent:Sept 17
To: Emily----------Subject: Are you still alive?

Dearest Emily -

We have not heard from you in days - are you okay. We were discussing your situation this morning at our usual threesome and someone speculated that the crazy lawyer may have harmed you. Please write back as soon as you can to let us know you are okay.

There is very good news about that scum-sucker Okoh. Inspector Clouseau of the Paris Sureté has intensified his investigation. He has traced the phone number with the help of Interpol and now knows the real identity. He will send a report next week after he has notified the proper authorities. With this information (and even his picture), this slime-felching hunk of smegma is in deep trouble. Not only will his name and photo be entered in the data banks of the European police organizations but he is also now on the terrorist list in the USA. Clouseau knows John Ashcroft, the wacko who runs the Dept. of Justice there (they are bum-boy buddies) and it was easy to get him listed. Now if he travels anywhere he will be arrested. Good news huh!

And even better news is that Chief Wakatunga Mukabumbo is preparing a deadly curse to administer to this heathen excrement. The Chief by the way, was the same powerful witch doctor who cast a spell on all those Nigerians via their cell phones. He has several ways of administering the curse and once done, this guy's tiny little testicles will shrivel up.

So all and all in has been a wonderful day! Please write soon.

Sister Conny


[To further drive home the insults I decided to send more taunts from Father Ivan and the final curse from Chief Wakatunga Mukabumbo. To do this I included 2 photos sent to the lawyer as .jpg's, through unknown email accounts so he would have to open the attachments and could not avoid reading the text.]

Photo #1

[WARNING - The first picture is NOT WORK SAFE. In fact it is so gross that you should have your dog or cat leave the room. It's a picture of what some guy wore to a Halloween party - what freaks me out is that someone spent hundreds of hours conceiving and building this thing.]


[V_p_t_1 - a further taunt from Father Ivan using some classic French Knight lines.]

Photo #2

Cwm_wdc - Chief Wakatunga Mukabumbo's deadly curse - composite photo of some dude's voodoo hut and a Halloween mask.



[And now to make the insults as personal as possible]

Sept 24----------To: Emily
From: Conny----------Subject: I am assuming you are dead!

Dearest Dead Emily:

I write today knowing full well that you are dead. The question is why am I doing this? The answer is that I need to tell somebody - even an ex-parrot - a Norwegian Blue - pining for the fiords - even though it has beautiful plumage.

You see Emily, you and I have been victims of a MUGU. According to Inspector Clouseau who has just delivered his report, these are scummy, wretched people who have no life and no desire to have a real job. Not only do they steal from people, they claim to be Christian at the same time. Clouseau indicates that almost all of them are inbred, have some form of filthy sexual disease and have had sex with there own mother and children. Simply put, they are a waste of skin.

Its too bad that Okoh cannot write back. But that also is the trait of a MUGU - they are cowards above all else - too cowardly to make an honest living - and too cowardly to take care of their families.

Sister Conny

[It truly would be amazing if I ever hear back!]
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 3:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Laughing Laughing Laughing Brilliant!

I see you worked out a few frustrations there. It was interesting, albeit a bit short...that no money was WU forms to fill in...nothing Laughing

All the daft bitch was arguing about...was being unable to reach you by phone. I was hardly your fault was it Rolling Eyes

Well Done GH

Just keep me informed...then I can inform on you!

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 26, 2004 4:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

hahahah nice! i love how you get the mugu so pissed off

AKA Mugu named Tony Ovie
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 27, 2004 5:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Gold Hat - Nice bait! The use of the pictures makes it all the more better, especially when you are slapping them! Great job!

Charles Soludo (after WU trip #10): " may not understand what it is for my secretary to be going westernunion to westernunion just to present false informations to them."

Mr. Koffi after failed Airport meet - "The line and question is, why have you decided to play with me, you allowed me to waste my time, energy and money to put things(documnets) in your name , why?"

Mr. Obasanjo - "I have severally warned you to mind your language while addressing Prof. Soludo or any other person in that matter this is a serious business not some American movie Gangster. If you repeat it next time I will have your file thrown out of my office."

Jolly Roger Mortar x9
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