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 Umar meets the Lewd Bible Scholar. (I need more ideas)

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Zen Punk
Not quite a Newb

Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 54
Location: Too near the Gulf of Mexico

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2004 3:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Umar meets the Lewd Bible Scholar
The Lads first script letter was deposited by baiter jez in the SURPLUS 419 SCAM LETTERS on Sep 09, 2004 6:17 AM.

The purpose of this bait is to make quotes from the "New Extended Bible," which become increasingly ludicrous to see at what point the Lads would get wise.

A word of caution: The "Biblical quotes" that are in bold face can be seen as uplifting and factual in a fictional sort of way. However, the liberties I take with some of the passages can be ... well... wink wink, nudge nudge, you know what I mean?, a bit sacrilegious, but only if you have a dirty mind. A bit of medical terminology helps make this family oriented, but don't read this if you have a dirty mind and are easily offended. If you are a person with a mind chaste and pure, you won't understand it anyway.

Umar to SURPLUS 419 SCAM LETTERS Date: 9/13/2004 3:28:56 AM
Received: from [] by ---- Ghana, city of Accra
His letter is edited to 2% of it's original size

Dear sir,
.... My name is Idris Umar .... in Dubai, in the U.A.E ... Esophageal cancer ... few months to live... alms to charity ... eighteen million dollars ...

Scott to Umar 9/13/2004

Dear Idris Umar

... blah blah... I live and work in a monastery ... I am the librarian.

As you know, only a small part of Christian writings are actually recorded in the Bible. Some of them are lost, but my life's work is helping to compile an extended Bible which has new passages, and extensions of the current passages.

I would so much love to help you .... I just can't help quoting excerpts of new passages as we find them. There is so much more I want to tell you about our work.

Tell me what I can do to help you in carrying forth your quest for salvation and atonement.

Rectim. 13:5 Soilomon sayeth unto his gentle Genitalia: "thou must not remain fouled and I willst exult in the cleansing thereof."

Grecians 34:12 And lo, the few Fairysee dideth open up the cloaks and exhibit their flanks and loins to the masses of their enemy, and therefore were ridiculed on their small size and banished from the lands.

May God Bless You,
Brother Scott Olsen

Umar to Scott Date: 9/13/2004 3:28:56 AM
Another very wordy letter

Dear Friend Brother Scott Olsen,

... most grateful for your mail .... I am somebody with a conscience. ... seeking for your assistance ... dispatch money to charity ... my attorney is ...

Attached to this mail are my pictures.

Idris Umar.

Attached file: File: ec47[1](3)(2).zip Mama said, "Never accept a zip file from strangers"

Scott to Umar 9/14/2004

Dear Idris Umar.

.... delighted to proceed under the terms that you outlined....
....Please tell me what I should do next. This is so exciting.

Oh Idris Umar we all pray for you at the mission. We pray. We pray that you will get all the atonement that you most rightfully deserve in these dark days of your lingering life.

Consumptions 11:2 And so Anorexia refused the bread and wine of the lord and therefore, gaunt and emaciated, walked the valley of death.

Rectim. 7:14 Soilomon warned his sons thusly: Keep cleansed the Orifice of the Alimentary Canal and thou willest not suffer the stain of the Apparel.

Maximum Sanctum,
Brother Scott Olsen

Umar to Scott 9/14/2004

Dear friend Brother Scott Olsen,

... thank you again for your kind gesture .... personal information of yours...
3.Telephone/fax numbers............

Thank you and God bless. Idris Umar.

Scott to Umar 9/14/2004

Dear Brother in Need, Idris Umar;

It brings joy in my heart to hear from you. This is the information you requested.

Brother Scott Samuel Olsen

Mission of Mercy
Library of the Extended Bible
41834 Rural Route 46
Fairston, Louisiana 71446

3.Telephone/fax numbers
The library has no telephone because we have all taken a vow of silence....etc.

My New Bible passages for the day:

Grecians 21:22 Lascivious parted the waves of the sea of Labia and thereinto penetrated into the darkness of the island of Vulva and brought a new light and praising heard throughout the virgin territory.

Rectim. 13:9 Thence John in the holy rivers gaveth baptismal waters into the entrails of Soilomon and the enema with a thunderous roar covered the lands with a foul rain of 3 days and nights.

Spers. 45:18 Jacob's wife hadst a coat of many colors, and was mocked by the brothers of Brittany who beseeched her to bare the Umbilicus and show the golden ring that pierceth her therein.

We all continue our prayers for you.

Maximum Sanctum,
Brother Scott Olsen

Attorney to Scott 9/15/2004
Quite a chatty fellow
Mr Scott,

I am Dennis Jones, attorney to Mr Idris Umar.... Security Company...Netherlands. .... $18 million ... in $100 dollars bills. ...metallic trunk boxes .... power of attorney... require your physical presence here in The Netherlands

I tried calling you to inform you that i have sent you a mail. But could not get across to you...
What??? I never gave anyone my phone number, fake or otherwise.

DIRECT LINE: +44-704-0106109
FAX: +44-870-1362184
EMAIL: [email protected]

Scott to Attorney 9/15/2004

Thought I would go easy on the Attorney. Don't want to loose him.

Dear Attorney Dennis Jones:

I am overjoyed to be in a position to help ... blah blah... I have so many questions and I eagerly await your further instructions.

Palms 23:4 "Yea, though I stalk you through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art not far ahead; my rod and staff will soon comfort me, and I will see the ecstasy of the coming"

Brother Scott Olsen

Attorney Header 9/15/2004

X-Originating-Ip: Lagos Nigeria

Attorney to Scott 9/16/2004

ATTN: Scott Samuel Olsen
... require ... these personal information’s of yours ...

1. Full name
2. Address
3. Occupation
4. Personal tel/fax no .
5. A scan copy of your international passport or driver’s license.
6. Do you want to collect you fund in cash or through a telegraphic wire transfer (T/T) ?


Dennis Jones.

Scott to Attorney 9/16/2004

Subj: personal information

File: C:\USPassportScottO.jpg (26281 bytes) DL Time (32000 bps): < 1 minute

Dear Attorney Dennis Jones:

Here is the personal information that you requested.

....I give him the same stuff as to Umar...

5. Passport is attached.

6. Do you want to collect you fund in cash or through a telegraphic wire transfer (T/T) ?
I would like to see a telepathic transfer. ...blah blah

Todays quotes from the New Bible:
Vom. 1:18 With the gorge of seven times seven cubits of manna, Aesop's wife dideth eruct esophageal discharge and was banished to Bulimia anon.

Grecians 13:12 Against the wise council, Pandora didst open her box for all to see and met with great remorse in the consequences.

Atkin. 19:6 Verily, the Lard sayeth, "bestow me unto the bread, but congesteth not thy arteries and veins with a plaque that leadeth to the path of myocardial infarction."

Maximum Sanctum
Brother Scott Olsen

Scott to Umar 9/16/2004

A change of strategy. I entertain him with Newtons law, Einsteins famous equation, and an important law in the engineering of bridge and floor structures. (Actually I think I am only entertaining myself.)

Dear Brother in Need, Idris Umar;

I am writing to you to ask how is your illness. I am working with your attorney, Dennis Jones to try to release your funds. We are still praying for you at the Mission.

My newly translated Bible passages for the day:

Physics 101: The Lord Jesus sayeth unto his disciples, "Behold, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, and when thy push cometh to shove, then all manner of things will be balanced."

Physics 201: The Lord Jesus taught his disciples thusly, "Verily, the energy of all things is equal to the mass multiplied by the speed of the holy light raised to the power of two."

Eng. 101:1 Be aware, the bending of the beam is of a proportion multiplied by the thickness gloriously cubed.

Maximum Sanctimum
Brother Scott Olsen

Umar to Scott Date: 9/16/2004

He still doesn't have a clue. Darn, I am running out of ideas for good "quotes."

Dear friend Brother Scott Olsen,

Greeting to you my good friend. I am glad that you and the attorney are getting along well. I will appreciate that you follow up the instruction of the attorney. To enable him efect the release of the fund to you.

I will appreciate that as soon as the fund is in your possesion, that you make good use of it, in the works of charity and keep your percentage to yourself

Thanks and God bless.
Idris Umar.

Umar to Scott Date: 9/18/2004

Two days later

Dear Brother Scott,

Greetings to you my good friend. I got an information from my attorney, that he is sorry he could not contact you yesterday, it was due to his tight scheduel.
That he will definately reach you on Monday.

Thank you for your understanding. Thanks and God bless.
Idris Umar.

Scott to Umar 9/18/2004

I got lots of money for Umar to lust over.
More Biblical quotes from high school to grad school. It is an exercise for the reader to interpret them

Dear Idris Umar:

... blah blah... I am doing very little library work and helping with the fund raising for the [hurricane vicrims] . The person who does our financial work ... went south to help...

I am now stuck with the fund raising. .... I have to sort out all the bills and wrap them and record them, ... three large buckets of coins....

New Bible passages:

Math. 101: Pythagorus sayeth, "Be thee squared and true in your life to the twain sides, for the hypotenuse squared is the sum of twain other sides each individually squared."

Math. 201: Understand these things and ye will understand the dynamics of all moving things: The differential of a single-valued function is it's change divided by the increment of the independent variable that causeth such change. Lo, and let the independent variable approach nothing, and the differential becometh the derivative in the continuum.

Physics 401: Verily, space and time are indeed twis't and warp't by the mass within, and all things moveth along geodesics according to the nature of the warp.

... may God watch over you in what you are accomplishing in your days here on earth,

Maximum Sanctimum
Brother Scott Olsen

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Zen Punk
Not quite a Newb

Joined: 14 Jul 2004
Posts: 54
Location: Too near the Gulf of Mexico

PostPosted: Sun Sep 19, 2004 3:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

They haven't even asked me for the money yet, and I have run out of ideas. I was thinking of quotes from Brother Pipens new Nigerian Bible, but I might be going over the line from simply Juvenile, to downright Offensive. This is from Kenny's ingenious English to Nigerian translation program:

MuguSpeak 0.9.1 Beta (c) by Kenny 2004

in di beginnin god created heaven ,en earth ok., 2 en di earth wos void en empty ,en darkness wos upon di face of di deep ; en di spirit of god moved over di waters ok. 3 en god said : be light made. en light woz made. Dad 4 en god saw di light that it were good ok;

Any other ideas?

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