Bad Mother...

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Posted: Fri May 13, 2011 11:28 am

Well I already threatened him with that, Jeanette, telling him I was going back to the dating site - it spurred him on a bit, but it didn't last.

Let's see if this puts a rocket up his arse:

Quote:

Dear Mike.

I am so tired waiting for you to send the form that I could hardly eat my fish and chips this morning so I went online and transferred £5000 to The Buttercups Sanctuary for Goats near Granny's old cottage in Devon. I think Granny would be pleased. She loved all animals particularly ruminants. And I have been feeling very guilty about killing all her cats so this made me feel better. Fortunately bank transfers to charities - just like Child Trust Funds are permitted from the will, so they should have their money soon. I think they're going to name a goat for us!! Shall I ask them to call one Mike? Or do you think Susan would like a goat with her name? Anyway I'll ask them to send some pictures of Mike the Goat, or whichever for you to see.

I hope we will soon be as happy as those goats.

Love Doughnut XXXX

Posted: Fri May 13, 2011 12:13 pm

Posted: Sat May 14, 2011 1:15 pm

Thanks Sweet Poetry but even Mike's money going to the goats doesn't seem to work. I think I've been dropped!!

Well I've sent a pre-emptive strike to see if that gets a reaction:

Quote:

Sorry Mike I can't stand this anymore. I'm going to go away. I won't be speaking to you for a while. I don't want to tell you where I'm going or when I'll get back.

My love for you is still there but my belief and trust in you is battered - like most things.

Kiss Little Doughnut for me.

Your Big Doughnut X

Posted: Sun May 15, 2011 12:00 pm

Mike and Susan went into overdrive but they'll have to wait. More pain!

Quote:

Dear Sweetheart,

I miss you so much. I can't convince you how much I miss you. You know that I can't stay without your for one minute! I feel I'm going to die without you if you don't come to me one day. But I'm passing 6 days without you. God knows how I'm passing my days. Where have you been without me? Please come back to me otherwise it feels like I will die. Please, please, please come back to me, my heart, I am so alone without you. I love you so much ... I love you more and more than my life.

Quote:

Today I love you more than yesterday and less than tomorrow, as my love for you grows with every passing hour. I love you more than "Love. honey u just have to understand me am not happy here wish am there with you. baby everything will be good and Fine i will be sending u the Trust Fund By Monday Okay

Mike is hot feeling fine

Love You

Quote:

I love you with all that I am, all that I was and all that I will ever be. Please know that my love and I are inseparable and I would want it no other way and if time could express my love for you then it's forever and a day. I can't wait to be with you, see your smile, look in your eyes, feel your sweet touch, hear your perfect words and kiss your perfect lips. The way I feel about you some people call crazy, some call it insane, but I call it true love. I really love you.

always Knew this my love honey i don't have time to come online that is why Ok but i promise you on Monday i will be sending u the trust fund Okay my wife hope everything will be good???

Quote:

One week without you is like one moment without air, like one day without food and a week without water.

One week without you is like a month without sunshine or shelter.

One week without your love, and my days are empty of beauty; though I see about me everywhere others whom are called beautiful,

One week without you is like a year in a prison; though I may come and go as I please, my soul knows no freedom.

Am missed you so much

always thinking of you my love

everything will be good and fine if you have Faith in God Okay

Love You so much

Quote:

Good Morning Mum,It is not what you think, it has happened again, Dad had been in locked up and that was why he has not been able to write you You know daddy love you so much and he can't do without you always thinking of you Mum. Mum you just have to understand daddy everything is not going well am not happy always crying thinking am really Fall up mum you just have to understand him okay we love you so much

Susan Doughnut

Love Phil X

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 10:47 pm

Well, Mike filled in the form. Unfortunately he left the bit about his background and character blank - what a surprise? - but that means it will have to be done again. It does however, confirm that his daughter is probably a zombie.

Quite how he imagines being a member of the undead can be counteracted by positive thoughts and holding your breath, lord only knows but either way Doughnut is bound to have bad news.

Love Phil X

Posted: Fri May 20, 2011 11:37 pm

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Welcome back, Phil! Very Happy

Posted: Sat May 21, 2011 5:54 am

Yay - you're back! jump_4_joy

Posted: Sat May 21, 2011 11:57 am

Thank you Jeanette! Nice to be back. And look at all your little brown piggies! How did you get those? They look like a rare breed!

Posted: Sat May 21, 2011 6:07 pm

^^^ Sorry, I'll have to send you behind the log-in:
http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=202607

Posted: Tue May 24, 2011 11:58 pm

^^^ Ahh, little credit card piglets. A whole litter! Well done, Jeanette.

Mike manages to pen a few sweet notes while he's waiting for his cash:

Quote:

Hi Darling,

How was your day and I hope this message meets you well, well, I am missing you like never before and I do hope you would make the transfer tomorrow so that I will be able to meet up with completing the construction.

I will always love you like we just met, trust me, that is all I need, I love you.

Quote:

Hi,

I just feel I should keep in touch with you, I am missing you more than words could ever tell and I just wish you could understand how I feel about you.

Even his daughter gets in on the act:

Quote:

Hi Mum how u doing? have really missed you so much Mum hope all is well with you

Love You So Much Mum

Little Doughnut.

But Mike fucked up:

Quote:

Hi my Darling husband.

Mike I love you so much. I have not stopped thinking about you since the day we first met. I love Little Doughnut too. I want you to know that.

Mike I was so eager to be with you that I sent the bank the form without checking it. My darling they have sent it back saying that they cannot approve the transfer because you didn't fill it in properly. Mike you have had that form for weeks and weeks and you missed a part out! I cannot believe it! Mike what is wrong with you? You missed the parts on page 2. Your name, the date, your background and character and your signature!!

Christ Mike!! Those are the most important parts and you didn't fill them in? The bank won't release any money until they have that so you will just have to do it again.

They also wondered why the doctor's address was the same as the patient. Christ's sake Mike you had ages to do this right and you have made a mess of it. At least use different addresses. And try to be a bit more imaginative than just putting "melting brain" like I suggested. Think of other things that would make Little Doughnut sick and incapable.

Mike I love you but I'm so disappointed in you. Every time I want to send you the money so we can be together and get excited thinking about your dinkle spraying its sweet water in my daffodil you do somethiing to stop it.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Love Doughnut XXX

PS. I recently had to have one of my arms amputated due to gangarene. It took me 3 hours just to type this without any mistakes in it so I hope you appreciate what I am doing for you. When will you start doing things for me and Little Doughnut?

And his daughter needs to know that it's his fault:

Quote:

Hi my darling Little Doughnut.

Mummy has had to have an operation but nothing to worry about. I will still be able to give you a hug when I see you it will just be a bit one-sided that's all.

Unfortunately we will have to wait a bit longer before we are together as a family because your Daddy didn't do something right. He made a mistake but don't be angry with him. He is doing the best he can but I think the worry and pressure of being in and out of jail has probably made him a bit simple in the head. I hope he gets better soon so we can be together.

Your BIG MUMMY DOUGHNUT XXXX

Jeeze. I hope he gets here soon. Doughnut has already lost the feeling in one of her legs.

Love Phil X

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 6:15 am

Lurvve the slap, nice one Phil! And welcome back, the lads must be cringing in their internet cafes! (Or their jocks) Wink

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:36 am

I really love Doughnut...

ust (have a broken key on my laptop) wanted to say I am liking this story a whole lot Very Happy

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:56 am

Welcome Cosette!! Lovely to have you over here in the crazy house!

And thanks for the kind comments. What's left of Doughnut loves you too Very Happy

Glad you're enjoying the story - I have a feeling this one will be rather a long tale. Mike and Little Doughnut are just too good. I hope we grow old together!!

Love Phil X

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 11:07 am

^^^

Why thank yo for the warm welcome!

And crazy? Why you all seem perfectly sane to me...

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 12:05 pm

psssst, Cosette, Phil is a nutter!

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 12:32 pm

^^ I may be a nutter but I'm not deaf. I heard that!

Master Baiter Joined: 26 Mar 2011 Posts: 128

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:23 pm

For some reason, now I am imagining Phil as the stereotypical elderly man on his front porch, shaking his cane at the young whippersnappers. Laughing

Posted: Wed May 25, 2011 10:32 pm

ha ha ha ha ha!
Where is my whip?

Posted: Thu May 26, 2011 5:12 pm

so the saying that doughnut loves him so much that she is giving an arm and a leg for him? wow, must be love. keep up the great work! bow_down

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 4:30 am

Cosette_24601 wrote:

For some reason, now I am imagining Phil as the stereotypical elderly man on his front porch, shaking his cane at the young whippersnappers. Laughing

HEY! That's MY dotty old man character! Don't steal my Albert, Phil Wink

Posted: Sun May 29, 2011 10:35 pm

^^^ My bad.. maybe I am simply too young to tell your <strike>craziness</strike> awesomeness apart...

I shall need to work on that in the future. Very Happy

Posted: Mon May 30, 2011 7:10 am

Nah it's all good Smile

Maybe we can have an army of scatty old men pretending their interested... Oh wait! Wink

Posted: Tue May 31, 2011 11:26 pm

Thanks everyone for keeping the thread going while I've been away AGAIN!

Mike is a bit desperate. His price has come down:

Quote:

honey i dont seem to understand all of these myself i am really stressed out about this
i want you to do me a favor helping me with just £750 to pay my hotel bills for now cos i am stranded and skint and little doughnut has nothing to rely on for now and only you can help me out
i am counting on you

LOVE YOU FOREVER

Quote:

Honey why are u doing all, this too me You don't care about me anymore why this am really dying help me

Susan is very sick now

Mike

Unfortunately Doughnut's news (as predicted by Josey Wales) is rather more pressing:

Quote:

Mike. My darling wonderful man,

I'm sorry I haven't been in touch for a while but I know you will be kind and understanding. I've been in the hospital again. This time they have amputed one of my legs and half of my head. This is because they tell me I am too fat to live. Honey, I am now 58 stone. I was 63 before the operation. I have necrophilitus yerbootsius a disease which means my blood can't reach my extremities. Oh Mike I'm so afraid. I might die before I even see you. I will gladly send you the money if it means we can be together.

I can send you £1000 now straight away. I have that in cash shall I put it in an envelope and send it to the address you gave me?

Mike please get here soon. I want you to hold my disfigured body before it's too late. I'm sorry Little Doughnut is sick but I'm sure she hasn't have to endure what I have had to suffer.

Mike. There is one other thing. They had to take away my daffodil because it had gone rotten. I'm not even a woman now. I'm just a mound of decayinging flesh. Can you still love me?

I hope so.

Only your love can keep me going.

Your half a doughnut.

XXX

At this rate Doughnut will be just a round piece of flesh with a hole in it. Wink

Love Phil X

Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 12:37 am

I... have no words.

That is simply amazing. Poor Doughnut, to have such a rare and horrible disease! I hope she doesn't become some medical mystery, prone to constant testing and analysis...

I am clearly in the presence of a master. I salute you Very Happy