I just wanted an invoice...

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Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 10:35 am

Lads don't like invoices. In fact, Lads sometimes react to requests for invoices the way vampires react to garlic or crosses - and sometimes they totally strip their gears.

Hearken to the tale of a Lad lawyer I'll call Rumple Forscin, who was trying to secure a Change of Ownership for an orphan. Captain Mal wasn't playing nice and credulous, and Forscin was showing the strain. Then Mal wrote...

Quote:

Given what's happened, I expect a formal invoice for that fee.
I'll send the requested details once I have that invoice.

Forscin had had enough!

Quote:

If it is not for [orphan] and the sick mother who are putting pressure on me i don't think i would have want to continue dealing with you. I think you are insane
I told them that you are a stupid man but they will not listen, this will be my prove.
I will not contact you again because you are nothing but a foolish man.

Quote:

since you cannot send even a copy of identification i knew that you were up to thing and you are nothing but a fool.
Secondly, you could not even send your mobile number?
You kept on talking nonsense and wasting my time.
Fool fool fool

Mal replied in kind.

Quote:

That flatulent outburst only confirms that you ain't even a lawyer's butthole, Bubba-Louie. I make a reasonable request and you react like a spoiled teenager who hasn't gotten her way. You ain't worth shit.

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Well that's so fucking amazing it defies all logic. How the fuck did you become a lawyer? It has to be bribery.

Forscin's temper bubbled over into CAP LOCK:

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THAT INSULT IS FOR YOUR MOTHER
I PRAY THAT YOUR MOTHER WILL DIE OF THE SAME CANCER THAT IS TROUBLING MRS.ALBERT JOHNSON. YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO HUMANITY.
WHEN I HEARD THAT YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I KNEW YOU WERE UP TO SOMETHING. BASTARD ARE YOUR PARENTS. FOOL

Quote:

YOU GENERATION WILL DIE IN DISGRACE, IT WILL NEVER BE WELL WITH YOUR PARENTS AND YOUR FUTURE. YOU WILL DIE AS A DISGRACEFUL CHILD.
YOUR PARENTS ARE ASSHOLE

For now, let Mal's word be the last.

Quote:

Your mother was a goat and your father stank of vomit. They'd be proud of how low you've sunk.

Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2016 10:39 am

they always seem to confuse the idea of an invoice with that of a receipt

they're so quick to promise the paperwork AFTER the payment has been sent

its bad enough they're dishonest, but the lack of effort is heartbreaking

I've just managed to reset the hook in one of my lads as he went quiet when I asked for an invoice

I just sent a new reply from his original e-mail (still using my same character) and he's back on track

now if only he could explain how this westeros onion knight thing works

Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2016 1:05 pm

Things have moved on since the Lawyer melted down. The Orphan decided that another Lawyer would be a good idea.

Quote:

I have good news, Please give this mail an urgent attention.
On behalf of my sick mother and I We want to plead with you to forgive and forget whatever barrister Lycke said or did to you.
Please to err is human, please forgive him.
We received some financial assistance yesterday and so we can assist with the sum of 800usd for the documentation.
Also we discussed with barrister Lycke but he bluntly refuse to have anything to do with you anymore and so today my mother and I went to another lawyer Barrister Christopher Addio and he is ready to help us finalize this issue.
We already discussed everything with him and he has agreed to help us get the documents as soon as the funds are available. we have 800usd and we need the sum of 870usd only to pay Barrister Christopher Addio.
Sir, my mother suggested that you should allow us deal directly with the lawyer to avoid any repeated issue. The only assistance we need is the documentation and after that we will submit it to the bank. Then we will not need the service of the lawyer or barrister Lycke anymore.
Kindly send the 870usd to us and we will pay Barrister Addio Christopher and he will get the documents done and give it to us and we will send you your copy and send the bank a copy to enable them transfer the funds.
Sir, Please give my mail an urgent response.

Mal didn't take that well.

Quote:

Forgive and forget what Forscin said? No way! His reaction to a simple and reasonable request can't be handwaved the way you want it to be.
And stop talking about "the documents". I want to know what they are! Do you even know?

The Orphan gave the details:

Quote:

The required documents are the Change of Ownership document, Anti-terrorist and Anti-Money laundering documents are only going to be Validated because it expired after every two years and Certificate of Origin which we have already. so the cost fee are for the validation of the above mention documents and for the change of ownership document.
Barrister Addio Christopher will help to get it done and send it to the bank.

I decided to go all-out on that idea.

Quote:

There's a good and expressive British word that comes to mind when I read your email, and that word is "numpty".
A numpty is the kind of credulous fool cherished by con artists and bunco-steerers; the kind of person who can be convinced that money can be decreed by fiat - by government decree - to be free from terrorist taint, but that said fiat or decree has an expiry date, and that some two-bit ambulance-chasing shyster has the power to make money clean and pure by getting a new fiat or government decree issued.
Those fucking lawyers saw you coming, and they took you to the fucking cleaners, and you are so taken in that you expect me to dig you in even deeper.
Well, Mama and Papa Reynolds didn't raise nobody's fool, and I won't be drawn into a numpty's nightmare.

How was that received? Watch this space.

Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:53 pm

Quote:

Hearken to the tale of a Lad lawyer I'll call Rumple Forscin,

I'm stealing that.

Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 8:36 am

^^^^
Me too. He can be a new partner in my law firm.

Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2016 10:23 am

Rumple Forscin was a character in the (now-unavailable) Single Sentence Random Story and Guyman Hospital (https://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=259383&start=0) threads. Feel free to make whatever use of him you wish.

Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:28 am

Yastreb wrote:

Your mother was a goat and your father stank of vomit.

Does anyone else feel like the lad's been watching too much Monty Python?

Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 10:55 am

^Actually that line "Your mother was a goat and your father stank of vomit" was my line.

Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2016 2:17 pm

^My apologies

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