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 Food Poisoning

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Tuco
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Joined: 08 Aug 2007
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 2:38 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This new "woe is me" format just showed up in my RL box:


Quote:
From:
"[email protected] Isa" <[email protected]@yahoo.com.tw>
Add sender to Contacts
To:
[email protected]@yahoo.com.tw
Hello,

I am suffering for food poison causes by my step mother at of her wickedness,
do the fund that my father deposited in a security company, on my behalf ashis next-of-kin. Well my names are [email protected] Isa (female) from Cote d’ivoire and my father passedaway some years back and I did not know my mother until date.

I am seriously ill because the reaction of the poison insider my body, I am writing you fromthe hospital bed and my aim is to offer my inheritance to unknown peoples. That will help me reach to charity organization and Haiti people and I only need God fearing person that is ready to receive and work for God, throughthis means.


Waiting, God be with you.

Yours sister,
[email protected] Isa


My "I don't have time to bait you response":

Quote:
Dear [email protected]:

Actually I really do believe that you will suffer from food poisoning. Since you have lied about it in God's name, may it come upon you fully in your real life. May you die a slow death from it without remedy.

The world will be a better place with one less scammer and you will be forgotten.

Sincerely, etc.



She could use similar encouragement from others here. Very Happy

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wowwow
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
I am suffering for food poison causes by my step mother at of her wickedness,

LOL, how fucking lazy is that, they can't even come up with a decent reason why they are dying.
I've had lads tell me they have cancers of the brain, double cancers, comas and heart attacks but never
'a bit of a sore tummy'!
That's a reason for staying off work/school, not deciding to send someone your fortune.

Smile

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Last edited by wowwow on Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:16 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Roycropper
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I've felt a bit queasy all week, please send money. puke

Quote:
my aim is to offer my inheritance to unknown peoples


Like you do. Rolling Eyes

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wowwow
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 3:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

no need to quote above post - JC

my aim is to receive money from unknown peoples, what a coincidence!

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I am the person who owns the safe firm in UK but right now on sick bed for my heart surgery due to my heart failure M Efosa
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I don’t have job, I am a hacker, hacking jawing stick and Sachet water Udeh Ebuka
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bravo95
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

We all have to remember medical care is not as good in third world countries. You can die from a hangnail in some. A tummy ache could be a very serious situation I think I am going to help her find a good cause to help with her millions. Maybe a mylanta distribution network for TWC.

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Tuco
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:41 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^ I remember as a young boy being terrified of the family "enema apparatus".

I wonder if they might have its equivalent, or even something more crude, in ladland today:

Image

Edited to add: Like an elephant's bladder and urethra tube. Razz

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Last edited by Tuco on Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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bravo95
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

"Enema Operators without Borders" has a nice ring to it.

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The Cosmic Ear
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 5:59 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This plot sounds an awful lot like Snow White, or Cinderella...

You should play it that way. Drop lines like 7 dwarves, prince charming and all that rubbish. See if he/she picks up on it.

-The Ear

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Elizabeth1601
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
they can't even come up with a decent reason why they are dying.

ROTFLMAO !
This thread is hilarious !

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Corona
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 2:35 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Yes, lad needs an enema.

clapping clapping clapping

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:39 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I rather hope this is one of the cases of a lad not reading the baiter's first reply, and carrying on with the scam.

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 7:59 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Tuco's Lad wrote:
I am suffering for food poison causes by my step mother at of her wickedness.



You're being scammed by Cinderella.

Time you turned yorself into a fairy godmother. And Cinders into a pumpkin. Wink

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Tuco
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 2:51 am Reply with quoteBack to top

After a simple response, I got this typical reply script:

Quote:
Good day dear Seymour.

Thanks for your mail and understanding. As I said before that my evil step mother
poisoned my food because of this money (£5.075m). It was the reason I decided instead of this evil step mother to benefit from that fund, let unknown person inherit that fund on my behalf. Please beloved, let me make it very clear to you that I am not the one writing because I can not get up from the hospital bed. I only detect and the doctor in charge my health assist me sometimes to do the writing, well I was a law student year three before that evil step mother succeed with her poison.

I am contacting you now with all my good heart to offer my inheritance into your hand. So that you will help me assist the needy people as I said before, like motherless, homeless and Haiti people. I hope you will not get evil mind, if you receive the money and if you do, the fight shall be between you and God. Remember that I told you what the doctor said that I just have some months to stay alive and none know the day, do not delay because death can come anytime from now. reply this mail with your full details like; full address, names, direct phone number, nationality and scan copy of your identity card, so that I will submit your contacts to the bank as the new beneficiary of my inheritance.

And after that, all the full details concerning my inheritance shall be forwarding to you and the bank contacts so that you will contact the bank for the transaction.

Find attach photo of my on hospital bed with others sick people.

Waiting and God bless you.

Yours sick sister,
[email protected] Isa.


Just to let her know how much I care:

Quote:
Dear [email protected]:

Your suffering touches my heart since I once too had food poisoning. The most important matter at the moment is to ensure your recovery so that you can proceed with your career and be a blessing to others.

It appears from the picture you sent and from your description of the situation that your most urgent need is for a coffee enema. I assume that your doctor will be reading your emails so I am enclosing the following detailed instructions for his assistance:

"Basic Coffee Enema Procedure and Recipe

The very last part of the colon, before reaching the rectum, is in an ”S” shape and called the sigmoid colon. By the time stool gets to this part of the colon, most nutrients have been absorbed back into the bloodstream. Because the stool contains products of putrefaction at this point, there exists a special circulatory system between the sigmoid colon and the liver. There is a direct communication of veins called the enterohepatic circulation. Have you ever felt sick just before having a bowel movement, when stool material has just moved into the rectum for elimination? As soon as the material is evacuated, you no longer feel sick. This is due of the toxic quality of the material and the enterohepatic circulation coming into play. Because of this, it is important to evacuate when you have the urge. The rectum should usually be empty.

This circulatory system enables toxin to be sent directly to the liver for detoxification, rather than circulating them through the rest of the body and all of its vital organs including the brain. This system of veins carries rectal / sigmoid toxins directly to the liver for detoxification.

When a coffee enema is used, the caffeine from the coffee is preferentially absorbed into this system and goes directly to the liver where it becomes a very strong detoxicant. It causes the liver to produce more bile (which contains processed toxins) and moves bile out toward the small intestine for elimination. This seems to free up the liver to process more incoming toxic materials that have accumulated in the organs, tissues and bloodstream. The coffee does not go into the systemic circulation, unless the enema procedure is done improperly.

The coffee contains some alkaloids that also stimulate the production of glutathione-S-transferase, an enzyme used by the liver to make the detox pathways run. It is pivotal in the formation of more glutathione, one of the main conjugation chemicals, enabling toxins to be eliminated via bile into the small intestine. So in other words, a coffee enema speeds up thedetoxification process and minimizes the backlog of yet to be detoxified substances. You will need the following materials:

An enema bag or bucket, preferably one of clear plastic that you can see through

A large stainless steel cooking pot

Organic coffee fully caffeinated, drip grind coffee

A source of uncontaminated water. Chlorinated water should be boiled for 10 minutes

The see through enema bag/ bucket is preferable, but an old fashioned type that doubles as a hot water bottle can be used although it is hard to tell how much is used at each pass. Do not use any bag with a strong odor.

Procedure

Put a little over 1 quart of clean water in a pan and bring it to a boil. Add 2 flat tablespoons of coffee (or the coffee amount that has been prescribed for you). Let it continue to boil for five minutes, then turn the stove off, leaving the pan on the hot burner.

Allow it to cool down to a very comfortable, tepid temperature. Test with your finger. It should be the same temperature as a baby´s bottle. It´s safer to have it too cold than too warm; never use it hot or steaming; body temperature is good.

Next, carry your pan or pot and lay an old towel on the floor (or your bed if you are careful and know you won´t spill - for safety, a piece of plastic can be placed under the towel). If you don´t use an old towel, you will soon have many old towels since coffee stains permanently. Use another bunch of towels, if you want, as a pillow and bring along some appropriately relaxing literature. Pour the coffee from the pan into the enema bucket without getting the coffee grounds in the cup. You may prefer to use an intermediate container with a pour spout when going from the pan to the enema bucket. Do not use a paper filter to strain the grounds. Put your enema bag in the sink with the catheter clamped closed.

Pour the coffee into the enema bag. Loosen the clamp to allow the coffee to run out to the end of the catheter tip and reclamp the bag when all the air has been removed from the enema tubing.

Use a coat hanger to hang the enema bag at least two feet above the floor; on a door knob or towel rack. The bucket can rest on a chair, shelf or be held. Do not hang it high, as on a shower head, because it will be too forceful and the hose won´t reach. It should flow very gently into the rectum and distal sigmoid colon only. It is not a high enema or colonic. Allowing it to go well up into the colon may introduce caffeine into the general circulation as though you had taken it by mouth.

Lie down on the floor on your back or right side and gently insert the catheter. If you need lubrication, food grade vegetable oil such as olive oil, a vitamin E capsule, or KY jelly should be fine, unless you are chemically sensitive. It is generally a good idea to avoid petroleum products.

Gently insert the tube into the rectum a few inches and then release the clamp and let the first 1/2 of the quart (2 cups maximum) of coffee flow in. Clamp the tubing off as soon as there is the slightest amount of discomfort or fullness. Do not change positions or use an incline board to cause the enema to enter further into the colon; this defeats the purpose of this type of enema.

Try to retain the enema for a minimum of 12 or more minutes. Sometimes there will be an immediate urgency to get rid of it and that is fine. It helps to clean the stool out of the colon so that next time around you can hold more of the enema longer. Never force yourself to retain it if you feel that you can´t. When you have clamped the tubing, remove the catheter tip and void when you have to. It is best to hold it for at least 12 minutes each time. After you have emptied the bowel, proceed with the remaining 1/2 quart and likewise hold that for at least 12 minutes, if able, then void.

The goal is to have two enemas, not exceeding 1/2 a quart (2 cups) each, that you are able to hold for 12 to 15 minutes each. Usually 2 or 3 times will use up all of the enema, but that is not your goal. Being able to hold it for 12 to 15 minutes is. When you have finished your session, rinse out the bag and hang it up to dry. Periodically run boiling water, peroxide, or other comparable antimicrobial agent through the empty bag to discourage mold growth when not in use.

If you feel wired or hyper, or have palpitations or irregular heartbeats after a coffee enema, you should reduce the amount of coffee, usually by half for a few days or weeks. Or consider that you really need organic coffee. Be sure the source of your water is good clean chemical-free spring, well, or filtered water.

Sometimes you will hear or feel a squirting out and emptying of the gallbladder. This occurs under the right rib cage, or sometimes more closely to the mid line. If after a week of daily enemas you have never felt or heard the gall bladder release, You should consider making the coffee stronger, going up in 1/2 Tablespoon increments per quart, not exceeding 2 Tablespoon per cup. Alternately, you may need a slightly larger volume, such as 3 cups at a time. Sometimes, 3 enemas (2 cups or less each) rather than two at a session are more beneficial for some.

Always discontinue the enemas if there is any adverse reaction whatsoever, and discuss it with the doctor at your next appointment. If you find the enema helpful, do not use it more than once per day for any extended period without medical supervision. Use it as necessary, perhaps several days in a row, but more commonly a few times a week."


I have attached a photo of a simple version of the enema apparatus. If this equipment is not readily available, an elephant bladder with attached urethra tube will do in a "pinch". Just be sure to blend the coffee as strongly as prescribed. If the doctor will administer this procedure immediately, you should feel better by Monday and be back on your feet by Wednesday.

Dearest [email protected], this is a life or death matter and is very serious. My heart is with you. Please arrange to have a photo made during the procedure so that I can observe and render any assistance that the doctor may need. I will be near my computer all weekend.

Your dear friend,

$eymour Cheeks


The bone of contention is going to be the photographic evidence of the necessary enema procedure. Razz

_________________
"My broda. i like ur guts it shows u are a full guy." - Williams H0lm
"you should understand my brain problem." - R0se Br0wn
"you are a very ungreatful and wicked person." - Veronica K0ffi
"Thanks for giving me a nauthy number that preys unit like a hungry lion." - Alise Kar1m
"I have called you more than 20 times but non of the calls went through." - Williams C0ker
"I've said in my previous mail that I do not understand English." - Cabinet Bad0u
"PLEASE MY CHAIRMAN, I AM NOT GREEDY, I LIKE TO WORK WITH YOU, I HAVE LOST MANY OF MY JOBS , PLS PLS PLS, I WILL WORK HARD WITH U." - Dr. Lui$ James
"There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend."
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Corona
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:33 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:44 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
bring along some appropriately relaxing literature
This is my favorite part of the procedure. Be sure to ask her what she read. I'm curious. Laughing

edit: Here is my suggestion for literature.
http://www.amazon.com/Coffee-Table-Books-of-Flowers/lm/1WR8LP0MSCRZN

^^That one is for you, Corona. Laughing Laughing

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Tuco
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:44 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
God day sir,

I thank you very much for the help concerning my health and this is to show that you want me to be alive and I shall late the doctor see this mail. Are you a doctor? Sir, if you are interested of receiving the fund, please kindly send to me the details that I requested from you for the fund.

Waiting,God be with you.

[email protected]


Quote:
Dear [email protected]:

I am delighted that you are feeling well enough to write your own letter although I am disappointed that you had not yet undergone the enema procedure at the time of your writing. Dearest [email protected], it is most urgent that you undergo the procedure immediately!! The most important matter between us at the moment is to preserve your life!

No, I myself am not a doctor, however my wife is a nurse and how I wish she was there with you to give you the enema. She has a very gentle and compassionate bedside manner.

Let me know if the doctor has any questions about the enema procedure, a qualified nurse under his direction should also be able to administer it to you. Please do respond today, with the picture I requested as well. I look forward to hearing soon of your rapid recovery.


Your dear friend,

$eymour Cheeks

Image


If she still responds, she's a keeper.

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"My broda. i like ur guts it shows u are a full guy." - Williams H0lm
"you should understand my brain problem." - R0se Br0wn
"you are a very ungreatful and wicked person." - Veronica K0ffi
"Thanks for giving me a nauthy number that preys unit like a hungry lion." - Alise Kar1m
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"I've said in my previous mail that I do not understand English." - Cabinet Bad0u
"PLEASE MY CHAIRMAN, I AM NOT GREEDY, I LIKE TO WORK WITH YOU, I HAVE LOST MANY OF MY JOBS , PLS PLS PLS, I WILL WORK HARD WITH U." - Dr. Lui$ James
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 11:57 am Reply with quoteBack to top

You guys... your jokes just bowel me over.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Shocked Shocked

Noooo!!! Coffee is for DRINKING!

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I HAVE TRIED TO GO THROUGH THIS PROCESS TWICE AND HAVE SPENT A TOTAL OF 10 HOURS THE FIRST TIME AND 6 HOURS THE 2ND TIME AND STILL HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO FINISH THE PROCESS YET. I CANNOT BE DOING ANYTHING WRONG - Sheik Mohameed Salam, satisfied SS customer

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send me the MTCN number, the name and address of sender. If you cannot do that like you Americans say get fucky out here now.

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PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^ I've been wondering what NN has been getting up to. Laughing

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Yastreb
Demented Opportunist


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 15023
Location: Leading my wolf pack


PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 8:59 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

thrylos7 wrote:
Shocked Shocked

Noooo!!! Coffee is for DRINKING!


What are the grounds for that statement?

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mr.scissorkick
t3h pwn3d


Joined: 03 Feb 2009
Posts: 1973
Location: 50.299209,-3.650293


PostPosted: Mon Oct 18, 2010 10:35 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Wow, Yastreb, how long has that pun been brewing?

Looks like you've got a winner here, Tuco. Maybe you could offer to dissect a stool sample? I can't imagine squatting over a manila envelope would be comfortable or convenient.
Oh, and you could have them send it to your scientific <strike>lad</strike> (oops, I meant lab). You can find stool specialty <strike>lads</strike> labs here.

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windypops
Baiting Guru


Joined: 25 Jan 2005
Posts: 5884
Location: Planet X


PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:03 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^ That happens when you've bean here a while. No need to get bitter. Wink

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Mortar x22 Inventor Easter Egg 2011

"No amount of semen donation will save this situation" Sanny Sanny
"We must disagree to agree" Raji Musa

If it's LADS you want. GoTo: http://www.yopmail.com/
and sign in with either ladmail or kentbrockman
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mr.scissorkick
t3h pwn3d


Joined: 03 Feb 2009
Posts: 1973
Location: 50.299209,-3.650293


PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Sorry, Windy, I think part of your post was filtered. Maybe I need a java update.

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-MY DEAR SIR STOP THIS BULL SHIRT WHO IS MR.GOMER? ~Pual Williams
-This is why your wife divorced you! ~Melveille Turner (Hawaiian Punch)
Goat Goat
United Kingdom Thailand Malaysia
Closed lad accounts x 67
Mortar x 34 (Hi, kids!) Easter Egg 2012
Pith Helmet Accra-Lagos = "you made me and my people to wiat at the air port for nothing sake.and pay for hotel resavetion its not sound." -John Asamoha
Hon. Martins Sand Timer 16 Jan 2009 - 7 May 2011

Reap / Sow
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windypops
Baiting Guru


Joined: 25 Jan 2005
Posts: 5884
Location: Planet X


PostPosted: Tue Oct 19, 2010 7:25 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I'll be back latte, you're in for a roasting.

_________________
Mortar x22 Inventor Easter Egg 2011

"No amount of semen donation will save this situation" Sanny Sanny
"We must disagree to agree" Raji Musa

If it's LADS you want. GoTo: http://www.yopmail.com/
and sign in with either ladmail or kentbrockman
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SlapHappy
Baiting Guru


Joined: 15 May 2006
Posts: 9612
Location: Floating up and down with happiness.


PostPosted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Coff coff...

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