I can't do anything right...

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Posted: Thu Aug 19, 2010 11:15 pm

I got a variant of the "people claming that you are dead" script just inder a month ago and it's mutated since into a diplomatic delivery scam. The Delivery firm (which has those godawful delivery van and jumbo jet gifs on their letterhead) offered a list of places for Mal to go to in order to receive his money:

Quote:

HENCE YOU CAN NOT GET THE CERTIFICATE YOU ARE ADVICE TO CHOOSE ANY OF THE BELLOW LISTED COUNTRIES WHERE YOU WILL MAKE YOUR URGENT TRIP FOR THE CLERANCE OF YOUR DIPLOMATIC CONSIGMENT.
1. LONDON
2. MADRID SPAIN
3. BELGIUM
4. MALAYSIA
5. DUBIA UAE
6,CAMBODIA

Just to be different, I chose Cambodia:

Quote:

Please send me details of your contacts and address in Cambodia. I have applied for a visa so please be thorough.

But they took in in their stride:

Quote:

YOU ARE TO RECONFIRM TO US THE BELLOW NEEDED INFORMATION’S AS URGENT AS POSSIBLE TODAY TO ENABLE OUR DIPLOMATIC OFFICIAL LIFT YOUR CONSIGNMENT DOWN TO CAMBODIA IN YOUR NAME AND AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVED CAMBODIA WITH YOUR DIPLOMATIC CONSIGNMENT THEY WILL GIVE YOU A CALL FROM CAMBODIA AND DIRECT YOU ON HOW YOU WILL LOCATE THEM AS SOON AS YOU ARRIVE CAMBODIA.
1. YOUR FULL NAME/ ADDRESS……………………..?
2. YOUR DIRECT CELL PHONE NUMBER …………………..?
3. SCAN FRONT PAGE OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ANY OF YOUR IDENTITY AND SEND TO YOU THROUGH EMAIL ATTACH TO AVOID RELEASING TO WRONG BENEFICIARY.
AS SOON AS WE RECEIVED THIS ABOVE LISTED INFORMATION’S THE DIPLOMAT IN CHARGE OF YOUR DELIVERING WILL LIFT YOUR CONSIGNMENT DOWN TO CAMBODIA IN YOUR NAME.

Well, I can't let that go:

Quote:

Hold everything - the vaccinations required for Cambodia may be an issue. Please wait for updates.

Meanwhile, the guy at CBN was getting pushy:

Quote:

The delivering company in London told me that they needed your full contact details to enable them deliver your consignment to Cambodia urgent.
You are to send them your details urgent and try to be in Cambodia urgent as soon as they arrive Cambodia with your consignment.

I pushed back:

Quote:

I told them to gorram well hold on as Cambodia may not be viable.

But (emphasis added)...

Quote:

THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE RECEIVED AN INSTRUCTION FROM THE DEPOSITOR OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT TO CONVEY YOUR DIPLOMATIC METAL SEAL CONSIGNMENT DOWN TO CAMBODIA IN YOUR NAME.
YOUR CONSIGNMENT LEFT HEATHROW AIRPORT HERE IN LONDON YESTERDAY NIGHT.
THE DIPLOMAT IN CHARGE OF YOUR DELIVERING IS DIPLOMAT: MALIK.
YOU ARE ADVICE TO COME DOWN TO CAMBODIA TO AVOID THE DIPLOMAT NOT TO BE STRANDED IN CAMBODIA WITH YOUR CONSIGNMENT.
RECONFIRM YOUR BELLOW LISTED INFORMATION’S VERY FAST TO ENABLE US FORWARD IT TO DIPLOMAT: MALIK HE WILL CONTACT YOU A S SOON A S YOU RECONFIRM YOUR DETAILS TO US BECAUSE YOUR CONSIGNMENT WILL REACH CAMBODIA IN 3 OR 4 HOURS TIME FROM THIS MOMENT.
YOUR FULL NAME/ADDRESS…………………….?
PERSONAL CELL PHONE NUMBER…………………….?
SAN FRONT PAGE OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ID AND SEND TO US THROUGH EMAIL ATTACHMENT.
WE NEED THE INFORMATIONS YOUR URGENT ARRIVAL NEEDED.

And from the CBN:

Quote:

I want to inform you that federal government wants to retune your consignment back to Nigeria yesterday due to your delay as government are spending $85 per day in safe guiding your consignment.
But thank God that I use my influence to instruct our affiliated diplomatic delivering company in London to lift your consignment to Cambodia the same yesterday otherwise they would have retune it back yesterday so in less than 2 hours from now your consignment will arrive Cambodia.
I am doing this just to proof to you that I am not the past corrupt governor of central bank of Nigeria PROF CHARLES C. SOLUDO and I know that you will not forget my effort as soon as you receive your consignment.
I will advice you to apply any possible means to see that you obtain your visa urgent and make your urgent trip to Cambodia for the clearance before the end of the week becaue Cambodia is very okay for you to receive your consignment.
Note that I will release your consignment key code number to you as soon as you arrive Cambodia for security reasons.
Again I need your direct mobile phone number so that I can reach you or you call me for more information now.

Mal wasn't happy:

Quote:

I told you not to go ahead! For the love of Pete - why did you send the consignment against my orders? This is not good.

And to CBN guy:

Quote:

You may not be corrupt but it's not your honesty that's the issue - it's your IQ! I told you and Mrs Godf3ry both that Cambodia wasn't viable. Holy shit on a shingle - what does it take to make you listen?

CBN guy was not contrite (emphasis added):

Quote:

I did it like that to avoid sending back your consignment and to avoid cancellation.
All you need to do is to apply everything humanly possible to see that you obtain the Visa urgent.
you can go to the health center in your place there and get the vaccination peppers.
Let me have you mobile phone number ……………….?

Mal wasn't impressed:

Quote:

What the Sam Frick is this boondoggle about cancellation? You'd have no gorram right to do that! Your methods astonish me.
FYI vaccination doesn't take effect at once, and getting a visa isn't like a drivethrough at KFC. Honestly, you and that Godf3ry bimbo have set up a real Charlier Foxtrot with this.

For some reason the delivery firm is holding firm:

Quote:

WHY WE SEND IT IS BECAUSE WE RECEIVED ORDER FROM THE DEPOSITOR OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT AND NOW YOUR CONSIGNMENT IS NOW IN CAMBODIA .
WE ADVICE YOU TO BE IN CAMBODIA BEFORE FRIDAY THIS WEEK.
LET US HAVE THIS INFORMATION'S URGENT.
YOUR FULL NAME/ADDRESS…………………….?
PERSONAL CELL PHONE NUMBER…………………….?
SAN FRONT PAGE OF YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR ID AND SEND TO US THROUGH EMAIL ATTACHMENT.
WE NEED THE INFORMATION'S YOUR URGENT ARRIVAL NEEDED.

Mal can be stubborn too:

Quote:

I will not be coming to Cambodia as the visa will take too long to arrange. Return the money to London and await my instructions. That's a clear directive, I might add, so do it, and do not take any orders from L4mido S4nusi.

Ah, here it is!

Quote:

YOU ARE TO PAY FOR THE RETURNING OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT FEES OF 8,999 POUND TO LONDON URGENT OTHERWISE YOU MAKE YOUR URGENT TRIP TO CAMBODIA.
I WILL FORWARD YOU ACCOUNT TO DEPOSIT THE FEES AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU.

Standing my ground:

Quote:

I told you not to go to Cambodia but you ignored my instructions and instead took your orders from L4mido S4nusi. Send the bill to him.

"She" stood hers:

Quote:

YOU THE BENEFICIARY ARE TO PAY THE FEES BECAUSE YOU CHOSE CAMBODIA AT THE FIRST TIME.
LAMIDO SANSUI IS THE DEPOSITOR AND WE CAN NOT DO WITHOUT HIS INSTRUCTION.
YOU ARE TO SEND THE FEE S TO US RIGHT AWAY BEFORE NIGERIA GOVERNMENT WILL CALL IT BACK TO NIGERIA .

A gratuitous insult to Nigeria wouldn't go amiss:

Quote:

You will recall that I told you not to go there but you went ahead without my permission. And why the Sam Frick you'd send the money to Nigeria - the last place on Earth I want to go to - is beyond me.

Enjoy the howlers:

Quote:

ARE YOU SENDING THE FEES NOW OR SHOULD I CONTACT NIGERIA GOVERNMENT TO CALL YOUR CONSIGNMENT BACK TO NIGERIA.
WE TOLD YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME TO PROVIDE YOUR CONSIGNMENT EXPRESS DELIVERING CERTIFICATE SO THAT WE CAN DELIVER TO YOU DOORSTEP YOU DID NOT AND YOU CAN TRAVEL URGENT?
LISTING I HAVE BEEN IN THIS JOB FOR PAST YEARS NOW YOU CAN NOT TEACH US OUR JOB.
IS EITHER YOU SEND THE FEES OR YOU MAKE YOU’RE IMMEDIATE TRIP TO CAMBODIA FOR THE CLEARANCE OF YOUR CONSIGNMENT THAT IS ALL.
WHY ARE YOU HIDDEN YOUR PERSONAL CONTACT DETAILS?
YOU HAVE TO BE FUNDAMENTAL IN YOUR MASSAGES.
I CAN NOT KEEP ON REPEATING WORLDS.

This won't help things:

Quote:

I cannot travel to Cambodia immediately as the visa hasn't been issued. That's it. And since you went against my express orders, I'm not liable for those fees. Send the account to Lamida Sanusi and have the consignment returned to London - I'll pick it up there when you're ready.