Testing the limits of outrageous

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Posted: Sun Jul 04, 2010 11:41 pm

OK, I was bored and wondering just how outrageous can you be right off the bat and still get a reply. So here goes. The pitch - family in the UK needs a housekeeper, will pay transportation, blah blah.

My Dear,

My name is Kevin X and I am Fourth years old, I work in an Oil and
Gas company (DORK OILS)here in London United Kingdom.

My wife is a busy person and working with hsbc bank.
I am looking for an au pair to be a big sister to my children and to
become another member of my family.

I have decided to find an au pair because I need someone who
will look after my child with some light housework.

I have two lovely kids a boy and a girl, I do not have any pet and I do
not smoke. I have a fun lovely young child looking for a kind heated fun
au pair to mix in with.
If you are interested and would consider being our au pair please contact me.

Yours sincerely
Kevin X

How hard can it be to fool a fourth year old? OK, so I send old Kevin (note the reference to the movie "Airplane"),

Hello, Kevin. My name is Norman Bates. Yes, I would be very interesting in being your au pare. I am an expert in housework and automatic rifles. How old are your children? Is the girl pretty? I can assure you that I'm lots of fun. Do you like movies with gladiators? I'll be looking foreward to hearing from you.

Your pal.

Norman

OK, now I don't know about you, but if I got a reply like that, I'd be contacting the cops. But no, the next day I get:

My Dear,

Thanks for your kind response to my email. My wife is a very busy person,as we are working class and rich.
We need security to my entire house hold most important my daughter,we need someone who can secure and take care of every person in the house so I decided that a private security would help us to give our child security which she deserve as well my house.

We are American fun loving family living at xxx, United Kingdom. and we will enjoy it if you are a person who enjoys doing lots of stuff with the kids.
Our prime objective is to make sure our child is well secured both in and out side the my living premises , This would also naturally mean that sometimes you would have to help secured her to school,church and all other place she desires to go .

I would say that 85% of the time will be spent on the child, 15% on household safety . We are Christians, and it is very important for us to have some one who loves God serves God too.
Brenda is a Four years old baby and she is a friendly little girl, who loves to play with her friends, but can also play alone. She is a bit shy and checks things out before she participates. Very caring and easy to get along with. She loves singing and dancing and is more artistic . She enjoys being read to and relationship oriented
Note that you are not going to partake on house hold cores or laundry as we have an aupair that takes care of that and child neatness.

We would go into contract with you as our new private security , for 24 months We are willing to incur the expenses of your flight, entrance/work permit paper and deduct 0.5% of it every month from your salary, but the mutual agreement remains that you must contact the UK HOME OFFICE for important instruction in regards to the procurement of your travel document and requirements to present before embarking your journey to United Kingdom, as this is reference to our bad experience in inviting a private security , after we secured he"s entrance to UK he arrived and was repatriated due to lack complete requirements which brought to the loss of expenses which was incurred by us .
(blah blah, excess nonsense snipped, cute family photo snipped)
Best Regards.

Um, OK. It's a two-part script. So I write back:

Thank you for your reply, Kevin. Your whole family looks very nice. Your little girl looks very cute. I really like little girls. Maybe she can sing for me. Do not worry about your security. I am an expert in pistols, rifles and hand grenades. I am also very good at removing all sorts of stains from articles of clothing. I will bring my personal Uzi with me as well as a very long very sharp knife. It was given to me by my mother. You will be very safe. I have much experience with housekeeping as my last position was as manager of a small motel. I also like the fact that your job is outside the US. I am looking to spend some extended time away right now. Let me know when you'd like me to start.

Norman Bates
I guess that did it. No reply. Maybe it was the stain removal part that went too far? So what do we learn? Either this lad is too lazy to read the first reply he gets, he's completely illiterate, he just doesn't give a hoot, or some combination of the above. Whatever, Norman now has a new lonely lady in his sights. heh heh (cue Psycho music)

Posted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 1:35 pm

lol I love stupid stuff like that...jsut come out with all kinds of outrageous crap and see what they do...unfortunately its usually stop talking to you Laughing

Maybe I will try a paedo bait soon Cool

I wonder if the authorities would come knocking??? Confused

Posted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 6:39 pm

Yes, it does seem odd, doesn't it? Anyway, apparently I spoke too soon. Turns out Norman Bates got the job after all! Check this out:

After discussing about your application with my Wife and our family lawyer, we have decided to hire you as my Daughter's/House Hold Private Security.

We have attached all the terms and condition that governs my family which you have to follow with due

Process/Respect, this will enable you stay and live with us happily here in UK while taking care of our Daughter and the safety of the entire house.
(excess garbage omitted, including a form from the "UK Boarder Home Office").

Now I have a few questions. First, there's a live.com email included that I'm supposed to send for my "visa". Any point in posting that here? Also Kevin's home phone number.

Second question - there's a doc file attached to his email. Is there any danger to me in opening attachments from lads sent via gmail?

Anyway, time for round 3:

Dear Kevin,

Wow! Thank you so much. I accept your offer. I can't believe I got the job. I promise you won't be sorry. I am especially looking forward to spending some time with your little girl.

Just a couple of things. Since I am a US citizen, I do not need a visa to go to the UK - I can just show up.

Second, you said you were sending more pictures, but there were none attached. Can you please send them again?

Also, you said you were sending a PDF file but that wasn't there either. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I accept all of your terms and conditions.

When would you like me to start so I can make my plane reservation?

Sincerely,

Norman Bates

Posted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:05 pm

If you have Google, it'll open in Docs.

Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:37 am

And just as an aside I've always loved young Norman & his shenanigans. I'll read this one with interest. Loved the Airplane references (though here in Oz, it was released as "Flying high").

And btw one of my fave bands was also a fan of young Norman, they put out a single about him. So, just for your amusement, here's UK outfit Landscape (from 1981) singing "Norman Bates":

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pLvnYwvJMKE

The bass player went on to write the theme to "The Bill"...

Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:08 pm

I was just scanning over this semi-absentmindedly, then this pops out at me:

Quote:

I will bring my personal Uzi with me as well as a very long very sharp knife.

Also, I think you forgot something. Very Happy

Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:15 pm

I'm convinced that many scammers don't even read the text of our emails. Here's one of my "love" baits that I just started saying crazy stuff to and the obvious scripted emails just kept coming

Quote:

Hello my darling Timothy !!!!

My love i am so happy that i recieved your letter and i am again writing you back. And i am so happy that you open me your heart and say me about your trully feelings to me. You make me the happiest woman in the world, because i know that you have the same feelings to me. I am not more lonely. I have you in my life and it is so beautiful!!! And my heart is yours forever. blah blah blah

My reply

Quote:

Dear Elena,

Yes my love... I so want to meet you. I will feast on your liver and bathe in your blood. Do you want me to fly there to eat you?

Does she reply? Oh yeah

Quote:

My darling, i am so glad that you want meet me too. Now i feel that i am not so single. I know that you love me, think about me, miss me. And this thoughts make me the happiest woman in the world. You are now the most important person in my life. I have here in Russia my parents, my friends, my work.... But it is not important for me now. I am ready to leave all of it and come to your arms my love. I am sure in my decision. I am adult woman and can make my own decisions...blah blah

I reply

Quote:

My most beloved Elena,

You make me so happy!!! I can't believe you are thinking of coming to the US. I have a fantastic torture chamber set up for your amusement. The pleasure and pain you will experience before your bloody demise... it's going to be written about for years. I love you.

and she just never stops emailing. In fact, she took nearly a month and 25 emails to finally getting around to hinting at wanting to come to the US. Weird

Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:14 pm

"Also, I think you forgot something."

Dag nab it! I really hate it when I'm out at the bank or at Walmart or something and I suddenly realize I left my flamethrower home. Evil or Very Mad

"I'm convinced that many scammers don't even read the text of our emails."

I'm now wondering if it's a case of being that lazy or if maybe their command of English is so poor that they're kind of operating on autopilot, sort of like:

"Step 1: send script, step 2, if reply, send script 2, continue until valid WU receipt shows up, else move on to next victim"

In my admittedly limited experience so far I've found that most lads seem reluctant to stray very far off script. They're no fun at all. Sad

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