How to get lads to milk bulls ... (NSFW)

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Posted: Fri Mar 19, 2010 7:52 am

I've been playing around with Jose Cuervo's bull DNA ASEM for a little while and have a few likely lads in play. (with permission of course)

See:

It is an evolving bait ... fingers crossed

My character is a doddery vet in OZ called Smelly Hunt.

Smelly to Apprentice wrote:

Hello Koffi <- lad changes name to Fred without noticing - seems like a good reason not to pay later on??? Very Happy

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I had business to attend.

You told me that you can get bull DNA for me from Ghana? That will be brilliant. Where are you now?

I have a few things to organise regarding setting up the payment system but I promise to get back to you ASAP.

Do you still have a copy of the DNA collection procedures? I can re-send them to you if you lost everything.

And if you would not mind, please call me "Smelly". It's what all of my friends call me.

Cheers mate.

Smelly

Smelly wrote:

Hi Apprentice

I've been looking for the collection procedures and think I might know where one is located. Will take a little while longer though. Just be patient. In the meantime I have attached the seminal Seidel paper which is the final word on the subject. You probably should print it out for reference. (3.8 meg PDF - graphic collection process)

As I recall it was fairly simple enough and is common practice in animal husbandry.

Collect any medium sized jam bottles that have screw top lids - sufficient to hold approximately 200 mls. Sterilize them by boiling in water (completely covered at all times) for approximately 15 minutes or bath the bottles and lids in a chlorine solution (household bleach - one cup per bucket) for approximately 12 hours.

DNA collection by Operator (person collecting the DNA sample)

* Make certain the entire collection process is photographed / documented or payment may be withheld. (video is best and generally results in prompt payment)
* Operator MUST wear: white coat, rubber shoes, NO gloves (latex kills bull sperm in semen), radio suppression hat (radio waves kill sperm - a simple tin foil hat is fine in the field)
* Before collection process begins:
o start video / photo - show operator with the bull. Operator MUST hold sign with details showing clearly:
+ Project Name: SNIFME
+ Project Leader:My name - Smelly HUNT
+ Operators Full name - your name
+ Date / time / bull breed / method of DNA collection: eg: 10/10/2010 12:45:34 hrs - Bull Breed (see below) - Manual Sperm Collection
+ Examples of bull breeds - zebu Azawak, zebu Maure, zebu Touareg etc. Send me a photo and I will tell you the breed.
* Label the jar with:
o Operator's Name / operator ID / date / time of collection / certified by (person who witnessed) / bull's breed / location the sample was collected / Project Coordinator ID (me) / description of sample
o see below for describing sample
* Secure the bull.
* Thoroughly wash bull's penis with warm soapy water and remove all potential contaminants like dirt, dung and so on.
* Never open the pre-sterilized bottle until immediately before bull DNA sample is about to be collected.
* The operator must stand to the left side of the bull (important) and stroke the bull's penis in an upward rapid motion (curling fingers around shaft towards to tip) until it ejaculates into the sterilized bottle.
* Secure sample in jar and then perform field tests to obtain description:
o colour, volume, consistency (sticky, watery, lumpy etc), taste (salty, sweet, tangerine etc), temperature (warm, cold or hot), sperm count (count visible sperm present in sample)
o label sterile jar as noted above - label MUST be filled in precisely otherwise it will not be acceptable.
o place sterile jar into refrigeration (basic home fridge is fine) immediately - cool icebox is fine in the field.
* Once you have 12 DNA samples:
o pack securely in DRY ICE
o burn all videos onto DVD, place DVD into sealed plastic bag and store with samples
o courier back to me here.

Payment process:

* All your reasonable expenses will be met - including accommodation, meals, fuel, postage, phone, internet access etc
o provide receipts per normal method and email me
* For each unique viable DNA sample collected - $350, for the batch of 12 - $ 4,200
o payment is made within 24 hrs of receipt of viable / unique / valid samples
o No payment without proof of proper / valid sample collection - stored on DVD (see above)
* I might be able to arrange earlier payment in rare circumstances and only ever with video proof (see above)

We need about 300 - 500 samples as soon as possible. Assuming the proper procedures are followed then this means the operators get paid between $100,000 and $175,000 (shared among those who collect the samples of course).

It might sound like a lot of money but consider that a hybrid bull will fetch about $5 M at market. I told you this was a big project.

Let me know when you can start and I will get onto the payment system for you.

Kindest regards,

Smelly Hunt

I will edit the above to fix layout issues but I'm a bit time poor just now.

I think I might have deviated a tad from the original bait plan ... who does not want to see lads milking bulls on youtube?

Hopefully more to come - no pun intended Laughing

Posted: Thu Mar 25, 2010 11:29 pm

Anyone who has been involved with cattle will spot the problems right away.

Yes I do know the proper procedure.. Very Happy

Never done it myself.

See these guys. They are the professionals. You can order the product using a link on the left side of this page. I have watched the delivery on several occasions personally. Don't ask. You don't want to know.

You may wish to modify your listed procedure to be believable by any lads near cattle if you want to get takers. Leave out the taste and sperm counting, that's a giveaway to anyone associated with the industry. Don't call it Milking. That's a dairy process, not a breeding process.

If you wish to know how this is done in real life for a bait, pm me. Don't pm me if you are just wanting animal porn.

No I don't have photos.

It is a common ranching and dairy practice.

http://www.allwestselectsires.com/

Choose dairy or beef from this page.

Taste is not an option. Neither is counting by looking at it. LOL. Dry Ice is not used, but a Dewar of Liquid Nitrogen is. Yes it survives freezing in LN2.

http://www.allwestselectsires.com/genetics/genetics.asp

We used beef as we raised Herefords.

It is delivered in LN2. The sample is defrosted just before insemination. You city folk just don't get the same entertainment the country boys get. Cool

Good breeds bring good money by the way. It is a thriving business.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 12:14 am

@ Agent1002 - oh my. You saw through my turrible plan to corner the whole bull milking market in ladgeria. Shocked

Thanks for the helpful pointers - and yeah I know milking is the wrong term.
Which is precisely why I use it.
Sadly I (sorta) know in general terms about most of the stuff you raised.

But I am not interested so much in getting the facts right as I am in seeing how they react to the script and then getting them to do the deed on film.
These are worth popping on our wall ...
And as always I look for opportunities in dis-education of lads.
This one has a mountain of great diseducation potential. Like being able to count sperm with the naked eye, offer an opinion about quality based on taste and so on.

My laddo just go back to me and all he was worried about was the meaning of DNA Shocked

Not a peep about the procedure or anything else mildly disturbing.

I take your points about this being too over the top for practical use and will probably wind it back a fe pegs. No that much though.

Thanks for the excellent feedback - most helpful Very Happy

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 12:40 am

Apprentice Bull Milker wrote:

hi Smelly.
am working on the research,i will update you very soon

Apprentice Bull Milker wrote:

they need the full meaning of the DNA, CONFIRM TO ME BICOS AM WORKING ON THAT NOW.

Well these lads have their scientific reputations to protect after all ... Shocked

He asked soooo nicely so ... time for a teeny bit of fun ..

Smelly The Vet wrote:

Hi

Thanks for getting back to me. It must be difficult trying to explain scientific and biological terms for lay people (non-scientists).

I will do my best at explaining DNA but doubt I will be musch better than your good learned self.

I spent a little time trying to find something that might help you without getting too technical. This Wikipedia article seemed fairly basic and covers most things well enough. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DNA

The short answer is that DNA contains the building blocks of life unique to each organism. Below is the longer answer but still (hopefully) sufficient for a lay person to understand..

The letters "DNA" stand for DeoxyriboNucleic Acid - D.N.A. DNA is a double helix molecule containing the instructions, blue prints or code on how to build an organism. Except for identical twins every person has a unique DNA code. Every living organism (so far as we can tell) has DNA. Some organic material like prions don't ... but then they are so far outside our understanding to know exactly what they are. Prions cause bovine spongifom encephalitis or mad cow disease (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mad_cow_disease).

Most people are familiar with how rapists are often caught because they leave behind their DNA in the victim. You see this all the time in CSI or Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.

In the last 30 years or so we have been using / studying animal DNA to create new and better and much more disease resistant breeds. There is nothing new about any of this. For thousands of years, farmers all over the world selected the best milk producing cow and bred their line with other excellent milk producing bulls. Over centuries milk cows produce enormous amounts of milk for human consumption. We do the same with beef cattle (all farm animals) too. But we are getting a lot better with the use of DNA. Now we can study a bull's DNA to make certain it has all of the characteristics required for excellent tender beef, rapid muscle gain with minimal feed costs. A breeder bull is a money making machine.

Bull semen is frozen and sold all around the world throughout the life of the animal. One sample might produce hundreds of inseminations each of which is worth severl thousand dollars.

We have learned how to manipulate DNA and can change it to produce almost anything. You might know about the glow in the dark bunnies or the hairy chickens or green fluorescent cats? All of these were created in labs using DNA from different species - like rabbit and jellyfish or rat and chicken or cats and bacteria. I have always considered this to be a bit of a freak show myself but it helps to get across how powerful DNA can be.

We need bull DNA, specifically from semen, so that we can identify key markers for disease resistance and desired traits (rapid weight gain, hardiness, marbling of meat etc). We then produce vast quantities of the DNA and combine it will gene cutting and other advanced techniques until we have exactly what we need.

Genetic manipulation of bull DNA is now old technology. It is exciting technology. And there is a vast amount of money at stake.

Damn. It is really hard to condense 30 years of personal study into a couple of paragraphs. Now I understand why you found it so difficult to tell your colleagues. Let me know if I can be of any further assistance.

I was gonna say we had a cat with wings but figured we really might have one ... keep it simple DB, it's where you live Very Happy

Must have said something right ...

Apprentice Bull Milker wrote:

ok i will look for it now.
I'm please to hear your news. Look at what exactly? Milking bulls? Gotta be a bit clearer than this laddo.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:56 am

The work is dangerous as bulls seldom prefer the method you suggest. Aproach a bull with a glass jar and you will be met with opposition. I hope you don't get any lads killed over this. Some bulls weigh over 1500 lbs.

The correct procedure involves a cow in heat and a big female condom for the cow. Shocked

It works much better when the bull has an idea of what to do.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 3:22 am

I have really tried hard not to say something I might regret here.

And try as I might, I am not sure how I can accurately communicate my views without insulting your views. We don't know each other. There is room for mis-communication.

A lad might / probably get hurt from a scam? Possibly - probably. What is your point?

Fuck me. Evil or Very Mad

FYI - take a look at the original bait. NSFW Lads milking a BULL *update 8/26 - more forms*

I might need to get back to you on this because I might explode.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 3:41 am

I am moving this to GC since it appears we are about to have an ethics debate, we haven't had one of those in a while. Laughing

Good job so far dogsbum. Thumbs up

ETA> Agent1002, the entire point of the bait is not to actually obtain semen samples from the bulls, it is to put the lads into an uncomfortable and possibly dangerous situation and of course get a few pics and some laughs. The lads could care less what the actual procedures are they are simply doing what lads do best, chasing a dollar to wherever it leads them.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 4:25 am

jose_cuervo wrote:

(snip)... the entire point of the bait is not to actually obtain semen samples from the bulls, it is to put the lads into an uncomfortable and possibly dangerous situation...

I think it would be safer to say that the point is to get the lad off script!

@dogsbum, please ignore Agent1002, he is the Anti-Steward!! Twisted Evil

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Apr 2007 Posts: 3123

Quote:

hope you don't get any lads killed over this.

I on the other hand would find that to be the greatest baiting achievement.

Good work, dogsbum. Very Happy

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:29 am

Agent1002 wrote:

Quote:

The correct procedure involves a cow in heat and a big female condom for the cow. Shocked It works much better when the bull has an idea of what to do.

Thoughts of the Video showing lads trying 'the correct procedure' just creased me!

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:32 am

Craig007 wrote:

I on the other hand would find that to be the greatest baiting achievement.

Unfortunately it would also be a terrible and destroying public relations nightmare that would discredit baiting, and anti-scamming activities, causing us so many negative and legal problems we'd never like, or needed to have.

It's fun to talk tough online, but really, no-one wants death on their hands or conscience. It's what separates us from the dim-witted simple folk and the animals. Very Happy

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:36 am

^^^ Not death NN just to see lads moving at the speed of light to avoid that bull's lust.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 9:51 am

@ devil_woman - the bait is taking a slight detour. Not because I am remotely concerned about laddo's safety but because this is a better plot device.
In any sympathy contest between a lad and an angry bull, the bull wins hands down.

Milker lads have to construct an artificial cow vagina for semen collection.
Must try it out first just to make sure it works properly Smile

Genius???

That would be far more likely to be done and put in a vid / picture.

The rest of the stuff stays - visual sperm count, taste and texture.

Still working on my temper ... will respond soonish ..

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 12:26 pm

dogsbum wrote:

Quote:

Milker lads have to construct an artificial cow vagina for semen collection.
Must try it out first just to make sure it works properly Smile Genius???

Photographic evidence or better still 'the movie' GENIUS indeed clapping

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:11 pm

@dogsbum, im laughing my ass off at this concept, great work. I also like to see a lad in harms way.

I cant get a image similair to freddy got fingered out of my head.
"Look daddy, im a farmer" with a lad and a bull.

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:04 pm

Apprentice Bull Milker wrote:

hold on first i mobilize my boys to go in to research for the item, i will soon get back to you as am through with details.

(Meh ... why worry about the Apprentice Bull Milker at all? Sounds as if he is throwing his entire intellectual might behind this one. Embarassed

Currently working on a script revision.
Lad safety is our # 1 concern immediately after bull welfare that is. Gotta keep the bull satisfied or they get cranky and we all know how that ends.
Lads getting chucked arse-over-tit through the air every which way you look.
Some might even spill that valuable bull milk - won't do at all.
After careful consideration by my boss (being created), lads will create artificial cow vagina's that are a close match to this sweet and attractive number:

Or alternatively ... the sleeker (for the bulls pleasure) number ... which requires great care and warm hands Very Happy

To be used .... like so ...

Video for our lads viewing pleasure ... eeeewww factor 10!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0LHkefHr70

Posted: Fri Mar 26, 2010 2:24 pm

dogsbum's lad wrote:

mobilize

There's your red flag (quite appropriately!) right there.

Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 12:11 am

@dogsbum,

Since there (thankfully) appears to be no ethics debate, do you want me to move this to Main as it's an ongoing bait?

Posted: Sat Mar 27, 2010 11:05 am

^^^ Too right Jose it is a serious agricultural matter, and dogsbum is educating lads to earn an honest living. Laughing

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:25 am

Hey perverts Very Happy

Not a lot to report from the apprentice bull milker ... he keeps sending one liners just to let me know that he wants to play
so maybe we might get more than one laddo in on this. I can dream big when I want to Twisted Evil

Apprentice Bull Milker wrote:

how are you my friend ,my boy is coming back with information by tomorrow i will update you.

Hold the phone ... my apprentice has a boi gathering bull milking info??
Nope. That won't do at all.
Time for me to poke his lazy arse ... there are western onions to pick Very Happy

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:28 am

Haha, nice but eww! Laughing

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:14 am

I don't know if a modified version of this technique would help the process along.

Maybe they should train with goats first...

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:18 am

/\/\/\ That link invokes images of lads, bulls, a car battery and jumper cables. Shocked

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 4:27 am

Those were the images I was thinking too Jose. Laughing

Posted: Tue Mar 30, 2010 5:22 pm

Horses, pigs, dogs, and a few other animals can be trained ot deliver without a female in heat nearby. Using an item as shown in a prior post if often used with horses to where they do not require a mare at all, just the sight of the equipment with the operator is all that is needed. Bulls on the other hand pretty much requires a cow in heat to get results. It's probably more than you needed about farming.

Umm.. in regards to a comment above.. Who is Stewart? I'll have to look so I can find out why I don't like him.. Very Happy

For those who care to know, the B&W photo does show the correct procedure. A big female condom is used for cattle. You don't want the job of putting it in or keeping it in place while the bull is busy.

It's amazing what you can learn on this forum.

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