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 Barrister Victor Madu has found a deceased relative of mine!

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yosemite sam
Hello I'm New here!


Joined: 13 Mar 2010
Posts: 1


PostPosted: Sat Mar 13, 2010 5:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Here is a long series of emails with a Nigerian barrister who has found a deceased relative of mine. Unfortunately, the passport photos and "application" form did not reprint here.



From: [email protected]
Date: March 11, 2006 4:27:13 AM CST
To: [email protected]
Subject: PRIVATE
Reply-To: VICTOR MADU <[email protected]>

FROM:BARR.VICTOR MADU (ESQ)
NO.5 MILVERTON STREET,
VICTORIA-ISLAND
LAGOS.
EMAIL:[email protected]

Dear XXXX

I am Barrister Victor Madu, a solicitor at law. I am the personal attorney to Mr. William XXXX, a national of your country, who used to work with shell development company in Nigeria and as well a one time secret agent in transferring of money overseas for the Late head of state of Nigeria {Late Gen.SANI ABACHA}.Before his death On the 21st of April 1999 [my client,his wife and their only daugther were involved in a car accident along sagamu express way in which all occupants of the motor died. My client {WILLIAM} deposited the sum of $15.5m in a commercial bank(REGIONAL BANK OF AFRICA) here in Nigeria for himself, with the hope of transferring it to his country as soon as he is on leave.

Since his death I have made several enquiries at your embassy to locate any of my clients extended relatives this has also proved unsuccessful.After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and property left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where these Money were Deposited. Particularly, the REGIONAL BANK OF AFRICA where the deceased Deposited (US$15,500,000)fiftheen million five hundred thousand dollars has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin within the next ten official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 3years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this deposit (Money) valued at (US$15,500,000)fiftheen million five hundred thounsand dollars can be claimed by you and then you and me can share the money. 60% to me and 30% to you and 10% for miscellenous. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make. All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us see this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you and me from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me by my confidential email address: ([email protected]) for more clearifications.

Best regards,
Barrister Victor Madu (Esq)
[email protected]


Friday night

From: XXXX
Date: March 24, 2006 8:59:29 PM CST
To: [email protected]
Subject: William XXXX

Dear Mr. Madu,

I am not aware of any relatives of mine doing business in Africa, but I do come from a rather large family. Please send further information.

Yours sincerely,

Chas. XXXX

Late Friday night

Dear Mr. Madu,

I spoke with my aged mother this evening, casually asking about any some relatives. She prattled on about all of her cousins and their children, but did mention when I asked that my grandfather's brother, Johannes XXXX (also spelled XXXX), who I never knew but had heard mentioned, worked for a time in Africa. He died some years ago. She couldn't recall what he did or if he had family (she is getting a bit senile), but William XXXX (or XXXX) could be a son of Johannes. It seems likely that he would have maintained dual citizenship for his children.

Even if the money thing doesn't pan out, my wife is a fanatic on this geneology thing, so any information you could send us on his family (date of birth, wife's family name, date of marriage, child(ren)'s names and dates of birth, etc.) would be very much appreciated. I would, of course, respect any lawyer-client confidentiality issues that might arise.

Of course, if I am an heir, I wouldn't say "no" to a large sum of money, although your fee seems a bit high by American standards. Of course, I am not a lawyer and don't know what the usual and customary fees might be in such a complicated international estate. I don't know, but does fifty/fifty strike you as reasonable?

I know the money thing is a long shot, but I thought I would get things out on the table sooner rather than later.

Sincerely,

Charles XXXX



CHAS MY DEAR,
I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT YOUR DELAYS IN CONTACTING ME, AT THE SAME TIME I COMEND YOU FOR YOUR INTELLIGENCY.

I SHOULD WANT TO BELEIVE THAT MY FIRST MAIL WAS SELF EXPLANATORY.THE DECEASED PERSON IN QUESTION WAS A FOREIGHNER WHO WORK WITH A REPUTABLE OIL FIRM IN MY COUNTRY AND AS WELL MY CLIENT.HIS NAME WAS MR WILLIAM XXXX.HE DIED WITH HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN IN AN AUTHOR CRASH SINCE 21ST OF APRIL.1999.SINCE HIS DEMISE I HAVE BEEN MONITORING AND GUIDING HIS ASSETS AND HIS DEPOSITED FUND WITH REGIONAL BANK PLC. AND BEEN SEARCHING FOR ANY OF HIS SUPPOSED RELATIVE AND ALL EFFORTS TOWARDS THIS HAS PROVED ABORTIVE.

AFTER SEVERAL YEARS OF HIS DEMISE AND NO BODY SHOWED UP AS HIS NEXT OF KIN OR RELATIVE TO COME AND CLAIM THIS MONEY WITH THE BANK ,THE BANK HAS PUBLISHED A WARNING LETTER TO CONFISCATE HIS DEPOSIT AND DECLARE IT UNSERVISEABLE OF WHICH COPY WAS GIVEN TO ME.I NOW WENT TO THE INTERNET TO SEARCH FOR ANY BODY WHO BEARS THE SAME NAME AS "XXXX", WHO CAN STAND AS THE NEST OF KIN TO MR WILLIAM XXXX,AND THE PROCEEDS OF THIS DEPOSIT WILL BE PAID TO HIM/HER HENCE I CONTACTED YOU.THOUGH ALL THIS EXPLANATION WAS WELL MADE IN THE FIRST MAIL I SENT TO YOU.

INSTEAD OF THE MONEY TO BE CONFISCATED INTO GOVERNMENTS ACCOUNT,IT WILL BE BETTER FOR ME AND YOU TO MAKE BUSINESS OUT OF IT.I HAVE TAKEN MY TIME TO SEARCH AND GET ALL THE DOCUMENTS WHICH WILL REPRESENT/BACK YOUR CLAIM BEFORE I CONTACTED YOU AND I WISH TO REASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE AND I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU AND ME FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW ONLY WHAT I NEED IS TO KEEP TO UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY AS THE BANK DO NOT KNOW OUR PLIGHT.

I WILL ADVICE YOU AS A MATTER OF URGENCY TO SEND TO ME YOUR PRIVATE TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS FOR VERY EASY COMMUNICATION AS THE TRANSACTION WILL REQUIRE 24HRS COMMUNICATION TO KEEP YOU UPTO DATE WITH EVERY DEVELOPMENT.AS SOON AS I HEAR FROM YOU I WILL COMMUNICATE YOU WITH THE CONTACT INFORMATION OF THE BANK AND SEND TO YOU THE TEXT OF APPLICATION WHICH YOU WILL SEND TO THE BANK TO RELEASE YOUR BROTHER'S DEPOSIT WITH THEM TO YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN.

MY DEAR,I HAVE CHOOSEN YOU WITH TRUST AND WILL WANT US TO WORK WITH ONE MIND AND NOT ANYTHING TO ABUSE THIS TRUST AT THE END.THIS TRANSACTION WILL NOT LAST FOR MORE THAN TWO WEEKS FOR THE MONEY TO BE PAID TO YOU,THAT IS IF WE ARE FASTER IN COMMUNICATION.
I WAITE TO HEAR FROM YOU SO THAT I WILL FURNISH YOU WITH OTHER RELEVANT INFORMATION.DO CALL ME ON THE PROMPT RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL STRICTLY ON MY MOBILE FOR US TO HAVE A HEART TO HEART CONVERSATION ON THE THIS MATTER.MOBILE: 234 1 471 7698. DIAL LIKE THIS,011 234 1 4717698

BYE FOR NOW AND GOD BLESS YOU.
YOURS SINCERELY
BARR.VICTOR MADU (ESQ)

EVERY CORRESPONDENCE SHOULD BE STRICTLY ON THIS EMAIL ADDRESS FOR CONFIDENTIALITY PURPOSE.THANK YOU.





Subj: Re: DETAILS
Date: Saturday, March 25, 2006 11:32:30 AM
From: XXXX
To: [email protected]

Dear Victor,

It's OK for me to call you by your first name, isn't it? I am afraid you have the wrong Charles XXXX. You referred to William as my "brother" and I don't have any brothers. I have two sisters. If William was the son of my great-uncle, Johannes, that would make him my second cousin or something. My mother explained this to me last night, but I was drinking heavily and don't recall all the details.

My sisters were at my Mom's last night and were a little suspicious of my questions. I told them that my wife, JJ is working on some of her geneology crap and wanted some information. I explained that JJ was not there because it was her bowling night which had the added virtue of being true. I figure the fewer things I make up, the better since I don't remember stuff so well. By rights, my sisters would be considered equal co-heirs to the William XXXX fortune, but if you don't tell them I sure as hell am not going to mention it. They always have treated me like I was a cretin. And when we were kids they used to take my GI Joe Navy Seal Action Figure and make him go to tea parties and stuff with their Barbie dolls. Can you imagine a trained killer demolition expert special forces commando going to a TEA PARTY!!!!!! They would say we're playing dolls and he's a doll. NO- HE'S AN ACTION FIGURE!!!!!! AND HE DOESN'T GO TO TEA PARTIES!!!!!!!!

My wife, JJ, wants to know if you can send us some geneological information on the XXXX family in Nigeria. Her chart is basically a blank below Johannes. Here is a list of her questions:

Name of Johannes wife, her DOB (date of death), DOM (date of marriage), any other children, DOBs, DOMs and DODs, etc.

OK, she's out of the room now. Just make up some crap if you don't feel like looking all this stuff up. My God, a busy barrister like you running geneological errands. She thinks everybody is as interested in this stuff as she is. Don't know what she's hoping to find. Judging from the present state of our family gene pool, I think she's more likely to find horse thieves and congenital idiots than any royalty. You know, she's absolutely OBSESSED with Princess Diana. Our living room looks like a friggin' shrine to "Her Royal Highness the Princess of Wales". Too bad she wasn't really fat and then she would've been the Princess of Whales"- HA HA HA---get it? Hell, just throw together a bunch of reasonable-sounding stuff and she'll be as happy as a pig in mud.

What's the difference between a barrister, a solicitor and a lawyer? No, this isn't a joke, so don't be waiting for the punch line. Nigeria was a British colony, right? That's probably why they still use those terms, huh? Do you wear one of those funny-looking white powdered wigs? I'll bet they itch like crazy as well as looking so silly. Oh, sorry.

Almost forgot, the reason it took me so long to answer-- I just got out of the hospital after major surgery. I had my pancreas removed. Nothing too serious, but I'll be laid up for while. I'm still in considerable pain and those damn doctors won't refill my prescriptions as often as I need it. I've already done the "I lost my perscription and need a new one" trick a few times. Do you have any doctor friends that could call in an Oxycontin script for me? In the States a lot of lawyers and doctors hang out at the same country clubs and such playing golf. Did you ever see "Caddyshack"? I love Bill Murray and the gopher. Have them call it into the Walgreen's at 90th and Center. They're in the phone book. Thanks, buddy.

As far as the legal stuff, I called "THE LAW OFFICES OF RONALD J. XXXXXX, P.C.- Serious Injuries Demand a Major Law Firm- Your First Consultation Is Always Free" because they're on the back of the phone book and answered the phone on Saturday morning. Don't worry, I disguised my voice with a Basque accent. The guy there said he didn't know anything about Nigerian probate and estate law, but he thought the 60% sounded pretty high. In the States, something like this would be billed by the hour. I pointed out to him that you had been looking for heirs for five years and the hourly billing could be a huge amount of money. He suggested I negotiate a lower percentage (whoa, like I hadn't already proposed that!!!!!!). He wanted to look over our correspondence and come into the office. I got suspicious and hung up.

I don't feel comfortable calling since the government here is monitoring a lot of calls. I think George W. Bush should be impeached. Here is a site you can vote on to impeach him. I vote there a couple of times a day. I don't think they care if you're a US citizen or not.

http://www.impeachbush.org/site/PageServer

Well gotta run. Time for a pain pill and a beer. JJ sends her regards and told me to remind you about the geneology information (wink, wink).

Your friend,

Charles "Chuck" XXXX

P.S. Did you know that ALL CAPITALS in emails and on the internet means that you are yelling and screaming? It gives me a headache and makes me feel as though you are angry with me. I will have to take an additional pain pill for that.

Hiya Victor-

Since you mentioned in your first email that Wm. XXXX was a secret agent for the gov't there, perhaps we should come up with some code words. You never know, they're probably monitoring emails as well as phone calls. If we quit using certain terms, they are much less likely to be suspicious.

From now on, I will be Yosemite Sam and you will be Porky Pig (you're not Muslim or Jewish are you? - that could be considered offensive). They'll think we are fans of old Warner Brothers cartoons. Use any character from the old Looney Tunes.

http://www.davemackey.com/animation/wb/

JJ is reading this over my shoulder. She insists on being referred to as Princess Di. I pointed out that that is NOT a Looney Tunes character. I guess we'll have to humor her.

Sincerely,

Yosemite Sam

Late Saturday night

Dear Porky Pig-

I am quite disappooointed with you, Victor. No reply and my wife's whole family is laughing at me. God forbid my sisters here about this, too. My brother-in-law, Bob says this is a bunch of sh#t and you are a scamer. He has some legal expertice as he is working as a security guard at Wal-Mart while workig on his associate degree in Criminal Justice at Metropolitan Community College. He wants to apply to the Police Acaedemy some day---HAH!!!

Maybe I've had too many beers tonight (not to mention the Oxycontins---woo woo), but I think he is a total poophead. I mean, what the hell dos he know about international law compard to a licencesed barrister? He always throws his weight arounfd and tells stupid stories about picking up shoplifters like he's busting u[p the Mafia or something.

You know, we never did agree ona % split on this deal. You know, 10% of 15.5 BIG equals a hell of a lot of "miscellaneous" if you ask me. The least you could do is give me a number I could call collect if you are going to be charging all these so-called "EXPENSES' as so-called "MISCELLANEOUS" You are3 gonna have to work with me or you are screwed, too. Witrhout me, you got nothing, DON'T FORGET!!!!!!!!!!

As always<

Yosemite Sam

P.S. If you are taking the weekend off or don't work on the sabbath, please forgive my somewhat agaitated tone. My wife's brother can get me going pretty well. PLEEEEEEZE send something to show I am not making all this up.




my dear,
Like i have said in my previous mail,this is the text of applcation which you will send to the bank aquinting them to know that you are the next of kin to Mr William XXXX.please send this application immediately and inform me.The email address of the bank as giving to me are:

[email protected]
[email protected]

I wish to commend you for your attension towards this transaction.All i require from you is honesty and transparency.Our time frame has been planned already as i have planned everything to be concluded as quickly as possible.I have to warn you against delay in this transaction as it is not good for this.Be fast in what ever we are doing about this.send the application to the bank immediately and inform me that it has been sent.
Note that telephone is very important to us as regards this transaction because we need to be in constant communication for proper directives to be given.
I have aslo attached herewith,my international passport for your perusal and more recognition about my person.
victor.
N/B:ONCE MORE I REASSURE YOU THAT THIS TRANSACTION IS 100% RISK FREE AND I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU AND ME FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW ONLY WHAT I NEED IS TO KEEP TO UTMOST CONFIDENTIALITY AS THE BANK DO NOT KNOW OUR PLIGHT.

THE TEXT OF APPLICATION
THE DIRECTOR,
LEGAL & ADMINISTRATIVE DEPARTMENT
REGIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
LAGOS-NIGERIA.
SIR
APPLICATION FOR CLAIMS OF INHERITANCE

I MR/MRS===== FROM===== HUMBLY APPLY FOR THE CLAIM OF MY LATE UNCLE MR.WILLIAM XXXX WHO DEPOSITED THE SUM OF USD$15.5 M,(FIFTEEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) IN YOUR BANK.
MY LATE UNCLE DIED AS A RESULT OF AUTHOR CRASH. BEFORE HIS DEATH, HE MADE KNOWN TO ME ABOUT HIS VALUED ACCESS AND THE SAID DEPOSITED AMOUNT IN YOUR BANK.

SIR, I WILL ABIDE BY THE RULES AND REGULATION GUIDING YOUR BANK'S LAW OF PAYING ME THIS MY UNCLE'S DEPOSITED FUND WITH ALL CONSCIENCE AND REGARDS.

I WILL BE HIGHLY APPRECIATIVE IF MY APPLICATION IS GIVEN DUE ATTENTION BY YOUR ESTEEMED ESTABLISHMENT. WHILE AWAITING YOUR EARLIEST RESPONSE.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
MR/MRS =====
NEXT OF KIN AND BENEFICIARY
UNBEHALF OF XXXX'S FAMILLY





Sunday afternoon

Dear Porky Pig,

Thanks for the reply. And sorry about the rambling letter from last night. Forget all that. I know that you are a straight shooter and an honorable gentleman and not a scammer. It's just that Princess Di's brother (we'll call him Daffy Duck from now on, OK?) can be such a jerk and gets me so mad, especially when I have been drinking.

You know, Daffy Duck did make one good point though about me getting some appropriate legal representation since you have what he called a "conflict of interest" since you are representing William XXXX's estate, me and yourself. He says he read it in class in criminal justice. He thinks I need a real expert on international estate law, not some guy like Ronald J. XXXXXX. Don't get me wrong, if you got bit by someone's dog or if the surgeons cut off the wrong leg or something, Ronald J is your man! But I don't know that his firm would be best for this sort of case. Unless you have someone you can recommend, I might email these guys tomorrow-

http://www.internationallawoffice.com/directory/Detail.aspx?r=8427

http://www.uubo.org/en/index.php

You know these guys? Are they a reputable outfit or is this just a front for one of those Nigerian scams? Pretty good looking website, though.

Now, we could dispense with all this lawyer stuff if you would just be reasonable on this fee percentage. I can tell you are a tough negotiator, but you are dealing with no small time operator at this end, either. You wouldn't believe the deal I got Princess Di's 1997 Chevy Astro van at the 50th Street Used Car Mart! Now, I have made you a counter-offer in response to your opening offer. You now make a counter-counter-offer and I either agree or come up with a counter-counter-counter offer. So on and so forth. C'mon, you must have done this a million times.

Princess Di just yelled in from the kitchen to remind me to ask about the geneology stuff. I know you are a busy man, but that woman can be persistent. How about I just make up a bunch of stuff and you can send it back in another email and she'll never know the difference.

Let's say that Johannes married a certain Florence Craye- only daughter of Percy and Dorothea (Darrell) Craye. Her DOB will be 4/1/1906 and she died 12/16/44 giving birth to William (DOB 12/16/44). William was primarily raised by household servants and was sent to boarding school at a very early age. Johannes died 5/30/1968 of tertiary syphillis, no... make that gout.

William married Gwladys Spencer on 6/21/67. She was raised in a Lagos orphanage, but it was believed her family came from England. You see, this'll make Princess Di think of the real Princess Diana's family since her name was Spencer and maybe we're kind of related. Gwladys' actual DOB is unknown and is thus listed as 4 August. In Britain, people with undetermined birthdays are assigned, by law, the same birthday as the reigning monarch- Queen Elizabeth II in this case. It makes for a real mess when the king or queen dies and all these people have to get their drivers licences and passports changed what with the government offices closed for the state funeral.

William graduated from the University of Nigeria (nickname: the Fighting Gazelles) and worked for Shell Oil. He was also an agent for the Nigerian government (code name: Elmer Fudd). Dahlia Spencer XXXX was born in Lagos 8/26/80.

Now in the first letter only one child was mentioned, but in the second it said "children". I just had a horrible thought- are there other children surviving? Maybe William had illegitimate children on the side. What is their legal status under Nigerian law. Oh, this whole thing may go up in smoke!!!!! Was William fooling around with the help? Reminds me of a Rolling Stones song:

Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields,
Sold in a market down in new orleans.
Scarred old slaver know he’s doin’ alright.
Hear him whip the women just around midnight.
Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good
(a-ha) brown sugar, just like a young girl should
A-huh.

Drums beating, cold english blood runs hot,
Lady of the house wond’rin where it’s gonna stop.
House boy knows that he’s doin’ alright.
You should a heard him just around midnight.
Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good
(a-ha) brown sugar, just like a black girl should
A-huh.

I bet your mama was a tent show queen, and all her boy
Friends were sweet sixteen.
I’m no schoolboy but I know what I like,
You should have heard me just around midnight.

Ah brown sugar how come you taste so good
(a-ha) brown sugar, just like a young girl should.

I said yeah, I said yeah, I said yeah, I said
Oh just like a, just like a black girl should.

I said yeah, I said yeah, I said yeah, I said
Oh just like, just like a black girl should.

Of course, this song is about slave ships and stuff. I hope I have not offended you, my friend.

Please get back to me with answers as soon as possible. There are some things we need to settle before we go any further. Don't forget the geneology stuff. Just cut and paste into a new email. It isn't really hard at all.

Yours sincerely,

Yosemite Sam

Sunday afternoon

Dear Victor,

Princess Di insists that I send you a message to apologize for the Rollong Stones "Brown Sugar" lyrics in the last email. I didn't mean anything offensive, for sure.

And don't worry about the geneology stuff. I'll cut and paste something together and print it out for her and say it's from you.

I'm sorry, but I haven't been feeling so good today. My incision from my pancreas surgery is real sore and has a little pus coming out of one end. I think I have a fever and am almost out of pain pills.

Yosemite Sam

Later Sunday

Dear Mr. Porky Pig,

This is Princess Di. I wanted to personally thank you for the information you sent on the Johannes XXXX branch of the family tree. I am going to sit right down and enter it in my genealogy charting software. You can imagine how excited I was to see all those names. And the mysterious Gwladys Spencer! You know, that was the Princess of Wales maiden name. I shall have to do some homework to see what I can find about her. Isn't the Internet wonderful? Thank goodness Al Gore was there to invent it!

How sad that poor William grew up without his mother. And in spite of it all, he was able to become a successful businessman and secret agent.

I am a bit worried about Yosemite Sam. He doesn't seem himself today. He had a lot to drink last night and fought with my brother, which isn't really unusual, but if it's a hangover, they typically are better by this time of day. If anything he's worse now than when he got out of bed this afternoon.

Well I don't want to worry a busy barrister like you with my problems.

Thanks again for the information.

Princess Di


Monday AM

have you sent the application?please inform me so that we can proceed.
victor



Monday afternoon

Dear Porky Pig-

Sorry about the delay. I had a rough night last night. My wound has gotten worse with more pus coming out of it. I am also throwing up large amounts of blood and have a fever. I am also nearly out of pain pills. Have you ever tried to use one of those Canadian pharmacy sites on the internet?

Princess Di talked to my doctor this morning and he says they might have to remove my thymus or perhaps my adrenal glands if things don't improve soon. I am thinking of getting a second opinion. That reminds me of a joke- Doctor says, you need to lose weight. Patient says, doc I think I need a second opinion. Doctor replies, OK, you're ugly, too.

Ouch, it really hurts when I laugh.

But what really hurts is that my friend Porky Pig does not seem to even be aware of my suffering. He does not say "SAM, I AM GRAVELY CONCERNED AS YOU HAVE NOT BEN YOUR SELF AS OF LATE,AND SINCE YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME AND I LOVE YOU I AM GRAVELY CONCERNED"

No, what does my "friend" Porky say- "have you sent the application?please inform me so that we can proceed." At least he does not use ALL CAPITALS which makes my head hurt and I am almost out of pain pills.

Since you did not contact me about the law firm in Lagos, I emailed them. Boy, are they ever expensive!!!!! I though they were pulling my leg (that's an American English colloquialism meaning "they are having a joke at my expense"). At any rate, if we can come to a "gentleman's agreement" on your fees we will not have to be hiring expensive international attorneys or even "THE LAW OFFICES OF RONALD J. XXXXXX, P.C.- Serious Injuries Demand a Major Law Firm- Your First Consultation Is Always Free". OK, this is my FINAL OFFER---- we each get 50 (fifty) % (percent) and you pay all "Miscellaneous". Deal?

I look forward to the courtesy of a reply. (Alright, I did get that from Daffy Duck from one of his books.)

Your friend,

Yosemite Sam




have you sent the application?please inform me so that we can proceed.
Victor




Monday evening

Dear Porky Pig,

This is Princess Di...Oh, hell, let's cut the crap, Victor. It's JJ, the idiot's wife.

Charles is back on the hospital after I made him go back to the doctor this afternoon. The new surgeon (we got a 2nd opinion) says that we never should have allowed the other doctor to remove Yosemite Sam's pancreas- it apparently has a lot of important functions. We were never told that Chuck would be an insulin-dependent diabetic after this procedure and that he would have foul-smelling loose stools for the rest of his life due to the lack of digestive enzymes that the pancreas normally provides (believe me, this is an important issue in a small apartment like ours). I am so disappointed! And I've had hardly any time at all to work on the new genealogy information you so kindly provided.

The new surgeon, a handsome young man who looks a lot like "Dr. McDreamy" from the TV show, says there are some tests to run, but that Charlie will need his thymus removed emergently. Do you have any doctor friends who could assure me that this is the right thing to do? I know that in the States a lot of lawyers and doctors hang out at the same country clubs and such playing golf. Did you ever see "Caddyshack"? I love Bill Murray and the gopher.

At any rate, the last thing Chas. said before they wheeled him off to surgery was to contact you and to say that everything was a go if you agreed to his terms-50/50. He gave me his computer password (something he's never done before because I suspect he's looking at naughty pictures of girls dressed up as barristers) and said to send the application if you agreed to his terms. I will check his emails soon and get back to you if I have any questions.

I tell you, he is as stupid as the summer day is long, but I feel he may have stumbled onto something here in spite of himself.

Fondly.

JJ (AKA Princess Di)

Tuesday night
Uh, oh. No email today. Guess we’ll have to take the next step.


Dear Porky Pig,

I have spent the entire day at the hospital. Sam's operation did not go so well and he is in intensive care and has a tubes coming out of his nose and mouth (Eww-gross!!!). The doctor said they may yet have to operate again to remove his adrenal glands (are there more than one?). The only good news is that the new surgeon (the one who looks like Dr. McDreamy from "Grey's Anatomy") says we might have a good malpractice case against the first surgeon for removing Sam's pancreas for no good reason. When I confronted him, he admitted that the first surgery was a mistake and that he only performed it because he had a boat payment to make. Looks like a case for- "THE LAW OFFICES OF RONALD J. XXXXXX, P.C.- Serious Injuries Demand a Major Law Firm- Your First Consultation Is Always Free" if you ask me.

At any rate, I went through Sam's email correspondence with you and learned all about this proposition. As an aside, may I add that judging by your passport photo, you are one handsome devil? I'll bet you have to beat the ladies off with a stick! Unless of course beating them with a stick is some sort of local courting custom, in which case you should refrain from doing it.

At any rate, let's cut the BS, Victor. I know that you need an "heir" and I could certainly use the money. If Sam's kicks off (an American English colloquialism for "die"), my own claim for the XXXX fortune becomes somewhat tenuous since Sam and I have what is known as a "common law marriage" (an American English colloquialism for "shacking up"). I tried to get us officially married by the hospital chaplain this afternoon, but he refused while Sam is still on the morphine infusion and has a breathing tube down his throat. What a jerk!!! Forget the 50-50, we'll go with the original deal. Sam will thank me in the end, if he survives.

I am sending the application per your instructions. I will lie and tell Sam that his Nigerian friend Victor sends his warmest regards and best wishes for a speedy recovery to his dear friend and brother Sam. You are a heartless bastard and I love you for it.

Warmest personal regards,

XXOOXXOO

Princess Di


Sent from Princess Di-


THE DIRECTOR,
LEGAL & ADMINISTRATIVE DEPARTMENT
REGIONAL BANK OF AFRICA
LAGOS-NIGERIA.
SIR
APPLICATION FOR CLAIMS OF INHERITANCE

I MR/MRS Charles Anatole XXXX FROM Omaha, Nebraska, USA HUMBLY APPLY FOR THE CLAIM OF MY LATE UNCLE MR.WILLIAM XXXX WHO DEPOSITED THE SUM OF USD$15.5 M,(FIFTEEN MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) IN YOUR BANK.
MY LATE UNCLE DIED AS A RESULT OF AUTHOR CRASH. BEFORE HIS DEATH, HE MADE KNOWN TO ME ABOUT HIS VALUED ACCESS AND THE SAID DEPOSITED AMOUNT IN YOUR BANK.

SIR, I WILL ABIDE BY THE RULES AND REGULATION GUIDING YOUR BANK'S LAW OF PAYING ME THIS MY UNCLE'S DEPOSITED FUND WITH ALL CONSCIENCE AND REGARDS.

I WILL BE HIGHLY APPRECIATIVE IF MY APPLICATION IS GIVEN DUE ATTENTION BY YOUR ESTEEMED ESTABLISHMENT. WHILE AWAITING YOUR EARLIEST RESPONSE.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
MR/MRS Charles Anatole XXXX
NEXT OF KIN AND BENEFICIARY
UNBEHALF OF XXXX'S FAMILLY

Thursday-

i am still waiting to hear from you if you have sent the application.
Victor

Thursday afternoon-

Porky Pig-

This is Princess Di. I told you the other day that I had sent the application. I swear, I might as well be talking to myself the way you listen. You're just like Yosemite Sam- he never listens to me, either. Actually, all the men in my life act as though I scarcely exist. I mean, just because a girl gains several dozen pounds and develops an unhealthy obsession with Her Royal Highness Diana, the Princess of Wales doesn't mean that she isn't interested any more in love and romance. It's not as though Yosemite Sam is any great prize, what with his substance abuse, unresolved family issues, bad jokes, and now especially that he is a mere shell of the man he once was. Really, as though he could ever be someone I could love now that he has no pancreas, no thymus and may soon be lacking even adrenal glands.

Is there any way we can get the money issued to me? After all, I'm the one doing all the work.

Oh yeah, your "good friend" Yosemite Sam is actually doing much better. He is buoyed up with daily messages of support from "Porky Pig" that I have been producing for him. For example, "SAM, I AM STILL GRAVELY CONCERNED ALTHOUGH I AM HAAPY TO HERE YOU ARE FEELLING BETTER,AND SINCE YOU ARE LIKE A BROTHER TO ME AND I LOVE YOU I AM GRAVELY CONCERNED".

Now get a half a brain, you moron, earn your money and track down the application that I already sent. Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? I sent it here: [email protected].

Get in gear, stupid,

Princess Di

P.S. Send me a picture of you with your white barrister's wig, as soon as possible.

Nothing for a while. I figure he’s gone. I haven’t been checking the mail for a few days. And then…

Tuesday AM


so far,have you heard from the bank?inform me.
victor


Thursday PM. No time to craft a good long answer.

Hello Porky Pig-

Serious problems here. Unable to write for last few days since my modem was not working. Bank has NOT responded to application. I am becoming desperate, despondent, distorted, demoralized, deficient, dissipated, discombobulated and depressed.

Please try to contact the bank and see what the problem is.

Princess Di

Friday AM. Here’s the email from the “bank”:

TO THE ATTENSION OF:CHARLES ANATOLE XXXX,(BENEFICIARY)
USA

Sir,
RE-YOUR CLAIM AS NEXT OF KIN TO LATE MR.WILLIAM XXXX

This is to acknowledge the receipt of your application on the above subject.I am pleased to inform you that your application is being processed.
However,you are required to provide the below stated as proof of next of kin to MR WILLIAM XXXX to enable us conclude the transfer of funds in late MR WILLIAM XXXX'S BANK ACCOUNT with us.

1.Your International Passport or drivers license.

2.Deposit Certificate issued to MR WILLIAM XXXX by this bank on the day of this deposit .

3.Affidavit of next of kin to MR WILLIAM XXXX to be obtained from the federal high court ABUJA.
4.Death certificate of MR WILLIAM XXXX.
Please send every information through this box for confidentiality purpose.This is our most confidential email address.

See attached,the TRANSFER PROCESSING FORM FOR NEXT OF KIN.You are adviced to fill this form correctly and send back to us urgently to enable us discharge our duties effectively.Your telephone and fax numbers are very important to us.PLEASE TAKE NOTE.
As soon as we receive this information you shall be further adviced.
Regards,
DR LUGARD EFE,
LEGAL AND ADMINISTRATIVE DEPT.
REGIONAL BANK OF AFRICA.





Finally got around to replying to the good Dr. Efe and emailed back to Porky Pig (Thursday, 4/13)

Dear Dr. Efe,

A thousand pardons for my tardiness in replying to your most important message. I was recently released from the hospital after a succession of surgical procedures too gruesome too recount to what is essentially a total stranger like yourself, although I got a very warm feeling emanating from your persona that came through even over the thousands of miles between us and although we are communicating by email. Let's just say that I shall be condemned to go through life as half-a-man. Well, not really half, but they did manage to separate me from my pancreas, my thymus and my adrenal glands. But I hate to bother you with my worries. I have my attorney, Victor Madu, to dump all that stuff on. He is like a brother to me, you know.

Speaking of Victor, I must contact him immediately to obtain some of the documentation required by your bank. I was totally unaware of my late relative, William XXXX, so it may take some legwork to find all of the paperwork.

I look forward to working with you.

Charles XXXX

Dear Porky Pig,

Man, you wouldn't believe all the stuff that has been going on here. I got out of the hospital after another surgery and discovered that the love of my life, common-law spouse known as Princess Di has been dealing with you in an entirely inappropriate manner regarding this William XXXX matter. As far as I am concerned, she has totally bolluxed up (that is a British-English colloquialism for foul up, muff, blow, flub, screw up, spoil, bungle or fluff) this whole thing. But do not worry my friend, I have "taken care" of our little Princess Di. Do you remember the first "Godfather" movie? When they get the dead fish wrapped in the bulletproof vest wrapped in newspaper? One of them says "It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes." (That is an Italian-American-English colloquialism meaning "dead, deceased, departed, extinct, lifeless, inanimate.") I’m not sure who I should send her bulletproof vest to, however.

Do you have any suggestions on getting rid of a dead body? I read a novel one time where they tossed a dead guy into a hog pen because pigs will eat up every part of a body, even the bones. Is that true? Pretty funny me asking someone named Porky Pig that one, huh? HA HA HA!!! Get it?

I've gotta do something soon. I had to empty out the big freezer and am really sick of eating ice cream. I don't know any pig farmers and would feel really uncomfortable knocking on Farmer Brown's door and asking if I could please toss this big gunny sack in your hog confinement. Do you do criminal defense work?

Back to the important issues. I got this email from that bank and they need a whole bunch of stuff and I have no idea where to find it. They sent me a "processing form" and they want

"1.Your International Passport or drivers license.

2.Deposit Certificate issued to MR WILLIAM XXXX by this bank on the day of this deposit .

3.Affidavit of next of kin to MR WILLIAM XXXX to be obtained from the federal high court ABUJA.
4.Death certificate of MR WILLIAM XXXX.
Please send every information through this box for confidentiality purpose. This is our most confidential email address."

Well, my friend, this is where you earn your part of this deal. You've gotta get this stuff for me and email it back ASAP (that's an acronym for "as soon as possible") and I'll get it sent on to them.

We probably need to talk. Call me at work tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM CDT. My number at work is XXX XXX XXXX*. I figure that the phone call can be on you for the "Miscellaneous" expenses you want to be paid for. Ask for Chuck in the recreation department. I am the assistant chief of recreational activities, team-building services coordinator and coach of the bowling team at a government agency. It's a pretty easy job and I have civil service protection, which means I'd pretty much have to KILL someone to get fired and even then it would take about eighteen months. I just realized how funny that is in light of recent events- HA HA HA!!!

I was really upset with Princess Di (duh) for not being a tougher negotiator with you over your fees, but I guess a deal is a deal.

Call me tomorrow.

Yosemite Sam

*This is the number for the local FBI field office.

Never did hear back from Victor. I wonder if he called the FBI.
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