I look forward to the reply from this...

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Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:40 pm

Things are heating up on my soup bait that I started last month. Lad is now firmly on the hook, and my character, the Soup Baron (who is soups answer to Willy Wonka) has just declared to the lad what he needs the money for....

Quote:

Dear Miss Kossa,
Good day to you. Im having a bit of a tough day to be honest with you. Turns out that those bloody morons at the SDD Corporation have brought out a new line of soups including-would you believe it- Salad. Not only that, they've also brought out exotic flavours such as parrot & corriander, southern fried gorilla and....and youre not going to believe this...Iberian Lynx and Wild Mushroom! I mean, theyre almost extinct, how the hell do they get them to prepare them for mass-made soups?! Those bloody Koreans! Well I'll tell you right now, Miss Kossa, if they want war, they've got it!

Honestly, Ive been making soup since I was still in short trousers, Ive invested millions of pounds to make sure that my Soup Utopia is not just a run of the mill soup factory, but a complete soup experience. I mean, do you know how much I spent having that soup river installed? So many people said it couldnt be done- my friends, family, bank and local health and safety officers- but I went ahead and did it anyway....a 10 meter wide, 30 foot deep, 2 mile long river of soup. Thats my dedication to soup Miss Kossa, I love the stuff, and no Korean money grabber is going to take that away from me!

Anyway, I will follow your instructions and get in touch with this Barrister. I do hope he's reliable- the last time I hired a lawyer, he was pathetic. There was a series of incidents one day last year where I held a competition for children to win a tour of my Soup Utopia. It was a simple concept, I put 5 golden tickets in random tins of soup, and the lucky children who found them were invited to come on a tour of my factory, hosted by me.

Sadly, the children were harder to control than I first expected, and a series of unfortunate events took place. Now, I'll spare you the macabre details, but it turns out that a sprawling Soup Utopia is no place for a bunch of hyperactive schoolchildren - apparently they prefer the mirky depths of my soup river, eating "experimental" soups that cause horrible side effects, and clogging up my machinery with their gangly limbs. Theres no need to worry though, theyre all in a better place now (In fact, you might want to ask your friend, Rev. Godfrank to say hello to them for me). Needless to say the parents of these children were not best amused when I returned at the end of the tour with no children and persued with all kinds of legal action against me which is ongoing to this very day, and so far the fellow I employed has been utterly useless. Hopfully this money I get from you will pay for me to get the best lawyer I can find to defend my good name!

Now, I shall get in touch with Barrister Ihens immediatley so we can get the ball rolling on this deal.

Regards,

Baron Albert Hermann

Will update on the reply tomorrow, though Im currently looking for ideas for soup-based trophy pictures, all suggestions welcome.

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:55 pm

^^^
That's hilarious!
What about a lad doing an Andy Warhol style poster? You could also ask for soup recipes that they could enter a contest with. Of course they would need to make a big pot of it and do taste tests with lots of photos documenting the process!

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 5:58 pm

If you get bored, feel free to check out my characters website...

Or his competitor, the Korean soup-science experts, the SDD corporation...

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:05 pm

Give him an experimental recipe to prepare, sweet potato and chilli soup

Take 3 large sweet potatoes, 2 onions, a large carrot, a large stick of celery, 2 large cloves of garlic and 25-30 green finger chillies. Chop them all up finely and simmer in chicken stock until sweet potatoes are soft. Add a few glugs of tabasco sauce and transfer to a blender.

Blend the mixture until it is fine then transfer the mixture back to a bowl and chill in the fridge overnight. The cooling is the most important part because it gets rid of all the hotness of the chilles and the tabasco and leaves the delicious flavour intact.

Once cooled this soup should be served cold, preferably drunk from a large glass, try and make up a good reason to serve this out in the open somewhere, away from any source of water. Make sure you get pictures of every stage to ensure he is following the recipe correctly.

Once he's done that he'll probably not be in touch for a couple of days, he'll be too scared to go more than 30 seconds dash away from his bathroom, let alone an internet cafe

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:07 pm

^^^

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 6:15 pm

@whatsthatcomingoverthehil

I like your thinking there, my good man. I was also toying with the idea of having him write out a letter using letters he finds in alphabet soup, or making some kind of broth from his own shoes.

419Eater is my life Joined: 11 Dec 2009 Posts: 316

Hi,
taken the age of the good Baron, he is a man full of energy and ideas.
congrats!

I guess there will be a lot of accidents und twists in this bait.
good luck! Very Happy

Posted: Tue Feb 09, 2010 8:49 pm

Love the site! Very Happy

(Now I keep hearing Tommy Cooper's voice when I'm reading the message, lol)...
The postcode looks... unusual too, hehe Wink

Wishing you luck with this one. Some definite comedy potential here Smile

Could maybe fit in a safari where the lad somehow wins a golden ticket and has to travel somewhere to get his "prize" Wink

Not quite a Newb Joined: 13 Jun 2009 Posts: 33

Great web site Gaz.

Come on baiters, leave some comments in the soup forum Wink

http://hermannsoup.weebly.com/index.html

Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 1:40 am

How come there is no Soup Nazi? Seems this is a SOUP forum, a Soup Nazi would be obligatory. Very Happy

[edit]

Quote:

NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 3:22 am

as a web design student, I have to say I LOVE Soup Doggy Dog and it's engrish! You almost got my thrown out of the library I was laughing so hard!!!

Great scope for comedy, and good to see Tommy Cooper again Smile

GREAT Stuff!!!

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 5:07 pm

Just an update on this one. Ive just delivered my first slap in almost 2 years to a lad who is taking ages sending back the application to come and work for me in my Soup Utopia. She's had the forms for almost a week, so I sent her a text-based kick up the backside telling her to get a move on, so I got a reply from her asking me to fill in page 2 of the form (which for reasons of comedy, I wont...trust me, it'll be worth the wait when you see her oompa-loompa style rhymes)....

Quote:

My Dearest One.

Dear Mr .

Is me mIss Josephine Kossa. Really i am very sorry for my delay in return the important application forms.
Dear i want to tell you that you will do me some favour concerning the filling of the form, I can only fill the page 1 and the last page
I want you to help me and fill the rest as i do not know what to say in them.i want to make sure that the excesise is not worthless.
I hope you will understand my point and help me.
Tell me that you can do the rest by yourself so that i will scan the already done page and send to you.
Please i want you to respond quickly because we no longer have steady electricity.

I look forward to hear from you today.

Yours Sincerely

Miss Josephine.

So, Ive sent her a cheery reply....

Quote:

Dear Mrs Kossa,
I very much beg your pardon?! Are you telling me in all seriousness that, although you are perfectly capable of filling in the form yourself, you are only filling in two pages-- the two pages where you just write your name, that is-- and leaving the rest for someone else to do for you? You have left me waiting all this time just to tell me that you have done nothing on the form except write your own name?! This is simply unacceptable, Miss Kossa! Simply unacceptable! I had no idea that I was dealing with such a lazy, incompetent, time-wasting and possibly pungent cheese smelling nincompoop! Never in my days a as a baron of soup have I witnessed such inefficiency! Lazy incompetents such as yourself are the skidmarks on the undergarments of society!

Miss Kossa, I am growing quite impatient with your excuses, be that excuse difficulty of a form, lack of electricity, or extreme social upheaval! So stop all your silliness and get this sent to me as quickly as possible. I want the rest of those pages filled in, Miss Kossa, even if you can't tell what to put in them. Put whatever you think is appropriate in them, for Chrissakes!!

This is not an Oxocube university exam on 'Shakeandbakespearean literature', or even an affidavit to cover one against foreseen factory injuries! Get the form done lickety-split, woman, and then we will talk further on this most troublesome business! The bankers are already tightening their vice-like grip on my cojones over these pesky loans as it is.

Please get back to me with the necessary documents. No more excuses!

So, now just to sit back and wait.

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:27 pm

Baron Albert Hermann wrote:

Lazy incompetents such as yourself are the skidmarks on the undergarments of society!

I think I'm gonna use that one more often in conversation, hehe Wink

You publishing this one when it's done? Very Happy

Posted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:36 pm

^^Happy_Slacker I get that he was toning it down a bit from
"Nazi" to "Baron". for many reasons

Posted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 8:56 am

Technomancer wrote:

Baron Albert Hermann wrote:

Lazy incompetents such as yourself are the skidmarks on the undergarments of society!

I think I'm gonna use that one more often in conversation, hehe Wink

You publishing this one when it's done? Very Happy

I will be, although Im having some trouble getting her to fill in the forms properly, she's done a really poor job of it (although in one of the questions, she answers that when she dies, she'd like to be reincarnated as chicken soup Laughing

...alll shall be revealed shortly)

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