Goofy stuff that YOU wrote

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Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:02 pm

We've all had a good laugh at the goofy crap that the Lads come up with... but have you ever written anything equally funny, deliberately or otherwise?

I'll open with this sentence that I wrote in trying to get a Lad off script:

Quote:

Mr Harr1son K0ne of Sierre Leone wins a lottery in California and deposits the money in a bank in Ghana. Now, all of a sudden, Mr Harr1son K0ne from Sierra Leone turns out to have been not an African man but a whitebread Southern boy, Mr Ma1co1m Reyn0lds from Charleston, South Carolina, who opted (dunno why) to deposit the money in a false name in Ghana, and now wants to change the paperwork to show that he was never Mr Harr1son K0ne from Sierra Leone.

The Two Ronnies meet Dr. Seuss...

** SUSPENDED ** Joined: 26 Mar 2005 Posts: 1267

Quote:

Hi,

Sorry if this email is short as I am in a lot of pain. I live in a very old house and houses are not built like they use to be. As I was falling asleep from watching the television, the floor gave out underneath me and I fell through the floor and landed in the basement. When my chair hit the floor, it ejected me and I flew face first into the wall. I am in a lot of pain and I too am now in the hospital. Thankfully they gave me a laptop so I can respond quicker, depending on what kind of medication they give me.

and

Quote:

A little background: The hospital was built in 1942, over an ancient Indian burial ground. The hospital was suppose to block out the bad spirits. When a patient is cured, this is suppose to be because of the Indian spirits helping to cure the patient and give the doctors guidance when they are doing a high-risk surgery on somebody.

What happened was that while my wife was in her hospital bed asleep, the doctors heard a crackling noise, and than a loud "explosion" type sound. When they opened up the door to her room, she was not there, instead, they found a huge hole in the floor.

The doctors called me and told me that my wife was missing, and that she might of "exploded", they said they'd call me back with more information. Upon further investigation from the lead doctor, they saw no fire, nor smelled any smoke.. Just the dust coming up from the hole in the floor.

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 11:14 pm

When I'm doing my church baits and offer money for the lads to be missionaries, I always include the following line.
"We are overjoyed at your decision to perform a missionary position with us."

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:04 am

Even I don't know what I was on about Laughing

Quote:

I became suspicious when my good friend Dr Henry saw the photograph that she had sent me, and pointed out that �Lek� (that was the slut�s name) had what appeared to be an Adams apple. When I wrote and asked her about this...she finally admitted that she was really a man.

Needless to say I was devastated. It wasn�t the fact that I had spent so much money on her/him...It was because the dress he was wearing was bloody awful. It didn�t match his eyes for a start! I know what you are thinking, and I don�t blame you for calling me a fool. But like the old saying goes �You can�t crack a nut...until the cat drinks the milk� Which just about sums it up.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:14 am

Well, if it counts for anything, I always call my lads the most outlandish names at random times every two or three emails such as Exodopholis or Mr. Kibbles the Dog. But thats just me.

Elite Baiter Joined: 11 Jul 2007 Posts: 1979

When creating baiting profiles, I want to attract the lads, so I'm usually an ordinary looking, older, air-headed, affluent divorcee but even that sometimes manages to attract ITP's. I once baited one I thought was surely a lad. He was really upset when discovered he wasn't and I had to confess. Now to keep myself out of trouble, I try to add a 'poison pill' to my profile that I doubt the lads would understand even if they did read it.

Here's my latest. What I am looking for in a man:

Quote:

A suitable companion would incorporate the ambition of a multi-level marketer combined with the drive of a three toed sloth, the emotional stability of Nero, the compassion of Mussolini, and the intellect of a fruit fly. I prefer the exotic allure of West Africans.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:35 am

Quote:

Have you ever seen Curious George in real life, is it true he has no tale?

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 12 Feb 2008 Posts: 4

Heh.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:34 am

As good a place as any for this. If muscles can only contract and relax, how is it that you can stick out your tongue??

edited to add: I'll bet you tried it as soon as you read that.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:43 am

Quote:

If you have been eaten by a crocodile and are now dead, it is no excuse for bad manners.
You should still have Emailed me to let me know that you couldn't meet with me, you bastard...!!

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:45 am

In my original attempt to bump the lad off script, I wrote that I specifically didn't want my wife finding out about anything. In the next e-mail, the lad decided to tell me that ten percent of the dough was going to be set aside for me to take care of some kid I had to bring home with me Confused

This was the second fault I pointed out in last night's response:

Quote:

2) I WOULD NOT be able to take care of some random kid for you. As I told you in my previous e-mail, I DO NOT want my wife or financial adviser finding out about any other financial business I'm conducting at the moment. What were you thinking after I told you that? Did you think I could just bring some kid home to live with me and my wife wouldn't wonder what the hell is going on or where the damn kid came from?? Please, that is idiotic and you're wasting my time. Also, even if she was dumb enough not to notice a kid in the house, there still is the simple fact that I HATE KIDS.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:08 pm

I love quoting "scripture" to my lads ...

Quote:

Always remember Genesis 19:92

Jesus he knows me and he knows I'm right, I've been talking to Jesus all my life, and he's been telling me everything is going to be alright.

Thus endth the gospel according to Collins Wink

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:09 pm

From one of my earliest baits:

Quote:

Dear Bala,

Please accept my bumbling apologies for a delayed response. Work has kept me extremely busy recently and goddammit, I am here on a Saturday evening. I have many things to do at home and the most pressing chore is to clean and re-hang the beef curtains. My visitors have recently noticed a musty and vaguely fishy odour emanating from them so I need to attend to that pronto. ....

And:

Quote:

Mr Tomson,

Recently, Mr C0r0n3tta and I had long and rewarding debriefing and afterwards we discussed the matter at hand, or rather, was that part of the debriefing? In any case, I was complemented on how salubrious my beef curtains are (this discussion did occur at my home after a meal and some fine wine, port and Vignoble Grateaud). We have agreed the deal must go ahead for our mutual benefit and to better foster the Company's international relations.

I hope you actually took the time to read Mr C0r0n3tta's email. The matter that we are currently dealing with is, in fact, A LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT.

Now, we have both tried to contact you on the number you provided but neither of us had any success reaching you. Is it that your country's telephone service is so abysmal that we should resort to using carrier pigeons? Perhaps we will stick to email as that has proven more satisfactory thus far. If you really want to speak with Mr C0r0n3tta, I will advise you of when you should ring, and of the number you should dial.

Since your bank contact, The Reverend Dr. Mike C0mb0r0 is currently incognito, we are reluctant to send the second document (the Bank Questionnaire). However, as it is a matter of impotence, we advise you to ask Dr C0mb0r0 to get in contact again, from an email address that ACTUALLY WORKS.

In the meantime, I have taken the lavatory of attaching the completed questionnaire to this document and you are mistrusted to forward it to Dr C0mb0r0.

Lugubriously,

V3ron!ca F3ssacchi0n3

My good friend Bala Tomson was oblivious to the fact I was taking the mickey with most emails.

* Chortled heartily again Laughing

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:30 pm

During my first bait, I used this........ Embarassed

Quote:

My Dearest Princess,

I am so sorry to be so late in getting back to
you. My fathers business has been very busy these last few weeks. His
business is doing very well, now that dirt selling season is upon us
again. I work for my father. He has a large dirt farm in southern
Arizona. During this time of year, we harvest the dirt that we
cultivated last fall, and package it and sell it to countries that
have poor quality dirt for farming. Most of our business comes from
South America.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 12:40 pm

goofy stuff that I wrote?.... just read any of my posts.... i reread them and say to my self.... WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING/ON?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 2:45 pm

Quote:

I am offended that you would question my integrity. I am the very model of a modern major general. I have knowledge of animal, vegetable and mineral. I know the kings of England and recite the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical. Now lets get back to this transaction and stop wasting time.

Just today. Laughing

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 2:51 pm

Quote:

Mr. Collins:

That is awful!!!!! I was shocked to receive your letter about Dr. Komlan. I immediately ran to my local temple to light a candle to Ganook (God of Those Injured During Money Transfers) as I am sure you did as well! Please keep me updated on his status!! I could barely sleep last night worrying about him.

...completely forgot about this later and never mentioned my unusual characters unusual religion again. Lad didn't bat an eye.

Trophy Videos · Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 4:22 pm

I got a little slaphappy during this long running bait...but she bought it! Very Happy

Quote:

I've been delegated to inform all of Rev. Ima's close friends, relatives, and business associates of some very bad news concerning Ima. On her way back from town on church business on Monday morning, she had a serious motor vehicle accident. A witness to the accident told police she swerved to avoid hitting an armadillo walking across the road. Her car traveled across the left shoulder, slammed into a saguro, and overturned. The car immediately caught fire, and the good Samaritan rushed over to the car, and pulled her out, just before the whole car was engulfed in flames. Ima suffered burns to 30 percent of her body, and was knocked unconscious by the crash. She was airlifted by helicopter to the Arizona Burn Center at Maricopa Medical Center, where she remains in critical condition.
-----later.....
The position of Reverend Ima is lying down in bed, still.
She is, however, out of her coma, but has suffered some frontal lobe damage from the impact of her head against the side window of the car. She has short term memory loss. She can speak, but has lost her ability to speak in English.
She can speak in Yiddish, the language she learned as a little girl, as that part of her brain was not damaged and is part of her long term memory. It's very unusual, not not that uncommon according to the doctors. I do not speak Yiddish, nor does anyone else at the church, so communicating with her is rather difficult as you can imagine.

I am her direct secretary, and I can pass on any information you have for her, but I'm afraid you'll have to translate your message into Yiddish at your end if you want me to relay any message to her. I could take your Yiddish message to her in the hospital, have her reply in Yiddish, and send the message for you to translate again at your end. What else can I do?

Baiting Guru Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 18313

A few months ago my lad was talking sex to my very virginal, very ignorant, former-ministry-sister character. I misunderstood most of what he said and kept asking questions so he could teach me. After unsuccessfully trying to describe to me how a man enters a woman, he finally sent me some porn. (But the pictures weren't really traditional "entering") Rolling Eyes

I pretended that I thought the pictures were all of him and replied with this:

Quote:

Why is your penis so small in the pictures? I thought Kings had very large penises.

Also, in the pictures then man seems to be not entering the woman, or the woman is eating his penis with her teeth. I haven't known about chewing penises. Is that why the woman needs to drink water and be wet? Is p*ssy another word for teeth? Is this the painful part of sex that you mentioned? . . .

. . . I can't tell from the real pictures and they just hurt my feelings to see you taking the sex of another woman.

edited to add: He finally explained it as not chewing but a "sucking system". Months later, if I refer to it at all, I always call it "sucking system that is not penis chewing".

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 5:49 pm

^^^^^

Copy. Paste. Send email to Mrs. Jojobean. Laughing

Arrive home. Get slapped for sending to Mrs. Jojobean.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:31 pm

This is how I introduced my accountant character to a lad that I was invited to jointly bait.

Quote:

My esteemed client, has instructed me to contact your kind self hencewith and notwithstanding the present festive season recreational Gahumbarinse I have presently been engaged in for the last few heptaday periods.

This years Music Industry Accountants Society annual Gahumbarinse was held in Poughkeepsie where the aquatic fish are mostly wet and the ducks are seasonally population adjusted due to the high speed kinetics of plumbum-208. Such seasonal adjustment is of much interest to me a keen participant and the resulting roast dinners were much to be accoladed.

My client has informed me that circumstantially there is proposed monetary requirements as a result of forthcoming possible nuptial transactions, of which your kindself would appear to be the organizing personage. If you could kindly notify me henceforth of these issues upon prior receipt of this communication then we shall be able to direct this matter towards a mutually satisfactorily conclusion.

Awaiting your prompt non-verbosity by way of return to the above address.

As it turned out, this proved to be one of my more lucid emails in the bait... Laughing

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:37 pm

To a lad scamming as a US soldier in Iraq.

Quote:

Can you trust me? Can you fuck as like.
Send any money my way and I'll disappear over the hills with it whilst
you're out there getting shot at by retards in turbans.

Send me more details anyway. But do so realising that I'm a thieving
bastard who will steal every penny you send me.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 8:43 pm

^^You really have a way with words. Laughing

It's a gift.

So, did you get the details?

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:34 pm

Quote:

So if I send the right form to Wrong and give Right the wrong information everything will turn out right, right, or is it wrong? I'm confused.

Posted: Tue Feb 19, 2008 9:42 pm

This is the ONLY burn that I have ever written. I would have given anything to see this asshole's face when he read it.

Quote:

From Kuhm Belcher Fri May 26 11:26:30 2006

Hi "Mr. Kuku" or is it Achiu (that's your real name, right?),

I don't usually do this, but as long as you've figured this out, I will make an exception in your case.

First off, congrats for finally putting it all together. I was starting to think that you were retarded or something. Is it too late to ask for a postcard from Khartoum? Haha, just kidding. Save your money for the trip back. How is Khartoum by the way? I've never been there and I am really curious.

Second, you asked me why I did all this. I'll tell you why. It's mostly because I hate people that try to scam honest, hard working people out of their life savings. I hate, even more, people that are willing to steal from priests and from homeless refugees. That's right fool; I knew you were a scammer from your very first letter you sent last year. Can you believe it? That was 8 months ago. Wow. How time flies by.

I've got to say this though, you were quite the challenge. I get fools like you to travel all the time but it usually takes less than a month. There were times that I almost gave up on you.

How do you suppose Oney is doing? He is one of the monkies that you sent to Farchana, isn't he? Do you think that he is still alive or perhaps he is getting regularly ass-fucked by the barbarian horde in some prison in Darfur? It's a shame that you did not go with him and the other guy. I could have gotten three scammers at one time.

By the way, did you know that you are famous now? That's right Achiu, famous. For the last month or so, I have been sharing every email, every detail with thousands of other people like me that also enjoy messing with stupid little boys like you. We have all gotten a big kick watching this.

You even caused a bit of a stir too. A moral debate continued for days. Some thought that I was a little harsh on you. Personally, I think that you were lucky that it was only me on the other end of the computer or telephone. There are others out there far more talented at this than I am that could have gotten you to Antarctica by now, which, if I were you, is exactly where I would be headed. I cannot imagine that your family back in Lagos is too happy with you at the moment. Maybe when the boys eventually crawl out from whatever rock they are under, your family will let you go back to Lagos.

Well, cocktard, I've said just about all that I wanted to. When you get to Antarctica, be sure to stay bundled up. It gets pretty damn cold there you know. And if you find yourself a bit light on cash, give me call. I'll see if I can Western Union some money to you.

Blessings

Rev. Kuhm Belcher (also not my real name)

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