419Eater is my life
Joined: 20 Jun 2005
Location: North of the Border
Sat Apr 18, 2009 9:10 am
The following story is as it appears in the thread. The only things I've changed are upper/lower case (for narrative, not correction) and a few speechmarks. Repeated words at the end/beginning of threads have also been taken out. A few names have been used where appropriate. I am pretty sure everyone's contributions appear as written with the exception of Jill's first post on Page 2. BTW, we need a title for this epic tome.
Chapter The First.
I was skipping out in the garden one day when I heard a scream from next door. It was a blood-curdling, hair-stands-up-on-the-back-of-you-neck sound. It scared me so much I wet my pants. So I had to investigate and see what was behind that big door. The door wouldn't open. Although the door was stuck shut, I was able to gain entry to the home through the hole created when the cow fell from the sky. I climbed onto the roof and dropped down onto the floor. The only light in the room came from the hole in the roof. 'Twas impossible to discern what the noise was. In the dim light I thought I could see the outline of a Mod. I said:
"Get out, me and Ima are busy" said Razor.
"Doing what?!?!?!?!" asked Craig.
"Painting our toe nails, of course!" replied Chibuike.
The smell of acetone filled the air, and then suddenly...the creater of the "Song Title Thread" came barging in, Pointed an accusative finger at the hole in the roof and said....
"This is the evil doing of one Frederick Fokker, he swore that he would exact his revenge!" said Frank
"Anyway - how come you never repaired the roof?" enquired Yastreb.
"Because we are expecting more to drop in wearing tutu's and singing la bamba, while dancing around the room" exclaimed Sid
Then there was an awkward silence, and the first to speak was...
"Me!" shouted Ogg. "Oh bollocks , I've broken my silence".
He had not spoken in 37 years, and has broken his vow of silence. His first words of wisdom to the huddled masses were..."The haggis have escaped!" The assembled mob cried to the master..."It's dark here, why are we playing at night......mwahahahah".
"Its okay I have matches" said Sid.
"But I need a change of scenery" replied Yastreb.
Awakening from her dream she suddenly realised that all the Modswere playing cards in the toilet; she heard a cry of "Royal Flush!" followed by a collective groan. The groan was loudest from the royal throne.
"Phil, you've left the seat up again" lamented Elizabeth. "How many times must I...."
"This is terrible, you have to SET UP the next line, not supply the punchlines yourselves!" exclaimed Jill.
...and I thought, "I've seen this before. A never ending story, full of trolls and others that have come before us. Solomon wrote, "There is nothing new under the sun"...... but I decided to check anyway... I looked up through the hole in the roof. Wait! Is that a flying pig? I blinked my eyes real hard and realized it was really a flying goat, coming to break the news of a tribble accident involving a scammer and three guys named Charles Soludo.
I did not know if I really cared if they were dead or alive but hoped that they would meet their Waterloo on the Sagbama Expressway during the evening of April 21st while street racing their new dromedary camels adorned with fluffy dice and go faster stripes which would go hard on the straights, but problematic with cornering unless it trod on a tortoise to enhance drift potential, however not understanding differential time paradoxes a diminutive man appeared and handed me three phalic shaped candles and instructed me to put them where the sun doesn't shine. Therefore I went to the cellar and copiously searched for a convenient candelabrum in which to place three said candles. Looking in the dim light (again!) I was startled to see on the floor a box of Kleenex Tissues and a copper wok. 'Wok is this doing here?' I asked myself, expecting no reply. "I am not a wok. I am Xenu, and I have come for my faithful," the magic wok said knowing all too well that I feared scientologists like...........................'Yeh man. A talking Wok'. So off I went to tell it to the marines who formed up into triangular ranks and were sent on a tour of duty to the Playboy Mansion.
While en route to the mansion, the Captain exclaimed...'Be Bop A Loola, Be My Baby', 'Be Bop A Loola, I don't mean........maybe, just maybe I can get back to the house with no roof and finally discover if that damn wascally wabbit had yet to join the crazy squirrel at the bottom of the garden, mending the birdbath o that the crazy squirrel and rabbit can eat the bird's food while they are........
Thrice Of Chapters
Shakespeare reclined in his recently repaired bardbath and pondered what the squirrel and wabbit were going to eat for Easter brunch. They both decided to call Ghostbusters!! Who else could you possibly rely on in this time of financial uncertainty. Banks? Governments? No. Ghostbusters would be the only way to go. They called an got the answering machine saying ....
"You'r standing on the ranging stakes and my nipple tassels have fallen off, I'd better go and cover it up or Pachanga will give me a red-hot chili pepper CD collectors' edition to use as a frisbee for those times when cows rain from the sky".
"And a supply of ex-OSS exploding horse poo just doesn't help with my exeedingly large rash, which coincidentally is right beside my world-record sized ingrown toenail (confirmation from Guinness still pending) though I'm fairly certain that it'll be officially recognized, not in the last place because it's actually quite hard to listen to someone when somebody else is talking about being stredded in hash conditions deteriorated rapidly! 'Quick Snowy' bellowed the elephant, 'My mongoose has fell designs on the entire snake population of Ireland'. Snowy thought for a moment then turned to the Mongoose. 'Stupid arsehead', he spat, 'There are no snakes in Ireland, I know," the Mongoose said, "Thanks to me - you shouldn't listen to Snowy so much, he's a 'notta called-a Snowy for nothing' interupted Luigi, the Italian mahoot. 'He'sa gotta so much cocaine uppa his nose he thinks he's a small town in Peru "Is where I'm from' said Paddington, pushing yet another marmalade sandwich in the direction of the auctioneer who ran across the roof tops, making his final bid for freedom.
"$4000 going once, twice, sold," he said, "to be or not to be'. 'That is the question from the evil Yorkshire auctioneer eBay Gum.
Fail To Plan, Plan To Fail.