Anyone know how to look after a corpse?

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Trophy Videos · Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:51 am

Well, Gaz, this dead bait sure resurrected your baiting! Very Happy

"Dear lad, you don't know me and this email may come as a surprise to you, but..." Laughing

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:55 pm

Thanks for the laugh Gaz

I just read it at a timely moment because I was just about to write to my own Barrister about something else, so I took the liberty of using your script and tweaking it to suit my situation.

My barrister replies :-

Spot's Barrister wrote:

HELLO IT IS A PITY FOR WHAT HAPPEN TO YOU OVER THERE,?I WAS NOT HAPPY BUT LET TOLD YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW I WANT TO SEND A MEMO LETTER TO LOCAL COUNCIL IN YOUR AREA ON YOUR BEHALF BCOS YOU DONT NOW ANY THING ABOUT THE DEAD OF THE PERSON ,DONT WORRY KEEP YOUR MIND AS REST I M WORKING FOR YOU NOW,

So he wants to write to the Local Council on my behalf does he ? What's the betting I need to pay a fee first !

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:21 pm

nice one spot, if you need a 'local council' let me know, i work closely with government so i am familiar with their ways of slowing things.. Wink

I think the 'dead people in your house' idea is the new baiting trend for 2009?

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:31 pm

Thanks for the offer ghecko but I have already replied giving him the address of Super Sexy Secretary Tracey, who used to work at Bristol Zoo but has now got a job attachment at the Local Council ...... she's useless at her job but very good looking Wink

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 4:49 pm

Quote:

she's useless at her job..

As are the the people at the funeral directors, the western union office, my email provider, my electric company, my phone company my postman, my bank, and the local police. In fact, anyone who I rely on to make this deal run smoothly is surprisingly corrupt and incompitent! Laughing

Honestly, you'd think that someone was trying to make sure that barrister Williams never seen a penny of the money Im due to pay him Wink

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:29 pm

My Barrister is on the ball, he has already written to the Local Council on behalf of me.

Spot's Barrister wrote:

Hugh Maldonado
4543 South Rockwell Street
chicago, IL 60632

The Service Department
Local Council,Office

- Re-Lindsy Case Order From Chamber,

compliment of the season to you over there, i Barrister Hugh,Hereby affirm that my client MR lindsy doest not know any thing concerning the dead man met at his HOUSE it was coincidence that my client enter house and met the man laying on ground of his house with coffin i here by tender my appeal on his behalf to stop the case for me. after my invesgation i will get back to you.

Barrister Hugh

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 8:33 pm

^^ Spot, you got that for free, no charge? who ever said lads are lazy? he's a keeper. Wink

Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 11:36 pm

Quote:

I would not say that you should let this keep you off the job in hand of claiming the beneficiary amount of $22.8 USD

Possible stall tactic:

Turns out the death was ruled a homicide and you're under investigation for murder. Possession is 9/10ths of the law, the corpse is in your house, so you're guilty by association and now in jail. To get out, you just need two things: Bail money (you'll just have to use the WU money) and at least one 'person' vouching for your character.

None of your friends are forthcoming as they're all suspicious now. You'd be most appreciative if the lad would be kind enough to write a nice character reference to help obtain your release. (He needs you out....you can't send WU funds from jail.)

Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 5:09 pm

Oh-oh! It appears things have taken a turn for the worse!

Quote:

Dear Mr Williams,
Good afternoon to you. This whole kerfuffle with the dead fellow is becoming very frustrating indeed. I recieved the application for the exhumation permit and filled it in, but didnt realise I'd missed the last post of the week to the mainland. I drove down to the post office as quickly as I could, but things kept delaying my journey. First of all, some old man on a bike pulled out in front of me and I hit him with my car. Im sure he was ok though, as I seen him moving as I was driving away.

Then all those other things...traffic jams, roadworks, and I tell you Mr Williams, those so called "speed bumps" do nothing to help your journey, if anything they actually slow you down!

So, it looks like I wont be able to post the permit until Monday. Then, to make matters worse, I get home to find that I accidently left the heating on and that the dead fellow in my living roomis starting to decompose! Honestly Mr Williams, the smell around the coffin is really quite foul, and the lid is jammed open so I cant even close it over to hide his ghastly pale face, and his mouth fell open and because rigor mortis has set in I cant get it closed again, which is attracting flies! I think I got rid of most of them, but God forbid that they may have laid eggs inside his mouth! If theres one thing thats worse than a decomposing corpse in your living room for 6 weeks, its a decomposing corpse with a headfull of maggots!

So, needless to say, Mr Williams, I have been very busy and as of yet have not managed to get to the Western Union office. Im so very, very sorry but I promise that if no other unfortunate events take place (Edit: something tells me we wont be that lucky), I will get there and pay the money tomorrow. I think that the promise of $22.8m is the only thing thats keeping me going over this last few days!

Now, how will I get the money? Oh, and do you know any good brands of air freshener?

Regards,

Peter Andre
Honorary Grand Fellow of the C.L.I.T Programme

Lucky Ive got my barrister/corpse handling expert to hand, eh?

Quote:

Attn: PETER ANDRE
This whole situation with the dead man is very unfortunate and unbearable. have you contacted the police to tell them of this? You cannot keep the flesh of the dead in your house for weeks it
is disgusting and inhuman and you will be overrud with bugs in no time. You should wrap the head of the man in a garbage bag to stop the stench and the transfer of bugs. Laughing

The $22.8m USD will be wired into your account as soon as you have paid the fees for the lawyers office and should take no longer than 7 days then I sahll come over
to your country in order to continue my investment in your cities expeorts of SHEEP AND ROCKS (edit...well, he did ask what my locations main exports were lol)

Try and get to the WESTERN UNION office as possible in order to ensure the efficiency of our business.

Barrister Fr. Williams

This is getting a bit gruesome now Shocked

Not quite a Newb Joined: 04 Jun 2008 Posts: 74

While you are at it, shouldn't the local council ask for a copy of proof that he is a barrister, and as he is in a different country get him to fill in the 'Certificate of Incompetence to Practice Law in a Local Authority' form? Back to first principles, keep him busy and all that.

If you are short of money to pay his (expected) demurrage fees, perhaps he might have some ideas on how to make some money out of the corpse? Maybe even an example advert or two?

Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:07 pm

Congrats of thinking up the stiff modality.

Three of my characters are delaying at the payment stage and when all else possible has gone wrong an appearance of a corpse in the yard will drag it out for another week or two at least. Police investigation, C.S.I., coroner's hearing, funeral, bereaved relatives and reporters to deal with.

Another reason to pop in daily and read the threads.

I reckon the mods should award a tombstone for funniest thread and brilliant idea.

Twisted Evil

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

I hope the poor guy you hit doesn't trace you, stagger into your house to have a word about the damage to his bike and collapse dead on seeing the coffin/corpse!

Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:58 pm

This whole "dead guy in my living room" modality is destined for greatness.

I laugh every time I think about it. Laughing

Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 8:03 pm

"Bring out your dead!"

I see a custom tag coming.

Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 11:40 pm

My 'character' that communicates with scammers via the astral bridge from the Third Astral Plane of Marduk (and the Timestream Lab), would most definitely give thumbs down to the "air and bug spray" answer.

Except that the thumbs fall off when turned down. Dadgummed decay Twisted Evil

The answer to the question of how to care for a corpse: dry ice. That's what they're doing with the celebrated stiff in Nederland, CO. Lots dry ice. No need for air or bug spray that way Laughing

I scared the bejesus outta one Nigerian 419er when he started to think he was communicatin' widda stiff... what fun, what fun...

Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 6:47 am

This is hilarious!! I'm laughing so hard I almost choked on my coffee.

Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 8:50 am

His 'put the head in a garbage bag' tip is very helpful.

You don't think he has personal experience of what to do - do you ? Shocked

It reminds me of a classic film for those with a strong stomach - 'Bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia'.

Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 11:13 am

My next course of action is to accidently knock the coffin over while hoovering up the maggots that are now on the floor. Obviously, seeing that he's starting to decompose more, some body parts may now be a bit more...loose Laughing

It must be annoying my lad a bit by now, but as the funeral director said, there are rules to be adhered to, and who am I to stand in the way of bearuacracy? Laughing

Hello I'm New here! Joined: 24 Jan 2009 Posts: 1

Hello,

This is my first time posting and I'm intrigued by the by this due to a recent discovery of mine. I would like to know how Hugh Maldonado got into this? Ive recently come to hear of the name and address posted on this posting and would like to know his part in all of this.

Thank you.

Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:17 pm

Too bad you can't move the corpse. Then you could take him to the local butcher shop like Ben did with Locke on LOST. Laughing

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 11:38 pm

When things get loose, as you say, Gaz, I have a picture in my mind of the hand crawling itself across the floor like in "Evil Dead II." It moves across the room and goes into a hole in the wall, after trying to choke the life out of you. Laughing

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:11 am

im shaking my head Laughing

keep an eye out the window in case a goat turns up on the full moon

Just a thought if one does turn up he may get rid of the corpse for you as they will eat any thing puke

Trophy Videos · Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:17 am

You look all over for that dang crawling hand, but are unable to find it until the next day, when it pops out of your soup bowl! Just like the clam in the soup in The Three Stooges episode. Laughing

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 8:44 am

Brilliant !!

Seeing as your lad is so knowledgeable about the care for the dead, can't you ask him to take the corpse off your hands? I'm sure it's getting really creepy around your place now, and you just can't wait a minute longer for the council to get their act together. I know that you will be able to make it worth his while....... :lol

You can't eat, sleep, think (or go to the WU Office)while this is going on, and will not be able to anything until the situation is resolved

Posted: Sun Jan 25, 2009 11:53 am

Jockel wrote:

I would like to know how Hugh Maldonado got into this?

Hugh Maldonado is the name of a fictitious barrister made up by many scammers.

His name is often used in craigslist (fake cheque) scams as the person to send money to.

send me a Personal Message if you have had any dealings with him in "real life" and are concerned in anyway.

sorry for the thread jack /

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