Okay what? Ham and eggs, open bowels and the Pink Lighthouse

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Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 1:35 pm

This an ongoing Google chat bait with the Onion Lender loan lad.

A bit of back story, I'm an American currently in the UK to buy a nice pink lighthouse for £150k as a holiday home and need a loan.

Again, any spelling mistakes are purely deliberate on my part.

It starts off pretty boring but the wheels start to fall off towards the middle/end...

Quote:

10:44 AM union.lenders000: Hello!
10:46 AM Kelvin: HELLO. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
10:47 AM union.lenders000: Great
and you?
10:49 AM Kelvin: ARE YOU THERE SIRS?
7 minutes
10:56 AM union.lenders000: Are you there?
10:57 AM Kelvin: YES I AM. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
5 minutes
11:02 AM union.lenders000: Great
and you?
11:03 AM Kelvin: I'M FINE THANK YOU. ARE YOU BUSY OVER THERE?
11:04 AM union.lenders000: I'm attendy to other customer but I can still talk with you
11:05 AM The form you filled out you didn't include our requirement for the loan
11:06 AM Kelvin: OKAY. I'M JUST HAVING MY BRUCH. HAM AND EGGS. HAVE YOU EATEN YET TODAY? YOU SHOULD ALWAYS START THE DAY WITH AND EGG. IT KEEPS YOUR BOWELS OPEN.
11:08 AM union.lenders000: Thanks
11:09 AM The form you filled out you didn't include our requirement for the loan
11:12 AM Kelvin: WHAT REQUIREMENTS?
11:13 AM union.lenders000: Any scanned copy of the following:
(1) international passport
(2) work identity card
(3) national identity card
(4) State identity card
(5) Driver's Licence
11:14 AM Kelvin: OKAY. MY PASSPORT IS CURRENTLY OUT FOR RENEWAL. I SHOULD GET IT BACK SOON.
union.lenders000: I sent you an email today have you received it?
11:15 AM Kelvin: YES. I FILLED IT IN AS YOU ASKED. DID YOU GET MINE REPLY?
union.lenders000: Not yet?
11:20 AM Kelvin: IT WAS THE ONE WHERE I FILLED IN THE FORM AT THE BOTTOM WITH MY DETAILS.
11:22 AM union.lenders000: I'm yet to receive it
11:23 AM Kelvin: I'VE JUST RE-SENT IT. YOUSHOULD GET IT NOW.
11:24 AM union.lenders000: Here is the subject of the last email I sent to you:
TRANSFER OPTIONS (FILL AND RETURN)‏
Kelvin: HAVE YOU GOT IT?
I JUST RE-SENT THAT ONE DIDN'T I?
union.lenders000: Hold I trying to check it
11:25 AM Kelvin: OKAY. I'M JUST OFF TO MAKE A CUP OF TEA.
union.lenders000: Yes I just receive it
11:26 AM Kelvin: THAT'S GOOD. AT LEAST I KNOW MY COMPUTER IS WORKING.
union.lenders000: Sorry
11:27 AM is not the loan application
the mail I sent is for you to choose any payment option you want your funds to be wired to you.
11:28 AM Did you receive it?
11:29 AM Kelvin: OH THAT ONE. YES I DID. I WASN'T SURE WHICH OPTION TO CHOOSE. WHICH ONE WOULD YOU RECOMMEND FOR EASE OF RECEIVING MY LOAN?
11:30 AM union.lenders000: Bank wire transfer
(bank to bank)
11:31 AM Kelvin: RIGHT. A BIT OF A PROBLEM BECAUSE HOMELAND SECURITY FORBIDS GIVING BANK DETAILS OVER INTERNET DUE TO DRUG TRAFFIC AND MONEY LAUNDRY RULES.
11:34 AM union.lenders000: The loan amount you are requesting for is a huge amount of money
11:35 AM I would have advice you choose any other option but the amount can not be transfer va Western
11:36 AM or you will have to choose the 3 option Certified check( FedEx Courier)
11:37 AM But there is nothing wrong with bank to bank transfer
11:38 AM Because is the must secured option when transfering surch amount
11:39 AM Kelvin: OKAY. THE REASON IT IS A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY IS THAT I'M USING IT TO BUY A LIGHTHOUSE AND IT IS A HUGE BUILDING. BANK TO BANK IS OUT. FEDEX CHECK IS GOOD BUT IT NEEDS TO BE IN GREAT BRITISH POUNDS STARLING.
11:40 AM union.lenders000: Your funds in is GBP
Fill and return the form asap to get it started
11:41 AM Kelvin: THAT'S GOOD. WHAT FORM?
11:42 AM union.lenders000: The details of the shifting
I sent it to you ealier
the last email I sent to you
11:43 AM Kelvin: I GO WITH OPTION 3 :CHECK. MY DETAILS ARE THE SAME AS THE ONES ON THE FORM I JUST RE-SENT YOU. HOW LONG BEFORE I GET THE CHECK?
11:44 AM union.lenders000: It will take just 2 days to get to your door step
11:47 AM Kelvin: THAT MIGHT BE A PROBLEM, BECAUSE I AM IN A LIGHTHOUSE ON AN ISLAND AND DEPENDING ON THE TIDES IT MAY TAKE LONGER THAN THAT. CAN YOU ORGANISE BOAT DELIVERY?
union.lenders000: I'm yet to receive it
11:49 AM Kelvin: ARE YOU HAVING PROBLEMS WITH YOUR EMAIL, BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE RECEIVING MY MAILS. HAVE YOU CHECKED YOUR SPAM FOLDER?
union.lenders000: Yes
Kelvin: AND?
11:50 AM union.lenders000: Did you send it to [email protected]
?
11:51 AM Kelvin: YES. WAS THAT WRONG?
union.lenders000: No
We use to two hotmail domain that is reason I ask
11:52 AM [email protected]
or
[email protected]
Kelvin: IT WAS PROBABLY LOST IN THE SPAM FOLDER AMONGT THE VIAGRA AND PENIS EXTENSION EMAILS. I WILL RE-SEND IT NOW OKAY.
11:53 AM union.lenders000: One of the email is own by our Customer care service
[email protected]
This
Do send is to [email protected]
11:54 AM Kelvin: I JUST SENT IT TO THE NEW ADDRESS.
11:55 AM union.lenders000: Okay
Kelvin: LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU RECEIVE IT OKAY
11:57 AM union.lenders000: We are you sending the Identity card for us to verify that you are a citizen of UK?
I just received it now
Kelvin: I'M AMERICAN.
11:59 AM union.lenders000: are you currently in America now?
12:00 PM You sent the loan application form
12:01 PM Kelvin: NO. I'M IN UK INSPECTING THE LIGHTHOUSE PROPERTY THAT I NEED THE LOAN TO PURCHASE.
union.lenders000: You are ask to fill the opions you wish to receive the funds
Kelvin: OPTION 3
union.lenders000: Okay
Kelvin: OKAY WHAT?
12:02 PM union.lenders000: Fill it and return asap
12:06 PM Did you receive the my latest email?
I just sent it now
12:07 PM Kelvin: HANG ON. I WILL HAVE A LOOK SEE.
12:08 PM YES. I'VE GOT IT.
8 minutes
12:16 PM Kelvin: DETAILS JUST SENT.
7 minutes
12:24 PM union.lenders000: I have received it
Kelvin: OKAY. WHAT NOW?
12:27 PM union.lenders000: Hold we are on it
12:28 PM Transaction of your funds is in process hold we are working on it.
12:29 PM Kelvin: I'M HOLDING. HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO HOLD FOR BECAUSE I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET?
union.lenders000: TERMS AND CONDITIONS OF THE LOAN (CHOOSE FROM THE SECURITY OPTIONS)‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏
12:30 PM has just be sent to you
12:31 PM Have you received it?
12:34 PM Kelvin: CAN I SECURE THE LOAN AGAINST THE COLLATERAL VALUE OF THE PROPERTY I'M BUYING IE THE PINK LIGHTHOUSE?
12:36 PM union.lenders000: Sorry is not possible
12:38 PM Kelvin: BUT ONCE RESTORED THE LIGHTHOSE WILL BE WORTH £200,000 EXCLUDING FIXTURES AND LIGHT FITTINGS. WHAT ABOUT A FIXED FLOATING LOAN?
12:41 PM union.lenders000: Such collateral can not be use to secure a loan of £150,000.00.
12:43 PM Kelvin: I SEE THAT THE NON-COLLATERAL CHARGES ARE £1,250.00. HOW MUCH WOULD COLLATERAL CHARGES BE?
12:46 PM union.lenders000: The non-collateral charges is use in place of the collateral.
12:48 PM One thing about the this alternative option is that it is a Non-collateral/security obtained from banks here which is popularly known as bank securities
12:49 PM When you are unable to pay back the issuing Bank take the non-collateral which has yielded value as substitute for the loan.
So this is why we personally advise that our clients should simply go for the non collateral alternative when they do not have an equity based property to present as collateral

12:54 PM Kelvin: SORRY ABOUT THAT MY CONNECTION DROPPED. THE PROPERTY HAS A VERY GOOD YIELD IN THE LONG TERM RENTAL MARKET. GIVEN THE DOLLAR/POUND STARLING EXCHANGE RATE I MAY BE ABLE TO GROSS $20,000 NET PER ANNUM.
12:58 PM union.lenders000: Sorry?
12:59 PM Kelvin: DON'T BE.
union.lenders000: are you ready to go for the non-collateral option or not?
1:00 PM The Non-collateral/security popularly known as bank securities . The bank request of the loan amount.The non collateral charges of £150,000.00 is £1,520.00 GBP
1:01 PM Kelvin: CAN I NOT SECURE THE PROPERTY AGAINST THE LOAN/ IT IS EXTREMELY WELL BUILT WITH EXCELLENT VIEWS AND GOOD INVESTMENT POTENTIAL?
1:02 PM union.lenders000: Okay
Kelvin: OKAY WHAT?
union.lenders000: Do you have the document of the property?
1:03 PM Kelvin: NOT YET, I'M STILL IN PROCESS OF NEGOTIATION FOR IT.
1:05 PM union.lenders000: So how do you expect me to transfer the funds of £150,000.00 without any document to secure it.
That is absolutely inpossible
1:06 PM I advance you to go for the non-collateral option
is quite easy that way
Kelvin: OKAY
1:09 PM union.lenders000: as soon as the payment is made to the bank they will immediately approve your loan.
Kelvin: WHAT BANK?
1:10 PM union.lenders000: The payment of the non-collateral is made to the bank for secuity reasons to secure your loan
1:12 PM Kelvin: RIGHT.
1:14 PM union.lenders000: are you willing to go for the non-collateral options?
Kelvin: I THOUGHT THAT WAS CLEAR IN MY PREVIOUS REPLIES
1:16 PM union.lenders000: How soon are you making the payment to enable us draft a letter to the bank sequel to your loan offer
1:17 PM Do you need this funds urgent?
1:18 PM How soon are you making the payment to enable us draft a letter to the bank sequel to your loan
Do you need this funds urgent?
1:22 PM Kelvin: I DON'T NEED THE FUNDS TILL NEXT WEEK, ASSUMING THE VENDOR IS WILLING TO SELL AT THE PRICE.
1:23 PM union.lenders000: Okay
Kelvin: OKAY WHAT?
1:25 PM union.lenders000: I was thinking if we should start the shiftment of your funds immediately
1:26 PM I wanted to inform the CEO about it
1:27 PM So that the you can be giving the details to make the non-collateral fee
to our finance manager
1:31 PM Kelvin: WHAT DETAILS?
1:32 PM union.lenders000: I thought you said you don't need the funds till next week
1:33 PM What do you need the details for?
or change of plains
1:34 PM Do you now need the funds immediately?
1:36 PM Kelvin: YOU ASKED ME FOR MY DETAILS, NOT THE OTHERWAY ROUND. I'M CONFUSED.
1:38 PM union.lenders000: To proceed with this transaction you will need to make the collateral fee to our finance manager
Kelvin: WHO IS HE?
1:41 PM union.lenders000: He will be the one to transfer your loan funds to you
1:42 PM Kelvin: WHAT IS HIS NAME?
1:43 PM union.lenders000: Mr. John Cole
Kelvin: IS HE QUALIFIED?
1:44 PM union.lenders000: Yes
Kelvin: IN WHAT?
1:46 PM union.lenders000: He is the finance finanger
1:47 PM Kelvin: WHAT ARE HIS QUALIFICATIONS?
1:51 PM union.lenders000: He is qualified to be the finance manager, that is why he is the finance manager of the company. Okay?
1:52 PM Kelvin: DOES HE HAVE LETTERS AFTER HIS NAME? THAT IS VERY IMPOTENT WHEN YOU ARE AN ACCOUNTANT.
1:54 PM union.lenders000: He is not the accountant he is the finance manager
1:56 PM Kelvin: IS FINANCE DIFFERENT FROM ACCOUNTANTCY I THOUGHTONE WAS THE SAME AS THE OTHER OR VICE VERSA. HE MUST HAVE SOME QUALIFICATIONS, OTHERWISE HE IS A FRAUD AND YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE EMPLOYING HIM.

12:54 PM Kelvin: SORRY ABOUT THAT MY CONNECTION DROPPED. THE PROPERTY HAS A VERY GOOD YIELD IN THE LONG TERM RENTAL MARKET. GIVEN THE DOLLAR/POUND STARLING EXCHANGE RATE I MAY BE ABLE TO GROSS $20,000 NET PER ANNUM.
12:58 PM union.lenders000: Sorry?
12:59 PM Kelvin: DON'T BE.
union.lenders000: are you ready to go for the non-collateral option or not?
1:00 PM The Non-collateral/security popularly known as bank securities . The bank request of the loan amount.The non collateral charges of £150,000.00 is £1,520.00 GBP
1:01 PM Kelvin: CAN I NOT SECURE THE PROPERTY AGAINST THE LOAN/ IT IS EXTREMELY WELL BUILT WITH EXCELLENT VIEWS AND GOOD INVESTMENT POTENTIAL?
1:02 PM union.lenders000: Okay
Kelvin: OKAY WHAT?
union.lenders000: Do you have the document of the property?
1:03 PM Kelvin: NOT YET, I'M STILL IN PROCESS OF NEGOTIATION FOR IT.
1:05 PM union.lenders000: So how do you expect me to transfer the funds of £150,000.00 without any document to secure it.
That is absolutely inpossible
1:06 PM I advance you to go for the non-collateral option
is quite easy that way
Kelvin: OKAY
1:09 PM union.lenders000: as soon as the payment is made to the bank they will immediately approve your loan.
Kelvin: WHAT BANK?
1:10 PM union.lenders000: The payment of the non-collateral is made to the bank for secuity reasons to secure your loan
1:12 PM Kelvin: RIGHT.
1:14 PM union.lenders000: are you willing to go for the non-collateral options?
Kelvin: I THOUGHT THAT WAS CLEAR IN MY PREVIOUS REPLIES
1:16 PM union.lenders000: How soon are you making the payment to enable us draft a letter to the bank sequel to your loan offer
1:17 PM Do you need this funds urgent?
1:18 PM How soon are you making the payment to enable us draft a letter to the bank sequel to your loan
Do you need this funds urgent?
1:22 PM Kelvin: I DON'T NEED THE FUNDS TILL NEXT WEEK, ASSUMING THE VENDOR IS WILLING TO SELL AT THE PRICE.
1:23 PM union.lenders000: Okay
Kelvin: OKAY WHAT?
1:25 PM union.lenders000: I was thinking if we should start the shiftment of your funds immediately
1:26 PM I wanted to inform the CEO about it
1:27 PM So that the you can be giving the details to make the non-collateral fee
to our finance manager
1:31 PM Kelvin: WHAT DETAILS?
1:32 PM union.lenders000: I thought you said you don't need the funds till next week
1:33 PM What do you need the details for?
or change of plains
1:34 PM Do you now need the funds immediately?
1:36 PM Kelvin: YOU ASKED ME FOR MY DETAILS, NOT THE OTHERWAY ROUND. I'M CONFUSED.
1:38 PM union.lenders000: To proceed with this transaction you will need to make the collateral fee to our finance manager
Kelvin: WHO IS HE?
1:41 PM union.lenders000: He will be the one to transfer your loan funds to you
1:42 PM Kelvin: WHAT IS HIS NAME?
1:43 PM union.lenders000: Mr. John Cole
Kelvin: IS HE QUALIFIED?
1:44 PM union.lenders000: Yes
Kelvin: IN WHAT?
1:46 PM union.lenders000: He is the finance finanger
1:47 PM Kelvin: WHAT ARE HIS QUALIFICATIONS?
1:51 PM union.lenders000: He is qualified to be the finance manager, that is why he is the finance manager of the company. Okay?
1:52 PM Kelvin: DOES HE HAVE LETTERS AFTER HIS NAME? THAT IS VERY IMPOTENT WHEN YOU ARE AN ACCOUNTANT.
1:54 PM union.lenders000: He is not the accountant he is the finance manager
1:56 PM Kelvin: IS FINANCE DIFFERENT FROM ACCOUNTANTCY I THOUGHTONE WAS THE SAME AS THE OTHER OR VICE VERSA. HE MUST HAVE SOME QUALIFICATIONS, OTHERWISE HE IS A FRAUD AND YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T BE EMPLOYING HIM.

union.lenders000: He is a PHD holder
Kelvin: IS HE A DOCTOR? THEY USUALLY HAVE PHDS.
2:04 PM union.lenders000: he has a doctory degree and a PHD holder
He is the finance manager in our firm
2:05 PM He has been the finance manager in this firm for 3 years now.
2:06 PM Kelvin: THE REASON I ASK IS THAT BECAUSE I HAVE THIS NAGGING PAIN BEHIND MY LEFT KNEE AND WONDERED IF HE COULD OFFER SOME ADVICE, HIM BEING A DOCTORORY AND ALL THAT.
2:07 PM union.lenders000: sorry
Kelvin: SORRY WHAT?
2:08 PM union.lenders000: Sorry for your NAGGING PAIN
2:09 PM Kelvin: THANK YOU. A NAGGING PAIN IS A REAL PAIN. IF IT WAS IN MY BUTT I WOULD NOT BE HAPPY. DOES YOUR DOCTORATE KNOW OF ANY GOOD PAINKILLERS?
2:12 PM union.lenders000: I will give you update on i
cann't live my office now
2:14 PM Okay
2:15 PM have you gone for treatment?
2:16 PM Kelvin: THE PROBLEM IS THAT BECAUSE OF THIS PAIN MY KNEE LEG IT JERKS UP TOWARDS SKY INVOLUNTARY HORIZONTAL, A BIT LIKE GESTAPO ON PARADE AND IT CAN BE EMBARRASSING IN MIXED COMPANY WHEN SHOPPING IF YOU GET MY DRIFT.. ANY ADVICE FROM DOCTORATE MUCH APPRECIATED.
2:18 PM union.lenders000: Okay I will keep you posted
2:19 PM Kelvin: IS POSTING GOOD FOR A SORE KNEE?
2:20 PM union.lenders000: I mean I will update you after confirming it from the finance manager
2:21 PM he is busy right now
2:22 PM Kelvin: RIGHT. GET HIM TO GOOGLE CHAT ME SO WE CAN DISCUSS MATTERS.
2:23 PM union.lenders000: he has client of que to attend to
2:25 PM please I have to stop here because it getting beyond business transaction
Kelvin: WHEN THE Q GOES DOWN GET HIM TO CHAT ME. I CAN WAIT.
union.lenders000: please I have to stop here because it getting beyond business transaction.

Posted: Sat Sep 06, 2008 2:28 pm

<br>Next day...

Quote:

1:00 PM union.lenders000: Yes
1:02 PM Kelvin: HOW IS BUSINESS TODAY? i'M JUST HAVING MY LUNCH.
6 minutes
1:09 PM Kelvin: I'M HAVING CHEESE AND PICKLE SANDWHICH. DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?
22 minutes
1:31 PM union.lenders000: Do you want to continue with this transaction?
1:35 PM Kelvin: BUT OF COURSE. I'M JUST FINISHING MY SANDWHICH. HAVE YOU HAD YOUR LUNCH YET?
1:36 PM union.lenders000: Do you want to continue with this transaction?
Kelvin: YOU ALREADY TYPED THAT?
1:37 PM union.lenders000: I need an anwser to that.
1:39 PM Kelvin: YOU DIDN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION, SO WHY SHOULD I ANSWER YOURS. YOU HAVE TO BE PATIENT AND OBSERVE THE NICETIES IN BUSINESS YOU KNOW.
9 minutes
1:48 PM Kelvin: ARE YOU THERE/ IT IS NOT VERY PROFESSIONAL NOT TO ANSWER.
1:49 PM union.lenders000: I have many client on line
1:50 PM I'm here for businees I guess you know that?
1:51 PM Kelvin: BUT IN BUSINESS YOU HAVE TO MAKE SMALL TALK. IT IS ONLY POLITE. WHY DO YOU NEVER ANSWER ANY OF MY QUESTIONS?
1:52 PM union.lenders000: Sory about that I have so many client on que to attend to
1:54 PM Kelvin: I THOUGHT YOUR FINANCE DIRECTOR WAS DEALING WITH THE Q YESTERDAY?
1:55 PM union.lenders000: Sir please do you wish to continue?
1:56 PM Kelvin: NOT UNTIL YOU START WITH THE NICE CITIES I DON'T. YOU ARE DOING IT AGAIN COMPLETELY IGNORING MY QUESTIONS. WHY IS THAT?
6 minutes
2:03 PM Kelvin: SEE. YOU ARE IGNORING ME AGAIN.
28 minutes
2:32 PM Kelvin: WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
union.lenders000: Sir what do you want?
2:34 PM Kelvin: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT DO I WANT/ YOU JUMP OUT OF A CONVERSATION WITHOUT A BY YOUR LEAVE? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?
2:37 PM SEE. YOU ARE DOING IT AGAIN. YOU ARE NO BUSINESSMAN YOU ARE JUST A FOOL PLAYING AT IT. LEAVE IT TO THE MEN.
2:39 PM union.lenders000: Sir I'm just an accoutant in this organisaction
Okay?
2:41 PM Kelvin: OKAY WHAT? YOU STILL DON'T SEEM TO ANSWER ANY OF MY QUESTIONS. WHY IS THAT?
union.lenders000: What Question?
2:42 PM Kelvin: THE ONES I ASKED YOU AT THE BEGINNING.

And with that he was gone.

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