Shorty - goes pervy - my bad influence ?

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Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:02 am

I couldn't get whisked off to Cotonou without one last (somehow I don't think it will be) call to Shorty and it was just over 30 minutes. I had to stop it soon afterwards as that's the maximum my software will record for. Very Happy

Shorty even did a prayer for me over the phone. He's ready to get hooked into P0pz and Dmitri, so the game continues - to Cotonou. He tells me his real name is Peter. I'm losing count of all his real names. Laughing

He burbled something about a poultry farm which I must replay. I think he was a chicken farmer or something, and he tells me his pal who got shot in Cotonou and was transferred to hospital in South Africa died.

His cars bust, he gave away his laptop, he's broke, his pal got shot, he's on the run from the police, he's got malaria and a headache but he still has Ludmi||a (me). So that's not so bad. Laughing

If I can find a host to carry this sound file (it's big) - I will. he's sure that XXXXXX offered a counter bribe to the army. Laughing

Shorty is great. He asked me my age and when I got that wrong he overlooked it - or I lied my way out of it.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:37 am

If a further Russian crime angle is desired, may I offer the services of , a dyedushka (grandfather, or senior member) of a Moscow crime syndicate, as featured in D0g D1ne's cheque lad bait?

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:58 am

Kind offer Yastreb but it's reached a stage where I feel I'm inside Shorty's brain operating him like one of those loaders from Alien II and I already have the Russian characters in my repetoire of voices, though I admit that they are very unconvincing.

I think it's now reached the stage where he is in love with the drama and excitement of the story and, as long as I don't make my demands too great, he'll cling on just to keep it going.

With two new characters on the scene I can play the virgin/slut aspect to gut wrenching perfection and Shorty's brains will be liquidised, and fill a thimble. If you noticed I put in my e-mail that Popz will consider that they are engaged to be married, and I'll play that without mercy.

A headache will be the least of his worries. I think I better get this all down on a spreadsheet so I don't make any more slip ups over things like Ludmi||a's age. . Embarassed

This is the call - I titled it 'The Long Goodbye' Laughing

but really it's only 'au revoir'.

http://www.hotshare.net/audio/82235-8669523b3f.html

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 11:49 am

I think Ludmi||a will find time to escape out to an intenet cafe from the bordello where she'll be working in Cotonou's red light area from time to time, otherwise I'd miss gems like this.

Now I know what better what he was talking about when he mentioned his chicken farm. LOL_sign

. Don't blame me - I didn't do it. Shocked

Where's the sig icon for destroying a chicken farm Laughing

If it was napalmed I bet it was the army. Shorty's a star - one of those exploding ones.

Quote:

Dear Love,

Thanks for keeping me update. Well, i still manage to crawl out, (just like Gollum eh ?) to check your mail.
But am yet to hear from your Popz (I say something stupid and he copies me - I love it Very Happy

) and your agent! But i hope they are yet to check their mails.

So do all i asked you to do ok? because now, am left with nothing (really ?) and remember i told you my Guy (Joe) gave up earlier this morning and the news was broken to me around 3:15am this morning. (He's the one he claimed was shot on safari in Cotonou)
I was very sad and i and my crew had been indoor,gathered when your call came through. My Agro Base farming where i rearing chicken and other animals was set ablazed overnight and we do not know who is actual behinde all these evils! (Chicken McNuggets all round then ? Laughing

After setting up two raids now I expect he has a few enemies, I bet it was Mr G0mer)

I got over 5,000 Layers in the Poultry and over 10,000 Eggs in the Hatchery. But all i know is that God is in control of everything. (God is a poultry farmer ?)
I will keep checking my mail to confirm if your Popz or any of your relatives had written me. You ve' really made me loved you and this time, am gonna do anything to assist your Dad' if he is ready to come down to Nigeria, so we could find away of searching for you. (As you ask so nicely I'll arrange another safari then Very Happy

)

Do not hesitate to do all i told you on the phone conversation if incase they wanna take you out of the house ok? Because this action will also help you! An with this, people living around te Environs could come to your Aid. Kept praying for you and nothing will happen to you, we are gonna meet eachother in good condtion, ok?

Warmest Regards,

Bruce (PETER)

Love you so much. Muah............ Muah.......... Muah............., thats the sound of my kiss! (YUCK YUCK YUCK...that's the sound of me being ill puke

)

He mentions the chicken farm in the phone call, but I couldn't connect what a chicken farm had to to do with Ludmi||a's predicament. That must have been it.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:21 pm

Quote:

Where's the sig icon for destroying a chicken farm

Oh no, there'll be protests from the vegetablists...

Muah............ Muah.......... Muah............

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:32 pm

Needless to say I cannot verify chicken farm arson, though I believe it's quite a rare phenomenon.

It could all be a product of the fever wracking Shorty's brain during his alleged malaria attack.

I only report it as it just paints a picture of wild comedy, as good as any Buster Keaton movie. Whatever has happened is due to the interraction of 3 criminal scam gangs, and yes, once started anything can happen - but it may also just be the product of Shorty's wild imagination where lying is just a tool of his trade.

After all - he has always told Mr G0mer and Ludmi||a that he is a student at UNILAG. Maybe you can be both - who knows ?

Whatever the truth - it's a hilarious tale, and anyone taking the matter seriously will just make me laugh harder.

If I had any confirmation I'd ask for a chicken house/coop or whatever they live in, in my siggy line, but that won't happen. I may peek in the Nigerian Sun newspaper though. Laughing

Not quite a Newb Joined: 02 Mar 2008 Posts: 57

^^

This is one awesome bait - Gomer, I'm in awe.

Quote:

i told you my Guy (Joe) gave up earlier this morning

Not to sound completely insensitive or something, but what did he give up? Smoking?

Wannabe Baiter Joined: 12 Jun 2007 Posts: 95

I love how even near death with malaria, he can be propped up in a chair at the cafe and find the strength to type.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:25 pm

I didn't have a clue what he meant by layers in his conversation, but then I was hardly expecting to be told about poultry farms either. Shocked

When a Lad mentions layers, I think levels, as in barrister or bank in their scam mails, as they refer to them as levels. I didn't expect to be discussing bleedin' chickens this morning.

Oh - and he did say other animals, didn't he ? - but I won't even go there. It's gotta be goats.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:03 pm

This just keeps getting better and better - more and more bizarre. Laughing

I wonder what Shorty can come up with next.

Either he is on drugs, he has an overactive imagination, or he has some really bad karma. Very Happy

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:38 pm

By layers he meant chickens that can, or do, lay eggs I think.
However he did commit the cardinal sin of counting the eggs before they hatched, hence the whole shebang being burnt down, his own bloody fault.

He should come and meet up with Stanley or Dan, they could start their own branch of Mensa.

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:03 pm

As my late Dad would have said, Shorty no longer 'has a pot to piffle in' so a safari without crossing borders would almost make me humanitarian (don't worry I won't ask for that sig icon) and with the Benin/Benin City thing that would make sense. In Shorty's mind anything makes sense.

It's also new country for him to see and I think he hails from somewhere round there, and he'll look on a trip to Cotonou like a death sentence after he claims his pal Joe got shot there and died today - may his scam formats rest in peace.

I'll send a quick desperate mail out to Shorty and gettng him looking that way.

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:31 am

I was a little worried that I may have lost Shorty, even though Popz Very Happy

(Ludmilla's dad) had sent him an e-mail, but no need to worry, Shorty was compiling an epic to explain everything to him.

I love this, and believe it to be something close to the truth, and also adds some detail we didn't know about the arrests.

So it's game on, still Twisted Evil

Quote:

Dear Sir,

Am very glad to hear from you and i must thank for taken good time writting me.
Well, Luddy's case had been a very terrible one and already, i ve' spent much on her case try to safe her and all i got is misfortune from people! So I hear Very Happy

Luddy had been veryu nice to meet anyway, since met eachother. He met her ? Shocked

She seems to be a very understanding girl.
some weeks back went Mr G0mer brought her to Lagos Nigeria Via Virgin Nigeria Airways, she gave me the flight Details and i was at the airpot with some security officials but still, the stupid crook escaped with her. I heard she was held in an unknown place, she gave me an address to go and meet one Mr. OXXXXX OXXXXXX who works at the International Airport. She told me that was the man who was ijn possession of her luggage since she wouldn't want Mr G0mer discover it. She told me that said to her that i should to pick the luggage in is house at the given address, i was there at the first day, i met with the man and the claimed he was Mr. OXXXXXX, but later we began to discuss, few minutes later, he changed his mind and claimed he is not Mr. OXXXXX.

Then, i started wondering whats wondering, Your mind was wondering Very Happy

so i leave the place that day and decided to back there with my colleagues in a couple of days time. He came and told luddy via the e-mail a what had happened when i visited Mr OXXXXX's house and she replied, telling me to go back to him that she had contacted him and the man said he had been waiting for me at home.
Again, i and my friends went back there and meet him for the second time but this time, he denied again and he later told us to wait that he is going to call his elder brother and the neighbours in the compound made us understand that, he is the real OXXXXX and that he worked at International Airport.

So on is he return, he came with his Elder sister and some Policemen, so we were all arrested and all they told the policemen was that i and my crew and come to rob them of their valuables. They claimed we and asking them to pay us 100,000 in our currency!
I and my crew was locked up for 3 good days and they have bribed the police officers incharge and all our cellphones was seized from us and we could not reach any of our families! They wanted to charge us to court but later we are fined an huge amount of money and they me made signed an UNDERTAKEN unbehalf of others that we will never come near their premises! That got me three badges with the back up of independent corroboration, so I know it was 3 arrests

When we were locked up, Luddy was with them in their house but she didn't know whats had been happening to me but later i email her to let her know and she told me she had located Mr OXXXXX and she was with him and his family in their house.
I later confirmed that she had been take n to places and they kept lying to her that she was in Nothern Nigeria.
God so kind, she go informations about the last place they took her to, then she gave me the businesscard, i arranged with the Nigeria Army and they requested huge amount of money which i have given to them to and arranged their arrest and safe her. Just the Navy and Airforce to go now and he'll have a full set Laughing

They go to the place before the day of the arrest and they went there with the picture of the criminals which i told Luddy to get for me and the Man who arrested me and my crew was right there in the picture. I made the picture available to the Army as an Evidence. They got there and they find them in the house, instead of arrest them, the criminals bribed the Army and they collected the bribe from them. and also had driks together and and they left the place without any mission accomplished and they later come back and tell me that they met the men and they told them Luddy had been away to Paris since 3 days ago.

I asked them why did they arrest the men, they started laughing and saying all sorts mockering words! I cry to hear that you suffered abuse too

Well, all you have to do is to come to Nigeria sir! Thats the only way things could work out. We lay the complain at your country's Embassy here and the Federal Govt So you're missing out the Navy and Airforce and going for gold Shocked

will take urgent response to the case and with 48hrs they will fished them out!

Arranged how you would be here and i shall be meet you at the airport and we go do necessary things to make sure luddy is save and the crooks shall be brought to justice.

Sir, kindly get back to me asap and hope Luddy had sent you my Photo anyway.

Warmest Regards,

Peter.

How cute is that ? Very Happy

He loves keeping notes of minute detail. I'm surprised he didn't repeat how many rooms were in the duplex he had the army raid, as that is all he rabbited on about to Ludmi||a. However, it is great that he adds more detail to the arrests. As Popz doesn't know all that's happened I'll see if I can get even more detail out of him, especially 'Big Joe' who supposedly got shot in Cotonou, who has mysteriously dropped out of his story.

he's a baiter's dream as he not only suggests great scenarios himself, he will involve any branch of the police or armed forces in his schemes and then relates it all back to me in minute detail.

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 12:46 pm

I'm laughing so hard I can't see. That was fantastic Gomer. There are so many great lines in that email.

Shorty is so perfect. Mental, but perfect.

clapping

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:24 pm

Oh my God... Laughing

You know Hollywood is hurting for scripts...I'm thinking "Shorty-A Moron's Journey Toward Enlightenment"

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jan 2007 Posts: 2922

When Ludim1ll4 dumps his ass can you call him up and play this!!! Twisted Evil

Please...

Linky NOT suitable for work.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Gomer, do you think that you could have Shorty go by Dan's house and take some pics? You might want to tell him that per the information you have the resident of the house has information regarding his darling Ludmi!!a, and you want him to do some recon work. Naturally he must stay well hidden when taking these pics.

I can't think of anything that would freak Dan out more at this point than some surveliance pics of his house, forward to him by the ever helpful Agent Cl3tus.

If you need Dan's address let me know.

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:37 pm

@Jayhawk

I was a little worried as I couldn't find a Russian Consulate in Benin City - just the main Embassy in Lagos and an office in Abuja but the task (play the Mission Impossible theme) is right up Shorty's street.

He has the tactical genius of Rommel, the daring of Hannibal, the attention to detail of Leonardo da Vinci, the comic genius of Charlie Chaplin and the intelligence of a guppy.

This is going to appeal to his boy scout abilities and I'll think about bringing in the Speznatz due to the failure of local forces, but I need to be careful not to take this too far - but I think I can do it.

I'll pm for the address and get the ball (idiot) rolling. Of course this mission will be Top secret and I'll pass on when he's going to be on station. Pssssst - he's very short - so aim low is my advice. For that reason, he usually takes his scout troop with him.

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:50 pm

Although I would have loved to see Shorty try to explain all of this to the Russians, having him pester Dan is just as good Laughing

Shorty shouldn't have any problems. Dan has less intelligence than a puppy.

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:42 pm

@ Gomer - Any idea how much longer it will take to get this lad off script? Laughing

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:00 pm

I propose a special,one time flaming chicken icon,in honor of such inspired work!

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:46 pm

There's something strange about Shorty. Very Happy

His brain goes through a detailed process when analysing a problem and he will rationalise anything that he doesn't understand, even if it's ridiculous, and in spite of that analysis it appears to blind him to the overall stupidity of what he's discovering.

Everthing Shorty tells me is inadvertently hilarious, Maybe we can get Dan and Shorty transformed into one properly functioning human being.

Arson on a chicken farm Shocked

it could only happen to Shorty.

Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 12:08 am

He doesn't apply to Occam's razor. He is pure chaos.

You're right Gomer, there is no Russian Embassy in Benin City. In Abuja there is the European Community House at 63 Usuma St, which serves the diplomatic needs of Euro citizens. I have no idea where he's going to get Russian soldiers.

If you do want to know where the French Foreign Legion is currently, I can make a few calls? Wink

They'd sort shorty out.

Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:37 am

I managed to get some info on the Nigerian Army courtesy of Jane's World Armies. Here are some highlights:

Quote:

While there has been much improvement with regards to training and performance in the wake of international peacekeeping deployments to Liberia and Sierra Leone, overall, the army remains under-trained and under-equipped to meet its internal and external security needs and commitments. There is a lack of realistic training of both officers and NCOs, a serious lack of discipline in many units and weakness in technical areas. Technical standards are not high and large amounts of equipment are almost certainly unserviceable due to sheer inefficiency, lack of trade training and the theft of spares. As a result, more often than not, soldiers are deployed without sufficient supplies of even the most fundamental equipment, namely weaponry and ammunition.

Quote:

Nigerian Army soldiers in the southwest city of Akure took to the streets on 4 July 2008 to protest about underpayment for their recent peacekeeping tour of duty in Liberia. Soldiers barricaded a major road for several hours and lit bonfires near their barracks to demand the full US$7,368 they were expected to net from serving for six months as part of the UN Mission in Liberia (UNMIL). Army spokesman Brigadier General Emeka Onwuamaegbu blamed the salary problem on the armed forces' finance department and said it would be rectified shortly, but warned that those soldiers involved in the rioting could face a court martial for their "unprofessional conduct". Nigerian soldiers involved in peacekeeping have routinely complained of being short-changed, but the Akure demonstration was the first time they had taken to the streets to voice their disapproval.

Quote:

[According] to an audit conducted in 2002 by the private security assistance firm, Military Professionals Resource Incorporated (MPRI), "78% of the army equipment is non-operational. The training of the troops had been virtually halted". Insufficient training of both army officers and NCOs persists, as does a lack of discipline in many units and overall low technical standards throughout the force. Some military exercises have been resurrected but the majority of the training army personnel receive continues to come from peacekeeping operations. It is believed that large amounts of equipment remain unserviceable due to inefficiency and a lack of trade training.

And here's the unit Shorty would have got his troops from:

Quote:

The 81st Division is the newest of Nigerian Army formations. It was formed on 26 May 2002 and replaces the Lagos Garrison Command (LGC), which has been subsumed under the new formation, following restructuring of the army since 1999. The 81st Division has operational responsibility to defend part of the south-western frontier against any external threat or aggression. The division continues to provide security for Lagos and its environs against internal and external aggression, in view of the relocation of the Headquarters of the MoD and Army HQ to Abuja.

Baiting Guru Joined: 07 Jul 2006 Posts: 5727

Maybe you should get a photo of Shorty posing like Napoleon. Very Happy

Is Shorty heading to Dan's to take some surveillance photos yet?

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