Gloria's really not fussy who spends her money ...

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Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 11:46 am

Thought id' have a quick play with this one a while back ...

Usual intro letter:

I'm a dying widow blah blah blah, loads of money to donate to the church blah blah blah,

Fr J hits back:

Quote:

My dear and most chased Gloria, I pray god sees fit to spare you the pain and suffering you are going through.

You trooper you, to think of others at your most darkest hour of need is most admirable, if not bordering on clinically insane.

Pray tell what assistance can an old windbag like me offer you in your months(s) of need ? I really need the browny points with him upstairs after the tabernacle incident, so am willing to devote whatever resources a brave lass like you requires.

I shall pray for you while I await your wishes, In the name of the father and the son and the holy goat, amen.

Bucket-kicker has a list of requirements:

Quote:

Thus, I would need you to get back to me on the following issues,
(1) That you are in a position to be trusted as a God fearing person with such a large amount of fund and dispatched it to charity 0rganization of your choice or set up one in my name.

(2) That you ready to dispatch the remaining funds to charity organizations.
after deducting you percentage.

(3) That you are willing to contact the security company to discuss the terms of releasing the funds.

(4) That you fully understand this transaction up to this stage and you are ready to proceed under these terms.

(5) That you will keep this trust I have in you confidential pending when you have funds in your possession to distribute.

Fr J is eager to win her trust:

Quote:

So without further ado let me introduce my written acceptance of your afore mentioned conditions;

1. I am a god fearing person, I'd be kinda in the wrong job if I wasn't don't ya know, and you can fully entrust me with all your delicious money, I would never think of fleecing you of every cent.

2. After taking my percentage, in the form of a 60ft speedboat with appropriate serving wenches, I promise to distribute the remaining money to any charity I can think up.

3. I will, upon contact by them, make further and speedy contact with said security company of whom I have no prior knowledge of but I am sure if they are recommended by your good self will be trustworthy to both of us and be of the highest standing.

4.I fully understand everything that has been mentioned so far, but cannot confirm I will understand everything that may be said in the future, I ain't Nostradamus.

5. No-one and I repeat no-one will know of our transaction until I have my beautiful boat and my first STD.

Always remember Genesis 19:92

Jesus he knows me and he knows I'm right, I've been talking to Jesus all my life and he's been telling me everything is going to be alright.

Good old Phil Collins, never lets me down, the deals clinched Laughing

:

Quote:

Dearest Brother in Christ,

Thanks for your response and readiness to help me in this project. I want to assure you that I trust you from my heart now

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:08 pm

Now the good Fr has to introduce himself to the security company, lazy shites but hey ..

Quote:

Tumultuous greetings from the US of A from a humble servant in Christ. This message is sent out to (name and references removed) A prompt response from yourselves would be most appreciated as we are not sure how long the old lady will hold out before being embraced by our saviour and his most holy army of the righteous, and the not so righteous but who at least tried.

If this is all that's needed I will now tend my flock, it's ladies night, oh what a night.

Look after yourselves, and each other. Giggidy et dominus Giggidy

Nothing, nada has Fr J pushed it too far, do lads listen to cheesy 70's disco music while watching Family Guy ? ... Rolling Eyes

Time to see if the old birds still interested or bunking down with the security company lads at a reputable, but strangely never so local, SSC, they'll take anyone at those places Shocked

Quote:

My sweet Gloria, I hope this email finds you well as I have not heard from you or the security company since I last contacted you both. I only pray the lord has not punched your card already.

I couldn't fax them as we don't fax at the church all that wailing tends to upset the parishioners actually I prefer the intimacy of writing, so If you feel you need to write me you can contact me at:

Father J0n Pick1e
St Aubrey-by-the-wold
1329 Feckless Road
Wilmington DE

My dear If you are still of this world, please write back so I can at least update the parish good causes grant ledger. We use the good causes fund to help the underprivileged of the world for things like business start-up funding and medicine runs, basically for those that either haven't got a clue or a snowballs chance in hell, I think it makes the uber-rich folk of this parish feel justified in having three cars, breast enlargements and the local Latino "maid" service on call for the discerning gent and I hear the pool parties are great fun, it brings all the community together and swap car keys, for some reason.

Anyhoo I must dash my love theres a baptism due imminently and I hear the grandparents are a tad incontinent so best not keep them waiting as we've just had the carpet cleaned.

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:44 pm

You have a lovely turn of phrase, TD

Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:42 pm

^^ why ty

my coffin-dodger seems confused:

Quote:

Dear Beloved,

I am most grateful for your mail, I have been very ill for some couple of days now, I dont know why the security company have not replied you, maybe they are still processing everything

More like they don't know which part of the script they are up to Rolling Eyes

Hang on, surprise, I have mail:

Quote:

Your email was received and we have your original certificate of deposit,along with your full personal details and document,With all due respect,we congratulate you,as your consignments have been cleared and approved for delivery by the management

hmm but they want me contact yet another firm and arrange payment for delivery Shocked

can't a man of the cloth de-fraud a speedboat without all this hassle, Fr J's not impressed:

Quote:

Gentlewomen,
I have been passed from pillar to lightly greased post trying to help a dear friend of mine, I have much more valuable things to do with my time, do you thing church collections get pilfered all by themselves ? This woman has the icy hands of death at her throat, though I can't fault her typing skills, and you seem to care not, you sirs are unprofessional cretins, I will most certainly not contact anyone else. If you people cannot be bothered to contact me to complete a simple task as to forwrd me lots of her lovely money without having to chase people day and night then I withdraw forthwith, and no amount of bishop bashing will change my mind, may god wither your gonads, good day ! oh and peace be with you.

Now with their incompetance and my delaying tactics I'm trying to see how long I can keep old Gloria alive, she only had three months to live five months ago and she can't die until i've coughed up and everythings finalised, but the good father might suffer an untimely accident with a vacuum Twisted Evil

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