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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Lawyers in an Edson law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.
It was their favorite moment of the week.
Then, one of the lawyers was transferred to an office in another city.
It wasn't quite the same without him.

A new woman lawyer joined their law firm.
One day, she overheard the remaining three talking about their golf round at the coffee table.
Curious, she spoke up,
"You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good.
Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

The three lawyers looked at each other. They were hesitant.
Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.
Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.
He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her immediately.
The woman said this might be a problem, and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes late.
They rolled their eyes, but said this would be okay.
She smiled and said, "Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up beating all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round.
The guys were impressed!
Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and, happily, invited her back the next week.

She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning.
Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round,
despite playing with her off-hand.
By now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed.

They couldn't figure her out.
She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up,
but each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!

In the third week, they all had their game faces on.
But this week, she was 15 minutes late!
This had the guys irritable, because each was determined to beat her.
As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part.
Finally, she showed up.
This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing,
since she narrowly beat all three of them.

However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play,
it was hard to hold a grudge against her.
This woman was a riddle no one could figure out!

Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability.
They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up.
Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer.
He asked her point blank,
"How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned.
She said, "That's easy. When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.
I have always had fun switching back and forth.
Then, when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.
If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed;
if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.

All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical."
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,
"But what if it's pointed straight up in the air?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late"..

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.
"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:
Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Nov 20, 2010 8:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an SOUTH AFRICAN REVENUE SERVICES badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a SARS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***


The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***


The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***


He is turned into a tampon.



And, the moral of the story:


If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi all servedas chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs,
went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to
him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went
out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted
nothing to d o with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another
and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like
you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a
body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:38 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered.

The salesman asked if his father was at home.
Little Johnny: "Yes."

The salesman: "Well, can I see him please?"
Little Johnny: "No, he is in the shower."

The Salesman asked if his mother was at home.
Little Johnny: "Yes."

The Salesman: "Well can I see her?"
Little Johnny: "No, she's in the shower too.."

The Salesman: "Do you think they will be out soon?"
Little Johnny: "No."

The salesman asked why.
Little Johnny: "Well, when my dad asked me for the vaseline I gave him some super glue instead."

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:43 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of those 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied, 'Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during those years...but always for a good reason.'

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, and said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?'

Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'

'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life. So of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.'

'Alright,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?'

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I'm me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 8:56 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready
to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles
her special area.

He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval
before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes more
and more aroused assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement,
she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.

The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your
clothes?" His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it
was 4play ," The husband says, "No, not at all." His wife asks
angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?

" I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my
book.

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 7:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little b*****d makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 7:54 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Below are actual insurance claim form gaffes. These are the collection made by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas mag-

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."

"Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature?
A: I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan.

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in- law and headed over the embankment."

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I am sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 9:34 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.

They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 9:53 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.


The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"


Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."


"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.


"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."


"What if that had been struck by lightning?"


"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."


"What if the phone was engaged?"


"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."


"What if that was vandalized?"


"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."


This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"


"Because he's never seen a train crash."

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:56 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.


As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”


Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.


The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”


Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”


The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren’t you a police officer?”


And again Mike replied yes.


The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:00 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:16 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thing' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it could not have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem with it ?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room !

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 9:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to Him.Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I Want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down Into the valley, across the river, and Over the hill, into the
Cave, and finds the Woman.
Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.
God, His patience Wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said....

'What's a headache?'

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2010 11:29 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Chav alert!!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-kent-11908583

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oh what a mess its time cabbage punks like u will be expose for trully what they are. - David Cole
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GordonBennett
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:45 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^
Quote:
I thought that with it being icy and there not being anybody about, he'd be safe

What kind of nut actually considers their snowman being stolen, let alone actually caring?

I googled 'chav' and found this rather concise definition: "Chavs are retards who think that they're rebels " Smile

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Slightlyoutofit
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Joined: 13 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:25 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Classic. Now this is why I pay my license fee.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-11925556

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God will see you true for all this you have done to me you bastard. - Collins Kalu
MAY THE HAND THAT TYPE ON KEYBORD BECOME STRICKEN AND TRANSMIT VIRUS TO YOU ENTIRE BODY. - Dr Linda Akeem
oh what a mess its time cabbage punks like u will be expose for trully what they are. - David Cole
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Mr Tambourine Man
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 10:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^
The BBC is definitely having a bad day.

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is always Good when you have the zeal to be a hitwoman when you out of school,it makes you bold and reall and it makes you more high than any other of your friend.
you dont have a phone.that makes makes you joe butt. Fuck you and go find something to do man. Stop disturbing me please.
This is definitely why you will remain and die in poverty, ignorant of good things and easy acknowledgment of bad things and words. Shame on you, you wicked generation children.
i went you to no that this is not a cheld pray. i went you to get back to me
we are not scammer,we hate scammer as you do.scammer make out life harder and harder,a lot of people think we are scammer,in fact,we are not!! please trustt us
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Mr Tambourine Man
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2010 9:31 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
We asked him why he didn’t use his mobile to call us and he said ‘I dunno’.

Clicky

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Closed lad accounts x 4
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is always Good when you have the zeal to be a hitwoman when you out of school,it makes you bold and reall and it makes you more high than any other of your friend.
you dont have a phone.that makes makes you joe butt. Fuck you and go find something to do man. Stop disturbing me please.
This is definitely why you will remain and die in poverty, ignorant of good things and easy acknowledgment of bad things and words. Shame on you, you wicked generation children.
i went you to no that this is not a cheld pray. i went you to get back to me
we are not scammer,we hate scammer as you do.scammer make out life harder and harder,a lot of people think we are scammer,in fact,we are not!! please trustt us
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Esox lucius
cat strangler


Joined: 26 May 2010
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Location: Somewhere down the crazy river!


PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 2:52 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Wisconsin."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Wisconsin?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says,"A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us.

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Klaasvaak
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:28 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjh4DE8FZA&feature=player_embedded#!

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Slightlyoutofit
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 8:38 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

Image

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God will see you true for all this you have done to me you bastard. - Collins Kalu
MAY THE HAND THAT TYPE ON KEYBORD BECOME STRICKEN AND TRANSMIT VIRUS TO YOU ENTIRE BODY. - Dr Linda Akeem
oh what a mess its time cabbage punks like u will be expose for trully what they are. - David Cole
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Caligula
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Joined: 13 May 2009
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 16, 2010 9:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
EDMOND, OK -- Edmond 911 dispatchers field dozens of calls everyday. But this was among the strangest in recent memory.

Dispatcher: What's going on there ma'am?

Caller: I have some kind of animal in the toilet in my bathroom.

Dispatcher: Like, what's it look like?

Caller: Well, it's gray. That's all I can tell you. I didn't look real good because it scared me to death. I'm sorry.

Dispatcher: But it's not like one of your animals, like a cat or something?

Caller: No. My cat is in my office behaving herself.

Edmond Officer Derek Kennedy was the first to respond to 305 Candlewood Drive.

When he arrived, he discovered the aggressive squirrel, still in the toilet.

"As soon as I saw the squirrel, I knew I needed back up immediately," Officer Kennedy said.

Kennedy and his partner spent the next several minutes trying to capture the creature.

Kennedy says, "We wrangled up some snake tongs, a dog kennel. After a 5-minute chase, and him chasing us, we caught him."

The Edmond cops then released him in the park across the street.

It's a mystery how the squirrel got inside the house and in the toilet in the first place.

Police speculate it may have crawled through the sewer drain.


http://edmond.kfor.com/content/squirrel-toilet-startles-granny

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