Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:42 pm

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the fu**ing ba**ard who ran over my FROG."

Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:44 pm

A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the f*ck would I cut off four inches?"

Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:04 pm

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San
Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to
be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you
$100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so now we're going to Sea World.

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:43 pm

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:52 pm

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT. '

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
it had never been occupied;
that there was plenty of heat;
that is was small enough to make me cozy.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:57 pm

A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies, " no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again. He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle. With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause "God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds, "I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:12 pm

Pregnancy questions and answers

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A! : Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:19 pm

A new group of first graders were in class for the first time.

The teacher told them, "You are in first grade now and we do not talk 'baby talk' in my classroom. When I point to you, stand, tell me your name, and something you did this summer."

The first child stood, "My name is Jackie, I visited my Nanny."

The teacher said "That's great, but from now on we will say Grandmother. There is no 'baby talk' in the first grade."

The second child stood, "My name is Regina. I rode a choo choo this summer." The teacher replied, "That's good, but from now on we will say train. Remember, no 'baby talk' in first grade."

The third child stood, "My name is Frank and I read a book this summer." The teacher replied, "That's wonderful Frank! What book did you read?"

The little boy very proudly replied, "Winnie the Sh1t."

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:26 pm

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:28 pm

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,"but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the besthaircut of his life."Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,"Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives,...... ......... ...... He skipped the rest of the description, and saw PRICE: 50 Cents

"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands,he was able to withdraw his member.... which now had a button neatly sewn on the end

Posted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:33 pm

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'

Little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!
I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again.
Little Mary's mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,
'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,'
then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.'

Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:48 pm

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:52 pm

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift
And it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was
Playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea,
because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy
and she watches him drink it up, then says,
'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??

Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:53 pm

A virgin girl gets married to a guy who’s supposed to rather well endowed. She explains this to her new husband who tells her he knows how to get round the situation which is to show her his organ, bit by bit. The wife lies in bed and sees three inches of his d1ck come round the door. "Are you nervous yet?" says her husband.
"No, I'm OK" she replies. Another six inches of d1ck comes around the door and he says "Are you still OK?" "Yes" she replies. A further foot comes around the door and she says "I'm still not nervous". "OK," her husband replies, "I'm coming up the stairs"

Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 9:59 pm

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren''t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

Posted: Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:04 pm

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.
The problem was their 'nooner': it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done.
Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do. 'Homer,' said the doctor, 'just take your rifle out to the fields with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time.'
They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day when Homer came back to the doctor's office. 'What's wrong?' asked the Doc.
'Didn't my idea work?'
'Oh, it worked good,' said Homer. 'whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd fina a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again.' 'Good, Homer.
So what's the problem?' asked the Doc.
'Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin' season started....'

Posted: Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:11 am

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'

She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. 'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here.. Laughing

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:14 pm

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

"That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:16 pm

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."

"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.

"Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:17 pm

just read an article on the dangers of drinking....
Scared the sh*t out of me.
So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:31 pm

ill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.
And Bill comes back to work.
But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey b4stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.'

Posted: Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:43 pm

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 6:14 pm

A young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese fighter planes. Then, climbing up to 20,000 feet, he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended quickly, and came in for a perfect carrier landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:39 pm

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and the cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, 'Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I gave you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays for the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?'

The cabby said, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 6:45 pm

Two brothers grew up in the USA mountains, and when they were grown, one of them said he was going up North to seek his fortune.

The other one said he'd stay home and look after the farm and their parents.

The one up North became a salesman, soon he was sales manager, and then vice president and finally president of the company.

Before long, his business was bought out by a big company out West. In a little while, he became president of the parent company.

One day he got a call from his brother on the farm, who said, "Daddy died, and the funeral is Friday."

He said, "Oh, my goodness. I have to leave Thursday for a big merger meeting in Japan. I just can't come, but I want you to give Daddy the best funeral you can get and send the bill to me. It's the least I can do."

Well, the brother did as he was instructed, and in a few weeks, the successful brother received a bill for $6,000, and he paid it.

The following month, a bill for $100 came. Thinking they had forgotten something, he paid it. The next month, another bill for $100 came, and he paid that one, too. When another $100 bill arrived the third month, he called his brother and asked why he was still getting these bills.

"Oh, yes," the brother said, "I think I know. See, when we got Daddy all dressed up in his old serge suit in that new casket with that polished wood and satin lining, he just didn't look right, and since you said you wanted the best, ...... we rented him a tuxedo."

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