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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The pompous club pro was challenged to a round of golf by
one of the less experienced members for a prize of £100.
The pro, smiling to himself, immediately took up the
challenge, “but,” said his partner, “as long as you agree that
I can have two ‘geronimos’.” Not knowing what these were,
but confident in his own ability, the club pro agrees. At the
end of the round, the other members are astonished to see
the pro handing over £100.
“We can’t believe it” they said. “What happened?”
“Well, I was just swinging my club down for the first hole,
when my partner grabs me by the bollocks and shouts
‘geronimo’.” Imagine trying to play the next 17 holes,
waiting for the second one.”

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:30 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The poor man had a dreadful medical problem, so he went
along to the chemist to see if they could help him.
Unfortunately, the shop was owned by two spinsters, but it
was too late to walk out, so blushing profusely, he explained
that he had a permanent erection and what could they give
him for it.
“Just a moment, Sir” and the two women went into the back
room to confer.
A couple of minutes later, they returned smiling happily.
“Okay, we’ve talked it over and we can offer you a half
partnership in the shop and £1,000 cash.”

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

As the young girl leaves school for home, a car draws up and
a man leans across, saying, “Hello, let me give you a lift
home.”
“No thanks,” she says firmly and heads on up the road.
The car follows and again the man speaks to her.
“Come on, get in, I’ve bought you a comic.”
“No, I don’t want to,” she cries and starts to run.
The car catches her up again and the man says, “Look, it’s
starting to rain, you’re going to get so wet if you don’t get
in.”
“How many times do I have to say no?” she screams. “It was
your choice to buy the Lada but it doesn’t mean I have to
ride in it, Dad.”

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CryHavoc
Baiting Guru


Joined: 28 Feb 2013
Posts: 3152


PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 6:37 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

So this burglar breaks into a house in a pretty well-to-do area to lighten their load one night. As he's scouting around the living room and sizing up the electronics, he hears a whisper from out of the dark, from where he can't quite tell:

Jesus is watching you.

He flips his shit, naturally, clicks the flashlight off and freezes but he's trembling. Doesn't move for a solid minute, but there are no other sounds. After a second minute, he starts thinking he must be going crazy and just heard it in his head. It wasn't very loud after all. Shake it off. Get the job done.

He reaches the entertainment center and just as he's undoing the DVD player...

Jesus is watching you.

THIS time he knows he heard SOMEONE say it, it was definitely not in his head, and the flashlight is off almost before the voice finished talking. He tries his best to blend into the dark and after a while manages the courage to flip on the flashlight and search around the room. But no one is there. He's completely wigged out at this point so he decides to grab the DVD player, cut his losses, and get the hell out of this house. But he doesn't even make it halfway back across the room before...

Jesus is watching you.

But its coming from RIGHT NEXT TO HIM so he jumps and spins in fright and trains his flashlight on a bird cage in the corner of the room that he had previously missed. There's a parrot sitting inside of it.

Was that YOU? He demands of the parrot.

Awwwk! Yes, Answers the parrot.

You scared the shit out of me you stupid bird. What's your name?

Awwwk! Moses.

That's a stupid name. What kind of stupid people name their bird "Moses"?

Awwwk! Kind that name a Rottweiler "Jesus."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 7:35 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

“I hope you don’t mind me asking,” said the young
American girl to the Scotsman, “but I’ve often wondered
what you wear under your kilt.”
The Scotsman replied that if she was really curious to know,
then she could put her hand up his kilt and find out for
herself.
So, a little apprehensively, she did as he suggested and put
her hand under his kilt.
“Aaagh, it’s gruesome,” she screamed, quickly removing her
hand.
“Aye, it is that, lass,” replied the Scotsman, “and if you put
your hand up again, you’ll find it’s gruesome more.”

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 3:28 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.'

I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.

I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.

Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with 'the girls. '

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?

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nicclause
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 31 Dec 2012
Posts: 35
Location: Not all there


PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 7:50 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The club needs a new shaft. When striking balls it may not snap back with the usual intensity this will introduce a wobble and you may never achieve the ping that comes with a perfect swing to his balls!!!

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 9:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress:

"Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"











The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2013 9:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist's shop and Jack suggests they go in.


Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds"

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "Yes"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Yes."

Jack: "Then we'd like to use your shop for our wedding presents list..."

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next victim
Not Totally Ignorant


Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Posts: 21168


PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 1:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "you're definitely going to $hit yourself, road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day your butt cheeks might burn off!

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about & dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. I watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. ......BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal ass-plosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch! Did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2013 4:37 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

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Corona
Eater's sweetheart


Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 8603
Location: On ya left!


PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The Jury

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of .. . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.


In the defenses closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that the accused would probably be convicted, gave a sly smile to his client then resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a big surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement but you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, thus I have no doubt that you must return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate.

A short while later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But why?" inquired the lawyer.
"You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied:

"Yes, WE did all look, BUT YOUR CLIENT DIDN'T!!

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT


These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Mar 12, 2013 8:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

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Big Al
The Schmooze-Meister


Joined: 13 Dec 2011
Posts: 5054
Location: Winter is Coming....


PostPosted: Thu Mar 14, 2013 3:23 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

"How I spend my Saturday" by Jeff Gordon:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5mHPo2yDG8&sns=em
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Big Al
The Schmooze-Meister


Joined: 13 Dec 2011
Posts: 5054
Location: Winter is Coming....


PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 1:56 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This one is making the rounds again:

Quote:
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch ?"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well he certainly is your son ."
The robot slaps the mother.
End of Story
P.S. Robot For Sale
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

During a ladys Medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and
blood pressure are all fine.


Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."


The lady starts taking off her underwear but is
interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! Don't remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!"

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't
contribute in any way."

The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."

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Rowan
Elite Baiter


Joined: 15 Feb 2013
Posts: 1326
Location: In the back room, being naughty


PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 6:19 am Reply with quoteBack to top

The flip side of lawyer jokes.

George and Lenny decide to cross North America in a hot air balloon. However, neither were particularly experienced balloonists, and Lenny's mind quickly drifted. Upon realizing that they were lost, George declared, "Lenny, we are going to have to lose some altitude so we can figure out where we are."

George lets some hot air out of the balloon, which slowly descended below the clouds, but he still couldn't tell where they were. Far below, they could see a man on the ground. George lowered the balloon, to ask the man their location.

When they were low enough, George called down to the man, "Hey, can you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yelled back, "You're in a balloon, about 100 feet up in the air."

George called down to the man, "You must be a lawyer. The advice you gave us is 100% accurate but completely useless".

The man called back up to the balloon, "You must be a client." George yelled back, "Why do you say that?" "Well," the man replied, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You got into your predicament through a lack of planning, and could have avoided it by asking for help before you acted. You expect me to provide an instant remedy. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 7:35 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks
to paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After
finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower.
Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up,she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her
to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament.
They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever..
Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts.

Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her
to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study
how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 9:42 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Someone asked me, “Now that you’re retired, do you still have something to occupy your time?”

I replied, “Yes I am my wife's sexual counsellor."

Somewhat shocked, they said, "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it.”

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Joker
*** BANNED ***


Joined: 26 Jul 2012
Posts: 1123


PostPosted: Fri Mar 29, 2013 6:37 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Image

I am definitely putting that one on the side of my hard hat. Laughing

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All warfare is based on deception - Sun Tzu, The Art of War
لئيم كافر
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Mar 30, 2013 5:52 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A Cumbrian farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.

His wife says to him, "why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".

The farmer does this, but after two weeks, no phone calls, the dog is still missing.

"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Here boy," said the farmer.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2013 9:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Movies are so fake these days.
I just sat and watched a film where a guy uses a laptop to access an alien space ship and not once did it ask him to perform Windows updates.

***********************************************************

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

************************************************************

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and fries, please."
"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or as takie out?"
"&^%$£&***%!!!!" he snapped, before walking off with his food.
I love working in the prison canteen.

************************************************************

Man walks into a hotel lift. The operator asks "Which floor, son?"
"17th" replies the man....
"No problem, son" says the operator
As they approached the 17th floor the operator said "Enjoy the rest of your stay, son"
"Why do you keep calling me son?!" asks the man
"Well, I brought you up, didn't I?" replies the operator....

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3172
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 3:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

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