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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:07 am Reply with quoteBack to top

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School headmaster's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.




Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to f*ck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Hilda.

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Pastor Frank
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Joined: 31 Jan 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 17, 2011 3:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Wow!

https://imgur.com/bMW9H

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wokabo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 23 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 18, 2011 9:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^ Apart from the grey hair, she hasn't changed a bit. I think she sold her soul to the devil.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A couple returned from their honeymoon not talking to each other. The husband's best friend finally takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the new husband, "When we finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend: "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said: "I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Nov 19, 2011 3:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A beautiful woman found a lovely pool after wandering into an orchard. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.

"You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.

He smiled and replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

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Corona
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 5:16 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, What can I do for you?'' '' I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.... He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood i............s kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood. but find no marijuana. They sneered at Virgil and leave. Shortly ,after the phone rings at Virgil's house. ''Hey, Virgil, This here's Floyd.... Did the Sheriff come?'' ''Yeah!'' '' Did they chop your firewood for the winter?'' ''Yep!'' ''Happy Birthday, buddy!'' Rednecks know how to git-R-done.

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:29 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:34 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 6:37 am Reply with quoteBack to top

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-~censored~.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Nov 22, 2011 9:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

From British Newspapers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The ManchesterEvening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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Yastreb
Demented Opportunist


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 14986
Location: Leading my wolf pack


PostPosted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 8:58 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Vampiremerchant wrote:
The Biker at the Zoo
A biker is visiting the zoo in Brisbane when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A Courier Mail reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'
The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the Australian Army and a Liberal.'
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
"AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


Bit late to the party with this one, I'm aware, but that's not the Australian media that I know... It sounds like a variation on this old 'un.

Two kids were having a kick in the car park outside the MCG just before a big Carlton/Essendon match. As they were playing a dog came running across and attacked one of them. The dog was on top of the kid scratching and biting him so his mate picked up a stick and started to bash the dog, and finally killed it.
A journalist saw the whole thing and said to the boy, "You just saved your best mate's life, this could make a great story!"
She got out her pad and asked, "Do you support Carlton?" thinking of the headline, Brave Blues fan saves best mate from savage dog.
"No, I don't barrack for Carlton," said the boy.
"So you're an Essendon fan," said the journalist, amending the hypothetical headline to Brave Bomber fan saves best mate from savage dog.
"No, not Essendon," said the boy.
"So who do you support?"
"Collingwood."
The headline next day read, " Low Life Mongrel Murders Helpless Puppy."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-~censored~.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over. He walks up to the window and says:

"Sir, I believe you're drunk. I'm going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I'm a severe asthmatic, and I don't have my inhaler with me...if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah...well, this is more invasive, but if you won't submit to a breathalyzer, I'm going to have to take you down to the station and take some blood sample"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I'm a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can't give blood...I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I'm going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I can't do that, I'm drunk."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:43 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE

Bob, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.

"I had a terrible day." replied Bob . "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection.

Anyway, I went up and, sure enough, there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection.

So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."



"I see" said his wife, "that must have been awful, but how did you get the black eye?"


Bob replied: " Wrong room ."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 8:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the country is in trouble:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, But Capetown is in Massachusetts....''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an Ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map.''
5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's
very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. Is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alaska who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, But none of these planes have that number on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu, Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere." The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!'' So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

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windypops
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How about a little lookie-likie?

Image

Martin Scorsese <<<<<<<<<<<<<________________________>>>>>>>>>>>>> Woody Allen

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Yastreb
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 6:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Vampiremerchant wrote:
A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why the country is in trouble:


Sounds like someone's getting revenge for all those George Bush jokes; all the people shoehorned into those stories are Democrats.

But in the meantime, from the other side of the fence...

"Dick Cheney had an awkward moment tonight at a White House Halloween party. He went dressed as Darth Vader and at the party, he ran into the real Darth Vader who was dressed as Dick Cheney." --Jay Leno

"In an interview with the Washington Times... Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that.... I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno

"...Sarah Palin said... she felt the vice president should have more power. More power? Dick Cheney is shooting people in the face and doesn't even get arrested. You cannot get any more powerful than that." --Jay Leno

"You know, we've made a lot of jokes about Dick Cheney and hunting and shooting his buddies in the face ... but he really is a great sportsman. I mean, before he shoots the pheasant, he makes it dig its own grave" --David Letterman

_________________
I will heed the advice of a polite horse for it is written that more flies are caught with honey than vinegar... although assault carbines and monstrous wolves are still fun.

"I aim to misbehave."

Asena - Pretty Rose
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:24 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A young man from the city went to visit his uncle who worked on a large farm. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things: chickens, cows and endless rows of crops. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs and go shooting?" he suggested.

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 5:30 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate

funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge

heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service

as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy,

the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed,

sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all

eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my

own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist.

The proctologist fainted

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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wokabo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 23 Sep 2004
Posts: 825
Location: best beer country in onomatopoeia world


PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:48 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A blonde calls up her husband and says, honey, I'm trying to do the puzzle you gave me, but it's so difficult! I can't even find the side pieces!
Well, says the husband, start by looking at the box, that gives an example of what the puzzle should show. What's on the box?
- It's a big green and red rooster.
-OK darling, I'll be home at 5:30, in the mean time, start by putting the cornflakes back into the box.

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pony pony pony

Fight My Brute
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 5:04 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" "And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your boobs twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Entomologist
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 12 May 2010
Posts: 742
Location: Noncomformist Like Everyone Else


PostPosted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 12:47 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Jimmy is an opportunist who uses unethical means to his advantage. He is fishing with a long net and pulling it in.

Suddenly the fishing inspector (FI) pops out and pounces on Jimmy.
"I got you now Jimmy. Netting without a licence!"

Jimmy, "Aaah!.. Oh its only you!"

FI, "What do you mean, Its only me? I am the fishing inspector."

Jimmy, "I thought it was the owner of the net."

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Closed lad accounts X12+Closed lad accounts X2 Hitlads Sand Timer 14 mths CellphoneCellphoneCellphone First one helped by Woody999
what is helling is happen-Don Gunshot
Fuck with your money i am not after your money ok, is your life so much important to me to kill ok, go to hell with your money
Sir, I do not send any money to me because i need it.
Let GOD judge me if this is a trick Sir, this is a trick
So if you are buying the Hubble Space telescope that cost 1,000usd.
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on a church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy, "We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded, "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all replied, "You win!"

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3174
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Dec 13, 2011 5:48 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Cheap Flights

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.

I told her I was looking for cheap flights.

"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,

That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........


Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before !

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