Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

Vampiremerchant wrote:

. . . a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

I want to meet the person who spent the time creating that pun. Then I want to kill that person with a rock . . . for causing my brain to dissolve. Laughing

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:04 pm

Types of computer viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

The Verizon virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for AT&T viruses.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:06 pm

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. 2. Don’t ever write anything down, especially the error message that was on your screen.
3. If we ask what the last thing you did was, always respond with, “I didn’t do anything.”
4. When we say we’ll be right over, immediately find a reason to leave so you won’t have to answer silly questions from us, like “what’s your screen saver password
5. When describing your problem, just tell us what you were ultimately trying to do. For example, just say, “I can’t get my email”. We don’t need to know that the computer won’t even turn on. 6. Feel free to ignore any email sent from us, especially those marked with high importance. You don’t really need to know about the latest virus that wiped out your neighbors hard drive.
7. Always send important and urgent emails in all uppercase.
8. When the copier, or anything else remotely electronic, doesn’t work, call us. Heck, if we can fix computers, we must know all about copiers too.
9. If the document you sent to the printer didn’t print, send it at least 20 more times. One of them is bound to work.
10. Don’t ever learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by “my thingy blew up”.
11. Don’t waste your time using the built in help files. We already had to learn the hard way, why should you?
12. If any of the computer cables are in your way or keep moving, be sure to route them across the top of your portable heater or set something big and heavy on them to hold them in place.
13. Never bother reading any message that pops up on your screen. Just click the X to close it or the first button your mouse gets to.
14. Don’t ever try rebooting the computer yourself. Call us immediately. Only experienced, highly-trained professionals should attempt that.
15. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t know anything about this computer crap”. We love hearing our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
16. When you receive a huge movie file that’s really funny, be sure to forward it to all your friends. We have plenty of disk space and bandwidth.
17. Don’t bother bringing a radio to work, just listen to music over the internet. Like I said, we have plenty of bandwidth.
18. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might squeeze their one-page document into the queue.
19. When an I.T. person is carrying heavy equipment, worth thousands of dollars, that’s the best time to ask why your screen saver quit working.
20. Don’t bother to tell us when you move computer equipment around on your own. We certainly don’t need to keep track of those things.
21. Your computer case makes a great flat surface for sitting drinks or potted plants on.
22. Do whatever you can to cover up those ugly open air slots in the computer and monitor.

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:14 pm

A father and his son were flying Southwest Airlines from Oakland to Kansas City.

The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his father and said: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The father, who couldn't think of an answer, told his son to ask the flight attendant.

So, the little boy asked the flight attendant: "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked: "Did your daddy tell you to ask me that?"

He nodded.

With a clever grin, she said: "Tell your daddy it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:17 pm

Bloke upstairs just waking up and he hears screams from the kitchen downstairs.
He comes running down the stairs and into the kitchen where he sees his wife at the cooker.
She turns to him and says “Quick, clean off the counter there behind me and start making love to me for as long as you can.” He thought all his birthdays had come at once.
The bloke looks a bit stunned for a second or two, but clears the counter off as quick as a whistle
and proceeds to make mad passionate love to the missus.
When they were finished the bloke turned to the wife and said, “Well that was a surprise”
“What was all that about.”

She looked at him for a second and said,
“Oh nothing really it’s just that the egg timer had just broken.”

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:22 pm

Three guys died when they got to the pearly gates St Peter met them and said " I know you guys are forgiven because your here but before you get into heaven I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven as it is soo big". St Peter asks the first guy : How long were you married ? he replies 24 years.
Did u ever cheat on your wife ? asks St Peter
The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter said, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Skoda to drive.
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter and says, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year, so we really worked it out."
Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that; here's your Mondeo."
The third guy walked up and said, " Peter , I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Mondeo and the Skoda saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden pavement, so they went to see what was the matter.
When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said,
"I just saw my wife; she was on a skateboard!"

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:31 pm

Tom and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Tom didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Tom hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Tom lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Tom, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! – there sat Tom! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Tom, what in the world happened to you?'

Tom replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Tom said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The bloody judge gave me 30 days for perjury'!!!!!

Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 8:41 pm

years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

2010 Airport Screening Stats

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernia’s 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 8:16 am

MURPHY’S LAWS OF COMPUTING
For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.

He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

If at first you don’t succeed, blame your computer.

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.

The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

When the going gets tough, upgrade.

When you need to send an email quick, that’s when the modem won’t connect!

Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:23 pm

Sue went to a pet shop and immediately spotted
a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the
cage that said ... $50.00.

"Why so little?" Sue asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty
vulgar stuff."

Sue thought about this, but decided she had to have
the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's
cage up in her living room and waited for it to say
something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

Sue was a bit shocked at the implication, but then
thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school,
the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam,
new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then
began to laugh about the situationconsidering how and
where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, Sue's husband, Doug, came home from
work The bird looked at him and said, .........

"Hi Doug."

Posted: Tue Jan 04, 2011 7:26 pm

12 Step Recovery Program For Web Addicts

I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

I will get dressed before noon.

I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

I will read a book... if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 2:46 pm

A truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge, so he stops .
"What are you doing?" He ask.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
"Well, before you jump and kill yourself, would you mind giving me a blowjob?"
"Well if I'm going to die anyway, I guess it's no big deal."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:22 pm

An old lady walks into a butchers shop an asks for a Milwaukee chicken, the butcher looks at her scratches his head and puts a chicken on the counter,

the old lady sticks her finger in the chickens rear end sniffs her finger and says that's not a Milwaukee chicken that's a Rhodes island red.

this continues until she finds a Milwaukee chicken , "that one will do she says" ,

whilst the butcher is wrapping the chicken the old lady says "you are new here aren't you ,where are you from".

The butcher drops his trousers bends over and says "you tell me!"

Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:24 pm

Rules for Bank Robbers

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes, committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles How Not to Rob a Bank, by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up.

Another teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house, where he showed them his weapon.

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a note saying, I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope. The teller said "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras. Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer picture.

Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars. They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:35 pm

Bloke went into a tailor-shop and asked for 96 pockets to
be sewn into his jacket.
Then he went around the pet shops till he had bought 96 budgies.

He climbed up onto a roof, put a budgie into each pocket,
then jumped!

Someone nearby where he landed with a terrible thump
heard him moan,

"Well that's the end of that budgie jumping for me!"

Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:38 pm

Hollywood Squares:
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency....

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty....

Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:49 pm

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing” the manager asked?

“That’s the one”!

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged”?

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me”.

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:18 pm

Maxine took her car to her mechanic. She told him "Every time I take any of my friends out in my car, after a while there is this terrible smell !! . It never happens when I am driving alone"??

This intrigued the mechanic, so he said, "OK, lets go for a spin and see what the problem is."

Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction at 70 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly missed three pedestrians in Pedestrian crossings, ran several red lights, and just missed a policeman on street traffic duty.

Then, they returned to the shop, and she said, "There it is now. There's that terrible smell! Can you smell it?"

"Smell it? Lady, I'm sittin' in it!"

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:21 pm

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes.... My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:23 pm

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is gripping on to the toilet seat with his left hand and hitting himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says: "Billy, are you alright? you've been in here for awhile."

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy.. i just haven't gone 'poopy' yet.."

Mother says: "Ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says: "Works for ketchup."

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:26 pm

A husband and wife were out golfing together one day when they came upon a tough par 4 hole. The husband hooked his drive deep into the woods and proclaimed that he would have to chip out. Then the wife said: "Maybe not, dear! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I do believe you could hit it right through and reach the green."

So the husband agrees to give it a try, but when he hits the ball it goes straight through the front doors of the barn, hits the crossbeam, ricochets back and hits his wife square in the head, killing her.

A year goes by and the man is golfing with a friend. He finds himself on the same hole, with the same results, a hook deep in the woods. He is all set to chip out when his friend runs up to him and says: "Wait! Do you see that barn over there? If I open the doors on both sides, I think you can still reach the green."

"No way," replies the man: "I tried that last year and got a 7."

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:35 pm

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:39 pm

Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Gary says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Gary, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Gary continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case," persevered Gary, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."

"What if that was vandalized?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into town and get my uncle Bill."

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 9:47 pm

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant: "You're charged with beating your colleague to death with a hammer."

All of a sudden a voice at the back of the courtroom yells out: "You b*st*rd!"

The judge says: "You're also charged with beating your supervisor to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out: "You f*cking b*st*rd!"

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom: "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says: "It sure is. For 15 years, I've lived next door to that b*st*rd, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

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