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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:17 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?"

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work."

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

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Esox lucius
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Joined: 26 May 2010
Posts: 2633
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:58 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the arse and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:49 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".

"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.

"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".

"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.

"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:55 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

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Vampiremerchant
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Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:57 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!!!!!."

There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: "Okay ..... NOW you're screwed."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:01 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:03 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:07 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says "These seats sure are big" to which the man replies "Everything is bigger in texas". He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender "The glasses sure are big" to which the bartender says "Everything is bigger in Texas". The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts "Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!"....................

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An elderly couple visit the doctor for an annual check-up. He asks them into his office one at a time, starting with the husband.

After examining him, the doctor says, "Mr Smith, you're in great shape. How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr Smith, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the good Lord looks out for me."

"What do you mean?" asks the GP.

"For weeks now, every time I've had to go to the toilet in the middle of the night, the Lord has turned the light on for me."

"That's nice," says the confused doctor. "Please send your wife in now."

She enters the room and the GP says, "Your husband is extremely physically fit but I fear he is starting to have delusions." He then tells her about the toilet visits.

"Oh, I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says, looking relieved. "And it explains who's been peeing in the fridge."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:00 am Reply with quoteBack to top

police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I said keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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Rooted
419Eater is my life


Joined: 26 Jan 2010
Posts: 353
Location: Beyond the black stump


PostPosted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:42 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Foggy Halloween night

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:

Bump.... BUMP... BUMP....

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,


The coffin stops. Laughing

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I thank you for your mail and wish to inform you that I mate with the lawyer this afternoon...

PAY YOUR BILL PAY YOUR BILL.OR STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. BARRISTER S ZUMA ESQ.

How will be asking all that question wasting my time that is precious....

... you are a joker a deciever and also a liar ...

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.

"I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Three little ducks go into a Bar
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply.
'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'
'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.
'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself..
What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.
'My name is Puddles..'

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A family was at the dinner table.
The son asked his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'
The father, surprised, said, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they're like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they're like onions'.
'Onions?'
'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'
The mother, surprised, smiled and said, 'Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree'.
'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Nov 01, 2010 9:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his Mother and asked,
"If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
Why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the Stewardess.

So the boy walks to the galley and asks the stewardess,
"If big dogs have Baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby Planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes, she did"...

''Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time.
Have your mother explain that to you."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 5:27 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Two 90 year old Welshmen, Dai and Emrys, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Emrys is dying, Dai visits him every day. One day Dai
says, 'Emrys, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on
Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you
get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there.'

Emrys looks up at Dai from his death bed,' Dai, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Emrys passes on. At midnight a couple of nights later,
Dai is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and
a voice calling out to him, 'Dai--Dai.'

'Who is it? Asks Dai sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Dai--it's me, Emrys.'

'You're not Emrys. Emrys just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Emrys,' insists the voice.'

'Emrys! Where are you?'

'In heaven', replies Emrys. 'I have some really good news and a little bad
news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' says Dai.

The good news,' Emrys says,' is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than
that, we're all young again.

Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And
best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' says Dai. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'

'You're in the team for Tuesday.

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Klaasvaak
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_23Nt5XumaU

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:08 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Walking through the jungle a hunter found a dead ferocious-looking rhinoceros with a Pygmy standing proudly beside it. Amazed, the hunter asked, “Did you kill that rhino?”

“Why, yes,” said the Pygmy.

“How could a little fella like you kill a beast like that?”

“I killed it with my club,” explained the Pygmy.

The astonished hunter exclaimed, “Wow! How big is your club?”

The Pygmy replied, “There are about 90 of us.”

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive." The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:24 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.'

'What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.'

'And you, little Eddie, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d*head.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, coz he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see right up her

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Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:29 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A wedding occurred just outside Dublin. To keep tradition going, everyone got extremely drunk and the bride's and the groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the living daylights out of each other.

The Police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court". The court room goes silent and Paddy, the Best Man, stands up and says, "Judge, I was the Best Man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Dublin wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the bride.

The Judge says, "Okay".

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the Judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?!" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

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Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3181
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Nov 03, 2010 9:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!"

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Closed lad accounts x 35 Easter Egg

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Thailand United Kingdom
Thailand
Thailand
Thailand









My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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