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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:57 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well.
I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: " Milton , the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Luv Ya, MAMA

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Two Aliens

Some yeas ago two aliens landed in outback Australia near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Browned off at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You don't want to do that! It will make him angry.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He darn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
*This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner or a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
*This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
*Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
*This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
*You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:14 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

High School Reunions and why to avoid them

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live inJersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"From your Love line? No, from the calluses."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Folks, you can't make this stuff up. Real life can be funnier then fiction...

Bored of the same old two-party system? Check out these actual political parties that exist or existed.

THE RHINOCEROS PARTY - This Canadian Party existed with a very unusual platform. It included: repealing the law of gravity, paving the entire province of Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot, providing higher education by building taller schools, instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages, making bubble gum the national currency, putting the national debt on Visa, counting the Thousand Islands to make sure none were missing, and banning lousy Canadian winters.

BEER LOVERS PARTY - This post-Soviet assembly was founded in 1993 in the state of Belarus. Among its major goals was the push for the cleanness and quality of the national brew. Its logo was a cartoon of a drunken hedgehog. The party was liquidated in 1998.

THE ABSOLUTELY ABSURD PARTY is another Canadian joke party which advocates the following: Lowering the voting age to 14(Because, after all, when was the last time a 14-year-old started a war?), changing the rules in federal elections so that the candidate in last place becomes the elected official, raffling off Senate seats as a fundraising mechanism, and replacing the Department of Defense with a crack elite squad of Rock/Paper/Scissors commandos.

THE UNION OF CONSCIENTIOUSLY WORK-SHY ELEMENTS was an unusually successful frivolous political party founded by comedian Jacob Haugaard in Denmark in 1979. Haugaard eventually won a seat in the Danish Parliament by making the following campaign promises: Tail winds on all bicycle paths, better weather, better Christmas presents, more pieces of Renaissance furniture in Ikea, Nutella in Army field rations, more bread for ducks in the park, and free beer and sausages, funded by his state party funding, served to his voters in the public park in Aarhus after each election. (The last three were actually fulfilled during his term in office.)

THE HUNGARIAN DOUBLE-TAILED DOG PARTY is a joke political party that was founded in 2004. All of the candidates are named Istvan Nagy, two very common first and last names in Hungary. While not an officially registered party, it nevertheless made the following promises in the 2006 elections: Eternal life, world peace, one-day work weeks, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, free beer and low taxes.

THE McGILLICUDDY SERIOUS PARTY is a joke party in New Zealand that promotes the following: Replacing the Royal New Zealand Armoured Corps with mounted knights, replacing money with chocolate fish as legal tender, using beer as a national defense strategy by leaving many bottles on all beaches so any invading army would abandon its attack and get drunk instead, restricting the vote to only those under 18 (with actual campaign ads run during children's programming), votes for trees (as New Zealanders have a reputation as environmentalists), air bags for the New Zealand Stock Exchange (in case of a crash), good weather (but only if the voters behave), job creation by carpeting the nations highways, and the sending-out of intelligence agents around the world to wipe New Zealand off published maps so no one could invade the country.

THE DONALD DUCK PARTY is a Swedish joke political party that received write-in votes before it even existed. Capitalizing on its popularity, one man, Bosse Person, registered it. He is its only member. In 1991, the party received 1,535 write in votes by promoting a platform which advocated free liquor and wider sidewalks.

THE HAPPENING HAPPY HIPPY PARTY was a spoof political party that was really more a Web site and "e-zine" that ran in the late '90's and early '00's. It promoted easing the burden on Britain's National Health Service by making accidents illegal and improving Britain's climate by towing the island 200 miles south.

THE MARIJUANA PARTY actually exists and is a current US political party that runs candidates who - you guessed it - work tirelessly toward the legalization of marijuana!

THE YOUTH INTERNATIONAL PARTY was a highly theatrical and anti-authoritarian political party that existed in the US in the 60's. Its members were called "Yippies." Better known for street theatre and politically themed pranks that mocked the status quo (such as running a pig as its candidate in the 1968 Election and throwing money out to the crowd at the New York Stock Exchange), this socialist countercultural organization was amusingly dubbed the "Groucho Marxists."

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said Wait just a minute! she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, I hope you werent crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.

She said, Yes, I promised. Im a good christian, I cant lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.

You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?

I sure did. I gathered up all the money put it in my account and wrote him a check for it.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 8:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Confession

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:53 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No...
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 6:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Secret Code


After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president

Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the
media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come
up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled
President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked
him the meaning of the note.

George Bush chuckled and replied: 'Bud ....you're holding it upside down!

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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:10 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

On the PA system:





'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have husband down.'



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

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Father-Christmas
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 29 Sep 2010
Posts: 68


PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:16 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I'm going to go rob a bank tomorrow.
I plan on dressing up in a clown wig and make up and only wearing a thong and nipple tassels.
I'll carry a goat and a can of fluorescent paint in one arm and, while in the bank, I'm going to fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing my head off. After getting the money, I'll take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. I then will escape in a van shaped like a giant pink cock.

Let's see Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.
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Vampiremerchant
Terrible Joker


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 7:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?'The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

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Father-Christmas
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 29 Sep 2010
Posts: 68


PostPosted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 8:02 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead.
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Yastreb
Demented Opportunist


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 15025
Location: Leading my wolf pack


PostPosted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 12:51 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Saw this on Yahoo news, and it's supposed to be true...

Quote:
'Devil' fear sparks French defenestration

Eleven people were injured when they jumped out of a second-storey window near Paris early on Saturday, thinking a naked man tending his crying baby in the night was the devil, the local prosecutor said.

"Thirteen people were in an apartment on the second floor when, around 3am, one of the occupants heard his child crying," the deputy prosecutor in Versailles, Odile Faivre, said.

"The man in question of African origin, who was completely naked, got up to feed his child, at which point the other occupants took him for the devil," said Faivre.

"He was seriously wounded in the hand after being stabbed with a knife before he was thrown out of the apartment, via the door."

The naked man then tried to get back into the flat in the town of La Verriere west of Paris, population 6000.

"That's when the other occupants tried to escape by jumping out of the window, panicked by a fear of the devil," said Faivre.

Police have questioned the would-be devil, aged 30, and another man who jumped from the window with a two-year-old girl in his arms.

Seven of those injured were taken to hospital for emergency treatment.
Investigators are trying to clarify a number of issues surrounding the case, including whether everyone jumped voluntarily or if some were forced to do so, Faivre said.


http://au.news.yahoo.com/world/a/-/world/8187206/devil-fear-sparks-french-defenestration/

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:02 am Reply with quoteBack to top

After a visit to a massage parlour, a man discovers a painful lump on his willy, so he goes to see his GP.
'I'm afraid this is serious,' the doctor says after examining him.
'You know how rugby players get cauliflower ear?'
'Yes,' the man replies shakily.
'Well,' the doctor continues ...
... 'you've got a brothel sprout.'

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:03 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I have just been arrested..I was in the car dying for a piss, so i did it in a coke can
Police stopped me and asked what was in the can. ..... so now i am being done for possesion of canapiss

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:03 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Adult Riddles ~
Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?
A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q.Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a Guy can do it alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What do Tupperware and a Walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a Priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife?
A: 45 pounds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 8:04 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsberg were all close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together.*
Schwartz says, "OK! I'll invest $100,000."*
Cohen says, "I will go for $200,000".
Ginsberg says, "All right, I'll put in $1,000."*
Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. You, Schwartz, for your $100,000, you can be Vice President and CFO, and Ginsberg, for your $1,000, you will be our sexual Adviser."


*
Puzzled, Ginsberg asks Cohen, "What is a sexual Adviser?"*
Cohen replies, "When we want your f***ing advice, we'll ask".*

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3175
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:34 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a
field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would
go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the
boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began
hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from
their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, love,' he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3175
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:54 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:09 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?."

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Vampiremerchant
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3175
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:15 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine, " exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack, " she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to sh!t!"

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