Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 10:23 pm

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,

and she asks, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said, 'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies, 'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!

Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 8:55 pm

A Guy Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”

And the Prince rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted, and lived happily ever after.

The End

Posted: Sat Oct 02, 2010 8:58 pm

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
I have no idea and I'm hoping you'll give me a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.

"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:57 am

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:12 pm

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

^^Vampire Merchant, you practically own this thread. Laughing

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 6:28 pm

Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee:

- You answer the door before people knock.
- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
- You ski uphill.
- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
- You lick your coffeepot clean.
- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
- You chew on other people's fingernails.
- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
- You can jump-start your car without cables.
- Cocaine is a downer.
- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
- You don't sweat, you percolate.
- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
- People get dizzy just watching you.
- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
- Instant coffee takes too long.
- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.
- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
- You short out motion detectors.
- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
- You don't tan, you roast.
- You can't even remember your second cup.
- You help your dog chase its tail

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:06 pm

Quote:

^^Vampire Merchant, you practically own this thread

No its just one of the forums I am a member of, they have a weird sense of humour there.... Laughing

ONLY THE ENGLISH COULD HAVE INVENTED THIS LANGUAGE

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Then shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England ..
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:07 pm

An old crusty cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day.

The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the
cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in
front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, Stranger."

"Howdy, Sheriff."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of the horse, lifted his tail
and placed a big kiss on the horse's butt. He dropped the horse's
tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed toward the swinging doors of
the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the Sheriff, "Did I just see what I
think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And does that cure them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope... but it keeps me from lickin' 'em"

Posted: Sun Oct 03, 2010 8:09 pm

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

“We missed the R! ?We missed the R! We missed the R!”

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…CELEBRATE!!!”

Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 6:55 pm

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
fookin thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy goes to the doctor with a bad back.
"How did you get it?" asks the Doctor.
"Having sex doggy style!" says Paddy.
"Why not have sex the normal way?" asks Doctor.
"I have" says Paddy "but the dog keeps licking my face!"

Paddy was driving home, pissed as a newt, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For fook sake Paddy, that's your air freshener!"

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the fook you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't fookin breathe".

Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:18 pm

Don't you hate it when ...

1. People are willing to get off their backside to search the entire room for the TV remote but refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
2. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”.
Damn Right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
3. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”.
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
4. When people say while watching a film, “did you see that?”
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…
Didn’t give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
6. When something is ‘new and improved’.
Which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
7. When people say “life is short”.
What the heck??? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do that’s longer?
8. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?”
If the bus came, would I be standing here???

Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:20 pm

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

AMISH VIRUS - You are sent a postal letter stating that your computer is now infected, and you are honor bound to delete all files on your PC.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

AT&T VIRUS - Gives you a pop up every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

COUCH POTATO VIRUS - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

GALLUP POLL VIRUS - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMINY CRICKET VIRUS - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

MCI VIRUS - Every three minutes a pop up reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MOM VIRUS - Places a phone call to your mother or posts on her Facebook page every time you click on an adult website.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't give a sh*t.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.

SLACKER VIRUS - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bit stream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

Posted: Mon Oct 04, 2010 9:23 pm

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".

The guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the guy says, '99'."

The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 9:24 pm

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.
He gives the boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes that the little boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's, but keeps choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a Doctor?"

'No,' the woman replied. 'I'm with the Inland Revenue

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 9:25 pm

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others.. Southerners can be so polite!

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R

Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."

Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."

Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"

Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511.

Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."

Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us "

Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 6:16 pm

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all of the patrons in the bar looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right, out through the front door into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "He should've quit while he was a head!"

Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 6:20 pm

An old salt went into a supermarket and was browsing among the fresh veg when the manager approached.

"Can I help you sir?" asked the manager in a friendly tone.

"Yes" replied the old geyser. "I'm looking for asparagus."

"I'm sorry" says the manager "we have no asparagus."

It wasn't long before the manager spotted the old timer rummaging among the frozen veg so he went to see if he could be of assistance.

"Can I help you sir?" asked the manager in a friendly tone.

"Yes" replied the old geyser. "I'm looking for asparagus."

"I'm sorry" says the manager "we have no asparagus."

A while later the manager again spotted the old man - this time at the canned veg shelves.

"Can I help you sir?" asked the manager in a friendly tone.

"Yes" replied the old geyser. "I'm looking for asparagus."

"Sir, can you spell 'cat' as in catastrophe?"

"Yes" said the old fart, "C A T"

"Correct" says the manager, "now 'dog' as in dogmatic?"

"Yes" says the old man, "D O G"

"Correct" says the manager, "now 'phuck' as in asparagus?"

The old salt get all bent out of shape and says "There NO phuck in asparagus!!"

"Yes, sir" says the manager "that's what I told you in the first place!"

Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 6:43 pm

Things you DON'T want to hear during sugery

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1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness...
3. Bo! Bo!! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
8. "Damn, there go the lights again...."
9. Ya know, there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14 .That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?
17. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
18. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!
19. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
20. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
21. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
22. What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
23. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
24. Darn! Page 147 of the manual is missing!
25. I want all you interns to gather round while I try something new
26 . "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
27. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 6:49 pm

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's Pizza."

Posted: Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:08 pm

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "...or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"...or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I didn't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 4:56 pm

went to the paper shop – it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day and I couldn’t find any

I bought some HP Sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for 2 years

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery fluid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor- “I’ve got a bad back”. The doctor said – “It’s old age”. The woman said – “ I want a second opinion”. The doctor says – “OK, you’re ugly as well”.

A man walked inmto the doctor’s. The doctor says – “ I haven’t seen you in a long time”. The man replied – “I know – I’ve been ill”

A man walked into the doctor’s and said _ “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”
The doctor said – “ Well don’t go there any more”

I’m on a whisky diet. I’ve already lost three days.

I went to the corner shop and bought four corners.

I went to the doctor’s and I said – “Have you got anything for wind /” so he gave me a kite.

I went to the doctor’s the other day, and he said – “Go to Bournemoth, it’s great for flu. So I went and I got it.

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty…. but she’s great with the kids.

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 4:57 pm

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly.

I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the cyanide dissolve.

Then some jack-ass shows up and drinks the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?''

Posted: Sun Oct 10, 2010 4:58 pm

A young Arab asks his father:
*
- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?
*
It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !
*
- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?
*
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !
*
- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?
*
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !
*
Tell me, papa...
*
Yes, my son?
*
*
*
Why are we living just off the Edgeware Road *and still wearing all this shit?

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:42 pm

The Phone Call
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your newPingG15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s**t!!"

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 8:47 pm

TOM'S SCROTUM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would
like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked
to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband,
Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help
him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as
they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to
hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible
pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it
turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's
scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in
the
congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the
horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that
with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed
with
unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had
something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He
said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

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