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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 6:59 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Subject: HAVE I GOT THIS RIGHT

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.


IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.


IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.



IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.


IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.


IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.


IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.


IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
1 - A JOB,
2 - A DRIVERS LICENSE,
3 - SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
4 - WELFARE,
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
6 - CREDIT CARDS
7 - SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
8 - FREE EDUCATION,
9 - FREE HEALTH CARE,
10 - HUNDREDS OF LOBBYISTS IN LONDON
11 - BILLIONS OF POUNDS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT FROM US!

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:14 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company
Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products.. She really gets
rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'
choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

&am p;am p;nb sp;
Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or
Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough
to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16
in my pants..

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you
haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I
can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just
a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into
what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'
Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's
monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were
these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy'
about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua
and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local
Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life
in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong',

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand
of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

;
Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting
in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said: "we're
going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in
turn. But first, you each can make a final wish."

The Scotsman says: "I'd like to hear The Flower of Scotland just one
more time to remind me of the auld country, played on bagpipes in the
style of the Royal Scots Dragoon Guards."

The Irishman says: "I'd like to hear Danny Boy just one more time to
remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell,
with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune."

The Welshman says: "I'd like to hear Men Of Harlech just one more time
to remind me of the auld country, sung as if by the Aberavon Male Voice
Choir."





The Englishman says: "I'd like to be shot first.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Wed Jul 14, 2010 7:31 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

THE UNDERTAKER'S BLACK EYE:

Roy, an undertaker, recently came home with a black eye.
"What happened to you?" asked his wife.
"I had a terrible day." replied Roy. "I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there, the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he had this huge erection. Anyway, I went up and sure enough there was this big naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."
"I see" said his wife, "but how did you get the black eye?"
Roy replied: "Wrong room."

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DungDigger
frivolous bustard


Joined: 13 Jul 2010
Posts: 376
Location: Undercover, on top of things and beside myself.


PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 8:48 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A man and his wife were awakened at 3 in the morning by a loud banging on the front door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger is standing in the pouring rain, drenched to the skin, and asking for a push.

'Not a chance!' says the husband. 'Do you know what time it is? It's three in the morning! Now go away.' He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he says.

'Did you help him?'

'No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's throwing it down with rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' she says. 'Don't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should go and help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself.'

The man feels a bit bad about the way he treated the guy. 'You're right,' he says. 'One good turn deserves another.' He gives her a kiss, gets up, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

'Hello,' he calls out. 'You still there?'

'Yes,' comes the answer.

'Do you still need a push?'

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'I can't see you. Where are you?'

'Over here on the swing.'

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DungDigger
frivolous bustard


Joined: 13 Jul 2010
Posts: 376
Location: Undercover, on top of things and beside myself.


PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:05 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you."

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."


courtesy of Tommy Cooper, probably

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Yastreb
Common Street Thawth Vergabon


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 15882
Location: Leading my wolf pack


PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:05 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Vampiremerchant wrote:
Subject: HAVE I GOT THIS RIGHT

IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET:
5 - FOOD STAMPS,
12 - AND THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT FROM US!

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION...


Those two items seem to indicate that someone edited an American rant about illegals from Mexico into a British rant, but didn't do the research...

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DungDigger
frivolous bustard


Joined: 13 Jul 2010
Posts: 376
Location: Undercover, on top of things and beside myself.


PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:21 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

No, there are those who firmly believe that post and would say that "US" does mean the Brits.

Or has something gone whooooosh over my head .... oh but wait - we don't have food stamps Very Happy Embarassed

Anyway, I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Smile

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Mrs L*[email protected]: Please don't make us look stupid in the face of our colleauges okay
Mr L*[email protected]: I will like you to know that we love you okay
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DungDigger
frivolous bustard


Joined: 13 Jul 2010
Posts: 376
Location: Undercover, on top of things and beside myself.


PostPosted: Wed Jul 21, 2010 9:30 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love. Of course she agreed and they made mad passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Again, they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched his wife's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' They again made love, after which she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we ...?'

She sat up, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm not being funny, but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

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@hris Madi Good measure press down shaken together running over shall men lay unto your bosom Shocked
Mrs L*[email protected]: Please don't make us look stupid in the face of our colleauges okay
Mr L*[email protected]: I will like you to know that we love you okay
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Rooted
419Eater is my life


Joined: 26 Jan 2010
Posts: 353
Location: Beyond the black stump


PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 2:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Words With Two meanings


THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing cricket without a box.


COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.


COMMITTMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.


ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.


FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.


MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.


REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes

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I thank you for your mail and wish to inform you that I mate with the lawyer this afternoon...

PAY YOUR BILL PAY YOUR BILL.OR STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. BARRISTER S ZUMA ESQ.

How will be asking all that question wasting my time that is precious....

... you are a joker a deciever and also a liar ...

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Rooted
419Eater is my life


Joined: 26 Jan 2010
Posts: 353
Location: Beyond the black stump


PostPosted: Wed Jul 28, 2010 2:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

50 one-liners


No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He's been feeding off "I Don't Like Mondays" for 30 years. - Russell Brand

I'm still making love at 71, which is handy for me because I live at number 63. - Bernie Clifton

After her accident, my nan had a plastic hip put in. But I thought they should have replaced it with a Slinky, coz if she did fall down the stairs again ... - Steve Williams

I'm a big Bono fan, but the man can't count. On "Vertigo", he begins with 'uno, dos, tres, catorce' which is 'one, two, three, 14' in Spanish. So maybe there isn't a crisis in Africa. Bono's just miscounted. - Al Pitcher

I wonder what would happen if Franz Ferdinand were assassinated?" - Glenn Wool

Jennifer Aniston goes to Malibu to shout at the sea. I drink Malibu and shout at pigeons. - Bill Bailey

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist! - Frankie Boyle

I've not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson. - We are Klang (if.comeddies newcomer nominee)

Men who blow themselves up are promised 72 virgins in paradise. That's a high price to pay for a shag. In real life you'd be hard pushed to find one virgin. It begs the question: what on earth do they all look like? That's a lot of hairy women. - Shazia Mirza

A hotel mini-bar allows you to see into the future and what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020. - Rich Hall

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in customs. - Patrick Monahan

Women want men in uniforms. In fact when you actually get down to it, all women really want are fascists. Hey, you can say what you like about the Nazis but those guys knew how to turn heads. - Dylan Moran

I sent my daughter to a private school. That's 73 grand's worth of education, and now she wants to be an actor? So I've asked her to do porn and give me the money back. - Janey Godley

I can't find a woman anywhere who will touch me with a [******] stick. Fair enough. It is a bit of an unusual request. - Andrew Lawrence

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''. - Jason Byrne

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven. Had to get an even-man in to finish it off. - Stephen Grant

Christmasses were terrible, not like nowadays when kids get everything. My sister got a miniature set of perfumes called Ample. It was tiny, but even I could see where my dad had scraped off the S ... - Stephen K Amos

I'm a Jew, by the way. It was my agent's idea. - Simon Amstell

Playing poker online is like being mugged without the company. - Lucy Porter

Act your age, not your shoe size ... that means something different on the Continent. - Richard Herring

My friend is Irish. - Oh really?

O'Reilly actually. - Colin and Fergus

Prison governor: "Ladies, I am going to turn this place into Midnight Express. Prisoner: 'Oh, in which case, I think I should tell you now, I'm no good on roller-skates'. - The Dutch Elm Conservatoire

I went to the JobCentre for an interview. I said: "I ain't got no qualifications, no skills and as for my customer service, sod off." She said: "You're exactly what they're after at Dixons". - Simon Brodkin

"If a dog's tail is still wagging, then how can that be rape?" - Marek Larwood

Have you noticed the way that burns victims stick together? - Carey Marx

As of last month we have gay bishops, official. I wonder if this will filter down into the game of chess? Those bishops can make all the same moves, but can only be taken from behind. - Jason Wood

I had a great business plan ... I was going to build bungalows for dwarfs ... there was only one tiny flaw ... - Justin Edwards

I come from a very traditional family. When I was seven, my Uncle Terry hanged himself on Christmas Eve. My family didn't take his body down until the sixth of January. - Nick Doody

I was surprised how British Muslims reacted to the Danish cartoons. I thought: "How can you get this worked up about a cartoon?" But then I remembered how angry I was when they gave Scooby Doo a cousin. - Paul Sinha

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself: "It's not really impossible if he's already done it twice". - Mark Watson

Let me tell you what blasphemy is. It's the idea there's a superior being who can make the mountains, the oceans and the skies, but who still gets upset about something I said. He's an all-powerful being, he's just got self-esteem issues. - Reginald D Hunter

I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's ox, except in Scrabble". - David O'Doherty

Americans only re-elected George Bush to prove they had a sense of irony. - Scott Capurro

Irish people love Muslims. They have taken a lot of heat off us. Before, we were "the terrorists" but now, we're "the Riverdance people". - Andrew Maxwell

If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I'd just yell out letters. - Demetri Martin

Two guys came knocking at my door once and said: "We want to talk to you about Jesus." I said: "Oh, no, what's he done now?" - Kevin McAleer

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader - a mullah lite. - Shappi Khorsandi

Every older generation hates the younger generation, but it used to be that they said the young were getting more and more deviant. "If we wanted fun then we went to a barn dance," they'd say. We're the first generation of old people bitching that the young are so tame. Look at these kids - we used to do crack. These [******] just drink Red Bull and go on the patio to smoke. The closest they've come to a fist fight is in a chatroom. "You looking at my girlfriend? Well I'm going to delete you from my MySpace friends list". - Doug Stanhope

Why do women insist on asking men what they're thinking? We're thinking: "[******], better think of something to say." Either that or we're imagining that we're spies. - Ed Byrne

I'm mixing beats that are phat and ill, like Pavarotti. - DJ Danny

I don't mind when my jokes die because they go to heaven and get 72 virgin jokes. - Omar Marzouk

People who say they don't swear haven't had the right sex or food. - Russell Howard

Two aerials on a roof fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't great but the reception was fantastic. - Jimeoin

In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off. - Rhod Gilbert

I grew up in Braintree, the most ironically named town in Britain - there being neither a brain nor a tree for miles around. In Braintree, they think irony comes from elephants. - Luke Wright

My body has changed so much since I have been here. My stomach is fat from the food and booze, my legs are skinny from walking up all the hills. I've decided ET wasn't from out of space, he was from Edinburgh! - Wil Anderson

I've got no problem buying tampons. I'm a modern man. But apparently, they're not a "proper present". - Jimmy Carr

What do you call a skinny Aussie girl with chalk on her head? A Barbie-cue. - Steve Daking

Edinburgh is the only city that I have walked completely around and only gone uphill. - Sean Collins

They say being a hostage is difficult. But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. - Phil Nichol

_________________
Easter Egg 2013

Become a GOLD DIGGER

Closed lad accounts x18
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I thank you for your mail and wish to inform you that I mate with the lawyer this afternoon...

PAY YOUR BILL PAY YOUR BILL.OR STOP WASTING YOUR TIME. BARRISTER S ZUMA ESQ.

How will be asking all that question wasting my time that is precious....

... you are a joker a deciever and also a liar ...

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Kokomeister
Baiting Guru


Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Posts: 3001
Location: Wandering around the world with a sense of adventure!


PostPosted: Sat Jul 31, 2010 4:15 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Koko found this on his friend's Facebook.

Me- I ate a burrito.
Friend- Are you racist against Mexicans?
Me- I didn't eat a Mexican.

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red head gangster (Emma the Tropical Herbalist)
YOU ARE PLAYING WITH MY LIFE ADVENTURE (Joel Desire)
YOU ARE SUCH A BIG SICKNESS THAT STEP ON ME! (Joel Desire)
YOU ARE TOO SMALL, GO AHEAD WITH WHATEVER YOU THINK OR IMAGINED THAT YOU CAN DO TO ME, ONCE YOU TRY ONCE YOU WILL DIE HARD. YOU BETTER DON'T TRY ME AT ALL YOU FOOL- Mariam Abacha (6 months)
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Safari Auntie Tina- Lagos-Parakou-Tanguieta-Niamey-Tera-Mallanville-Lagos "well the story you read in children's fairytale story book when you are young is not the same as what is happing now."
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Mr Tambourine Man
Baiting Guru


Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 3386
Location: Magic swirlin' ship


PostPosted: Thu Aug 05, 2010 9:31 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

The man asks "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"

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is always Good when you have the zeal to be a hitwoman when you out of school,it makes you bold and reall and it makes you more high than any other of your friend.
you dont have a phone.that makes makes you joe butt. Fuck you and go find something to do man. Stop disturbing me please.
This is definitely why you will remain and die in poverty, ignorant of good things and easy acknowledgment of bad things and words. Shame on you, you wicked generation children.
i went you to no that this is not a cheld pray. i went you to get back to me
we are not scammer,we hate scammer as you do.scammer make out life harder and harder,a lot of people think we are scammer,in fact,we are not!! please trustt us
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Nanny Ogg
Baiting Guru


Joined: 19 Mar 2007
Posts: 2628


PostPosted: Fri Aug 20, 2010 7:22 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Stuck for a gift?
AMAZON have this
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Mr Tambourine Man
Baiting Guru


Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 3386
Location: Magic swirlin' ship


PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 1:53 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^
I couldn't resist reviewing that product. Sad

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is always Good when you have the zeal to be a hitwoman when you out of school,it makes you bold and reall and it makes you more high than any other of your friend.
you dont have a phone.that makes makes you joe butt. Fuck you and go find something to do man. Stop disturbing me please.
This is definitely why you will remain and die in poverty, ignorant of good things and easy acknowledgment of bad things and words. Shame on you, you wicked generation children.
i went you to no that this is not a cheld pray. i went you to get back to me
we are not scammer,we hate scammer as you do.scammer make out life harder and harder,a lot of people think we are scammer,in fact,we are not!! please trustt us
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:09 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping resulted in the following...... Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their boobs almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another Tesco, in this case the one in Cleckheaton. You agree and they both get in the backseat.

On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely in the buff. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, trying to kiss you and touch you intimately, thrusting herself against you. While the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also November 1st, 4th, 6th,10th and twice yesterday.

P.S. Aldi have wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl are £1.75 and look better.

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:14 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A programmer finds himself in front of a committee that decides whether he should go to Heaven or Hell. The committee tells the programmer he has a say in the matter and asks him if he wants to see either Heaven or Hell before stating his preference.

“Sure,” the programmer replies. “I have a pretty good idea what Heaven is like, so let’s see Hell.” So an angel takes the programmer to a sunny beach, full of beautiful women in skimpy bikinis playing volleyball, listening to music and having a great time. “Wow!” he exclaims, “Hell looks great! I’ll take Hell!”

Instantly the programmer finds himself in red-hot lava with demons tearing at his flesh. “Where’s the beach? The music? The women?” he screams frantically to the angel.

“That was the demo,” the angel replies as she vanishes.

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My dear Brother , if I have to you to scam you, May the WROGHT of GOD be upon me and my generation
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:15 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A large corporation recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. You get all of the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!!!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:15 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.

At the town of:- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch
they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress,

“Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.

Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr gurrr kiiing.”

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sun Aug 22, 2010 2:16 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Tiger Woods replies, "Not too bad. I've had some problems with my swing, but I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and I play the ball toward his voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, ""Okay, I'm game for that. When would you like to play?" Stevie says, "Pick any night."

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Gold Hat
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Joined: 18 Jul 2004
Posts: 2049


PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Best one liners of the Edinburgh Festival:

Quote:
The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8.) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"


I must confess that I don't get the last one - I guess you have to be pissed.
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Yastreb
Common Street Thawth Vergabon


Joined: 04 Apr 2006
Posts: 15882
Location: Leading my wolf pack


PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:59 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

I don't get the ninth one either. Who is Vanessa Feltz?

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Gold Hat
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Yastreb wrote:
I don't get the ninth one either. Who is Vanessa Feltz?


Maybe some kind soul from the old sod can explain 9 and 10 Laughing
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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3206
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:25 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."


Vanessa Feltz is a UK TV Personality and this refers to the fact that she is a large woman


I don't get No 10 either !

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rocknrollnobody
Master Baiter


Joined: 06 Jan 2010
Posts: 154


PostPosted: Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

No10 is because many pubs don't have table numbers. You go to the bar, order your food and they give you a spoon with a number on it to act as your table number.

Usually a preferred way of dining in gastro-pubs...and my local...

Quote:
I borrowed a DVD from my mate. It was 'Bald and Barely legal'. I made sure my parents were out, and closed the curtains, but was very upset to find out it was a film from the Department of Transport about the dangers of vehicles with low tyre treads.

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[Free portrait of you with sexy goats!]

"WESTERN UNIN SAY IT FAKE AND YOU LIE. THEY LAUGH AND I FEEL FOOL. I WAIT FOR 5 HOUR TO GET WESTERN OFFICE AND YOU TRICK ME. I AM HIGH RESPECTED BANK OFFICIAL AND YOU TRICK ME WITH LIES AND FAKERY" - C0llin Sh1elds (a high respected bank official, apparently)
"I hope this is not another game as i do not have time for such games as i mean business here. I would not want to commence on a never ending journey or an uncompleted project with an unserious man." - Barrister Joseph Goldsmith doesn't want a never-ending project. Shame...
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