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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Feb 22, 2010 6:28 am Reply with quoteBack to top

The Darwin Awards 2009 Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honourable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting-machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his carduring a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a womanhad taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean busdriver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on thecounter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you andgives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquorstore window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him inthe car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which hereplied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the pursefrom."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friendsand family....unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost. *** Remember....They walk among us!!! They reproduce!!!***

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 1:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Jonathan Stein boarded a plane with 6 kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of these children yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

I Wish I could think so quickly.

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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419weasel
The great and powerful Princess Mooshka


Joined: 26 Jan 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 23, 2010 7:52 am Reply with quoteBack to top

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100217182250AAGd6Ee Shocked

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 8651
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 12:39 am Reply with quoteBack to top

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:39 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Grossly overweight Skye turf-cutter, 42 years old and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American, for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion. Must have own car and be willing to travel.
Box 09/08

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box06/03

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning.
Box 73/82.

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Box 53/41

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
Box 84/87

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach, writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes, seeks mystic dreamer for companionship, back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds on life's beautiful crazy journey. Strong stomach essential.
Box 12/32

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage. Duties will include cooking, light cleaning and accompanying me to office social functions. References required. No timewasters.
Box 23/45

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old [email protected] living in a damp cottage in the **** end of Orkney seeks attractive 21-year old blonde lady with big chest.
Box 40/27

Devil-worshipper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Box 52/07

Govan man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8pm and 11.30pm.
Box 23/59

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 9:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade &tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she
asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would
get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to
think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a
little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd
love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to
tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found
pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could shoot the f*cker.'

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:04 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in a Roscommon parish. A leading local
politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at dinner. He was delayed, so the priest
decided to say his own few words while they were waiting.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was
able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money
from his parents, embezzled from his employer,
had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But
as the days went on I knew that my people were not all
like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish
full of good and loving people.".....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He
immediately began to make the presentation and gave
his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had
the honour of being the first one to go to him in
confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 10:11 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child
Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'Father's Details,' or
putting it another way.... Who's yo Daddy? These are genuine excerpts allegedly.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was
fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same
night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send
me his phone number? Thanks...

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am
awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was
ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the
same to me.

8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A. If you do catch up with
him, can you axe him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also
borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

9. >From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney
World. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom .

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at
8956 Miller Ave , mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,
like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you
fart

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:17 am Reply with quoteBack to top

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:23 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Two nuns, Sister Phyllis and Sister Mary Lou, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Lou. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Phyllis. Sister Mary Lou switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Phyllis.

Sister Mary Lou turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Lou.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Phyllis.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Lou. She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the f--k off our car!"

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:30 am Reply with quoteBack to top

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2005 winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

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Rooted
419Eater is my life


Joined: 26 Jan 2010
Posts: 353
Location: Beyond the black stump


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 8:07 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Calories Burned During Sex:


REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories *****
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.
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N N N
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 26 Sep 2008
Posts: 689


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:13 am Reply with quoteBack to top

The perfect gift ... for a squirrel?
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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:45 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Engrish - as it is translated

In a Bangkok temple:
"IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
"LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Doctors office, Rome:
"SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
"DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
"CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On an Athi River highway:
(This is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi.)

" TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom:
"ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant:
"OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
"DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a cemetery:
"PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN
GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
"GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN
BED."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
"OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."

In a Tokyo bar:
"SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
"THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Hotel, Japan:
"YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
"YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
"IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT
UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Hotel, Zurich:
"BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
"WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
"GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE."

In a Swiss mountain inn:
"SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
"WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome:
"LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD
TIME."

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Vampiremerchant
Baiting Guru


Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her dress revealing her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded. 'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?" 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any' she explains,
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says,
'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:13 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

25 years Ago...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An application was for employment
A program was a television show
Windows were something you hated to clean,
A keyboard was a piano
A cursor used profanity
Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 floppy you hoped no one found out
Compress was something you did to garbage
If you unzipped in public you went to jail
Log on was adding wood to a fire
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your toilet
Cut you did with scissors
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!!!

WOW HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED!

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:46 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at
Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the
computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:47 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic
garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the
bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag..." "Damn!" says the little old lady...
"I'd better go back and see if I can still find some.
Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that
money?" "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to
the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a
lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper,
and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes,
I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

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Vampiremerchant
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Joined: 01 Nov 2009
Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 10:20 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences. With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specializing in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts. Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.

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Vampiremerchant
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Posts: 3179
Location: Scotland


PostPosted: Mon Mar 01, 2010 10:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised there security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved”. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “a bit cross” Londoners have not been “a bit cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance”. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance: warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It is not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing”. Two more levels remain “ineffective combat Operations” and “change Sides”.

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs”. The also have two higher levels”: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs ;have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 8651
Location: On ya left!


PostPosted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 2:31 am Reply with quoteBack to top

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy'

Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde too) Very Happy asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

'What are you doing? '

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.'

Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde too) Very Happy followed me, the Boss asked her,

'. .And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark!

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Corona
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Joined: 21 Sep 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 3:48 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Lovey told me that he was going to trade me in on 2/20 year olds. Surprised

I told him that he wasn't wired for 2/20. Mr. Green

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Kokomeister
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Joined: 10 Sep 2008
Posts: 3002
Location: Wandering around the world with a sense of adventure!


PostPosted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 4:36 am Reply with quoteBack to top

http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicrussianprostitutes1.png
Russians, look at this!

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YOU ARE SUCH A BIG SICKNESS THAT STEP ON ME! (Joel Desire)
YOU ARE TOO SMALL, GO AHEAD WITH WHATEVER YOU THINK OR IMAGINED THAT YOU CAN DO TO ME, ONCE YOU TRY ONCE YOU WILL DIE HARD. YOU BETTER DON'T TRY ME AT ALL YOU FOOL- Mariam Abacha (6 months)
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Last edited by Kokomeister on Wed Mar 10, 2010 10:53 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Roycropper
Undead Moderator


Joined: 14 Nov 2005
Posts: 7993
Location: Luxury Coffin


PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:04 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Romanian street sign warns drivers of 'drunk pedestrians'

Image

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COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WENT TO THE BANK
our Agent is Completely broke, pocketless and stranded
I WLL SEND AN AFRICA WITCH TO ATTACH YOU BASTARD
You go die like bird
i started shouting HALLELUJAGOBBLE but none of them notice me immediately police arrested me due to the shouting
f*ck u asshole ur damn mother will loose ur fcuking skull brain ur brain is nothing to compare with rat f*ck ur u
MY FRIEND ALEX WAS DETAINED IN POLICE STATION
I am not happy due to the question i answered at money office. Let me tell you do not play with me ok.
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Scentless Apprentice
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Joined: 26 Sep 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 1:44 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

The following is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the Newsletter of the New Zealand equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board. This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have walked away with a Darwin Award.

The letter begins......

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "Poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation & I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new 6-storey building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over, which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out & loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down & untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind & forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions & the broken collarbone, As listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I Continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were 2 knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my Presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the Excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a Rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only 3 vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

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