Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

in response to RC's Virgin Passenger letter:

NTL complaint

Posted: Wed Jul 15, 2009 10:14 am

The “W.C.” story

Some time ago, an English lady was looking for rooms in Cabo San Lucas and asked a schoolmaster if he could recommend any. He took her to several places, and everything being arranged, she decided to take one of the rooms. On her way home, however, it occurred to her that she had not noticed any water closet (bathroom). She wrote and asked if there was a “W.C,” in or near the house. The schoolmaster was baffled, for he did not understand the abbreviation “W.C.” Finally he asked the Parish Priest to help him. Together they tried to figure out what the lady meant. They concluded she meant a “wayside chapel,” so they wrote her the following letter.

Dear Madam:

I have the pleasure to inform you that the “W.C.” is situated only 9 miles away from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of trees. It is capable of holding 25 people. It is open Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. There are a good number of people who go during the summer months. I would advise you to go early if you want a seat. Although there is plenty of standing room. No doubt you will glad to know that a number of people take their lunches with them and make a day of it. While others who can’t spare the time, travel by car and arrive just in time. I would advise your ladyship to go on Thursday, because there is an organ accompaniment on that day. The surroundings are really excellent, even the most delicate sounds are audible.

It may interest you to know that our daughter was married in the “W.C.” As-a-matter of fact, that is where she met her husband. I remember well the rush for seats on that day, there were exactly 10 people on the seat I usually occupy. It was wonderful to watch the changing expressions on their faces. A wealthy resident of the district recently donated a bell for the “W.C.” which rings everytime you enter. My wife is rather delicate and cannot go regularly, it has been more than 6 months since she last went. Naturally it pains her very much not to be able to go more often.

I shall be glad to save a seat for you.

Yours Truly,
The School Master.

Baiting Guru Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 2628

http://videos.icnetwork.co.uk/m4/Bruno%20cinema%20listing.mp3

Down with this sort of thing
Careful now

Posted: Fri Jul 17, 2009 4:41 pm

Right, deport me now....

Quote:

You have failed the practice citizenship test.

Questions answered correctly: 11 out of 24 (46%)

UK citizens, see if you qualify to be chucked out on the next banana boat (but where to?) here:

http://www.ukcitizenshiptest.co.uk/

Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 3:58 am

^^^

Here is a good one!

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under
the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Laughing

Baiting Guru Joined: 04 Jan 2006 Posts: 3193

This is quite aposite

http://anotherrandomday.com/?p=5200

Posted: Mon Jul 20, 2009 8:42 pm

The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Posted: Tue Jul 21, 2009 5:04 pm

Well.. this is not a joke but... I was reading www.engrishfunny.com ... and kept laughing all day long.. until i started to think that i talk like them .. lol

Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 2:06 am

Not a joke, but funny! Very Happy

We're really friendly folks round here and we speak to everyone in passing. I was sitting in a Subway today and an elderly man came in. I could tell that he was traveling thru and I smiled and said, "Hi!" He said, "Miss, do you work here or are you overly friendly?" Laughing

Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 5:20 pm

In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbour to get his wife pregnant,

Soupolos piad Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnant Traute.

I can’t be stuffed writing the rest, but you really should read it all.

LINK

Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 8:46 pm

^^ Similar story:

In a bar, a guy meets a friend he hasn't seen in a while. They start talking, and the first asks the other one how his love life is going these days.
"Well, do you see that lovely lesbian couple over there at the other end? They want to have a baby, but they didn't want to go for donor seed and insemination and all that stuff, so about 4 months ago they asked me to be the father of their child. So I've been visiting them 4-5 times per week since, to do the thing you do to get a woman pregnant...".
"But, errr, when I last saw you, didn't you mention you just had had a vasectomy?"
"Well, yes, but keep it quiet, will you?"

Not quite a Newb Joined: 22 Jul 2009 Posts: 42

http://www.slate.com/id/2222991/?gt1=38001

I know I often paint my donkey like a zebra Smile

Posted: Mon Jul 27, 2009 8:48 am

Proof that its not so weird to befriend a rodent, LINK

Quote:

A rodent-eating snake and a hamster have developed an unusual bond at a zoo in the Japanese capital, Tokyo.

Their relationship began in October last year, when zookeepers presented the hamster to the snake as a meal.

The rat snake, however, refused to eat the rodent. The two now share a cage, and the hamster sometimes falls asleep sitting on top of his natural foe.

*** BANNED *** Joined: 18 Jul 2004 Posts: 2049

SPEEDING
A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th D.W.I.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem.
The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 6:53 pm

What a nice lady.

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

Quote:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout..

The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.

Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 6:13 pm

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Quote:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope..
Please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:

Quote:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those fuckers at the post office.
Sincerely,
Edna

Posted: Wed Aug 05, 2009 10:12 am

Down under we've had a minor political scandal in which Opposition Leader Malcolm Turnbull thought he had Prime Minister Kevin Rudd bang to right for misleading Parliament (about the one unforgiveable sin in politics) over claims that he'd ordered favourable treatment for a car dealer who'd supplied a ute for his staff. Thus was born UteGate.

Key to Turnbull's attack was an email supposedly sent to a public servant with the memorable name of Godwin Grech; but this email never existed.

Now Turnbull is fighting to recover his credibility.

Hearken to one cartoon on the topic: http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/gallery/0,22010,5037045-5006020,00.html

Posted: Thu Aug 06, 2009 11:51 am

A fancy new supermarket opened here on the

Island. They are using all the latest marketing techniques.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you
experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks
with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

Shocked

Posted: Fri Aug 07, 2009 10:21 pm

http://whythefuckdoyouhaveakid.com/

some of the pics on this site are pretty funny

Laughing

Posted: Sat Aug 22, 2009 4:03 am

Amazon Oddities
Read the Customer Reviews

http://tinyurl.com/mu83g4
http://tinyurl.com/ll2m5c

** Retired ** Joined: 14 May 2007 Posts: 750 Location: Air

Posted: Thu Aug 27, 2009 8:26 pm

Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 3:33 am

Insert Slightly's alter-ego into any picture - why, though?

http://www.lutralutra.co.uk/squirrelizer/

Posted: Thu Sep 03, 2009 2:38 pm

Something I received today but was actually really funny...

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think
about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own
story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have
fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when
they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going
in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going?
But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from
which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or
phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no
one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching
directions on the sidewalk.

That's enough, deadmau5 & David Guetta.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be
ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work?
You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the
problem. Every kid in World did that, but how did we all know how to fix
the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just
figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw
it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk
over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both
go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to
guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I
just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats
can recognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take
2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a
text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread
of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to
say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test
is absolutely petrifying.

My friend's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing
as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the
name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I
hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and
smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to
prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my manager's last name to a client and said "Yes that's G as
in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each
other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB
gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around
and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?
Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to
have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to
die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
Russia . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!),
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't
already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find
out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact
that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with
it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in
a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd
bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away,
in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

My 8-year old sister asked me in the car the other day "What would happen
if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at
the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Laughing

Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 2:15 am

Red Neck Kin Folk

Two rednecks in a West Virginia trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd,

'If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?'

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.

Laughing

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