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 Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Corona
Baiting Guru


Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 8651
Location: On ya left!


PostPosted: Fri Jun 05, 2009 6:12 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Lovey and I purchased a shaded pergola for our patio. Opened it up and dug out instructions.

It reads,
Quote:
Three or four adults recommended for assembly. Confused
Ladders required for assembly but not included. Surprised

Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Dr. Thaddeus Venture
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 15 May 2009
Posts: 54
Location: On the Interweb


PostPosted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 6:39 am Reply with quoteBack to top

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:



1)Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12)The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry”.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST. Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

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frank.lester
419Eater is my life


Joined: 08 Aug 2008
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 5:33 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

^^thanks for that one, Dr.
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llamedos
Been There, Done That


Joined: 04 Jun 2004
Posts: 2690
Location: ^^^ Wherever the other side has gone to


PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 11:07 am Reply with quoteBack to top

According to the U.S. Census Bureau:
190,374 people are having sex right now,
212,130 are kissing, and
1 poor bastard is reading a post on a forum.

You hang in there sunshine.

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Barrister Addo Williams: I want you to know that I am not impressed with your performance towards this project.
Mattins Wilson: ...and they stated morken me and tarfing at me as if am a full, so please it is enough OK. /AND/ I promise you for all this furffring that you are furffring to me <--- No, I haven't a clue either
Peter Ovdo: I want you to have trust in me that all is ok as stated in my last mail to you which i wrote in big letters

Ethel Gnassingbe: FOUK YOU AND GO TO HELL

"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up"
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Roycropper
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Joined: 14 Nov 2005
Posts: 7993
Location: Luxury Coffin


PostPosted: Fri Jun 12, 2009 9:10 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Virgin: the world's best passenger complaint letter?

Quote:
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING.

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the European Union has bounced on our freckles
COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WENT TO THE BANK
our Agent is Completely broke, pocketless and stranded
I WLL SEND AN AFRICA WITCH TO ATTACH YOU BASTARD
You go die like bird
i started shouting HALLELUJAGOBBLE but none of them notice me immediately police arrested me due to the shouting
f*ck u asshole ur damn mother will loose ur fcuking skull brain ur brain is nothing to compare with rat f*ck ur u
MY FRIEND ALEX WAS DETAINED IN POLICE STATION
I am not happy due to the question i answered at money office. Let me tell you do not play with me ok.
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Roycropper
Undead Moderator


Joined: 14 Nov 2005
Posts: 7993
Location: Luxury Coffin


PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 10:39 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Slightly is barred from his local pub:

Squirrel barred from local

_________________
the European Union has bounced on our freckles
COULD YOU IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I WENT TO THE BANK
our Agent is Completely broke, pocketless and stranded
I WLL SEND AN AFRICA WITCH TO ATTACH YOU BASTARD
You go die like bird
i started shouting HALLELUJAGOBBLE but none of them notice me immediately police arrested me due to the shouting
f*ck u asshole ur damn mother will loose ur fcuking skull brain ur brain is nothing to compare with rat f*ck ur u
MY FRIEND ALEX WAS DETAINED IN POLICE STATION
I am not happy due to the question i answered at money office. Let me tell you do not play with me ok.
Pith Helmet 10
x4 United Kingdom New Zealand Mortar Closed lad accounts Sand Timer 6Yrs Tattoo x6 Flying Monkey
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Seven of Nine
Baiting Guru


Joined: 18 Jun 2006
Posts: 2147
Location: Somewhere in time.


PostPosted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:06 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Ummm, yep. Some responses were interesting:
Quote:
shoot it and put it in a pie

Quote:
I hate Squirrels, there vermin! Take away the fluffy tale and what have you got left? A tree rat! Thay kill off trees, have burnt down houses and are rapidly killing off our own native squirrel nutkins. Thay do have one thing going for them, apparently thay are delicious to eat, that would be one of getting them back in the pub, on the menu!

Quote:
I recognise this love-rat. My wife took one in as well. I caught them in the shower together, and then a few weeks later I came home from work and the locks were changed, and my bags on the driveway. It answered the door and said: 'Don't make a scene'.

Quote:
Don't say I didn't warn you...

Quote:
This just goes to prove all the nuts aren't in Brazil

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Dr. Thaddeus Venture
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 15 May 2009
Posts: 54
Location: On the Interweb


PostPosted: Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Excerpts from Readers's Digest.


My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.
Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all You want. God is watching the apples!"

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.
"Wow, Miss Collins!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different without your glasses on !"
Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!"

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GordonBennett
Baiting Guru


Joined: 29 Mar 2007
Posts: 2829
Location: Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo


PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 9:58 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

TERROR ALERTS

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed Frances' white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.


It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."


The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ....


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on everyone .......including their allies ....... just in case.


New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us".


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level......

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Ninja
DIE MUDER FUCKER

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Dr. Thaddeus Venture
Not quite a Newb


Joined: 15 May 2009
Posts: 54
Location: On the Interweb


PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:27 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.

"Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend, Nino, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

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Slightlyoutofit
Baiting Guru


Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 14310
Location: Foraging for Nuts.


PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:40 am Reply with quoteBack to top

Guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

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God will see you true for all this you have done to me you bastard. - Collins Kalu
MAY THE HAND THAT TYPE ON KEYBORD BECOME STRICKEN AND TRANSMIT VIRUS TO YOU ENTIRE BODY. - Dr Linda Akeem
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Star A Star
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 821
Location: Chad Central


PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:46 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^now that I like

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Closed lad accounts X 27
pony
i am tired and i am waisting my morning
i am tired of all these rusbish, i am waisiting my time andf mone
Ok i will try and take the form to my staff members, once i get the form filled, i am not ready to fill another form, make sure that this is all the forms, i am going to fill them and once i get them done, i will not fill another form
If you see how i was insulted in the western union office, you will pitty me - nope you're wrong there pal
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wokabo
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 23 Sep 2004
Posts: 825
Location: best beer country in onomatopoeia world


PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:08 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^ what do you like? A sheep in your bed? Or a cow?

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Star A Star
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 821
Location: Chad Central


PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:42 am Reply with quoteBack to top

wokabo wrote:
^ what do you like? A sheep in your bed? Or a cow?
Image

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Closed lad accounts X 27
pony
i am tired and i am waisting my morning
i am tired of all these rusbish, i am waisiting my time andf mone
Ok i will try and take the form to my staff members, once i get the form filled, i am not ready to fill another form, make sure that this is all the forms, i am going to fill them and once i get them done, i will not fill another form
If you see how i was insulted in the western union office, you will pitty me - nope you're wrong there pal
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Dutch
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Joined: 22 Nov 2007
Posts: 4204
Location: Dislocated


PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 4:42 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Summer in the Netherlands: It's been fairly hot here this week. Found this, and felt I needed to share. NSFW Beach impressions

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drew.p.coque
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Joined: 04 May 2005
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 8:28 am Reply with quoteBack to top

http://xmb.stuffucanuse.com/xmb/viewthread.php?tid=6126

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Gold Hat
*** BANNED ***


Joined: 18 Jul 2004
Posts: 2049


PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 3:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Dutch wrote:
Summer in the Netherlands:


If you think that is NSFW, then try this twisted video of kinky tulip munchers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8p-7muKVz0
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Dutch
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 3:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Ow jesus. Your one will definitely get you fired on the spot if your boss is looking over your shoulder. OMG .. OMG ... back off to the beach Laughing

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Jackdaripper
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Joined: 13 Apr 2005
Posts: 127
Location: Under a man hole


PostPosted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

Quote:
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'

HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'

WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'

HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'

WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'

HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'

HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house .'

WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'

HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'

WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'

HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'

WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'

HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'

WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'

HUSBAND: 'No... I'm sure she'd want her own.'

WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'

HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'

WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'

HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ' . . .. . Shit.

_________________
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Closed lad accounts

"The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion."
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Star A Star
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 821
Location: Chad Central


PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:35 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmh, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmh,then 220 then 240kmh. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman .

_________________
Closed lad accounts X 27
pony
i am tired and i am waisting my morning
i am tired of all these rusbish, i am waisiting my time andf mone
Ok i will try and take the form to my staff members, once i get the form filled, i am not ready to fill another form, make sure that this is all the forms, i am going to fill them and once i get them done, i will not fill another form
If you see how i was insulted in the western union office, you will pitty me - nope you're wrong there pal
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Diablo
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Joined: 10 Jun 2009
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 4:32 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

A wife complains, "Our clock almost killed my mother today. It fell off the wall only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband mumbles, "Damn clock always was slow."


Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? Rolling Eyes

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Casual Occurrence
Master of Master Baiters


Joined: 25 Dec 2007
Posts: 529
Location: Around here....somewhere.....


PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 7:49 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^^ The Devil-worshipper reminded me of this one:



Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?
As you study for exams, remember its not the quantity it's the quantity. And remember there is no substitute for pure unadulterated bull


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

_________________
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"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction." - Cathartic Kate

IF YOU MEET THIS MAN ON GROUND YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RAIN ABUSES ON HIM...I WOULD ADVICE YOU READ AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND HIS E-MAILS VERY WELL BEFORE YOU START INSULTING HIS PERSONALITY. - Rev. Niklas

Thank you for your Undiluted Assictance and we hope to have a Lasting business relationship with you. - Hou Weijun

YOU ARE A F***ING BASTERD!!! - [Account reported] Dr. John E. Telex/Foreign Remitance Department

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Rover
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Joined: 13 Apr 2004
Posts: 15996
Location: North of the Limpopo


PostPosted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 1:04 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

<center>Image</center>

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Slightlyoutofit
Baiting Guru


Joined: 13 Feb 2007
Posts: 14310
Location: Foraging for Nuts.


PostPosted: Mon Jul 13, 2009 7:18 pm Reply with quoteBack to top

http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/13072009/5/naked-man-casino-terminator-0.html

Quote:
Police arrest naked 'Terminator'

Mon 13 Jul 10:46 AM
Was naked man at a casino a Terminator?

A man found naked at a casino claimed he was a Terminator sent from the future.

19-year-old Sean Stanley Smith was arrested on the Nevada border after he was spotted by a motorist wondering around the highway nude. He was ordered by police to stop but proceeded into a nearby casino - where he was then tasered in front of a group of children.


Smith claims he was a Terminator sent back in time from the future - a reference to the film character made popular by Arnold Schwarznegger in the sci-fi franchise. The films usually start with a naked man being transported to the past.

However, it turned out that Smith was not a time-travelling Terminator but was in fact suffering from the side effects of LSD and marijuana. He was charged with indecent exposure and resisting a police officer.


He'll be back.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 14, 2009 6:45 am Reply with quoteBack to top

^^ On a side note, makes me wonder what 'A group of children' was doing in a casino ...

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