Stupid/Funny or RANDOM Link/Joke of the Day

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Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:24 am

I don't know why, but this just cracks me up. It's so simple, but funny:

Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:25 pm

[English phrase] [Chinese Interpretation]
Are you harboring a fugitive? -- Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.S.A.P. -- Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man -- Dum Gai
Small Horse -- Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? -- Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table. -- Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift. -- Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here. -- Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? -- Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. -- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet. -- Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. -- No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? -- Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright. -- Yu So Dum
I got this for free. -- Ai No Pei .
I am not guilty. -- Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer. -- Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. -- Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived. -- Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight. -- Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile. -- Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive. -- Yu stin ki pu
Your price is too high. -- No Bai Dat Ding

Posted: Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:24 pm

You Suck at PhotoShop

Very funny, and quite helpful. There's a series of them.

Baiting Guru Joined: 31 Jan 2007 Posts: 12237

^^^ I love Donny. Laughing

Here is one that the lads may enjoy.

http://www.goat-trauma.org/

Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 9:11 am

2 Scotsmen are walking through the fields. They come up to a big tree, and one says to the other:
"Here's where I lost my virginity".
"Wow", says the other, "how was it"?
"OK, I guess," replies the first, "but I was caught in the act by her mother."
"what did she have to say about it?"
"Beeeeeeeeehhhh!"

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

EDIT: I didn’t triple post. Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis. Did Steve tell you that? What's he got to do with it? What kind of rapping name is Steve anyway?

Posted: Fri Feb 06, 2009 2:44 pm

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for
dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria... During the course of
the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's
roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between
the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response e-mail from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:15 am

Quote
Just after dinner one night, my son
came up to tell me there was 'something wrong'
with one of the lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
'I'm serious dad, can you help?' I put my best
lizard-healer statement on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was
indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I
immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh my Gosh,' my wife diagnosed after a minute.
'She's having babies.'

'What? ' my son demanded. 'But their names are
Bert and Ernie, Mom!'

'You were supposed to buy two boy lizards!' I
reminded her, in my most loving, calm, sweet
voice, while gritting my teeth together.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a
wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're
about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they groaned.

'Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going
to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my
wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant
second later. 'We don't appear to be making
much progress,' I noted.

'Its breech,' my wife whispered, horrified.

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving
it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

'Should we call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted
to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the
trauma.'

'Nope, let's take Ernie to the vet,' I said, grimly
thinking of the cost of a lizard breech birth. We
drove to the vet with my son holding the cage
in his lap.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at her for a while through a 2.0
magnifying glass. Oh, very interesting,' he
murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
to you privately for a moment?' I gulped,
nodding for my son to step outside. This was
going to be bad, or expensive, or both.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard
is not in labor. You see, Ernie is a young male.
And occasionally, as they come into maturity,
like most male species, they um ... um ...
masturbate .... just the way he did, lying on
his back.'

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So Ernie's just excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied.

More silence.

Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle and
giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face... 'It's just
that I'm picturing you pulling on its teeny little ...
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once
more. With my wife in hysterics, we thanked the
vet, paid the bill (to be told that our lizard was
masturbating) and started for home.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've
done, Dad,' my son said.

'Oh, you have NO idea!' I mumbled. Closed
mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2- Lizards- $140...
1- Cage...$50...
Trip to the Vet...$30...

Memory of your husband
pulling on a lizard's winkie...
Priceless!

Moral of the story:
Finish biology class ... LIZARDS LAY EGGS

Laughing

Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 6:17 pm

http://www.spaceinvaders.de/

Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 4:04 pm

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns (obviously an American story)and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you."

To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."

Master of Master Baiters Joined: 02 Dec 2008 Posts: 518

Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 2:49 am

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Mr. Green

Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:57 am

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce", that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.'

Laughing

Posted: Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:38 am

http://www.engrish.com//wp-content/uploads/2009/02/lovely-automobile-tom.jpg

Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:19 am

Wal-Mart has everything !

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor ."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart Laughing

Posted: Sat Feb 14, 2009 5:00 pm

Crabs anyone?

http://www.revengecrabs.com

Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 2:49 pm

Heineken Commercial Laughing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S1ZZreXEqSY

Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 6:51 pm

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hair dresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'

'We're taking Continental,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'

'Continental?' exclaimed the hairdresser. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?'

'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste.'

'Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'

'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'

'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $ 5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'

'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope.'

'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and extended his hand! I knelt down, kissed his ring, and he spoke a few words to me.'

'Oh, really! What'd he say ?'

He said: ''Ach du lieber! Where on earth did you get the crappy hair-do? ''

Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 1:42 pm

ok scam patroller asked me to repost this here so... for all those people who would like to see a great clip check this out...

Deleted link. Do NOT post links like this without a disclaimer. This site is also rated as dangerous. In fairness to SP, he only saw a white page. Pachanga

Cheers, Pachanga, I didn't have a clue what it was with it only showing me a blank page with 2 words on it - SP

Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 3:02 pm

I would like to apologise to those who didnt think the link was funny and were upset by it. it was not intended to be harmful or malicious.
just fun. so to those who were upset about it...sorry. I did believe people would see it in the light it was intended when I posted it...I am sorry to have misjudged this.

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:48 am

^^We're no strangers to love...

A moving constantly moving window which needs to be clicked several times to close can get a little annoying. Laughing

On annoying:

Posted: Sun Feb 22, 2009 9:36 pm

Mrs. Bawls diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet
so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what
was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he
was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,
and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't
say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat
there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and
absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15
minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my
caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and
his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't
know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone
else. My life is a disaster.

Harry's diary

My Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Master Baiter Joined: 16 Jul 2008 Posts: 146

Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:14 pm

I first posted this a few years ago, but it’s one of my favourite jokes so I’m doing it again. So there.

Bugs the rabbit hops into a pub and orders a pint and for something to eat. The barman tells him that they’ve got three different types of toasty (that’s a toasted sandwich) Cheese & Ham, Cheese and Tomato or just plain Cheese. The rabbit thinks about this and asks for Cheese and Ham. When he’s been served he hops off and has a game of pool.

After a little while, the bunny’s hungry again so he hops back up to the bar and asks for another Cheese and Ham toasty. “I’m sorry Sir” says the barman, “we’ve run out of ham”. So the rabbit get’s a Cheese and Tomato instead.

Half an hour later, Bugs is hungry again (he is a rabbit, after all) so he hops back up to the bar and asks for another Cheese and Tomato toasty. “I’m sorry Sir says the barman, “we’ve run out of tomatoes”. The rabbit’s a bit cross about this but he opts for the plain Cheese. Sadly however, the moment he takes a bite out of it he keels over stone dead.

The next thing the rabbit knows is he’s standing on a cloud at the end of a long line of dead bunnies, queuing up to get through the Pearly Gates. He taps the rabbit in front of him on the shoulder and asks what they’re doing here. “We’re dead mate, I got hit by a car – what happened to you?” “I don’t know, says our hero, “I was just in a bar having a pint and something to eat and the next thing I know I woke up here!” “ Blimey, says his new friend, “tell you what. Why don’t you hop up to the top of the line and ask St Peter Rabbit to have a look in his book for you? I’ll keep your place in the queue for you.”

So the bunny hops off to the top of the line and checks with St Peter, before hopping back to reclaim his place in line. “Well, says the other rabbit, “did he tell you how you died?” “Yes, says Bugs, rolling his eyes, “it was mixing my toasties”.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be playing here all week.

Elite Baiter Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1043

I went to the zoo the other day, but all they had on display was a dog.
.
..
...
It was a shitzu.

^My new fav joke. Two more that made me chuckle, but aren't all that funny;

What's red and sits in a tree?
.
..
...
A sanitary owl

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
.
..
...
It went down the lane and turned into a field.

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